Monday, August 31, 2009

Disney on Ice...

The only way this video could get less athletic would be if instead of the Jonas Brothers on stage, you had the woodwind section of your high school band on one side and the drama club on the other. I really don't think these guys are gay, but they're certainly not helping their case with videos like this one. If guys in penis costumes were bouncing around on those trampolines, it would be 8% less gay.

I'd rather have the Swine Flu


I haven't been subtle about how much I loathe this stupid broad. Mark my words, her career won't last more than 3 years. There's no way. Tara Reid has infinitely more talent than this chick. What's so ridiculous is how she never fails to tell you how amazing she is and how you can't resist her web of sexual desire. In the the latest issue of Cosmo this useless bimbo reminds me how much I can actually hate a human being.

Megan on commitment: "I have no problem with commitment — you can't have a real relationship without it. I can flip on a switch in my brain, and even if the next Brad Pitt is standing next to me, I won't look at him. But I can also turn that switch off, and then I collect attractive boys."

Megan on boys: "I never call them guys. I always called them boys. Maybe it's a superiority complex — my needing to keep them down."

Megan on being hit on by famous dudes: "It's fun when someone intends to put you in his back pocket, but instead, he walks away wounded. I make it a mind game, so they don't know if I'm hitting on them or mocking them. Male actors drop lines about their private jets, trying to seem powerful, but I don't give a shit. I don't need someone else's power. I'm obtaining my own."

Megan, babe, you're not obtaining power. The only thing you're obtaining is a ahort list of shitty movies on IMDB.COM. You're starring (cough) being cast as a hot body with minimal dialogue, thank God, in horrific movies. You made both Transformers almost unwatchable and they're both filled with Transformers and explosions which happen to be two of my favorite things ever. Your acting talent, or lack thereof, is beyond words. You make Ben Affleck look like Marlon Brando. Telling people you're awesome doesn't make you awesome. It makes you stupid. Jennifer's Body will be a winner opening weekend because kids are stupid and love stupid movies, but after week two, crash and burn. The reason I hate Hollywood is because people like this are famous. If you disagree with me on who's hotter, Angelina Jolie or Megan Fox, consider this...

Angelina Jolie is married to Brad Pitt.

Megan Fox dates Brian Austin Green.


Case closed. I win.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Mega Millions


In a dream last night, I had a vision that spoke to me. I can’t be sure, but I’m pretty sure it was God. Being such a clever, all-knowing and ubiquitous God, he took the form of Heidi Klum, so it was really easy to keep my attention. During this dream, God informed me that no one has won the mega millions in the last few weeks because it was his intention raise the jackpot because 252 million, according to him, “wasn’t enough to completely fulfill my dreams.” Of course, I humbly agreed. As you can imagine, I was overwhelmed by the magnanimous offer and I woke up weeping in a pool of sweat. Again, as of tonight at 11:01pm EST, this blog will shut down due to the great people of Mega Millions and their grotesquely generous donation of 333 million dollars to fund my capricious lifestyle, my minimal philanthropies, and absurd social calendar.

Sincerely,


Trey



UPDATE: I didn't win. See you Monday.

Madonna sucks.

A few nights ago, Madonna was playing in Bucharest. First of all, I have no idea where in the hell that is or if it is even a real place. To me, it could be as fictional as Camelot or Krypton. Regardless, Madonna was on stage doing what she does best, making people hate her. During the middle of her performance she used her infinite wisdom and superiority to teach the crowd a lesson about the tolerance of gypsies. Again, following a similar theme, I have no idea what a gypsy is or what one does, but apparently the people of Bucharest hate them a don’t hesitate to remind Madonna that she’s a washed up pop singer with a poor man’s imitation British accent, and not Ghandi. Being hated more than Madonna has to be nearly impossible. When you can’t keep people in Bucharest from booing you, your career is over. I mean hell, there can’t be more than like three people in the crowd that speak English. Of those three, 1 might know more than one of her wretched songs. My hatred for her runs so deep that if tomorrow she were eaten alive by a pet bear in Bucharest, I would dedicate my life to the discrimination of gypsies and the prosperity of the great people of Bucharest.


Friday, August 28, 2009

FAIL


Fat Girl Faceplants Off a Mechanical Bull - Watch more Funny Videos

Guess who won't leave me alone...?



I love her sunglasses...




Being able to call Kelly Brook your girlfriend must be the equivalent of having a golden penis that prints money and ages you backwards. Seriously, even if you're gay, there's no way you don't want to have sex with this woman. If you don't, to me, you're not significant enough for me to acknowledge your existence.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Tonight is my last night as a member of the proletariat



Tonight, I lament to inform you that as of 11:01 tonight, this blog will shut down. I would continue, but considering my Satellite phone won't allow internet access while my yacht is ported in Monte Carlo, it's going to prove difficult. I would like to thank all the staff at the Georgia Lottery for allowing this to happen. I'm officially 252 million dollars richer...which makes me a badass.

Roger Federer is like third chair claironet compared to Andy Roddick...

I'm not the first genius to make analogous a man's success or life's accomplishments, to the woman he's capable of scoring. Based on this logic, Tennis titles mean nothing. Federer dominating Roddick on the court simply doesn't matter. What matters is Federer couldn't score Brooklyn Decker with 15 Grad Slam titles. Instead, he scores this. Now, I'm not trying to be a dick (wait, maybe I am), but nonetheless, she's cute. To my point, 15 Grand Slams gets you that, but being Andy Roddick gets you this. Andy, it's ok, in the game of life, you win...BIG.




In the words of Harry S Truman, "If you can’t convince ‘em, confuse ‘em."



Ashlee, I'm not sure what your goal was wearing this dress to the InStyle party, but I'm pretty sure if it had anything to do with casting a spell on me, mission accomplished. I've had this picture since Thursday and every night I open and stare at it for 10 minutes contemplating a witty commentary that convinces me that I'm going to snap out of the trance that leaves me desperate to have sex with her. I know I should be embarrassed, but I can't help it. I'm a victim of her witchcraft, which I can say closely resembles the fast twitching seizures from True Blood. Being that I'm completely bound by spells of the darkside, I can only say her red (ish) hair and smoking sticks make me dizzy with a testosterone and black magic fueled euphoria that can only be quinched with an exorcism or a bottle of Cristal and night in the Sky Villas at the Palms Hotel.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Inglorious Basterds


I spent Sunday afternoon at the movies with 300 people that have apparently spent the majority of their adult lives gorging themselves to morbid obesity at the Golden Corral Buffet. That's not really the point of this story other than on both sides of me, I couldn't tell whether the whale sharks were sleeping and snoring or if it was just their tortured diaphram expending labored and deafening breaths.

Inglorious Basterds was Tarintino at his best since Pulp Fiction. I know that pretentious movie critics have been and will continue to bash this movie, but don't listen to them. Basterds was full of the enthusiastic and comical violence and the fanstically witty and brisk dialougue we all love in his films. Its violence was disgustingly awesome and the character development, weaved into a perfectly timed revealing web of the storyline...wait a minute...if I ever write this shit again, I'll shut this site down, hang myself with my vas deferens, never to write again. I hate it when I forget how to be awesome. I'm going to go cut so I can stop the pain.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Why is God so cruel?






Not only is Mila Kunis single handedly responsible for the success of Forgetting Sarah Marshall, but she's about to absolutely blow up as a leading lady in young Hollywood. Mike Judge's new movie, Extract, looks originally funny, but most importantly, exposes Mila at her very best. To top that off though, news sources released reports that Mila will star along with Natalie Portman in a movie about two rival ballet students. Now that sentence about ballet would normally make my penis pack its clothes and find another home, but in this movie, there is reportedly a scene in which the two actresses engage in, "ecstasy-induced hungry aggressive angry sex." Now I'm not one to exaggerate anything, but if this movie delivers on its promises, there is no chance I can go to the theaters to watch this without being arrested and having lewd and lascivious somewhere in my sundry list of predatory and sexually explicit charges. I would share needles with Magic Johnson in exchange for one day holding the microphone during the filming of this scene. Macaulay Culkin landing this Ukrainian goddess is simply cruelty poured on my sinking testosterone and lit on fire.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Kanye West is the bane of my existence.



Kanye West and his girlfriend, Tito Ortiz, were in Miami and these pictures were taken as he showed off his vomitous derriere and butcher shop implants. Seriously, Tito...if you're planning on making a comeback to UFC...you might wanna mix in a squat or lunge every now and then.

Semen...ya (no irony there)




South African Caster Semenya, 18, had to take a gender test after doubts were raised about her sex.
But despite the furore, she easily took gold in the final in Berlin.

The teenage sensation has sparked controversy over her strikingly muscular physique.
Today officials at the world athletics body, the IAAF, revealed that it ordered her to take a gender test three weeks ago.

IAAF spokesman Nick Davies confirmed the tests were taking place, though he said the results would not be confirmed for several weeks.



I'm not sure what the argument is here because there is a 0% chance this person was born with a vagina. I haven't seen a DUDE more jacked since Ben Johnson took the blocks in Seoul in the 1988 Olympics and he was juiced out of his mind. Look, I'm not sure who investigates this kind of thing, but seriously, save your money...1-800-chixwdix.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009



Dear Timmy,

I conceed you're an amazing talent. I conceed you have a remarkable moral compass. But dude, WTF is this? Are you seriously shirtless in the clouds in Ben Hill Griffin? Looking at this picture makes me think I've jumped into Sigfreid and Roy's wet dreams. Gimme a G-A-Y-T-O-R-S!!!

Captain obvious.


Forty percent of the messages on Twitter are "pointless babble" along the lines of "I am eating a sandwich now," according to a study conducted by a US market research firm.

Pear Analytics, based in San Antonio, Texas, said that it randomly sampled 2,000 messages from the public stream of Twitter and separated them into six categories.

The categories were: news, spam, self-promotion, pointless babble, conversational and pass-along value.

Pear said "pointless babble" accounted for 811 "tweets" or 40.55 percent of the total number of messages sampled.


In a related story, a market research firm (read-->Trey) studied people that update their facebook status and found that 99.7% were dorks.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Least surprising statement ever spoken..ever.


JACKSONVILLE, Fla. (AP) - Researchers say Florida's population has declined for the first time in 63 years and economists are blaming - what else? - the recession.

The head of the University of Florida's Bureau of Economic and Business Research says Monday that the state's total population dropped by 58,000 in the past year. It's the first decline since large numbers of military personnel left the state in 1946 after World War II.

Bureau director Stan Smith says not as many people are moving to the Sunshine State since its tax revenues have plunged and it has seen jobs leave. Would-be Floridians also are finding themselves stuck in homes that they can't sell, so they can't afford the move.



Hey Stan, NO SHIT.

occifer I'm sotally tober.


JANESVILLE — A man whose blood alcohol level was more than five times the legal definition of intoxication apparently tried to make a getaway attempt in a squad car Aug. 7, according to a report from the Rock County Sheriff’s Office.

Deputies responded at 11:22 p.m. to an anonymous complaint and found 30 to 40 cars parked outside, the report says. Several vehicles were leaving the scene when deputies arrived. The house was dark and no one would come out, the report says.

As a deputy peered inside, a 20-year-old Janesville man walked out of a cornfield, the report says. The man admitted he’d been drinking, and deputies put him in the back seat of a squad car.

A few minutes later, Deputy Matthew Jacobson heard the squad car’s alarm going off and saw the 20-year-old man in the driver’s seat. When asked where he was going, the man said he wanted to go back with his friends. He was cited for obstructing a police officer, handcuffed and put in the back seat.

The man submitted to a breath test and blew a 0.41, more than five times the level considered intoxicated, the report says. Jacobson thought the result might be a mistake, so he had the man take another test with a different breath-testing machine, resulting in a 0.38 reading.

When contacted Friday, the man said he wasn’t sure how much he drank that night but estimated “a couple of cups” of beer. He said he thinks the breath tests were inaccurate. He denied making an escape attempt but admitted he didn’t remember everything that happened that night.

Dude...wow. Seriously, a .41? Then a .38 after you try to steal the cop car? Yeah you had a couple of cups of beer alright, right before you did a 60 second keg stand, right before you ate the entire watermelon injected with Golden Grain, right before you had 7 shots of Absinthe, right before you ate the worm at the bottom of the Mezcal bottle. This is your classic high school drunk little shit. I would bet $100.00 this kid lives with his mom and run all over her. His dad doesn't get much time with him because they're divorced and he works all the time and lives in another state, so when they're together, he just tries to buy his love. This kid could cry for hours on a leather couch about how he's never been good enough for his father, but instead, he just drinks his ass off. My favorite part of the story is that he denied attempting to escape in the squad car, but can't remember anything that happened that night. If this were my kid, the only way he would be bailed out of jail would be by the bus en route to military school.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Most dominant sprinter of all time...



The gun sounds and this 6'5" gazelle jumps to the lead within 15 meters and never looks back. This is the most dominant athlete in sports today. He makes Tyson Gay look like an amateur. This performance is truly amazing.

Burquini Contests just aren't that much fun...


British swimming pools have begun hosting special Muslim swim sessions during which swimmers — including non-Muslims — are banned from entering the pool if their swimming attire doesn't comply with dress code required by Islamic custom.

Under the rules, men must be covered from the naval to the knees, while women, who swim separately, must be covered from the neck to the ankles, according to the U.K.'s Daily Telegraph newspaper.

The special sessions in Britain have elicited anger from critics who say they are divisive and put a strain on relations between Muslims and non-Muslims, the Telegraph reported.

Puh-lease! If your religion doesn't allow for swimming without completely covering yourself, then open a private pool. This is hardly my problem. If you're a vegetarian, don't eat at McDonald's. Europe has become a breeding ground for expanding Islam. By 2020, Muslims across Europe will double and its laws like this that are getting them closer to America. If this religion were proven ever-peaceful, then this wouldn't piss me off like it does. When bus bombs start going off in London and Paris, when suicide bombers explode cafes in Ibiza and Amsterdam, don't say we didn't warn you. Telling non-Muslims that they can't swim unless they cover themselves is absurd. If you want a pool where everyone has to be covered, build it and make it private; otherwise, Eff You. I would rather have late stage Ebola virus than move to Europe if laws like this are the norm.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Dude, you better live in the human society...



"As we all know in the past, I've made some mistakes. I've done some terrible things...made a horrible mistake...and now I wanna be part of the solution and not the problem."

Well Mr Vick, a mistake is getting off your bed and stepping on your dog's tail. I wouldn't classify electrocuting your dog with battery cables, drowning your dog in your pool with your bare hands while the helpless dog fights for his life, or throwing your household pets into the ring with your killer pit bulls, a mistake. According to a 1997 study done by the Massachusetts Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (SPCA) and Northeastern University, animal abusers are five times more likely to commit violent crimes against people and four times more likely to commit property crimes than are individuals without a history of animal abuse. That said though, I think a lot of Vick's problems were the company he kept. My father always said, "You sleep with the dogs, you rise with the fleas." For Vick, this was true in more ways than one. I think he's truly remorseful. I think he'll be all the things he says he wants to be, but then again, he really doesn't have a choice. No athlete besides maybe Orenthal James Simpson has fallen as far as he has. I thought the press conference was sincere, but boy did he need to be brought down a few notches. This is the same guy that was awaiting trial and gets busted for marijuana. The same guy that gives the bird to his fans in Atlanta as he walked off the field. The same guy that did abhorrent things to innocent defenseless animals. I want the guy to rehab and assimilate into society and the NFL as a productive citizen and player, and as a prime example of what it costs to be an asshole in the NFL and society. After all that's said and done, guys in the NFL have done worse...runover a guy while you're hammered (Stallworth), Shoot up a strip club among coutless other offenses (A. Jones), butcher and gut your wife and an innocent restaurant waiter outside your LA home (OJ). I just think that Vick played his cards wrong and let his arrogance represent him. He's paid a price which is more than most have done. If Philly accepts him, then I guess I will...that city's full of assholes.

Rachel McSmokin'





Seriously, this is without a doubt one the most underrated, classiest, talented, most beautiful actresses in Hollywood. You never see her in the tabloids drunk and humiliating herself. She always seems to choose solid roles that don't overexpose, yet do just enough to keep her star burning bright. Here she is on the red carpet doing what she does best...reminding me what I closed the book on. Yes, there was once a day where I thought we had a future, but as everyone knows, when you don't grow together, you grow apart. I was in a bad spot and despite an erotic and animalistic sexual chemistry, I simply couldn't surrender to her copious emotional demands. It was always I need more, give me more, love me more, blah blah blah. "Rachel, our love is dead, as I am dead. Marry another." (Legends of the Fall)

Abstinence strikes again...



Uh, no it's not.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Britney imitates frozen grandparents from Weird Science..


This poor redneck just can't help but shine her white trash Mississippi/Louisiana roots. It's often said, you can take the girl out of the trailer, but you can't take the trailer out of the girl. 10 years ago Britney Spears was making pop music history, making teengae boy's penises explode, and making life in general, her bitch. Now...now she looks like the crazy promiscuous sister that your parents were ashamed of. I could walk past this chick in Wal-mart and not even think for one second that this could be a celebrity sex symbol. She would fit right in with the obese women with diabetic lesions working the clothes department and dressing rooms with thinning greasy hair and a banana clip. Honestly, being a child star of her magnitude and fame is like the kiss of death. Other than Ron Howard, I can't think of one child star that has actually maintained his/her sanity. Despite being an advocate for Darwinism, I hate to prey on the weak. That said though, I loved this picture more than Bud Light Lime. It basically screams, "Extra Extra...Read about me...I'm a nut job!" She looks like she's staring at a huge Starbuck's Frappicino shaped chocolate bar floating 20 feet in the air. The last time I saw someone this focused was when Heidi Klum collapsed and stared into my eyes after 23.6 straight hours of tantric lovemaking. I apologized for the .4 hours, I told her, "Hey, no one's perfect."

Breakfast of champions


The exposedandnaked has been a little too focused on NObama as of late, so I saw this and felt compelled to share its ingenuity. I'm not sure how this will be applicable, but my goodness, you gotta admit, this guy's heart is in the right place. Inventors and entrepreneurs always say you should keep a notepad next to your bed because you'd be amazed how many multi-million dollar ideas come to you at 3:00 in the morning. If a fraternity keg party, followed by college game day, followed by a fraternity keg party were a notepad at 3:00 in the morning, then this is exactly how backpack keg was invented. Something tells me that guys were sitting around drinking before a game and instead of filling Ziplock bags, a Camelback, or shotgunning another six pack, they came up with this. Regardless of the circumstance, here's to you, Mr. Walking Kegerator Guy.

From ground to glory...or something.




There's something peculiar about Stacy Keibler. I can't quite put my finger on it. She's a pretty girl, don't get me wrong, but there's something that just isn't right. Maybe it's her 42" legs from hip to ankle. She could stand next to me and I would look like that cool midget guy from Jackass that can kick himself in the face. She almost has to date an NBA player. Girls like Stacy are so awkwardly tall and gangly in high school that they usually look for acceptance and attention from boys in other ways...hint, hint, wink, wink. I wish to God I had gone to high school with Stacy Keibler. I would've used her legs to tie myself into a knot like a pretzel.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Something smells fishy



The Government interested in our health care system should scare you to death...pardon the pun. The United States health care system represents 16% of our total economy. That's represents alittle over 2 trillion dollars. I know our Congress has desensitized us to large sums of money, but a trillion dollars is a massive amount of money. Regardless, this isn't about health care. It's not about, as Obama says, "Preventing anyone from standing in between you and the care you need." This is simply about a political party using health care as a pawn for increasing their power. If you know anything about government or health care, you know this is tragedy waiting to happen. I know this sounds a little redundant to previous posts, but this is a critical issue. Yesterday in New Hampshire, President Obama held a forum/town hall meeting to push his health care reform. If you watched it, you saw nothing that resembled the other town hall meetings. Why? Well, because they limited the crowd to staunch democrats and Obama campaign contributors.

Below is a "random" (yeah right) question by a young girl whose mother happens to be an attorney and large sum contributor to the Obama campaign. Nothing about this chance question is chance. Nothing about this town hall being filled with smiling happy people is chance. This was simply a PR move by Obama to try and fool ignorant uninformed voters. This reform is losing steam every day yet Obama continues to ignore the American people and force this into law.



There was one bright spot though. During the town hall yesterday in New Hampshire, Obama tried to compare the private sector competing against government programs. I know he wishes he could take it back, but this is what he said:

"They do it all the time. UPS and FedEx are doing just fine. It's the Post Office that's always having problems."

No shit Sherlock. This is exactly what we've been trying to tell you in town hall meetings all around the United States...that is unless you hand pick your audience and ban the opposers from being there and asking questions. The fact that Obama expects us to believe that we're this stupid pisses me off and it should piss you off too.

It's just a little snake bite...



An 87-year-old Tampa woman had had it with the motherloving snakes on her motherloving porch.

So when a seven-inch pygmy rattlesnake slithered up to Esther Orring's door and bit her on the hand, she got even, strangling the venomous little serpent with her bare hands.

"She's a tough lady," Orring's daughter, Maria Pellicone, told WFLA. "She's a very strong person, so she will be a survivor."

Orring has been hospitalized since the Monday incident, after she was administered several vials of antivenin.

But the well-gripped granny is expected to make a full recovery, and Pellicone says she'll have the dead snake framed for her.

This woman is like the Steven Segal of Grandmothers. This couldn't be more hard core if you added handgrenades, landmines and barbed wire. If you're the grandson of this woman, you better not be less than the scariest person on Earth.


Angie, your timing for being gorgeous is perfect.



Angelina Jolie is the arch nemesis of every girl in the world. If you notice, girls always hate her. Girls hate her because she's ridiculously hot, but mostly because they all think she's responsible for stalking Brad Pitt and breaking up him and Jennifer Plainiston. While the girls hate her, the men secretly fantasize about this sex pot. If you don't, look down your pants and make sure your penis hasn't run away from your gay ass. Even 23 kids later, Angelina Jolie still makes my penis want to hump itself. I would wade through a pool of Hepatitis C and Swine Flu just to see her in line at McDonalds. Women this hot simply aren't human. There's no possible way.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Emmy Rossum should just make a sex tape.





I am about as well versed in unimportant and frivolous Hollywood starlets as anyone on Earth. I know it seems weird, but it comes natural to me. I just have a weakspot for supermodels, smoke-show actresses, and German girls named Heidi. All this said, I must've been sleeping when Emmy Rossum stormed the scene. Seriously, where in the flock did she fly in from? This girl is hotter than 7 hells. There are some girls in Hollywood that leave you wondering how they got famous (cough) Kirsten Dunst, but Emmy, well let's just say she doesn't fall into that category.

One scoop or six?


Viagra ice cream to go on sale at Selfridges

Pop-up boutique, The Icecreamists, will serve The Sex Pistol - an ice cream cocktail packed with libido-boosting ingredients and served with La Fee Absinthe.

Entitled The Sex Pistol, this bespoke creation is served as an ice cream cocktail and is packed with libido-boosting ingredients such as ginkgo, biloba, arginine and guarana. It’s served with a shot of the highly intoxicating La Fee Absinthe and is guaranteed to get your blood pumping. Customers are limited to one serving per person.

Getting your swerve on at the local ice cream shop is badass. You're gonna have guys standing in line pitching tents in their khakis. The only thing better would be to have rockets serving you your ice cream in skimpy outfits. Also, the names should be like triple orgasm, nipple pink, love cherry, peppermint pole, and the always refreshing, bubblegum BJ and tropical threesome.

Just a little ode to one of the most original comedies of all time.


Anchorman - Massive Erection - Watch the best video clips here

Saturday, August 8, 2009

I hate our Congress.




WASHINGTON -- Congress plans to spend $550 million to buy eight jets, a substantial upgrade to the fleet used by federal officials at a time when lawmakers have criticized the use of corporate jets by companies receiving taxpayer funds.

The purchases will help accommodate growing travel demand by congressional officials. The planes augment a fleet of about two dozen passenger jets maintained by the Air Force for lawmakers, administration officials and military chiefs to fly on government trips in the U.S. and abroad.

The congressional shopping list goes beyond what the Air Force had initially requested as part of its annual appropriations. The Pentagon sought to buy one Gulfstream V and one business-class equivalent of a Boeing 737 to replace aging planes. The Defense Department also asked to buy two additional 737s that were being leased.

Lawmakers in the House last week added funds to buy those planes, and plus funds to buy an additional two 737s and two Gulfstream V planes. The purchases must still be approved by the Senate. The Air Force version of the Gulfstream V each costs $66 million, according to the Department of Defense, and the 737s cost about $70 million.

So let me get this straight. Earlier this year, Congress busted the balls of the heads of automakers for arriving in private jets to the bail out hearings; however, despite a hemorrhaging economy and a burdened American taxpayer created by erratic and irresponsible spending on Capitol Hill, they can drop over 500 million on private luxury jets. I can't believe the nerve of these assholes. It's incredible. Every American in the workforce fears for their jobs more than any time in our nation's history. In a time where keeping your job is the new raise, our Congress votes themselves a raise. Every lawmaker already makes on average, 169,300 with leadership positions pushing into the 200's. This should be infuriating. I just don't understand how one can sit idle as their elected officials rape their constituents. They want to reform health care, but refuse to accept the health care themselves. They bar the automaker CEO's from arriving in Whashington via private planes, yet spend over 500 million of OUR money on their luxurious jets. Congress is spending more money than they ever have despite the sinking economy leaving our country's tax revenues at the lowest point in nearly 30 years. Please educate yourselves on your Congressional seats. Please educate yourselves on the platforms that are bankrupting our Government and ruining our health care system which represents 16% of our nations economy. 2010 will be our last chance to block this rapid Government expansion and socislistic slide.

Close your eyes and you'll never know the difference...

This is an amazing impression. Jordan Peele's life long dream is to be a cast member on Saturday Night Live. To the dismay of Lorne Michaels, Jordan has a boat load more talent than anyone that's been on SNL in at least 10 years sans Andy Samberg. Peele joining SNL would be as logical as Tom Brady joining the Arena Football League.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth...




NAIROBI, Kenya - A Kenyan man's offer of 40 goats and 20 cows for Chelsea Clinton's hand in marriage may still be on the table — and Hillary Rodham Clinton has promised to convey the "very kind offer" to her daughter.

To laughter at a town hall meeting Thursday in Kenya, CNN's Fareed Zakaria asked the U.S. Secretary of State if the Clintons had made a decision on the dowry offer. In 2000, a Kenyan man wrote to then-president Bill Clinton offering the animals in accordance with African tradition.

After a pause, Clinton said, "My daughter is her own person, very independent, so I will convey this very kind offer."

Kind? With all due respect President and Madam Secretary, this is significantly more than kind. It's obscene. This is like trading the entire Google corporation for her hand in marriage. Goats in Kenya are like skinny people in Alabama...they're just hard to find. Deals like this only come around every 50 new moons or so, but when they do, it is imperative that you're ready to pull the trigger.

If you're wondering what wins, this is it.



Sometimes when genes come together, there's magic. This is one of those times. Kelly Brook is so sexy she'll blow your face off. I'm not sure if she can actually speak words or cut her own meat, but who cares about such frivolous and inconsequential details. Kelly Brook can light your pants on fire by accident. You could just be walking past her and whoof...up in flames. I would trade my virility for one night...just one.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

So many mixed emotions...




Girls like this make me so angry. They're blessed with God's greatest gift and they abuse it. Obviously, being a muse to every man on Earth is not an easy cross to bear, I get that. It's understood not everyone can be a martyr; however, girls like this, girls woven and whittled into genetic masterpieces always taunt their makers. They should be sleeping in hyperbaric chambers with oxygen misting facials of Jasmine and Sweetgrass, but instead they're cooking themselves in tanning beds, diving for loose penises and smoking 3 packs a day. Sienna Miller was one of the sexiest girls in the world when she revealed her half-naked self in Layer Cake, but now she seems like a half smoked cigarette filter...spotted brown, wrinkled and mishapen from its original form. It's simply not fair. I need these narcissists to be more understanding of MY feelings. I'm running out of Holywood starlets to obsess over.