Holy Fun Bag.

I'm not the wisest of 35 year olds on Earth, but one thing I can say without equivocation is I never knew a woman's uterus could be located in her breast.  Kim Kashjhfjdhkian appears to be carrying the spawn of Satan in hers.  I've never seen a more elaborate human transformation.  It's like she's carrying a werewolf.  Are her implants pregnant or is she?  I seriously have stared at this photo for ten minutes and I can't make out anything.  Is she standing on her head?  Help!

Even though I don't get this pudgy supermodel, this would be flippin' awesome.

Kate Upton @KateUpton 

“@jakedavidson23: youtube.com/watch?v=NvxqUE…” you can call me Katie if you want! How could I turn down that video! I'll check my schedule ;)

about 4 hours ago 

Other than his own, this poor high school senior probably hasn't been close to anything that resembles a reproductive organ in his life.  Which is probably the main reason she is considering this PR once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.  You can't pay for press this promising with millions.  "Wait, are you telling me the SI Swim Suit cover model is going on a date with an average high school kid?  Awww, how sweet is that?"

Well allow me to retort.  It's not sweet.  It's cruel/It's gonna be three hours of awkward silences while all the jocks in school try to take out the little Jewish kid that brought Kate Upton to prom.  It's gonna be a disaster.  Then, when she's tired of the shenanigans and she thinks she's milked the situation for all the positive press it can muster, she's gonna leave, but not before giving him some lame kiss on the cheek in front of the whole school.  So, then he's left dateless and an even BIGGER problem in his pants, despite the "Something About Mary" preparation.  Stories like this kind of piss me off because they're simply not done for the right reasons.  What are the right reasons you ask?  Premarital sex and a date that can pay for everything.

So Long Brendon

 Today, February 26, 2013 is a sad day for my internet pleasure. For about 8 years there has been one website that I have been more loyal to than any other ever and have visited at least twice daily. WWTDD.COM was a site created by a guy that left thesuperficial.com to start this site. It's by a mile the funniest thing you've ever read. Honestly, he and WWTDD are the reason I started this stupid waste of time that no one reads. After some disagreements, he and management didn't agree on him being employed anymore. So, in the wake of a separation, WWTDD has lost the only reason anyone ever read that website in the first place. But, like most management teams, their over-inflated sense of self worth and contribution won't allow them to see the reality of the situation. Anyway, go here and read some of his stuff. He's a satirical genius. www.wwtdd.com

Sarah Jessica Parker is a natural beauty

Sarah Jessica Parker is the biggest enigma to come out of Hollywood in my lifetime.  She's a wretched actress.  Her character on Sex and the City was so abhorrent and repulsive, it was impossible to watch.  That show is the only proof I need that women are out of touch.  She looks like a female centaur and her voice makes me want to OD on jenkem.  Even though I loathe her existence, I still feel a little sorry for her because her husband is so gay, it's like Bruno and Liberace had a child and out came Matthew Broderick.  I'll never understand why couples in Hollywood pretend to be not gay.  It's like the most accepting place in the world, unless you're a Republican or a Christian.  If presented with the option of having sex with this or putting my penis in a food ninja, well, I think you know.  It's a physical impossibility to be attracted to this wildebeest.

In the latest issue of some country's Harper's Bazaar, the editors were obviously trying to make her look human on the cover, so they airbrushed her so much that they turned her into a Lucifer/Mr Ed love child.  If I cut out just this picture and blew it up on a poster and walked down Peachtree Street in Atlanta, I bet 500.00 not one person could pull Sarah Jessica parker.

If you have ever purchased a season of Sex in the City on DVD, please do the world a favor and go play in traffic.  In fact, out of all the sperm your father donated to your mother, you're the one that won?   That seems like a genetic impossibility.  

Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue jumped the shark

This post is gonna cause an uproar among dumb guys because so many people make such a big deal out of this chick. Frankly, I don't get it. Nothing is big about this chick except her bra size. She shaped like a rhombus, she has no hips, a butter face and it wouldn't kill her to do a sit up or two. I see at least one girl a day that's this hot. No shit. I'm not the only one, by the way.

Sophia Neophitou, a talent scout for Victoria's Secret, told the New York Times that “we would never use” Upton because her look is “too obvious” to be featured in the high profile production. “She’s like a Page 3 girl,” Neophitou said, referencing the busty, barely clad women featured in The Sun, a London tabloid. “She’s like a footballer’s wife, with the too-blond hair and that kind of face that anyone with enough money can go out and buy.”

By too obvious, they mean her breasts that look like something I saw on National Geographic last night. By too blond of hair and face anyone with money could buy, they mean she has Florida hair and she's not attractive. Why would they say this? Well, because every single day they're surrounded by beauty and Kate Upton ain't it. Kate Upton is someone I grinded on at Club La Vela after I funneled beers on the beach in 1997. This chick is 19 and her job is to be in shape. She is soft like a yeast roll. This is where all the girls say, "She looks like a woman. Those girls in the magazines...that's not a woman. They're too skinny. She's currrrvy." Well, that's not what your husbands think. That's also not what your clothes think. Kate Upton is your classic pop culture phenomenon. She's like the modern day wanna be Christie Brinkley, but she's really more like Molly Ringwald in Pretty in Pink. Girls love her and guys are like, Is she pretty or is everyone just telling me she's pretty?" I am so damn confused by why she's famous. Sports Illustrated, please do better next year. VICTORIA'S SECRET 1 SPORTS ILLUSTRATED SWIMSUIT ISSUE 0

Oscar didn't think this through...

Oscar Pistorius held his head in his hands and wept openly in court Friday as prosecutors said they would pursue a charge of premeditated murder against the Paralympic superstar.

Pistorius was formally charged at Pretoria Magistrate's Court with one count of murder after his girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp, a model and budding reality TV show contestant. The 30-year-old was shot multiple times and died at Pistorius' upmarket home early Thursday morning.

Prosecutor Gerrie Nel said Friday in court it was premeditated murder, indicating the prosecution would file that more serious charge, upgraded from murder.

The double-amputee athlete's arrest and murder charge had already left South Africa stunned after Steenkamp's death on Valentine's Day at Pistorius' house in a gated community in an eastern suburb of South Africa's capital, Pretoria.

Following the hearing, Pistorius' family and his London management company issued a statement calling into question the criminal charge the 26-year-old athlete faces.

"The alleged murder is disputed in the strongest terms," the statement read. The statement did not elaborate.

The statement also said Pistorius wanted to "send his deepest sympathies to the family of Reeva."

"He would also like to express his thanks through us today for all the messages of support he has received -- but as stated our thoughts and prayers today should be for Reeva and her family -- regardless of the circumstances of this terrible, terrible tragedy," the statement read.

Those who knew Pistorius, including a former girlfriend, also weighed in on social media.

Trish Taylor, mother of Pistorius' ex-girlfriend Samantha Taylor, wrote on Facebook: "I'm so glad Sammy is safe and out of the clutches of that man."

Well Oscar...I gotta be honest.  You're fuc*ed.  If that ex-girlfriend's mom doesn't shut her mouth, you're gonna be facing two counts of premeditated murder.  "The clutches of THAT MAN..."  that's some cold, ruthless shit to say.  You know this guy doesn't stand a chance.  The only thing working in his favor is that it's South Africa and if you have 3 dollars and a Snickers bar, you can pretty much get out of anything.  Integrity and Justice don't go hand in hand there, unless you're one of those guys that attempts rape, but gets to experience this.  That's justice.  Anyway, Oscar is gonna be spending a lot of time in the clink.  Too bad that little shit didn't lose his hands instead of his legs because unless you're one of those circus freaks, it's hard to pull a trigger with your toes.  And to think that this guy was beloved by so many people just a few short months ago.  How do you murder anyone, but her especially.  I would love to take off those soda can legs of his and beat his ass with them.  What a dick.   

Someone else thinks Florida is a joke...imagine that.

This son-of-a-bitch stole my schtick. I've been making fun of Florida for 10 years. Why? Because I lived there and Florida sucks. If you're a pedophile, a murderer, a meth cooker, drug addict, racially confused and envious white boy driving an import straight out of Fast and Furious, a Budweiser tank-top/Mr. T gold chain wearing redneck, or a drug smuggler/dealer/cartel, then Florida is perfect for you. Otherwise, it's just a miserably humid place that gets rain every day around 5pm has no income tax and a lot of tragic people and events. Well this guy, he took my idea of poking fun at the evolutionary bronze medal winners, Floridians, and came up with this awesome Twitter handle and tweets out all of the ridiculous stories in and around that Godforsaken state. Never say never, but I'd rather cook meth out of a station wagon that I live in than move back to that hell hole.  Enjoy this guy...it's funny as hell.

Gronk is a beast.

 Being 6'6" 265lbs and athletic is ridiculous. God just never gives size strength and athleticism. It's so rare that if you're that size, there's almost nothing else you can do with your life except for be a certified bad ass in the NFL. If I were that size, I would be a total mess. There's a few type of people to which life never says the word no: Athletes, entertainers, and beautiful women. Gronk lives life exactly as I would. The life span of an athlete is short anyway, but an NFL player, even shorter. He's living life to the fullest, yet people give him shit for partying. He's 24. Good Lord. What do these people expect? He's not shooting himself in the leg, he's not skipping practices, and he just continues to put up sick numbers. Isn't he doing what you're paying him to do? After the criticism for being boozed up and shirtless and having girls hanging off his biceps, he goes to Universal Studios with a shirt that says, "Sorry for partying." Gronk...well played sir. Well played.

Man gets hammered...uses taco as ID. (One guess where he's from)

Matthew Falkner found out the hard way after he passed out drunk in the drive-thru of a Jensen Beach Taco Bell and his car caught fire. The incident occurred in the early morning of October 1 in Jensen Beach, according to the blog Off the Beat. Falkner, 30, had apparently decided to make a run for a fourth meal after downing some beers, and he somehow made it all the way to the fast-food joint in his Chevy pickup, placed his order, and received his taco before falling asleep.

 A deputy awoke Falkner and then asked for his ID. Falkner said no before reaching into his bag and presenting the officer with a taco. Another deputy clarified they were asking for an ID, not a taco. Falkner chuckled and began eating the taco.

 Then deputies noticed Falkner had fallen asleep with his foot on the accelerator while his truck was in park. The engine had caught fire, and fire extinguishers were used to put it out. Falkner's blood alcohol content was between .227 and .225, according to a breath test. That's three times the legal limit. He was hauled off to jail on DUI charges. No word on the fate of the taco.

 This guy is a bad ass...except for he's a danger to himself and everyone else in the world. No shock this dip shit is from Florida. Where else are you so sad with your current life direction that you'd get liquored up to a .225 and decide to drive to Taco Bell. When a cop asks you for your ID and you hand them a taco, you have "I don't give a f" or "Life doesn't matter to me anymore" tattooed all over you. I think Taco Bell is a restaurant chain owned by Satan, like Al Pacino in The Devil's Advocate. I think he's got his hands in all the blasphemous and sordid activities that transpire at that restaurant. Think about it. When is the last thing that ever happened that was inspiring or uplifting at a Taco Bell. It's always tragic stories. I know two people that have gotten DUI's either in the drive thru or leaving the drive thru of a Taco Bell. My father used to say, "Nothing good happens after midnight." Well, dad, I'm starting to agree, especially if you're in the line at Taco Bell.

Chris Brown's class surprises no one...ever.

Rihanna and Chris Brown were so close together at the Grammy's they looked like marsupials. They were overheard saying, "Ike and Tina aren't the only show in town." I almost feel sorry for these two. Thank God they are famous because you couldn't combine their IQ's get to a fully functional human being's average level. I tried to follow Rihanna on Twitter for like two days and it was trying to read words thrown into a bowl and pulled out at random. It's very possible she's mentally retarded. But she is hot. As for that clown, his career is dropping faster than Lindsey Lohan's breasts and eyelids. Then, in the least surprising thing of the night, Chris Brown refuses to stand up when he didn't win the Grammy against Frank Ocean (Whoever the eff that is). The Grammy's have officially become a three hour reminder of my age and my lack of pop music knowledge. Because I'm a pop culture loser, I know infinitely more than most so I can't imagine how out-of-touch normal people are. I digress. The point is, Rihanna is a few clock ticks away from having her eyes swollen shut again.

North Korea be Crazy

North Korea rarely lets its people have electricity because in that God forsaken country the delusional leaders are using it all to create propaganda videos to further brainwash its people. When I was in 5th grade, I was part of an anti-drug movie that we, the students wrote the script for and used a video camera about the size of a Mini Cooper to film. It was horrible, but funny. It was like 1988 so one couldn't expect much. The point is, is that movie was of higher quality than this piece of shit. This rendition of Jackson's "We Are the World" is so funny to me. What instrument is that....harpsichord? I could kick cans down the street and give you something that sounds more like We are the world. Anyway, these clowns are nuts. Sooner or later, either them or Iran will pay enough to get something significant enough to wake people up. I hope I never see that day.

North Korea at Night.

In Miami, eff you gets you thirty days in the clink.

View more videos at: http://nbcmiami.com.

Penelope Soto, 18, was arrested for possession of Xanax and was brought before Miami-Dade Circuit Judge Jorge Rodriguez-Chomat Monday, where she was asked about her assets. Soto, who was sporting orange jail clothes and smiled and stroked her hair through the proceeding, laughed when she was asked how much her jewelry was worth.

"It's not a joke, you know, we're not in a club now," Rodriguez-Chomat told her. "We are not in a club, be serious about it."

"I'm serious about it, you just made me laugh," Soto replied. "You just made me laugh, I apologize. It's worth a lot of money."

"Like what?" the judge asked.

"Like Rick Ross. It's worth money," she said.

The judge, not understanding the odd reference to the South Florida rapper, asked Soto if she's taken any drugs in the past 24 hours.

"Actually, no," she replied.

Rodriguez-Chomat set her bond at $5,000 and said "bye,bye," and Soto laughed and replied "Adios." 

Annoyed, Rodriguez-Chomat summoned her back and reset her bond at $10,000, shocking Soto.

"Are you serious," she asked.

"I am serious. Adios," he replied.

Soto started to walk away when she flipped Rodriguez-Chomat her middle finger and blurted "[expletive] you."


 My grandfather always joked, "If you want justice, go to a whorehouse. If you wanna get screwed go to the courthouse." Now of course, he said that flippantly, much like he said most things. I don't disagree with him too much though. My problem isn't with the judges ruling; after all, she was guilty. Criminals break the law and they should be punished. The problem I have is that criminal behavior is glorified through video games, movies, TV, magazines, music, celebrity, etc. I walk such a fine line here considering my staunch Libertarianism. Personal responsibility is first and foremost. Without that, there is no order. It's just that everyone isn't as smart as me. When morons watch Lindsey Lohan spend most of her 20's in court and nothing happens, it tricks them into believing this nonsense goes unpunished. It doesn't. If people weren't such pansies about punishing criminals none of this would even matter. We should send them to strenuous and tortuous work camps. Get something out of these degenerates. We should put them on huge farms in Kansas and make them produce their own food. Teach them to repair tractors, crop management, anything to give the ones who want reform a chance. If you don't wanna play by the rules, we'll give you a different game to play. This one involves immense heat, a sledgehammer and taking huge rocks and turning them into much smaller ones all day every day. Did I mention immense heat. It simply costs the law abiding producers in this country too damn much money to continue providing them with luxuries that many families in poverty don't even have. It's sickening. I have no remorse for multiple offenders. And not only do I have no remorse for criminals that break into homes of gun owners, but I get giddy when I hear stories like that. Insensitive, maybe to you and your guilt, but not me. Break in my home, you will die or walk out with a severe limp, but only because I emptied the clip trying to give you a dirt nap. I bet Ms Soto thinks twice before telling a judge to F himself.

Destiny's Grandchild

For anyone that has followed this blog for years (thanks mom), you would know my level of disdain for Beyonce Thunder Thighs Knowles.  Last night, while she was fornicating with the stage, I literally stared at the television amidst a major dichotomy.  Did I (a) want her 40,000 dollar weave to catch on fire like that Great White concert or (b) chug the Drano that I was holding in my left hand.  Was I really watching a pop group that had like three hits?  I mean, at this point why bother having a singer at all?  If all they're gonna do is lip-synch and fornicate, just put out strippers to dance around the pyrotechnics.  Destiny's Child...seriously?  Was that like Beyonce's Olive Branch to those poor other members?  Is that what our music options have come to?  How many hits do they have like 4?  The Halftime Superbowl Show is the most overrated event in the world.  Every person over the age of 50 was scratching his/her head last night in disbelief.  They were like, Beyonwho?  Here's my fair warning -- If you speak of how sexy Beyonce is around me, Im going to punch you in the face with significant force.  If sex with with a gargoyle or Beyonce Knowles was presented, I'm not sure I could choose between the two.

Oh, by the way....don't tell me how great she looks post baby when she didn't have a damn baby in the first place.  If you hire a surrogate, just come clean.  Be honest.  Everything else on your body is fake, might as well admit your pregnancy was too.

Posthumously Stiff

A nurse was arrested for committing a sex act with a corpse at a hospital, police said Tuesday. Alejandro Lazo, 61, was arrested at Sherman Oaks Hospital on Sunday for investigation of a state Health and Safety Code violation, a felony. Lazo, who lives in suburban Reseda, was released after posting $20,000 bail, and he must appear in court on Feb. 11.

 There is no attorney of record and no telephone listing for Lazo. Someone at the San Fernando Valley hospital reported seeing Lazo engaged in a sex act with the body, Officer Bruce Borihanh said. Investigators haven't disclosed whether the body was that of a man or a woman, Borihanh said. 

Anyone who commits an act of sexual penetration on, or has sexual contact with, human remains without lawful authority is guilty of a felony, according to the California Health and Safety Code. 

"Sexual contact means any willful touching by a person of an intimate part of a dead human body for the purpose of sexual arousal, gratification, or abuse," the code states.


 So let me get this straight...you can have sex with a corpse, but only if you have lawful authority? I don't even know what that means, but surely it doesn't excuse sex with dead people. I'm not trying to be insensitive to this story, but honestly, if I kick the bucket and some sex starved 61 year old nurse needs to get a thrill, I'll be the first to selflessly surrender my life to science. Let's face it, I'm not gonna be using it anymore.

 *Disclaimer* I couldn't find a picture of an appropriate dead person so I thought Lindsey Lohan would be the closest thing.

El DeBarge

For your Friday night enjoyment I've arranged a little viewing pleasure. This is El Debarge. If you don't remember them, well, screw you.

Emily Ratajkowski you are an angel of seduction.

I have been wanting to post these pictures all day, but when I look at them, I black out and wake up amidst full body cramping and in a pool of my own sweat and drool. This is precisely why dudes marry supermodels and after about three years, they're sick of them. This chick pictured above is a NOBODY. I mean, for all intents and purposes, she's an actress. Especially, if by actress you mean a music video or two, a carl jr commercial, and a couple of episodes of some BS show on Nickelodeon, iCarly. So, again, she's a nobody....to most. She's pretty much everything to me. She's Polish(check) so I bet her accent is heavy(check) and her English isn't good(check). All of that is what I'm concerned with, but someone anonymous just walked by computer and said something about how good her body was...I guess...if perfect legs, a great ass, real boobs that look fake and a perfect face interests you. Me...you ask? Does it interest me? I'm not that shallow.

ha ha ha dummy. Schadenfreude.

Tuesday, my arch nemesis, lip synched the National Anthem.  Generally, I would say, "no big deal," but this is the freaking Presidential Inauguration.  Also, the other small insignificant point is, Beyonce is a singer and an alleged good one.  Kelly Clarkson is from American Idol and she crushed My Country Tis of Thee better than I did every morning in Kindergarten.  Besides Beyonce's appalling self-absorption and disconnection with anything normal, rational, or humble, her stupid vocal gymnastics assisted by computer tracks and clever producing, her entire contrived existence, fake hair, hideous fire-starting cheese-covered thunder thighs, and last but certainly not least, horrible Direct TV commercials, I feel like she also thinks I'm stupid.  Well, I'm not.  Fine Beyonce, lip synch the song if you're too scared to do what the winner of a Reality TV talent show did, but don't sing the first verse and pull out your ear piece like you're struggling to find the key because, well, you're not freakin' singing.  When stars get embarrassed because of their own arrogance and stupidity it makes me feel as if there's some sense of fairness in the world.  It's not enough she makes 70 million a year, but she marries a billionaire.  All BS aside, I would rather have sex with a razor blade radiated light socket than Beyonce Knowles.  The fact that she and Chris Brown are famous is how I know with absolute certainty that Satan is real.

All bourbons are whiskeys, but not all whiskeys are bourbons.

When it comes to poisoning my liver and giving my body what it "needs" and "demands", nothing massages me into a night of lies and foggy memories like a good quality bottle of bourbon.  I don't have a lot of preference, especially if the bottle has a cork (my own indicator of acceptability minus Bulleit...damn you for the screw off top).  In my order of most favorite to acceptable, my preferences are as follows:

Colonel E.H. Taylor

If you think bourbon sucks because you've never drunk it without making the "I'm gonna vomit face", this bourbon is for you.  Granted, it's pricey, but it's far and away the greatest I've ever tasted.  The rest are below...not that you care.

Blanton's

Woodford Reserve

Knob Creek

Rowan's Creek

Bulleit

Maker's 46

Booker's

Basil Hayden's

Maker's Mark

Eagle's reserve

Buffalo Trace

Jim Beam

As a respectable bourbon drinker, I'm somewhat embarrassed to admit, but I recently tried Crown Royal Maple and I have to say, it's fantastic.  If you're diabetic and you want a less sugary substitute for Aunt Jemima's Syrup, make some pancakes and this pour God-inspired nectar over them.  It'll taste like a mixture of an orgasm and cotton candy with those sprinkles from ice cream buffets on top.  That analogy sounded tastier in my head than it does next to my blinking cursor.  Nonetheless, get this...you won't regret it.  

Jennifer Lawrence is most desirable woman of 2012?

Jennifer Lawrence, of Hunger Games and Silver Lining Playbook, was recently voted Most Desirable Woman of 2012, according to vanity Fair.  I mean don't get me wrong, she's pretty...I guess, but that title is more than just a stretch.  I had hotter girls in my high school than this and trust me, I thought that was impossible.  One thing she is, however, is cool as shit.  Also, she's ridiculously talented as an actress and already hands down the most grounded actor in all of Hollyweird.  In her article from vanity Fair, the Playbook actress talks about acting:

"Not to sound rude, but [acting] is stupid.  Everybody's like, " how can you remain with a level head?' And Im like, 'Why would I ever get cocky? I'm not saving anybody's life.  There are doctors who save lives and fireman who run into burning buildings. I'm making movies. It's stupid.'"


When I read this excerpt, I wanted to join her fan club and start wearing IHEARTJL buttons to work.  Never before has an actor actually been humble and not gotten caught up in the awesomeness of him/herself.  Actors' narcissism is immeasurable.  So is their stupidity, for that matter. All day everyday they're told how amazing they are, how smart they are, how inspiring they are, and eventually, no matter what or where they came from, they begin to believe the bullshit.  In reality, they're just children.  Actually, they're like other people's children.  They've all been conditioned like cage animals to expect constant attention and care, and when they don't get it, they can't cope (see Britney, Lindsey, Marilyn Monroe, Downey Jr, Madonna, Sean Penn, Christian Bale, etc etc etc).  I've always known stars are assholes which is the reason that I'm in love with this chick.  In a cruel world where Chris Brown is still rich and selling the dogshit out of albums, please do your part in 2013 to punch unfairness in the face and support Jennifer Lawrence.

Rise Up Atlanta, with a knife in your neck.

This is exactly why I don't "Rise Up", whatever the hell that means.  It appears when you "Rise Up" you get stabbed.  In the throat.  Ask the family of the guy that tried to Rise Up on Ray Lewis when he was in Atl.  Anyway, Atlanta refuses to look like a sophisticated city.  Instead, however, we like to rap about murder, commit murder, glamorize illiterate and idiotic millionaire flat-broke Housewives, and traffic human beings in and out of the sex trade.  This city has become the punchline for Sat Night Live fodder and rap moguls that make tons of money but can't manage to stay out of jail or keep from killing people.  It's embarrassing.  I would say you won't catch me dead at the Falcons game "Rising Up" but you actually could catch me dead there.  In fact, the chances are at least 1:1.