Go Nick!!!! Chug chug Chug

Now it's been a while since I last added my completely original and always superiorly presented viewpoints, but this video drips of sexy awesomeness.  Not only does this dude crush a 5 minute mile, but he chugs 4 beers in the process.  When thinking of perfect things, I go straight to Rainbows, puppies and unicorns.  This video rapes unicorns of their perfection and then turns it up a notch.  If this isn't a Herculean feat, I don't know what is.  Phidippides, himself, would kneel to Nick.  Can someone tell me what happened at the end of the video...I was too aroused to finish it. 

http://youtu.be/ZyTTG2DFZok

Celebrities are insufferable part 23,756.

So, it appears Coachella is upon us again. If you don't know what that is, it's basically a dress up party for celebrities to pretend they're poor, smelly hippies. If you want to know the one place more dreadful for me than being behind a velvet rope in some lame ass club buying 500.00 bottles of shitty vodka poured into a Grey Goose bottle and calling that VIP, it's Coachella. If you want to see me wilt like Superman wrapped in chains of Kryptonite, buy me a full access pass to this herpes fest.

Yeah, I've yet to have a Hollywood identity, but I can throw an awesome "I don't care" sign to the Paparazzi. Couple that with my skinny jeans pulled gangsta-low and my leather jacket and no one will F with me. I love mixing three different stereotypes together because it makes me more badass and mysterious. So what if I'm Jewish and from the Upper East Side. Hey, where's the beer tent? I'm so wasted.

Yeah, I'm Vanessa Hudgens, I'm such a hippie. My flower headband and general carefree attitude should give it away, but if not, maybe my Urban Outfitters Hippie Starter Kit will do the trick. I love pretending to be too poor for shoes. Coachella is so trippy!

Yeah, I'm Josh Duhamel, I'm so grunge and anti-establishment. Because nothing screams grunge and bad ass like hanging with friends that shadow golf at Coachella. #Killme #Douche #rufkm

I'm Paris Hilton. Like my pitifully less wealthy friend, Vanessa Hudgens, I associate headbands with being a hippie. Please don't pay attention to my Versace dress or my 4K purse, or my WONK eye that some Bev Hills Plastic Surgeon butchered, I'm like totally a Rodeo Drive Flower Child.

I don't know my name. Frankly, I'm still shocked chicks want to sleep with me. After all, the only thing of substance on my resume is Superbad. Oh well, I'll keep being the Screech 2.0 as long as I can get hot ass. God, I love Hollywood.

I'm Elijah Wood. I didn't get the memo about this being a homeless retreat. I only came because I heard Josh Duhamel was here.

Fellony arrested and charged with, yep, a felony.

A defendant named Fellony was arrested yesterday for felony battery after she allegedly struck a woman in the head with a glass at an Indiana bar.

Fellony Silas, 30, was collared early Sunday following the fracas at Kilroy’s Sports Bar in Bloomington. The bloodied 24-year-old victim suffered several lacerations and was treated for her injuries at a local hospital.

The attack was reportedly triggered when the victim accidentally bumped into Silas while she was dancing.

Silas, pictured in the above mug shot, was booked into the Monroe County jail, where she is being held in lieu of $10,000 bond on a Class C felony battery count. There is an additional probation hold on Silas related to a prior conviction. Silas has previously been arrested in Monroe County on a variety of charges, including forgery, theft, disorderly conduct, and fraud.

This story reminds of a the book Freakonomics. In the book, the author, Stephen Levitt, chronicles the story
of two kids that were born to parents who in return for the miracle of life, aptly named the boys Winner and Loser. Loser, in complete defiance of the world that was out to get him, graduated from college and became a NYC police detective. Winner, on the other hand, is currently in the clink. He's got a rap sheet a mile long and in an ironic twist of fate, became the family Cain.

Seeing as though Im probably more cynical and cantankerous than anyones grandfather you've ever known, you know I'm not gonna give Ms Fellony the benefit of the doubt. Some of you liberals are probably saying she's never had a chance because of societal pressures and limitations, but I say she's just a criminal and the definition of the person we all don't need reproducing in this world. Fellony, however, I'm sure is giving the proverbial middle finger to responsibility and being the complete antithesis of a contributing member of society by having at least 4 kids for whom we're all paying to wear 130.00 Jordan's. This society is damned. There's not chance to bring these people out of intellectual ineptitude. Take a ride through North Georgia and take check out some of these Deliverance-esque towns with barefoot kids, barefoot and pregnant 19 year old mothers. We all should just face it, the Consumers (Leeches) outnumber the Producers (Hosts). This divide will only get worse. Awesome...I can't wait. That should be awesome.

Lara Flynn Boyle is gorgeous...i'm sorry that was supposed to say Gargoyle.

Lara Flynn Boyle used to be kind of a star in the 90's. She did Wayne's World, which for most actors in that movie, turned out to be career suicide. She also did Threesome, which is the movie I remember her from. I remember mostly because it came out when I was in like 9th grade and it was about freshman year at college and threesomes. Needless to say, those lying bastards sold me a bill of goods...I promise mom and dad. That never happened. wink. Anyway, she was never hot because she looked like someone plucked from the famine of East Africa...just another example of how stupid Hollyweird is when it comes to picking sexy women. Time, as it were, hasn't been so great to our gal, Lara. In fact, she looks a little like that guy in Robocop that falls into the toxic sewage and his face starts to melt off. That's definitely happening here, except for she's attempted to slow the process down with facial fillers so now she's left with parts of her face full and parts of her face sliding off. Obvious, not what one would hope for in the scheme of things. Admittedly though, I'm pretty sure she had given up long before this because she was dating Jack Nicholson for forever and he's like 108. There's a lot of pressure to stay attractive in this society, but I'll be honest, almost never does your first visit to a plastic surgeon stop there. And more to the point, NEVER do multiple visits to a plastic surgeon leave you more attractive than when you started. Heed that advice. Trust me.

Thank you Kelly (pinky and thumb up to ear like a phone) call me.

As you all already know, Hollyweird sucks. I support it, I suppose, in the same way I'm fascinated by really gruesome injuries and accidents. It's a shame that actors make so much that they can't face the same peril as normal people. They are always the genesis of their own demise, whether it be drugs or alcohol or sagging boobs or a receding hairline or in John Tavolta's case, all of the above. The point is I really have so many people that need to be famous over dipshits like Katherine Heigl or Sarah Jessica Parker, or Sean Penn. Well it's funny you ask...

KELLY BROOK

Born Kelly Ann Parsons
23 November 1979 (age 32)
Rochester, Kent, England, UK
Occupation Model, Actress
Years active 1995 – present
Height 5 ft 8 in (1.73 m)
Hair colour Brown
Eye colour Dark Brown
Measurements 34-25-35 (US);[citation needed]
Dress size 8(UK)

You're welcome. ladies...sorry, but take a look, it's not like you don't understand.

Keith Olbermann is unemployed...again...again...again.

Keith Olbermann was fired from like his 21st job in 19 years recently and last night he went on Letterman to discuss his demise. Letterman kicked off his brief sit-down with the TV personality by asking how long ago he had left MSNBC to go to Current TV.
“I don’t know. I have to consult my notes because after a certain point, I can’t keep track of where I’m working,” Olbermann joked. I use Olbermann joked very lightly because the only people that laugh at Olbermann also think Obama defends the Constitution and loves the free market economy. Olbermann sucks. He's painfully unfunny and dry...and I don't mean cleverly dry, like Letterman, I mean dry like prison sex. If my choice were to have an orgy with Sonia Sotomayor and Ruth Bader Ginsberg or watch a half an hour of this clown, throw me to the liberal wolves...at least they wear awesome robes and swing a mean gavel.

Annie was a high school cheerleader...

Mark Mark has been busy lifting the Funky Bunch it seems...as well as syringes filled to the brim with anabolic steroids. I have to admit, Mark Walberg always makes pretty good movies, but that's about as far as I can stretch the compliments. He couldn't be more douchey if he tried. He seems like the ultimate Hollyweird sawed-off leading man...5'7" with a meathead complex, awesome, you're hired. First, he develops Entourage on his "alleged" career in Hollywood, which might I add, is like the man's equivalent of Sex in the City, or as others know it, The Douchebag Handbook. Entourage is basically like The Jersey Shore West. If all of those things don't make you sick enough, he makes these comments about the victims of 911 and how had he been on board one of those planes, he would've saved the day with his make believe martial arts/boxing skills and his raw back acne power:

"If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did," he tells the magazine. "There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, 'OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.'"

And by blood in first class, he means the blood in his stool from pooping his pants.

SJP is a true beauty.

Allegedly, Paris Fashion Week just wrapped up last week. If you were an alien from another universe and those words were spoken with the included picture, you would assume Paris Fashion Week was something involving tortuous rabid centaurs that had come to wipe out all life on planet Earth. I could live to 219 years old and I wouldn't understand how this chick is famous, or better yet, considered a fashion icon. The reason I know men will never, ever understand women is because women's heart rates increase at the thought of a new Sex and the City movie coming out and men would rather cut off our penises than be forced to watch this horse-looking atrocity portray a hot chick in New York that gets laid by millionaires fighting over her. I've seen more believable stories at Obama campaign rallies.

Überraschung!!!!!!!!!!!

I woke up this morning to an email from Heidi. It read (adorable German accent)
"Trey, I had a friend take some photos of me last week. I just wanted you to know how much I miss you're sexy body and charming wit. I'm coming over tonight with sauerkraut...you bring the sausage."

P.S. Don't listen to the tabloids....I love your pasty skin.

Love,

Heidi <3


Well...

Seal 0 Trey Yearwood 1

Reasons I hate Chris Brown (part 6,254)

This picture was uploaded to Chris Brown's Twitter earlier this week with the caption, "Which COLOR today?"

Honestly, Chris Brown is barely literate. If you're wondering who the dumbest person on Earth is, do yourself a favor and take a gander at his Twitter account. It looks like John Wilkes Boothe and Lee Harvey Oswald got together in an attempt to assassinate the English language once and for all. Two years ago, Chris Brown, because he beat his girlfriend's ASS like a little bitch would, almost lost everything. ALMOST. Instead, idiots in this country "Forgave" him for his mistake. A mistake is running a stop sign. A mistake isn't THIS. Two years later though, after being so sorry for his mistakes and being so busy feeling sorry for his appalling behavior, he buys two identical Lambo's and a couple of Ferrari's. If you have purchased any of CB's music in the last two years, please never speak to me or read this blog. You suck too.

RG3 > Andrew Luck

If any of you watched the NFL Combine, you're acutely aware of not only how ridiculously athletic RG3 is, but how much skill he has for playing QB in the NFL. Personally, I think he's gonna be everything Michael Vick's athleticism promised, but his IQ couldn't deliver.

What pisses me off about all the coaches and rich white owners in the NFL is how they all inflated Andrew Luck's combine performance. They raved about how his athleticism shocked everyone because they clocked him at a 4.5. Well, a 4.5 is fast, but his official time wasn't anywhere close to that. RG3 has every bit of skill Andrew Luck has, strong arm, great footwork, phenom QB mechanics, a great head, and disgusting athleticism. Andrew Luck, because he went to Stanford, is placed on this Caucasian pedestal because he reminds them of someone that once played at Stanford and turned out to be a pretty good QB. He's no Elway. The combine commentators were all comparing Luck's athleticism to Cam Newton. One word, PUHHHHHLEASE. Luck is a great QB. He's a very intelligent player. He, too, has great footwork...oh, and he's white and played at Stanford. Time will tell the true story, I suppose. I think both QB's will be good. One will be great and I think that's Griffin. He's a once in 20 years athlete. I can't wait to watch him light up the NFC.

Oh and if you see the image above running toward you like this, you're more than likely an actor in a predator sequel and you're about to die.

Lindsay Lohan is stunning....and hosting SNL tonight.

Jimmy fallon is damn funny, not to mention extremely talented. Anyway, he had Lindsay Lohan on this week to promote her hosting SNL. Personally, I can't wait because the rumor has it that she will be doing parodies of herself all night. My prediction is she'll remind us why everyone loved her like 20,000 kilos and a new set of veneers ago.

P.S. Im pretty sure Jimmy Fallon does Neil Young better than Neil Young.

Poor Jen...

Jennifer Aniston's new movie, Wanderlust, opened this weekend to a typical Aniston performance...dead last. She's such an idiot. She's like 40 something and the only thing she has going for her is a smoking body. Her face has seen more knives than Nicole Brown Simpson, so I refuse to give her credit for that. She was rumored to have a nude scene in the movie, but because she's an A-List star, who the hell knows why, she gets final cut and decided to scrap the scene before its release. It wouldn't have done much to help since the movie earned less than a sequel starring Nic Cage. How bad does a movie have to be to lose to Nic Cage. I could make a movie on my iPhone that could outperform Nic Cage. Regardless, to add insult to painful injury, Angelina showed up to the Oscars and looked like this:



If you're a woman and you're reading this, you just called Jolie a slut. If you're a guy, you probably just masturbated.

Precious 2.0

Melissa McCarthy, the funny chick from Bridesmaids, showed up to the Oscars last night in this Broadway stage curtain. Let me guess, she's comfortable in her skin and she owned it. Wrong. Let me stop you there. The only thing getting OWNED is her knees and ankles and her arteries from the elevated cholesterol. I watched the Oscars last night, which holy crap, I wish I had that three hours back. The only thing more painful than Billy Crystals pun-filled so-called comedy, was Brad Pitt saying "screw it" and rocking the Rachel Green hair cut. I digress. Everyone made such a HUGE (pardon the pun) deal about Melissa McCarthy and how beautiful she looked. Bullshit. The same people that gushed about how gorgeous she looked, would be chasing Oxy with Drano if they looked like that. I don't care if she eats her way to Mars, but what annoys me is Hollywood in one breath, being the most superficial town in the world, while in the other, telling fatties like Melissa she's stunningly beautiful. It's cruel. The joke's on her. She's no different than Jonah Hill 80lbs ago, or Chris Farley. She's the fat funny girl. Hollywood sucks my nuts.

missed you...

It's been a while since we've spoken. If you cared, which you don't, but if you did, you would remember that sometime last year, I promised that I would do a better job of entertaining you with my offensive and perspicacious rhetoric; alas, I failed. Regardless, I am pulling myself out of retirement because I miss vomiting my cynicism and demanding that my opinions be substantiated. That's where you come in...see you soon.

If you're wondering what's wrong with the Republican Party, watch this video.

Im not even sure where to start with this train wreck of a human being. First of all, lose the Brokeback Mountain/Heath Ledger costume while you're denigrating the gay community...it's in very poor taste and disrespectful to a phenomenal actor. Second, while you're trying to find your place in the race for the Presidency, you should try identifying with the people that have the ability to elect you in between looking for just one articulate thought. Holy smokes this guy is an imbecile. I've been sitting here for a few minutes trying my best to think of the audience he's trying to target and besides the ultra right wing Christians, I'm at a loss. I feel like I'm a relatively dynamic person, with a large variety of friends, yet I don't know one person that thinks like this nimrod. If you cast your vote for this guy, please do me a favor and never, ever, for the rest of your miserable life, speak or communicate with me.

Talk about more than you bargained for...

Arbroath – A man in Bulawayo’s Nkulumane 5 suburb got the shock of his life after a commercial sex worker he allegedly called to his hotel room turned out to be his daughter. Mr Titus Ncube is said to have collapsed while the 20-year-old daughter bolted after seeing her father. Mr Ncube last week pleaded with reporters not to publish the story. “I am sorry for what I did. I spoke to my wife and my daughter. I apologised for my actions because I just wanted my family back,” he said. The father of three revealed he forgave his daughter for being a commercial sex worker and hired a therapist to counsel her. “I don’t blame my daughter for what happened and what she was doing. I feel it was her way of expressing her feelings about the problems in my family,” he said. “She has stopped that and is going back to school next year. My marital problems are not over, but we have a marriage counsellor who is helping us to get over this most difficult period in our marriage.” His wife, Rosemary, said: “If it were not for my children, I could have divorced him a long time ago. But because I know the trauma that divorce has on children, I made a decision to stay.”

Yeah sure, Rosemary, stay together for the kids because everything has gone great so far. Your daughter is a whore. Your husband is a JOHN. Your husband is your daughter's JOHN. What are the odds really? One of the greatest stories of all time. If you call the escort service and ask for the "bottom bitch on the track that night" (for you rookies that's whore-talk for bottom bitch=number #1 earning whore and the track is the areas all your whores work), and when she comes to the door, after paying top dollars, it's your daughter, I'm not sure what would keep you from turning and running and diving through the hotel window. As a man, nothing could even come close.

Welcome to Atlanta, where the playaz play...

On a scale of 1-10, Ray Edwards scored a 113.9 with this one. Atlanta Falcon defensive end, Ray Edwards, must have had one hell of a night with a stripper named...wait for it...LaStarya Thompson. Yes, I said LaSTARya. I mean why not LaDestinyya, or LaHopeya. The name is bad, deciding to get painted with a stripper is worse, but commissioning a 5X4ft painting can't just be done in minutes. He more than likely sobered up and was still like, "Hell yea...I want that painting above my couch. Come over and paint me and LaStarya wit my hand on her ass...and don't forget to give her a strong jawline and a face like a dude."

Come on, Big play RAY! You simply have to do better bro.

. Just adorable! So he comissioned an artist to make a five-feet wide and four-feet tall oil painting of him grabbing her ass on what looks to be a strip club sofa. What a lovely piece to hang over the mantle this holiday season.

The ambiguity of FAMILY seems crystal clear to me...why not you?

I know there will be many of you that read these words with austere eyes. There will be many that vehemently disagree with my position on this issue, and that's ok too. There was a lot of opposition in 1865, but can you imagine having this glorious country where ALL men (AND WOMEN) are created equal, any other way? There was opposition in the years that led up to the Civil Rights Act of 1964. It's 2011 and there are people in this country that are denied their God-given rights because of, in my personal belief, the way they were born. I think the speech from this young man is compelling and inspiring. This is a Gov't issue. This is more specifically a State's issue, not the Church's; because last I checked, none of us had any influence on His decisions. This seems like the most logical, most sensible conclusion, but hey, what do I know?

Meth head kidnapper sues victims...yep, you read that right.

A man who held a Kansas couple hostage in their home while fleeing from authorities is suing them, claiming that they broke an oral contract made when he promised them money in exchange for hiding him from police. The couple has asked a judge to dismiss the suit.

Jesse Dimmick of suburban Denver is serving an 11-year sentence after bursting into Jared and Lindsay Rowley's Topeka-area home in September 2009. He was wanted for questioning in the beating death of a Colorado man and a chase had begun.

This was his plea to the judge:

"I, the defendant, asked the Rowleys to hide me because I feared for my life. I offered the Rowleys an unspecified amount of money which they agreed upon, therefore forging a legally binding oral contract," Dimmick said in his hand-written court documents. He wants $235,000, in part to pay for the hospital bills that resulted from him being shot by police when they arrested him.

Neighbors have said that the couple fed Dimmick snacks and watched movies with him until he fell asleep and they were able to escape their home unharmed.

If this meth head had only done this in California, those out-of-touch liberals would've probably awarded him the money. I would love to be the judge while this guy said this to me with a straight face. I would be like, "Mr. Dimmick. First, are you serious?" Then I would look around with a half smile while I repeatedly asked the courtroom, Am I being Punk'd? No seriously...am I being Punk'd? Ashton? Ashton?" Then I would say, "You know what Mr Dimmick, here's what I'll do instead of awarded you 240,000 for breaking into a family's home and holding them hostage with a weapon. I'm gonna send you to jail. You see kidnapping, murder, breaking and entering are very serious crimes in the state of Colarado. Instead, I'm gonna let you work for this state for...whaddya say...20 years for free. How does that sound Mr Dimmick. Oh yeah, while you're in jail, no METH and you have to cut your hair. Yeah, that seems fair.

The attorney that fills out the paperwork for this case should be open hand slapped then disbarred. This country is so stupid it hurts.