Even after all these years...

This is unreputable evidence that Heidi Klum is in love with me the rocket of all rockets. She pops out kids during lunch breaks and goes back to being the dorkiest hot chick you've ever fallen for. It's been so intense for so long, between the two of us, I can't even recall where or when this love affair began. I'm pretty sure the south of France was invloved, but the details are fuzzy. Regardless, Germany seems like such a small country to produce such a flawless example of the human genome. I look at that huge country, Brazil, on the map and I get it. There's like 4 billion people there or something. It's no wonder they can produce models at such an alarming rate, but Germany? There are more people on the interstates of Atlanta everyday than the whole country of Germany, yet this is what they offer the world. Well, all I can say is God bless you Germany. Thank you. Thank you so much.

Yes please...

I've been critical of Vicky's new Angels since the originals were demoted, but this, me oh my! Lily Aldridge is jumping out to a huge lead in these photos. Granted, this is only Wednesday during a rainy week, but this is by a mile the highlight. If Victoria's Secret reloads like this, I'm gonna go ahead and apologize my lack of confidence and criticism. Psst...Lily...(pinky and thumb making phone)...call me.

Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break - Shakespeare

One of the saddest days of my not-so-young life came today when Heidi Klum announced that she and Victoria's Secret were parting ways. For 13 years Heidi has been the catalyst for my immature, insensitive, demeaning and objectifying sense of humor regarding supermodels. Inspiration, I feel, only comes around like this once in a lifetime. Heidi has not only selflessly given to me and Mr Down South, but scores of innocent and thirsty others, hope and resilience. Moving forward, I simply cannot think of life with Victoria's Secret as my muse, inspiration, and emotional compass, without Heidi Klum. Being the "Head Angel" as she was, requires responsibility and fortitude at a level most young models cannot aspire. Many of you are probably staring at your screen in disbelief, wondering what's so special about this German girl from Bergisch Gladbach. Well, stop projecting you selfish bastards. Let's take a moment of silience.......






How dare you blaspheme. Where will this lonely and lost periodical go without the navigation of German beauty and perfection? I ask you, where will they find the next "Head Angel?" If you irresponsible blow hards tell me Gisele Bundchen, I hate you more than cancer. In fact, I've seen more feminine features at drag shows. Right now, as my cursor races across an empty tear soaked screen, Tom Brady is more effeminate than his supermodel girlfriend. So, don't you dare tell me about what drives the spark for the most influential mail order magazine in the history of man. I want to go on...I want to extend a helping hand to others hurting like I am hurting, but I simply cannot allow my ego to write checks my body cannot cash. It may be days, it may be weeks before my words find you again. Alas, I will end this entry with Shakespeare, just as I started it, "Farewell, fair cruelty.”

"Come with me if you want to live..."

As I said yesterday, I'm not ready to replace Heidi, but if I were, Candice Swanepoel would certainly be the front-runner. I don't know where Victoria shops, I guess that secret is kinda the point, but holy smokes. It's hard to believe these girls aren't a group of robotic Terminators sent here from the future by SKYNET to eliminate men too weak to say no. Candice, pick me pick me. Ew-me, ew-me. No? Alas, what a way to go.