Holy Hell. Cover your eyes!

For those of you with no clue what good music is, or those born after 1990, then you know this wildebeest looking creature is Ke$ha. For those that don't, don't bother. If you weren't lucky enough to ruin your eardrums when she attempted to perform on SNL last year, then thank your lucky stars because it made Ashlee Simpson's disaster seem like it went off without a hitch. If you were, you know she sounds almost as wretched as she looks. I've actually never seen a body like this. It's almost as if someone built her but ran out of body parts so they just started sticking random pieces together and sent her along the assembly line after stamping her "complete". Well, she's anything but complete. That is, unless being complete requires a linebacker torso and pencil legs. The fact that this monster releases one hit song after another makes me want to impale myself. I'd rather be handcuffed to a cactus naked while being forced to watch gay midget porn for two months than be subjected to one of Seabiscuit's concerts.

In the words of Harry S Truman, "If you can’t convince ‘em, confuse ‘em."

Ashlee, I'm not sure what your goal was wearing this dress to the InStyle party, but I'm pretty sure if it had anything to do with casting a spell on me, mission accomplished. I've had this picture since Thursday and every night I open and stare at it for 10 minutes contemplating a witty commentary that convinces me that I'm going to snap out of the trance that leaves me desperate to have sex with her. I know I should be embarrassed, but I can't help it. I'm a victim of her witchcraft, which I can say closely resembles the fast twitching seizures from True Blood. Being that I'm completely bound by spells of the darkside, I can only say her red (ish) hair and smoking sticks make me dizzy with a testosterone and black magic fueled euphoria that can only be quinched with an exorcism or a bottle of Cristal and night in the Sky Villas at the Palms Hotel.