Holy Fun Bag.

I'm not the wisest of 35 year olds on Earth, but one thing I can say without equivocation is I never knew a woman's uterus could be located in her breast.  Kim Kashjhfjdhkian appears to be carrying the spawn of Satan in hers.  I've never seen a more elaborate human transformation.  It's like she's carrying a werewolf.  Are her implants pregnant or is she?  I seriously have stared at this photo for ten minutes and I can't make out anything.  Is she standing on her head?  Help!

Even though I don't get this pudgy supermodel, this would be flippin' awesome.

Kate Upton @KateUpton 

“@jakedavidson23: youtube.com/watch?v=NvxqUE…” you can call me Katie if you want! How could I turn down that video! I'll check my schedule ;)

about 4 hours ago 

Other than his own, this poor high school senior probably hasn't been close to anything that resembles a reproductive organ in his life.  Which is probably the main reason she is considering this PR once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.  You can't pay for press this promising with millions.  "Wait, are you telling me the SI Swim Suit cover model is going on a date with an average high school kid?  Awww, how sweet is that?"

Well allow me to retort.  It's not sweet.  It's cruel/It's gonna be three hours of awkward silences while all the jocks in school try to take out the little Jewish kid that brought Kate Upton to prom.  It's gonna be a disaster.  Then, when she's tired of the shenanigans and she thinks she's milked the situation for all the positive press it can muster, she's gonna leave, but not before giving him some lame kiss on the cheek in front of the whole school.  So, then he's left dateless and an even BIGGER problem in his pants, despite the "Something About Mary" preparation.  Stories like this kind of piss me off because they're simply not done for the right reasons.  What are the right reasons you ask?  Premarital sex and a date that can pay for everything.