In 2007, Elisha Cuthbert played a porn star in Girl Next Door, where she moves in next door to a dorky high school kid and falls in love with him. Most importantly, in 2007 she looked like this: and like this:
As you can tell from the picture below, Elisha must have moved because the girl living next door now is fat. I just don't get girls in Hollywood. Basically, the only thing they have to do is exercise, eat right and continue to look good and they guarantee themselves tons of money. That must be harder than kicking black-tar heroin because it seems every female celebrity becomes a sea donkey at some point. Elisha, lay off the carbs.
I don't know much about anything in the grand scheme of things; however, one thing I do know is sports. That being said though, I can't think of a single sport, hobby or past time more useless and unnecessary than hockey. I know I grew up in the south. I get that you northerners have nothing else to do, but get liquored up and skate around while you chase a small black puck on a frozen lake while you freeze your nuts off. Meanwhile, we're down here with girls in bikinis playing beach volleyball. To me, and most people outside of Minnesota, Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont and New York, hockey is just an instrument to break arms and die falling through holes in semi-frozen lakes. Seriously, I couldn't tell you who's playing in the Stanley Cup. Is it over? Did it start? Does Gretzky still play? Did Lemieux survive lymphoma? Does that blue line really follow the puck or is that to make people who hate hockey and don't understand the game follow it easier. I mean how does this sport survive? If baseball is struggling due to falling attendance, I have to think this sport is on the brink of complete and total collapse. Good news for the NHL though. Elaine Lee is stoked out of her mind about the Canucks (Which I thought was a racial slur, but instead is actually the name of a team). I don't know which is worse, that Elaine is representative of the Canucks franchise, or if she is representative of Canada. Either way, and I'm trying my best to be nice, I have to deduce from this video that this is the fundamental reason I don't watch hockey. Despite Elaine's uncanny resemblance to the villian in Jennifer Aniston's first movie, I couldn't seen myself sharing a passion of the Canucks with her. Call me shallow. Call me superficial, but I simply have to draw the line somewhere. In fact, I would rather be forced to hike shoeless through the desert to watch the Saudi Arabian squash championships than watch one period of hockey on television.
Elaine, for the record, I am inspired by your passion. Go...Canucks?
