Poor Jen...

Jennifer Aniston's new movie, Wanderlust, opened this weekend to a typical Aniston performance...dead last. She's such an idiot. She's like 40 something and the only thing she has going for her is a smoking body. Her face has seen more knives than Nicole Brown Simpson, so I refuse to give her credit for that. She was rumored to have a nude scene in the movie, but because she's an A-List star, who the hell knows why, she gets final cut and decided to scrap the scene before its release. It wouldn't have done much to help since the movie earned less than a sequel starring Nic Cage. How bad does a movie have to be to lose to Nic Cage. I could make a movie on my iPhone that could outperform Nic Cage. Regardless, to add insult to painful injury, Angelina showed up to the Oscars and looked like this:



If you're a woman and you're reading this, you just called Jolie a slut. If you're a guy, you probably just masturbated.

Precious 2.0

Melissa McCarthy, the funny chick from Bridesmaids, showed up to the Oscars last night in this Broadway stage curtain. Let me guess, she's comfortable in her skin and she owned it. Wrong. Let me stop you there. The only thing getting OWNED is her knees and ankles and her arteries from the elevated cholesterol. I watched the Oscars last night, which holy crap, I wish I had that three hours back. The only thing more painful than Billy Crystals pun-filled so-called comedy, was Brad Pitt saying "screw it" and rocking the Rachel Green hair cut. I digress. Everyone made such a HUGE (pardon the pun) deal about Melissa McCarthy and how beautiful she looked. Bullshit. The same people that gushed about how gorgeous she looked, would be chasing Oxy with Drano if they looked like that. I don't care if she eats her way to Mars, but what annoys me is Hollywood in one breath, being the most superficial town in the world, while in the other, telling fatties like Melissa she's stunningly beautiful. It's cruel. The joke's on her. She's no different than Jonah Hill 80lbs ago, or Chris Farley. She's the fat funny girl. Hollywood sucks my nuts.

missed you...

It's been a while since we've spoken. If you cared, which you don't, but if you did, you would remember that sometime last year, I promised that I would do a better job of entertaining you with my offensive and perspicacious rhetoric; alas, I failed. Regardless, I am pulling myself out of retirement because I miss vomiting my cynicism and demanding that my opinions be substantiated. That's where you come in...see you soon.

If you're wondering what's wrong with the Republican Party, watch this video.

Im not even sure where to start with this train wreck of a human being. First of all, lose the Brokeback Mountain/Heath Ledger costume while you're denigrating the gay community...it's in very poor taste and disrespectful to a phenomenal actor. Second, while you're trying to find your place in the race for the Presidency, you should try identifying with the people that have the ability to elect you in between looking for just one articulate thought. Holy smokes this guy is an imbecile. I've been sitting here for a few minutes trying my best to think of the audience he's trying to target and besides the ultra right wing Christians, I'm at a loss. I feel like I'm a relatively dynamic person, with a large variety of friends, yet I don't know one person that thinks like this nimrod. If you cast your vote for this guy, please do me a favor and never, ever, for the rest of your miserable life, speak or communicate with me.

Talk about more than you bargained for...

Arbroath – A man in Bulawayo’s Nkulumane 5 suburb got the shock of his life after a commercial sex worker he allegedly called to his hotel room turned out to be his daughter. Mr Titus Ncube is said to have collapsed while the 20-year-old daughter bolted after seeing her father. Mr Ncube last week pleaded with reporters not to publish the story. “I am sorry for what I did. I spoke to my wife and my daughter. I apologised for my actions because I just wanted my family back,” he said. The father of three revealed he forgave his daughter for being a commercial sex worker and hired a therapist to counsel her. “I don’t blame my daughter for what happened and what she was doing. I feel it was her way of expressing her feelings about the problems in my family,” he said. “She has stopped that and is going back to school next year. My marital problems are not over, but we have a marriage counsellor who is helping us to get over this most difficult period in our marriage.” His wife, Rosemary, said: “If it were not for my children, I could have divorced him a long time ago. But because I know the trauma that divorce has on children, I made a decision to stay.”

Yeah sure, Rosemary, stay together for the kids because everything has gone great so far. Your daughter is a whore. Your husband is a JOHN. Your husband is your daughter's JOHN. What are the odds really? One of the greatest stories of all time. If you call the escort service and ask for the "bottom bitch on the track that night" (for you rookies that's whore-talk for bottom bitch=number #1 earning whore and the track is the areas all your whores work), and when she comes to the door, after paying top dollars, it's your daughter, I'm not sure what would keep you from turning and running and diving through the hotel window. As a man, nothing could even come close.

Welcome to Atlanta, where the playaz play...

On a scale of 1-10, Ray Edwards scored a 113.9 with this one. Atlanta Falcon defensive end, Ray Edwards, must have had one hell of a night with a stripper named...wait for it...LaStarya Thompson. Yes, I said LaSTARya. I mean why not LaDestinyya, or LaHopeya. The name is bad, deciding to get painted with a stripper is worse, but commissioning a 5X4ft painting can't just be done in minutes. He more than likely sobered up and was still like, "Hell yea...I want that painting above my couch. Come over and paint me and LaStarya wit my hand on her ass...and don't forget to give her a strong jawline and a face like a dude."

Come on, Big play RAY! You simply have to do better bro.

. Just adorable! So he comissioned an artist to make a five-feet wide and four-feet tall oil painting of him grabbing her ass on what looks to be a strip club sofa. What a lovely piece to hang over the mantle this holiday season.

The ambiguity of FAMILY seems crystal clear to me...why not you?

I know there will be many of you that read these words with austere eyes. There will be many that vehemently disagree with my position on this issue, and that's ok too. There was a lot of opposition in 1865, but can you imagine having this glorious country where ALL men (AND WOMEN) are created equal, any other way? There was opposition in the years that led up to the Civil Rights Act of 1964. It's 2011 and there are people in this country that are denied their God-given rights because of, in my personal belief, the way they were born. I think the speech from this young man is compelling and inspiring. This is a Gov't issue. This is more specifically a State's issue, not the Church's; because last I checked, none of us had any influence on His decisions. This seems like the most logical, most sensible conclusion, but hey, what do I know?

Meth head kidnapper sues victims...yep, you read that right.

A man who held a Kansas couple hostage in their home while fleeing from authorities is suing them, claiming that they broke an oral contract made when he promised them money in exchange for hiding him from police. The couple has asked a judge to dismiss the suit.

Jesse Dimmick of suburban Denver is serving an 11-year sentence after bursting into Jared and Lindsay Rowley's Topeka-area home in September 2009. He was wanted for questioning in the beating death of a Colorado man and a chase had begun.

This was his plea to the judge:

"I, the defendant, asked the Rowleys to hide me because I feared for my life. I offered the Rowleys an unspecified amount of money which they agreed upon, therefore forging a legally binding oral contract," Dimmick said in his hand-written court documents. He wants $235,000, in part to pay for the hospital bills that resulted from him being shot by police when they arrested him.

Neighbors have said that the couple fed Dimmick snacks and watched movies with him until he fell asleep and they were able to escape their home unharmed.

If this meth head had only done this in California, those out-of-touch liberals would've probably awarded him the money. I would love to be the judge while this guy said this to me with a straight face. I would be like, "Mr. Dimmick. First, are you serious?" Then I would look around with a half smile while I repeatedly asked the courtroom, Am I being Punk'd? No seriously...am I being Punk'd? Ashton? Ashton?" Then I would say, "You know what Mr Dimmick, here's what I'll do instead of awarded you 240,000 for breaking into a family's home and holding them hostage with a weapon. I'm gonna send you to jail. You see kidnapping, murder, breaking and entering are very serious crimes in the state of Colarado. Instead, I'm gonna let you work for this state for...whaddya say...20 years for free. How does that sound Mr Dimmick. Oh yeah, while you're in jail, no METH and you have to cut your hair. Yeah, that seems fair.

The attorney that fills out the paperwork for this case should be open hand slapped then disbarred. This country is so stupid it hurts.

Patrice Oneal RIP

While people like the Kardashians, Paris, and Lindsay, walk around this earth adding absolutely zero instrinsic value to humanity, comedic geniuses like Patrice Oneal die of strokes. I know it's widely said that God has a sense of humor, but in this case, I'm not laughing.

I dare you to watching this video and not laugh. This dude was funny.



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That's one way to do it...

I laughed out loud when I read this one. I think it's great. Only in college.

The simple difference between guys and girls

This one exchange of text messages summarizes how differently men and women approach relationships, work, and life.

Yo momma's on crack rock...

29 year old Juliette Dunn was spending the day doing what any average mom would do. She got up, dressed her kids (a 4 year old and a 10 month old), took them to the park, and forced them to drink beer. Oh, I forgot to mention that the 10 month old tested positive for cocaine. Authorities were tipped off when someone in the park saw some very “wtf” behavior coming from Juliette.

Juliette Dunn, of Bridgeport, pleaded guilty Wednesday to risk of injury to a child under the Alford Doctrine, where the defendant doesn’t agree to the facts but agrees the state has enough evidence to win a conviction.

The hideous looking creature in other picture is her “companion” whatever the hell that means. To me, it means disgusting, but hey, it's not my vagina.

A companion, 33-year-old Lisa Jefferson, pleaded guilty to the same charges. Police say officers were waved down in June by a neighbor who complained that a woman was feeding children beer at a playground...and cocaine apparently.

The two kids were turned over to the Department of Children and Families which is really the only logical sentence I've read or typed in 10 minutes. What's amazing to me is that prior to Juliette's arrest for like, almost everything, she was able to vote. There's no way in 33 hells she held a job. I mean, let's be honest, if you feed your 10 month old beer and cocaine, you're an "I don't work." It's comically tragic to me that people are confused why our country is so effed up.

Scattered Smothered and Covered

21 year old Taco Bell employee, Erica Wilson, wanted to be more than just f*ck buddies with her first cousin, 32 year old Jesse Brooks. Brooks, who had been drinking Everclear grain alcohol, apparently did not want to be tied down.

Brooks “began to touch her suggestively and stated that ‘he wanted her.’” In response, Wilson told her cousin that she “wanted a relationship and did not want to be ‘A Booty Call,’” according to a Hawkins County Sheriff’s Office report.

Oh goody! Here comes the good part.

The aforementioned comment allegedly infuriated Brooks, who began cursing at Wilson, and then allegedly knocked her to the kitchen floor with a flurry of punches. Fighting back, Wilson grabbed a pair of scissors and slashed away at her cousin’s face, neck, arms, and back.

Holy Waffle House, I love white trash. You could make a story out of every portion of this story and it would be amazing. Instead, you get cousins, Taco Bell, scissors, violence, attempted rape, attempted murder...I mean what's not to love? There are a lot of positives about growing up in the south, like the church influence and good gospel spirituals, homemade biscuits and cornbread, tobacco, red clay, bourbon, small towns, big families, momma, trains, trucks, prisons, gettin' drunk, fishin', fightin', and cow tippin', but out of all that, it's almost erased by inbread cousins chasing each other around their house with wheels and brake lights and cinderblock steps, trying to kill one another after one turns the other down during a light night drunken booty call. Erica beat that ass.

What's the lesson? If you're gonna hook up with your cousin during late night, make sure you put your bandana over her nose and mouth first, and ask her if it smells like chloroform.

Ten minutes till Wapner...

When I think of having children, I hope for their happiness, for ease of life, for intelligence. I don't think of Rain Man. I'm not sure I would hope for this. This poor little boy seem tortured. Like most geniuses, he seems like he's always bordering on insanity, like he's a madman. I wonder if he has mild Asberger's. Regardless, this story is amazing. It wouldn't surprise me if he ends up a schizophrenic. Watch the video. It's mind boggling.

Hurdles like a BOSS.

Most people would watch this video and immediately think he's the worst athlete in the entire world. As a guy that takes pride in marching to the beat of a different drum, I think this guy is a legend of track and field. Do you know how difficult it would be to run through five hurdles, leaving in your wake pieces of them flying through the air as you prepare yourself for the next obstacle. This asian dude is like a Track and Field Ninja. Not only does he decimate the hurdles, he never falls. Then like bosses do, he says, "eff it," and decides to run in his opponent's lane, as if he hadn't already reeked enough havoc. You can just tell, this dude doesn't give one damn. He's a bad ass.

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain...

Im so disturbed by this video, I don't even know where to start. This bald dude has one of the creepiest "get ups" I've ever seen. It's like a balding fat ballerina from a kung fu movie. Come to think of it, it's like a fat Asian version of that Blind Melon video, No Rain, if you put the little fat girl in a pink ballerina costume instead of a bumblebee. It would be creepy enough to stop there, but no, this dude's eyes will rob your soul before you know it. Then, add the dirty, seedy restaurant in the background and then the whole deep throating of the beer mug in order to chug it properly and you've got Sandusky alert level 9. I feel like if you watch this video, it'll be like The Ring, in that ballerina will come through the screen and murder you.

Adriana Lima makes my heart go pitty pat...

Adriana Lima, officially one of the most beautiful women of all time (I judged), released the workout and diet regiment she adheres to in order to prepare herself for the annual Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. Needless to say, upon its release, women all across the United States were heard in unison saying under their breath, "Bitch." I get it, I guess...actually, no I don't. I mean, she is Brazilian, after all, which is basically like being a Terminator built by Skynet, or a superhero from Krypton. It's obvious, especially in regard to beauty, and maybe soccer, the Brazilians are light years ahead of most countries. I know exactly what I'm gonna hear from most women about not only this diet and workout regiment, but how they don't want to look like this because "she's too thin," or she's " too skinny" or "she looks unhealthy" or "she's not a real woman. She needs some meat on her bones." Well allow me to retort. This is all woman. She has meat on her bones and it's all in the right places. Obesity isn't the object of men, unless of course you suffer from Feederism. Staying in shape is hard. Going to the fridge for celery instead of ice cream sucks, but blood pressure meds and diabetes are worse. Balancing family, work, and exercise is tough, but my sister has four kids all involved in sports and works, yet she can manage, so I don't have much tolerance for apathy or laziness. This diet is a little extreme, sure, but so is body building training. I find discipline like this admirable. If everyone were willing to go the extra mile to be at the top of his/her respective games, we wouldn't have so many drowning in mediocrity.

Adriana Lima's Diet for the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show
-Lima sees her personal nutritionist who has records of her body’s muscle mass, fat ratio, and levels of water retention.
-The nutritionist then prescribes protein shakes, vitamins, and supplements to help keep Lima from crashing during her training period. She also takes in a gallon of water a day.
-For the nine days before the big Victoria’s Secret show, Lima will only drink protein shakes which have a primary base of powdered eggs. She’s barred from eating solid foods.
-Two days before the show, Lima stops the gallon of water each day and drinks based solely upon need.
-Twelve hours before the show, Lima cuts off all liquid intake to lean out.

Frank Miller FTW

Frank Miller is a 54 year old comic book artist/creator, film director, and screenwriter, with blockbusters under his belt like, 300, Sin City and the Spirit, which are all pretty much kick ass. He's also responsible for the dark direction the latest Batman movies have taken, which make those sissy ones with Michael Keaton seem, well, like Michael Keaton starred in them. Irrespective of his Hollywood success, it seems he's dodged the constant barrage of Hollywood elitism and narcissism conveniently disguised as liberalism, and kept his rational thought. Rarely there's a time when I'm surprised by Hollywood. You see, "outliers" in Hollywood are usually castigated into oblivion. There's only been a few successful non democrat filmmakers in the last ten years. One of those is a racist maniac that deserved everything he got, but that's for another blog. This is about Frank Miller and his assessment of the Wall Street Occupiers. He just got infinitely more awesome.

Everybody’s been too damn polite about this nonsense:
“Occupy” is nothing but a pack of louts, thieves, and rapists, an unruly mob, fed by Woodstock-era nostalgia and putrid false righteousness. These clowns can do nothing but harm America.
This is no popular uprising. This is garbage.
Maybe, between bouts of self-pity and all the other tasty tidbits of narcissism you’ve been served up in your sheltered, comfy little worlds, you’ve heard terms like al-Qaeda and Islamicism.
And this enemy of mine — not of yours, apparently - must be getting a dark chuckle, if not an outright horselaugh - out of your vain, childish, self-destructive spectacle.
In the name of decency, go home to your parents, you losers.

Don't forget to pack up your Ipods, IPads, Mac Book Airs, Mac Book Pros, and your Iphones on your way to get treated for tuberculosis. Morons. This video is from the Howard Stern Show. He's a Democrat btw.

The Sandusky Home: A majestic view for pedophiles.

Jerry Sandusky, the rapist enabled by Penn State coaches and officials, had his house vandalized. It seems a large object was thrown through his window, which is now covered by a sheet. As much of a monster as this guy is, the person that did that should be thrown in jail. Violence is never the answer. Unless cutting this guy's nuts off is in the cards. Call me crazy, but the person I feel most sorry for, aside from the innocent boys of course, is Sandusky's wife, assuming she knew nothing of his alternative existence. If women can be married to serial killers for 25 years, one would have to imagine hiding pedophilia would certainly be possible. It would be horrible being in your 60's and married to man for years to learn he's been a thief of the innocence of young boys for at least 10 years. Satan will have a special room in hell for this guy. Until then, or until he's sentenced to spend the rest of miserable, worthless life in jail where pedophiles are treated by fellow inmates the way the law won't allow them to be treated outside of prison, his house sits adjacent to.....wait for it....a school. His window overlooks a school playground. You can't make this stuff up. At 5:00am this morning, as I was on my way to work and listening to Howard Stern, he said something seemingly obvious. If you have enough money to have a much better view, since most people desire landscapes of mountains or water, and your view is a school playground, you should be investigated by the FBI because there's a solid chance you rape boys in the shower. Just sayin'.

SNL has a flash of brilliance.

No one can rival my disdain for SNL over the last few years. I find it barely creative, remotely imaginative, and painfully unfunny; however, this week, amidst a storm of controversy surrounding Penn State, they managed to hit a home run. They do an amazing job of putting in perspective how ridiculous every action, or lack thereof, was at the expense of the innocence and purity of children. If you're a defender of these despicable actions, get a clue...yes, you, Penn State students.

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