Thursday, January 27, 2011

Feel dirty, need bath, don't care.







I think Vanessa Hudgens is like 16, but hopefully for me, and my criminal record, she's 20, cause she's absolutely on fire. She was wisely picked to be the spokeperson for Candies shoes and without equivocation, I can say the person responsible for that move is the smartest person in the world. She's hotter than 7 hells. The fact that zac Efron, the poster boy for sexual ambiguity and effeminacy, has landed this rocket ship, makes me want to fly to Los Angeles and put him to sleep. The only thing that little shit has contributed to society is somehow talking her into sending naked camera phone pics and then uploading them to the internet. Geez...I love the information age! Lucky me!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Katie Couric is so irrevlevant.



Katie Couric came under fire this month for suggesting a Muslim version of 'The Cosby Show' would go a long way in fixing America's ignorance about the Islamic faith.

"Maybe we need a Muslim version of 'The Cosby Show' ... I know that sounds crazy," Couric said on a web version of her show, while discussing the major stories from 2010. "But 'The Cosby Show' did so much to change attitudes about African-Americans in this country, and I think sometimes people are afraid of things they don't understand."

Critics were quick to call Couric's well-intentioned remarks simplistic and "bird-brained."

But Muslim and Arab writers, directors and actors say they see Couric's remarks as a stepping stone to tolerance and say the CBS news anchor gave them a platform they wouldn't have otherwise had to express their desire for more positive Muslim portrayals on scripted television.

Guys, listen, this is America. It's the most tolerant, accepting and rewarding nation in the history of mankind. In the 1970's, when interracial relationships weren't exactly mainstream, we had the Jeffersons. In the 80's, The Cosby's brought us into their living room. Regardless, neither of those shows made us understand African-American culture anymore than Roots explains the incomprehensive atrocities of slavery or Saving Private Ryan reveals the perils of war. That's ignorant beyond comprehension. We don't give a shit if you have a television show. You know what we care about? We care when zealots, in the name of your peaceful god, fly planes into buildings killing thousands of innocent civilians while you cheer in the streets. We also care when you walk into airports and explode yourself, killing 40 innocent travelers. It's also not very endearing when you behead innocent journalists because, as you claim, they're infidels, and then post it to your TV network. We don't have a problem with Islam. We have problems with members of the Islamic faith that don't publicly denounce the actions of insane homicidal/suicidal zealots. Katie Couric, shut the hell up. No one wants to hear your stupid liberalism, nor do we wanna see your colon on national television. Actually, based on your ratings, no one wants to see you at all.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Wait...what tha.


I think it was just this week I was writing about how hot Rihanna is and how she tortures me with her sexiness. Because of that, I refuse to believe that this is her. In fact, right now, I'll bet 100 bucks this isn't Rihanna, but Cousin IT from the Adams' Family. What is it about famous people that they can't continue looking normal and beautiful. Celebrities are worthless.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

You sure are purty.



If this woke me up at any point in my life, I would sear I was in Heaven. I don't know if I've ever seen anything more physically beautiful...except that one time I saw a midget dressed as a cowboy brushing a miniature horse mane and shooting a cap gun at passing cars. Now that was glorious. It was like a hat trick of fantasy and perfection. Who wouldn't recall a rare and vivid memory like that. I do love a good miniature horse. The juxtaposition of being wildly useless and completely necessary is riveting to me. Wanna know something else riveting...Heidi Klum. See how I went full circle. I'm like the Rain Man of Blogspots.

Tommy likey....


Kate bekinsale is 37 years old and has a daughter. I find it troubling when women with children, magnets on their cars, or those stupid flip flops with all their names, and most importantly, a cup full of misery, tell other women that haven't given birth, how "hard" or "impossible" it is to lose or how "fat" they're gonna get after having babies or how "skinny" they were until they had kids. Odds are, you weren't that skinny. Second, you haven't gotten your body back because, like having sex with your husband, it's not important to you. Is there as much time, nope. Is it harder, yep. Are there days when you want to throw in the towel, of course. Supermodels aren't alien species that instantly rebound from childbirth. The reason they rebound is because they care what they look like. They get paid for it. Sure, they have chefs, easy lives etc. That's not my point though. It just takes giving a crap. ahh...whatever...this is pointles. Besides offending every woman too lazy to work out, the point of this blog was to talk about how insanely hot Kate Beckinsale still is at 37 with a kid. Granted, she does smoke fags like a freight train so that probably helps. Oh well, i don't have a clue where this is going anymore...and look, I've got a bowl of Moose Tracks Ice Cream to eat. Yummy in my tummy!

This is your face...this is your face on Botox.



Is this organism a human being? I'm not joking. I can't be sure. What is she like 24? Jesus, do you need to freeze your face with Botulinum Toxin that early? I can see why Nicole Kidman looks like the frozen grandparents in Weird Science, but Megan Fox? What the hell has she done to herself? It just looks creepy. Her neck is so long. Is she a Kayan Lahwi woman that wears those creepy rings that extend the neck? I'm so confused by the fascination with this girl. It's no secret that she sucks to me, so with this stupid look, it just vendicates my contempt. You know what else sucks...this post. I just wasted 8 minutes of my life creating this P.O.S. of a blog post. NEXT!

Anniston would sell her soul to subtract 10 years.




Could there be a person on Earth more desperate than Jennifer Anniston? Seriously. She makes Jessica Simpson seem grounded and lucky in love. In like a year, when she's 59, she'll still be posing as an 8 year old for photos in magazines while yearning for the attention of the men folk. Can you say daddy issues...and by daddy, I mean, "Brad, why do you keep changing your number?" Are you kidding me with these pictures? Despite her dried up and dusty vacuumed womb, she rolls on a bed with a stuffed animal. Not to mention, the picture is so airbrushed, it hardly looks like her. This may as well be Betty White. After all, at least Betty White is talented, funny and lucid, not insufferable, miserable and dilusional. I can't put my finger on why I loathe her so much, but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with a personality completely void of humility, graciousness and charisma.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Xtina is on the Jessica Simpson diet


Ok...WTF happened to my genie in the bottle? Was the bottle Crisco oil? Was it not like two years ago when Xtina was a slender sexpot with the voice of an angel. What hasn't she been eating. Holy crap. I bet her blood type is Rocky Road. Even her vocal chords are fat. Usually girls get divorced, lose weight and get implants...not Xtina. I think she ate her prenup because you know that thing was rich. God knows I haven't seen that dreadful movie Burlesque, but no one else has either. The few clips I have seen though, show a more than slightly thick Christina doing risque chair dancing. Who told her we want to see that. We don't didn't. Come on Stina, get it together.

I would hate hate hate hate to be an athlete part deaux



Andy Roddick is kind of cool I guess, but I watched the Bachelor tonight...shhhhh, and I'll tell you, secretly of course, Heidi Klum isn't the only guy in love with Seal. I've got a serious man crush. If I had a voice like that, I would never talk. I would sing everything to everyone. Girls would ask me random questions like, "What time is it?" and I would respond in song. I bet he used to get laid by accident. Make fun of his face if you want, but I'm pretty sure he gets the last laugh.

Heidi Klum - 5 years > all that come to mind

The Keebler elf and I love the beach.


The hobbit and I went frolicing in the sand and surf this weekend, and as usual, the paparrazi refuse to give us one damn moment of privacy. Being a celebrity gets so old. You can't see in this picture, but right off camera, I said, "Hayden, look at this!"

Public indecency is only 140.00. Just with the look on her face alone, it was totally worth the money. Gotcha...I'm awesome!

Monday, January 17, 2011

Don't let the smoove taste fool ya...



First we have Housewives of Atlanta, then this. Hopefully, oh goodness I hope, that this is an act of hyperbole. Sadly, I'm not so sure.

"So it sounds to me, like you can slide on my ice like an Escapade?"

What the hell is an escapade? I've heard of Escalades. I've also heard of Eskimos. Never heard Escapades...not since Janet Jackson's Rhythm Nation anyway. The fun really begins at the 3:00 mark.

"Ain't nobody marchin', ain't nobody walking, we done boycotted the school buses for a whole week, that's enough Rosa Parks. You can get back on the bus now and go to the school."

Either this chick is brilliant, or she's borderline retarded.

Rihanna is a mocha goddess of love






It's a shame Rihanna wasted all that time with Chris Brown. He seems like such a little b%##%. He's one of those guys I would love to hit one time. It would be a one punch knock out. Then everybody would jumping around screaming, "ohhhhhhh!!!!" with their hands over their mouths and I would just be like kind of smiling because, well, I did just KO a dude with one punch. Anyway, back to Chris Brown being a little B%$%#. Don't you have to be to hit a girl, especially one that looks like this (Look Up). That might have come out wrong because certainly I didn't mean that a gorgeous and sexy woman like this doesn't deserve to be hit(Look up one more time), but a less attractive one does. That's just ridiculous, unless of course your name is Samantha Rosnon, Dina Lohan, or Beyonce in that Direct TV commercial about upgrading to HD. Regardless, girls like Rihanna have no choice except stardom. When you're this hot, what else is there. You can stay in your home town and live your life while everyone hates you, or you can move to Hollywood or New York and make millions in the entertainment or modeling industry. It's simple really. Wanna know something else that's simple...typing Rihanna nude pics in my google search bar...smell you later!

Hollywood is so beautiful.



Hollywood, FYI, morbid obesity isn't beautiful and glamorous. It's quite the opposite in fact. It kills you. I guess instead though, we'll just lie to one another by saying, "Be who you are." If you're gay, fine. I agree, be who you are. If you're white, black, multiracial, fine. Be who you are. If you look like the Golden Globe mascot, lose weight. Instead of letting fat define your career in Hollywood, find some self respect and mix in a salad and a run. It's not that tough. Calorie in - calorie out = weightloss. This is an embarrassment to America and stupid Hollywood for every starving child around the world.

I would hate hate hate hate to be a professional athlete.


Mark Sanchez, the Mexican Assassin's arm candy


Aaron Rodgers, Tom Brady 2.0's Arm Candy


Cristiano Rinaldo, 1st place winner of the my girlfriend's hotter contest

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Sam Ronson will kill you.




John Dye, who played the angel of Death, Andrew, on 'Touched By An Angel' for nine seasons, has died. The actor passed away from heart failure in California on Monday. He was 47. The actual cause of death is unknown; however, neighbors have revealed the last time Dye was seen alive he was standing at the foot of Samantha Ronson's bed as his character, Andrew, instructing her that he was there to take her home. Then, Sam rolled over. John Dye was never seen alive again.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Ladies...trust me on this one.




For all the women out there salivating over the thought of being able to wear clothes without feeling self conscious, being able to shop for bikinis with confidence, lingerie, etc, please stop. I have many theories that usually hold no water. In fact, most of everything I say I just make up on the spot to offend someone or to illicit some less carefully constructed and/or ignorant retort. Sure, I'm full of it, but not about this. Listen carefully ladies.

Breast implants make you fat. This is especially true if you're not famous, however, usually true if you are. The reason for this is very simple. It's like a dog chasing its tail. You see, almost inevitably, every girl that gets home after surgery wishes they had gone bigger. Well, be glad you didn't. That would've just stamped your ticket on the obesity train...first class dining cabin. The algorithm is quite simple. It goes as follows:

Surgery

New wardrobe (Always infinitely more slutty than ever dressed before)

Now since your breasts are more prominent, the appearance is much more forgiving to weight gain. With your chest holding out your shirt, no one notices how fat your stomach has gotten. I have...and your face. Now, considering your recent weight gain, you're even more depressed you didn't go bigger. In fact, it hardly looks like you got an augmentation at this point. I agree...who could tell since you put on a 10or 20 spot. Instead of losing weight, which is completely logical, much safer, and thousands of dollars cheaper, you get em bigger. This is precisely how fun bags become angels of hypertension and obesity. Not only do I not like them, I feel they're gonna be single handedly, well maybe not single, but responsible for the decline of mankind.

This photo was released this week and was taken by Playboy several years back featuring a less obese, less top heavy Christina Hendricks. Yes, her skin still looks translucent, but she almost has humanesque proportions. If you read my blog, you'll know I think Christina Hendricks looks like a giant fire hydrant made of Play-Doh. I don't get it, nor will I ever get it. She wouldn't be the hottest chick inside a Birmingham Alabama Lane Bryant store. Regardless, sometime between then and now, Xtina decided to eat a lot of Golden Corral and fall in love with saline breast augmentations. To go from an attractive Playboy model that looks like a human born without melanin, to this crimson blimp of death and destruction does nothing but validate my theory. You could say she's more famous with GG breasts and cankles, but I would say she's more famous because for years in Hollywood, all it takes to be famous is being horizontally gifted. I'm sure she's no different.

Vicky, can I be the first to say, "Thanks, but no thanks."




The new Victoria's Secret models all gathered together for this photo in GQ or Vogue or something in an attempt to convince us that we don't secretly wish it was 2004 again. Well, Vicky, you tramp, it's not working. Is this some cruel joke? Are you trying to confuse me with all this blonde emaciation? Well, it's not working. We all know you can't have angels without Heidi Klum. I usually agree that there's no such thing as too skinny, but these faces look like skeletons. I just signed up with Sally Struthers to send 10 cents a day and feed all these chicks. Geez, this is so sad to me. Not only is this one of the most tell tale signs I'm old balls, but it rips out the heart that has belonged to the German siren temptress since as far back as I can remember. I don't want to give up on Victoria, but if she continues to betray me, I'm afraid I'll be left with no choice.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Rachel Mcadams gives her best, "Trey, please love me" pose.





After wedding crashers, ok ok ok...actually it was actually after I watched The Notebook and cried for an hour, that I fell in total love with Rachel Mcadams. What? How you could you not cry at that beautiful coming-of-age story of forbidden love, destiny, loyalty and tragedy. Noah spent his entire life trying to prove himself and win her love. I digress. The point is that Rachel McAdams is a ROCKET. Sure, she's a little pale and sinewy, but so was Fiona Apple in her Criminal video in 1997 and that didn't stop me from wanting to have sex with her now did it. I'm essentially hoping Rachel keeps making terrible movies like this one with Harrison Ford because with bad box office performances come fewer roles, and with fewer roles comes roles requiring nudity. That's one of the most basic Hollywood algorithms...just after summer blockbuster roles in Transformers and obligatory sex with directors...not naming names (COUGH) Megan Fox.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Has someone been dippin' into poppa's meth cabinet...?



Jaime Pressly, star of "My Name Is Earl," was arrested on suspicion of drunken driving Wednesday night after a traffic stop in Santa Monica, L.A. Now reports.

The 33-year-old actress -- arrested at 11:36 p.m. and booked around 2:30 a.m. -- was released Thursday morning on $15,000 bail, higher than the typical $5,000 bond.

No accident was involved, police said. Though Pressly's blood-alcohol content was not public, TMZ said bail can be set at $15,000 in DUI cases when the BAC is measured at higher than 0.15. The legal limit is 0.08.

There was a time when Jaime Pressly was on fire. Now is not that time. There are a couple of certainties in life. One, you can never underchick. Meaning, you simply can't be a 7 and date a 5, but that's neither here, nor there. Two, you just can't do meth. Meth makeovers are the worst. If you think alcohol is bad over the course of a lifetime, check out a meth billboard because those will be certain to leave an impression...and those guys do it over a 2 year period. Jaime might blow a .19, but I can assure you, based on that face, meth has been a dietary staple. In fact, one of my cousins bought from her lab last Tuesday...True Story.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Jennifer Aniston is so awesome...and by awesome, I mean heinous and insufferable.



Jennifer Plainiston was hammered last night at the People's Choice Awards. Shocker. If you asked begged bribed threatened 37 men to accompany you to the awards, and they turned you down, you'd be shotgunning champagne too. I almost feel sorry for her, but then I think about her plain jane, run-of-the-mill looks, her 15 million a movie paychecks, her inability to keep a man without crying about it for five years, and I remember how much I despise her to the depths of my soul. Seriously, just today I saw 4 girls in Atlanta 6x's hotter than Jennifer Aniston's plastic surgery Frankenstein ass. No joke. If I were Brad Pitt, I would've been willing to sex up razor blades after being married to Aniston for four years. If you don't understand why he left that insufferable walking organism of desperation for Angelina Jolie, get a hotel in Atlanta around the 10th of October because you're gay, and that's Pride Week.

Amazing story, amazing video.

If you're reading this on facebook go this link to see the video. www.exposedandnaked.blogspot.com

This is a recent viral video of a homeless man in Ohio with a strange gift. This video is almost hard to believe. If you didn't know better, you'd think that the audio was altered. Nonetheless, this is a truly great story. On a lighter note, why in the eff would you live in Ohio if you homeless. I mean, why would you live in Ohio period, but especially if you're homeless. It should be pretty obvious to determine when you see a homeless man if he's just homeless, or he's mentally insane. Unless you're homeless south of Orlando, you're bat shit crazy.



Here's part of the article posted on foxnews.com:

Ted Williams, whose deep baritone and plight have made him an online video sensation, was first contacted Wednesday by the NBA team during an interview on a local Columbus radio station.

"We'd like to offer you full-time work with the Cleveland Cavaliers, as well as Quicken Loans Arena. On top of it, because we know you're a person trying to get up on your feet, Quicken Loans is actually offering to pay a mortgage on a home," team spokeswoman Tracy Merek said on the show.

The 53-year-old father of nine tells Fox8.com that he will take the job offer.

"That lady offered me a full-time job with the Cavs and then something about the mortgage of a home? I'm going with that! Out of all the offers I've had, and I've had quite a few, I'll be working in Cleveland, Ohio," Williams told the website.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Macaulay's deal with devil just expired...





News broke today that surprised everyone, Mila Kunis and Macaulay Culkin broke up after 7 years of being together...and by surprised I mean, not surprised. I think she woke up one day and realized that over the last three years she has taken Hollywood by storm and has become a leading lady and meanwhile, her boyfriend's highlight was 20 years ago when he applied aftershave without facial hair and screamed intot he camera. Mila Kunis is so hot that she came to this country from Ukraine, learned english by watching The Price is Right, has only been in show business for a short time, and she's already 30x's more successful than Lindsay Lohan. Macaulay can live longer than those Asian dudes with the hairy moles and he'll look back at these 7 years as the greatest time of his life.