Emmy Rossum is a Hollywood enigma...

Granted, I barely even know who Emmy Rossum is. All I know is that she played Christine in the horrible screen adaptation of Phantom of the Opera. She's made the blog before and trust me, she a rocket. I just can't figure out why girls like this aren't super famous. She's really sexy. She's obviously talented. So she struggles, while other girls like Megan Fox get role after role to decimate at the box office. Emmy Rossum can't really get much sexier. She's like a smoking hot version of Anne Hathaway, yet gets 1/3 of the roles. Maybe she's not sleeping with enough of the right people. Hey Emmy...I know the right people. Step into my office...

Not eating meat doesn't make you cooler, it just makes you anemic and pass out more

I'm not sure what it is about vegetarians that I hate. I think it's just their obnoxiousness, or maybe it's just their overall outlook on life. I just don't trust people that don't eat meat. Just like I don't trust people that can't swear effectively, or those that don't drink alcohol. I'm not sayin if you don't do those things you're a bad person, I just personally don't trust you. Vegetarians for me take the cake though. God, through a wonderful process of evolution over millions of years, gave us canine teeth used in every other species of the animal kingdom for tearing flesh and being carnivorous. Conversely, he gave large molars to cows for grinding vegetation. Nonetheless, the egotistical, self-righteous, save-the-world-one-cow-at-a-time liberal vegetarians, refuse to acknowledge this fact. Here's the other thing. Obesity. Just like the girl in this video, many of the vegetarians I know are fat. Sure, with tons of money, a great fresh market and a personal chef, you could fulfill your dietary needs on a vegan or vegetarian diet. It's their right, whatever. They just annoy the shit out of me. I hate being at dinner with a large group of people and that one dumb ass asks the server if there are any vegetarian options. Of course stupid. I have vegetables all over my plate. It makes me want to punch people like that. You're like the emo kid that says he wants to be an individual, yet he dresses just like all the other emo kids. People just annoy me. All people really, but especially vegetarians, goths and emos.

Tom Cruise's couch jumping days are over...Knight and Day will be a big hit.

Some people on this Earth just have "it". I hate to say it. It actually pains me to say it, but Tom Cruise is one of those guys. Wednesday night I went to see Knight and Day and granted, the movie isn't a Soderbergh or a Chrisotpher Nolan, but what it is is fun and damn entertaining. I didn't even want to like Tom Cruise, but I couldn't help it. He was engaging, surprisingly charismatic and very funny. If you're looking for something to walk away from inspired or intrigued, even sad or confused, trust me, this isn't it. In fact, save your money for Inception or The Adjustment Bureau if that's what you're looking for. But if you're looking for something mindless, something upbeat, something more summer-ish, Knight and Day will deliver on a platter to you 2 hours and 10 minutes of just plain fun. The only thing I could have done without is Cameron Diaz's stupid laugh, wrinkly face, and her oddly-shaped man torso. I don't like girls with that V angling down from their obliques like Cristiano Rinaldo. If I wanted my girl to look like a dude, I'd just date a dude, but I don't cause I'm not. Take for instance, Helen of Troy, you don't see dude abs. You just see an impeccably shaped specimen of sexuality and reproductive fitness. She's so sexy, I once knocked her up from another state. True Story.

Hung like a...

Byron Christopher Jordan was apparently caught in the act Tuesday morning by the owner of the horses, who called Covington police. Jordan was charged with bestiality, a felony in Georgia, and with giving an officer a false name.

Lt. Wendell Wagstaff told the Covington News that Jordan was wearing only dirty pajama bottoms with the fly open. He also reportedly had a strong odor, according to the report.

There are so many things wrong with this story, I can hardly contain myself. First of all, the Atlanta Journal Constitution writes that he was arrested for bestiality, to which they feel the need to add, "A Felony in Georgia." Of course it's a felony. Sex with animals is very weird. I don't think a misdemeanor would really send the message. The best part though, is when the officer reports that the suspect was wearing only "dirty" pajama bottoms with the fly open and "had a strong odor."

Of course the odor is strong. It's a horse. It's a horse that's being raped by a dude wearing dirty pajamas. This is why the AJC can't sell newspapers. They should start selling this paper as comedy, not journalism.

Megan Fox lights box office on fire...

Megan Fox couldn't sell kiddie porn to Michael Jackson. Everything she touches turns to FAIL. She's ignorant, arrogant, talentless, and ungrateful. I know you're probably growing tired of my rants about this chick, but I can't help myself. It's just that she's so easy to loathe. Jonah Hex finished the weekend in 8th place. 8TH. That's 8th behind, Toy Story 3, The Karate Kid, The A-Team, Get Him to the Greek, Shrek, Prince of Persia, and Killers. If you're Megan Fox and the movie you're supposed to carry finishes behind a movie starring an insufferable and unattractive Kathrine Heigl, and a dopey Ashton Kutcher that's been out for 3 weeks, you might wanna look to another career. Megan...stick to modeling. People, not me, but people, wanna see you...they just don't wanna see you act.

The Rape Axe name seems applicable...

South Africa plays host to this year's World Cup. Aside from that though, South African men enjoy being rapist. In fact, a study by Interpol, the international police agency, has revealed that South Africa leads the world in rapes. A woman is raped in South Africa every 17 seconds. Sadly, this did not include the number of child rape victims, which is quote high. Tragically, so little is known about safe sex and HIV, that some believe raping a virgin will cure AIDS. It was estimated that one in every two women will be raped. Between 28 and 30 percent of adolescents reported that their first sexual encounter was forced. As one can see, guys in South Africa are pieces of shit. The only person lower on this earth than rapist are child molesters, but it's a close second. To punish these low-lifes, a South African woman, Sonnet Ehlers, after witnessing first hand the horrific aftermath of an sexual assault, developed the Rape Axe. Good for Sonnet. You put your banana in this torture tube and you'll think twice about forced sex again. It would hurt like the dickens.

Isn't Emo trying not to be like somebody, being like somebody?

Emo and goth kids are effing dumbasses. Look we know you're so hard. Ohhh....so scary with that chain attached to your wallet holding your library card or your comic book membership. If your parents paid any attention to you, we all wouldn't be punished with Hot Topic. This dumbass kid in this video cracks me up.

"We're not a gang at all. Like, gangs are posers. They just want attention. The pack, we're a family. We go to each other for our problems."

It's truly hard to believe that people can be this stupid. Gangs are posers? They want attention? I guess hanging a werewolf tails from your jeans is just being real. I swear, if I saw these kids with tails hanging off their jeans, I would light them on fire. I realize that might not be the most mature or rational retaliation, but as I see it, completely necessary to ensure gene pool cleansing.

Megan Fox is box office poison Part 2

Megan Fox sucks so bad that despite her alleged Jolie "rip-off" good looks, she can't sell a movie to save her life. It's just another example of why I hate Hollywood so much. This chick has already made enough coin to get three more tattoos and buy God knows what else, but she hasn't proven a damn thing. Tom Cruise may be bat shit crazy, but at least he sells tickets. Girls like Megan Fox, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, etc should never move away from playing the hot chick with minimal lines in summer blockbuster movies most likely headed to sequels.

Jonah Hex will be released in a week or so and just as I called Jennifer's Body would fail, so will this movie. In fact, very few reviews have come out about this horrific movie, but the ones that have, aren't good. I think the director had probably already cast Fox when he realized just how poorly she can act because critics are saying her screen time is barely 10 minutes and if you watch this trailer that's nine minutes too long. Not only that though, her lines are two and three word sentences. She might be borderline autistic. Raymond from Rain Man could suspend disbelief better than this chick and all he talks about is Judge Wapner and K-Mart.

In the whole insufferable trailer, the following lines are delivered by Megan Fox:

Jonah Hex
I always do like when you finally show up
Rolls eyes
Can you?
It aint much for being owned
They took it
They took it all jonah
Wouldn’t you?


Riveting? I honestly think this might be the least talented actress ever to be on film.


So-called attractive people who lose millions for studios, read lines for a living and get paid millions, and somewhere, through some agenda pushing liberal PSA, some uniformed voter votes democrat because this dumb actor told them to. That's the degree I hate Hollywood and everyone associated with that town.

Finally, I have the perfect tribute to US soccer.

I've been trying to think of a perfect tribute to the US soccer team for their mediocre, but sufficient performance against England in Saturday's World Cup match. I don't hate soccer. I just don't completely get it. Soccer is like playing Atari when you have a PS3. It's still fun, but there's way better. Soccer is played worldwide, sure. The reason for that is simple. It's cheap. You need a ball and two sticks to shoot between. If I have to guess whether or not a country has a world cup team, I need to know if they have chickens in the streets and dirt runways at their airports. Soccer is just not a very evolved sport. Then to make matters worse, they keep changing the design of the ball, making an already low scoring, boring sport, more boring. Americans are accused of being arrogant for not "getting" soccer, but I think it's because we're used to sports that have high scores. Look at America's favorite sports for instance. Football (college and pro), Basketball, then you have baseball and hockey, both long tedious and low scoring. It's a simple recipe. Get rid of the stupid off-sides call in soccer and you've got a pretty good sport. Until then, the best fans you'll have are horn blowing South Africans and Chinese actors hired by Kim Jung Il.

My tribute to the US team is Cheryl Cole, ex-wife of England's defender, Ashley Cole. If this chick got any hotter, my genitals would actually wave a white flag.

psst...call me.

Here is Ashley Greene doing what she does best...punishing me with her undeniable sexiness. I'm not sure what magazine this is, but who cares, it's Ashley Greene. Honestly, I'm not even sure if she'll ever be in another movie after Twilight. In fact, I'm not even sure if she can act, because I black out from furious self gratification every time her face hits the silver screen. She's has that angular look that's like a sexier, less pedophilic Natalie Portman. An outbreak of cholera in the theater couldn't keep me from that movie that desperate lonely and depressed women in search of a man they'll never find love.

This is an amazing opportunity for stupid white people...

Los Angeles is now offering LA Gang Tours. This is the one chance uncool white people get to see how their favorite rap artists grew up. The mission of LA GANG TOURS is to provide an unforgettable historical experience for our customers with a customized high-end specialty tour. We will provide customers with a true first-hand encounter of the history and origin of high profile gang areas and the top crime scene locations in South Central, Los Angeles. Each tour bus for LA GANG TOURS will have a guide from the South Central areas who has gained hands-on knowledge and experience of the inner city lifestyle.
The objective is to create jobs for the residents of South Central, Los Angeles; to give profits from the tours back to these areas for economic growth and development, provide job/entrepreneur training, micro-financing opportunities and to specialize in educating people from around the world about the Los Angeles inner city lifestyle, gang involvement and solutions. This project will create opportunities to contribute to the economic health of South Central and the tools needed to access the American market.

Some of the stops during your gang tour will include the following:

The Los Angeles County Jail
The Los Angeles River Bed
The Metropolitan Detention Center
The Symbionese Liberation Army Shoot Out
Florencia 13
Birthplace of Black Panther Party
Florence District
Florence Avenue
Firestone Sheriff Station
Hall of Justice Jail
Pico Union Graff Lab (Graffiti Lab)
Birthplace to Crips Gang
Watts Arts Gallery

I dont know about you guys, but I've always wanted to tour prisons, detention centers and the birthplace of the Crips gang. Sign me up.

For more info on participating, and/or being stupid, white and uncool, visit their website:
http://www.lagangtours.com/about.html

Biggest badass ever.

An ailing American on a solo mission to kill Usama bin Laden was going for his "last hurrah" when he flew to Pakistan to hunt the master terrorist, but he was detained by Pakistani police before he found his prey.

Gary Brooks Faulkner, a 50-year-old construction contractor from Colorado, was picked up in a remote forest near the Pakistan/Afghanistan border carrying a pistol, a 40-inch sword and night-vision equipment, according to Pakistani police.

Though he never served in the military or had combat training, Faulkner is in "great shape" and has been trained in hapkido, a Korean martial art, his brother told FoxNews.com.

But Faulkner suffers from polycystic kidney disease that has left him with only 9 percent kidney function, and he requires dialysis treatments three times a week, his family said.

"Now that he's on dialysis he realized that this is going to be his last hurrah," said Dr. Scott Faulkner, an internist in Fort Morgan, Colo. "One way or the other he knew — if his kidneys failed him, he could die on the mountain, he could take a bullet, or he could get bin Laden."

Did I read that right? He's carrying a pistol and a 40 inch sword? Is Faulkner a ninja? This has to be the biggest bad ass on earth. When you need dialysis 3x's a week and you set out to Pakistan armed with a sword to hunt the most dangerous and most wanted man in the world, you're either bat-shit crazy, or you're a badass. Nothing would make me happier than to wake up one random Saturday morning to hear Gary Brooks was being flown back to the US with his 40" sword and Usama Bin Laden's head.

I'm not even sure this is human.

Keeping with the theme of being a week late, Erin Andrews, of Dancing with the Stars, twittered a picture of her spray tanned feet. Look, I'm not one of those attention seeking A-Holes that pretend to almost vomit when they see feet, or God forbid, feet touch them. I've always hated people like that. Feet aren't the cleanest of things, but most of the time those people don't have problems forgetting condoms when playing with dirty vaginas and penises. I don't have a foot fetish, but I would much rather touch a foot that's been in a sock and shoe all day than touch a vagina that's breeding herpes. Get over yourselves. If you need that much attention, start a blog. It works for me.

I digressed on my "I hate Feet People" soapbox, but the spray tanned feet aren't the problem. The problem is the irregular shape for human feet. WTF is going on with these feet. That's the thing. That's why, like Marcus in Boomerang, you gotta look for the whole package. Everything can seem perfect, like Erin, but you pull back the covers and you got hammer toes and bunions. I've seen some stuff in sci-fi movies that didn't disturb me like this picture.

Kelly Brook fulfills my fantasies...

Despite this coming about a week late, Kelly Brook announced that she wanted to take her clothes off for me Playboy for 500,000 dollars.

MailOnline reports:
The 30-year-old, who boasts a 34E cup size, will pose for arty and tasteful nude shots on a shoot in the Mediterranean later this month.
Her agent Jonathan Shalit told the Mail Online that Kelly was delighted to have been chosen.
He said: She's absolutely thrilled. It's such a great honour for her, especially when you think about the icons that have graced the cover of the magazine over the years.'
Speaking to the Sun, a source said: 'This is a huge opportunity for Kelly who is without doubt one of the world's most beautiful women. Playboy is an iconic publication which is known across the world as a sophisticated title.

Playboy sucks and it has for years, but any excuse to get Kelly Brook naked is fine by me. 500,000 seems really cheap though. If she told me for my best offer she'd strip for me, I'd spoon out 100 grams of my own bone marrow with a Swiss Army Knife. What? Is that weird?

Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!! Mommie!!!!!!!

Someone the press is calling 23 year old Lindsay Lohan, showed up at the MTV awards last night to scare the shit out of everyone. If this girl is 23, my testes have a black belt in jiu-jitsu. My mom is 59 years old and looks 10 years younger than this chick. It would be more likely that I get stranded on a island with Kelly Brook and Cheryl Cole than this chick living to 30. She's aging in dog years, if dogs could get smoke and do drugs.

Ken Griffey Jr Retires

Ken Griffey JR Tribute Welcome Back - The best video clips are right here

Ken Griffey Jr is without question, the most gifted baseball player I ever saw in person. His effortless swing coupled with his powerful athleticism made him one of the most feared hitters over the last 20 seasons. His defense was off the charts. He won a Golden Glove every year in the 1990's. He hit 630 homeruns in his career and was absolutely plagued by injury. I don't know, but based on his body then vs now, he's probably one of the few clean superstars throughout the steroid era which is also why he couldn't battle through injury like say, I don't know, maybe, Barry Bonds. Griffey will be in the Hall, but I will miss the hell out of seeing the sweetest swing in the history of the game.

Living Miami = Loco

Miami must be a really liberal place. Don't get me wrong, I love Miami. I've been to South Beach. I've been to the Delano. I've been to Mango's. Miami Living Magazine printed an ad for Establishedmen.com, whatever the hell that is, and boy did they "ERR" on the opposite side of subtle. Miami women seem to be missing out on monster ghost penises. I'm a rather accepting adult, but I'm pretty sure that my sweet little grandmother isn't the only one that could've done without this one. Oh, btw, thanks for the circling and arrow pointing because I would've been looking for that all night.

The irony of all ironies, Courtney Cox is on the cover.

It's also not nice to murder people...

Right now 11:05pm EST, this worthless piece of sh!t is running for his life somewhere in South America. The only way true justice could come to this murderer would be if he were caught after a few weeks of being terrified, alone, and broke, and the parents of the two innocent girls he murdered were allowed to use blowguns to shoot darts dipped in tetrodotoxin at his scrotum. I don't think there's a chance this spoiled little bitch will kill himself, unfortunately, but it sure will be nice to see Natalee's family get a little closure on this whole travesty.

Can't say I didn't tell you so...

Megan Fox was photographed over the weekend in Hawaii. Let's just say, I know now why she relies on photoshop. I'm not sayin' but I'm just sayin' that there's a good chance this is a 14 year old boy's body with a Megan Fox mask on. When you see this chick in GQ and such, sure she's sexy. But, not here. There's nothing sexy about these pictures. Nothing. These are so-called rare candids. It's no wonder this chick never leaves the house. Pale as a ghost and about as curvy as a ruler on Viagra. As if these photos didn't do enough to dispel the myth that she's the sexiest woman alive, Brian Austin Green was in most of the pictures I refused to post. The evolutionary reason behind men never marrying the girl that's easy to sleep with is because it's mother nature's way of telling them they can have better. Evolution's other, more obvious way of letting you know you can do better...her prior boyfriend was Brian Austin Green.

Happy Birthday, My Love...

"Within you I lose myself
Without you I find myself
Wanting to be lost again."

Heidi Klum turned 37 today and boy has it been difficult on us. We both appreciate the cards and the flowers. Despite the stressful day, we've spent most of this beautiful Tuesday, reconnecting (wink). I did make her aware of how superficial I am and how her aging will not be ignored by her superfluous bank account. Looks matter. What? She's getting a little flabby. She knows it. Anyway, I've got to run...Marissa is Skyping me.