Best Story of the Year Part Deux .

LODI, Calif. -- Lodi police arrested Shawn Batie, 42, at 9:41 p.m. on Friday night after they said he was found under the influence of methamphetamines.

Officers responded to a call in the area of Beckman Road just north of Harney Lane where a man later identified as Batie was found standing in the dirt next to the cemetery with a flashlight, yelling in the dark.

Police said that Batie was wearing an Oakland Raiders jacket, a g-string and a hair scrunchie around his genitals. He was also wearing socks.

Officers said that he was very jittery and his pupils were dilated. They took him into custody on suspicion of being under the influence, which was later confirmed at the jail where it was discovered that he was also a parolee at-large, police said.

Police said once at the jail, Batie proceeded to smear his feces on the walls.

Of course he's on meth. He's wearing a scrunchie on his junk. First of all, it's 2011...where the hell do you find a scrunchie? Second, he thought to put it around his junk. There's like two hundred questions I still have after that. What would cause this you ask. One simple explanation: M.E.T.H.

If you're clueless to the ways of the underworld and still not sold on the substance that causes you to act like this, watch Batie back at the station...cause he's wiping his fecal matter on the walls. So let's recap: 1). Scrunchies around junk. 2). Wiping your feces on walls.

Case closed: M.E.T.H.

Baseball is America's Game...

Thirty-five years ago today, on April 25, 1976, the Chicago Cubs took the field to play the Los Angeles Dodgers at Dodger Stadium. During the fourth inning with the Dodgers at bat, a 30-year-old Cubs outfielder named Rick Monday made the greatest play in baseball history, and it had absolutely nothing to do with the game of baseball.

Two idiot protesters, William Thomas and his 11-year-old son, stormed the field with an American flag. They threw it on the ground in shallow left-center field, kneeling over it with matches and lighter fluid, preparing to interrupt the game by burning Old Glory. Later, Monday recalled, "I figured having gone to college, two and two is sometimes four. They were dousing it with lighter fluid." During the game's radio broadcast, Dodgers announcer Vin Scully said, "Wait a minute, there's an animal loose. Two of them! I'm not sure what he's doing out there. It looks like he's going to burn a flag..."

Angry and reacting on pure patriotic instinct, the center fielder, who served six years in the Marine Reserves, sprinted towards them and snatched away the flag before they could drop a second match to set it ablaze. The crowd went wild, the protesters were escorted off the field, the crowd spontaneously broke out in "God Bless America," and, from that moment on, Rick Monday went down in American history books as an American folk hero. Afterward, he told the press, “If you’re going to burn the flag, don’t do it around me. I’ve been to too many veterans’ hospitals and seen too many broken bodies of guys who tried to protect it.”

Later in the year the Dodgers presented Monday with the flag that he saved. The '76 season ended up being Monday's career best with 32 home runs and 77 RBIs. He now works on the Dodger's broadcast team. Here's what he told Chicago Now's Bob Vorwald over the weekend while commemorating the 35th anniversary:

When I think back to that moment, I was in center field in the middle of the fourth inning and I saw out of the corner of my eye two people coming on the field. When that happens, you really don't know. Are they there on a bet? Are they coming out because they don't like you? I saw that one of them had something under his arm. They ran past Jose Cardenal, who was in left field, and went to shallow left-center. I saw one guy take out what looked to be an American flag and almost spread it out as if it was going to be a picnic blanket. I saw the reflection on the sun off the can and it looked like lighter fluid that they were dousing it with. It was windy at Dodger Stadium and the wind blew their first match out. The second match was lit and that's when I arrived. To this day, I don't know what was going through my mind, except that what they were doing was wrong. I scooped the flag up, and fortunately it was not on fire. The guy threw the can of lighter fluid at me, but he wasn't a prospect and he missed.

I gave the flag to Doug Rau, a pitcher came out of the Dodger dugout. Tommy Lasorda was coaching third base and ran by me and was livid as well. For an instant, I was thinking if I should bowl those guys over, but I just scooped the flag up. I'm very happy there was no violence involved and no one was hurt. I'm proud of the fact that I was able to stop them, but you don't think about the possible consequences at the time.

It stays fresh in my memory because of the number of pieces of mail I receive and the anniversary rolls around each April. That flag is in my home. I still look at the flag and the pictures and what has not changed is that I felt then as I do now that what those two people were trying to do was wrong.

I feel honored and proud when I am asked about the flag, not because I stopped two people from burning the flag that afternoon in Los Angeles, but because it represents a lot of rights and freedoms. A lot of years have gone by, but it's still important enough that people still discuss. That flag is still a part of my life and my wife and I have been blessed to be able to take it around the country and raise a lot of money for charities. It's meant a lot to me. I spent six years in the Marine Corps Reserve and I met a lot of people who gave a whole lot more than just the time that I spent. That flag represents a lot to be proud of. This is a wonderful country and it can be better if we want to try.

I think of myself having a high sports IQ, more specifically, a baseball aficionado, yet I've never heard of this story in my life. I'm so glad I know it though. How bad ass is this dude. Nothing gets me going like American patriotism. If you can watch this video and not feel a sense of pride and honor for this amazing country, do me a favor and move. Is burning a flag representative of our freedoms...absolutely. Conversely though, that same freedom gives me the right to hate you for burning it. If you're a parent and you take your 11 year old son out onto a major league field to burn your country's flag, you're a shitty parent. You simply don't force a child to be an instrument of your political discontent. That's what cowards do.

America is doomed.

When Los Angeles County Sheriff's homicide investigator Kevin Lloyd was routinely looking through snapshots of tattooed gang members, he saw something that caught his eye - a crime scene he was familiar with.

Anthony Garcia, a member of the Rivera-13 gang, had a tattoo that resembled the scene of the liquor store killing of 23-year-old John Juarez in Pico Rivera on Jan. 23, 2004, reports the Los Angeles Times.

There were numerous details the murder inked on the gang member. The paper reports that the tattoo included the Christmas lights that lined the roof of the liquor store where Juarez was shot and killed, the direction his body fell, the bowed street lamp across the way and the street sign. Above everything read the title, "RIVERA KILLS", a reference to the gang. A helicopter was also placed above the scene raining down bullets, a nod to Garcia's alias "Chopper."

When police discovered the evidence on Garcia's chest in 2008, they launched an investigation, which was followed by the arrest of Garcia, reports the paper.

This week, an undercover policeman placed in Garcia's cell got a confession from the suspect. That yielded a first-degree murder conviction in a killing investigators had initially given up hope on, the paper reports.

"Think about it. He tattooed his confession on his chest. You have a degree of fate with this," Capt. Mike Parker told the Times.

Garcia faces 65 years to life when he is sentenced on May 19 in a Norwalk court.

Could Garcia be dumber? No seriously, who tattoos the crime scene, down to the specific details, that only the guilty party would know on their chest. This is where I struggle with the debate regarding rehabilitation in the prison system. When you're dealing with people with this level of intelligence, there's no way you can expect them to rehabilitate. These people have always and will always be the dregs of society. Tattoos of murder scenes, complete with helicopters and Christmas lights on the liquor store, reveals this guy is neck and neck with the dumbest person to ever walk the face of the earth. The only thing this guy could do to help society would be to take a long walk off a short pier.

You gotta be kidding me.

Reporter Looks Like Police Sketch Of Rapist - Watch more Funny Videos

The reporter looks only a little like the perp in question, but honestly, if there's any resemblence whatsoever, shouldn't you have someone else cover this story? If you've got a wide mouth and wide set eyes and the sketch artist has the skills of a 4th grader with epilepsy, ask Hunter from the weather department to be the on scene reporter for this one. I feel badly for this dude. I bet there was a thousand calls right after he reported on this story and they all went a little like this:

"Uh...yes...I'm pretty sure the man you're looking for was just on television. He's going by the alias, Larry Seward and of all places, he's working for the nightly news."

You know they said all the famous serial killers like Son of Sam and Hillside Strangler would hang around their crime scenes because it made them feel invincible. Based upon Larry reporting his own crime on the news, I think might he be a little too confident.

Greatest resume of all time.

I'll be honest, if I'm hiring a guy to work in a restaurant, I couldn't, in a million years expect a more qualified, more bad ass applicant. This guy will no doubt be a winner...it's just a matter of time.

I just wouldn't classify Nigeria as forward thinking.

Africa is such an enigma of cultural evolution and civilization. People have inhabited that continent, populating the fertile crescent since around 5300 BC. So, what is that, roughly 7000 years of continuous inhabitance. You would think that after that many years of evolutionary principles influencing generation after generation, they would have progressed beyond black magic and human to goat transformations. Imagine living in a country where the police witness a Mazda 323(Mazda 323 wtf) being stolen and while one of the perps get away, the other turns to a goat to avoid being caught. That would be so awesome except that these policeman are serious. Yes, we are actually discussing human beings, while in the act of grand theft auto, turning themselves into a goat to avoid capture. Take a moment and say that out loud. Humans. Goats. 2011. Nigeria. Humans-->Goats.

Tornados love Fast Food too?

Tornado Steals Guy's Hamburger - Watch more Funny Videos

Eric Hubbard is like a magician. Instead of the tornado taking him away tumbling through ghetto, he grips the earth like Bill Paxton in the Twister finale when he wraps himself around the pipe in the barn with the strongest leather belt in the history of man. Eric didn't walk away unscathed by this rabid twister, though. The tornado came through and stole Eric's Extra Value Meal. R U F K M? What are the odds a raging tornado comes through your neighborhood and decides to give you and your Atlanta hat a break, but not your #3 Super Sized. This is basically Antoine Dodson 2.0. Enjoy!

Greatest Professor Ever.

This email was submitted to BroBible.com. I now want to re-enroll in college and take this professors class right now. Hope you enjoy this as much as I did.

Dear Class: I have received over 100 e-mails about the due date for the country reports and what midnight means to people...Midnight on Saturday means midnight on Saturday and it has nothing to do with Friday-that's why I said Saturday...So on Saturday morning, you will wake up and then all day long it is Saturday (what a concept !)...As morning goes on it then becomes Noon (or for those of you who are confused about Noon-it's lunchtime !!!)...Then it becomes Saturday Afternoon,...Then it becomes Saturday evening (usually somewhere at this time here folks have dinner),....Then it becomes Saturday Night (that means the Sun is down and it is dark outside) and then right at the end of Saturday night, it turns Midnight ! (60 minutes after 11:00 pm). And that's when the paper is due ! Are they not teaching times of the day anymore in school ? This is certainly the last damn time I will ever have anything due on Midnight....From now on it 's going to be 2:30 pm in the afternoon when the Sun is out...(please no e-mails asking if the paper is now due at 2:30 pm please or else I will kill myself)....Take care::"

The Balk for Jerry's Kids.

Justin Verlander apparently had a sezuire while making one of the most unathletic moves in the history of sports. Pitching to the A's David DeJesus with a man on first, the Verlander did a little dismount on the mound and threw a line-drive (not a pitch) at the batter's feet, hitting him. The umpires took a few minutes to figure out just what the hell had just happened and ultimately awarded second base to the runner on first; since the balk happened first, DeJesus didn't get the HBP. Turns out Verlander had a quasi-reasonable explanation for the incident and was able to laugh at himself over the whole thing.

"I went to go pick one and I didn't get my body turned," Verlander said. "The way I thought — and this was all in milliseconds — if I just throw it home, they won't call anything."

It's not very often that something happens like this with professional athletes. I feel embarrassed for him. It's hard to be this bad at something.

Speaking of skinny chicks...oh wait nevermind.

Scarlett Johansson went jogging with her walking cadaver of a boyfriend, Sean Penn, and many of the blogs erupted with rumors she was preggers. Well, it turns out, she's just fat. According to her publicist (read: damage controller), she has been training for six months for her new movie and is in the best shape of her life. I truly don't even know how to respond to that except by saying, "either fire your trainer or fire your publicist." It's amazing how fast a girl can go downhill. One day you're married to the People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive, Ryan Reynolds, and starring in the Iron Man franchise, and the next minute you're disguising your stomach as a human growing inside you by being a competitive eating champion. Couple that with dating an unwrapped mummy from Ancient Egypt and that's probably evidence enough that things are coming off the rails for Scarlett. For the record, if I were a girl, I'd rather marry chlamydia than marry Sean Penn.

The highlight of swimsuit season.

Either Marisa Miller is the result of millions of years of flawless evolution, or she has spent her entire adult life hungry. Her loss is my gain. Skinny girls with big breasts, that's what Ponce De Leon should've spent his time looking for...not that stupid water fountain. What a dip shit.

Derek Jeter is the anti-Christ

Minka Kelly must have been kissed by Aphrodite. Is there another way a girl could be this beautiful. Actually, you know what, there is another way. Turns out this mocha-skinned beauty is the daughter of a former exotic dancer...so in a way, she could've been brought into this world by a dancer named Aphrodite. I don't know about you, but I've never seen an Angel, Fantasia, Cinnamon, Candy, Charisma, Allure, or of course, a Destiny that looks like this. I never got on the Friday Night Lights bandwagon, but man-o-man, this girl makes me want to date a stripper. You have to figure that the apple didn't fall far from the tree. If that's true, there's some cougar/former dancer with an uncanny resemblence to Minka Kelly. In fact, Minka just could've been her mom's stage name. I'm like Sherlock Holmes.

Effortless grace and beauty...oh, let's not forget "curvy"

If you're the star on a show critics like, on a network no one watches, surely you could get your bunion removed so your big toe doesn't drift over the other four. Then, while you're asleep for your bunionectomy, get your DD implants that you've successfully eaten into GG implants removed so maybe, by some miracle, it entices you to do some exercise. If this Quasimodo looking ginger can be famous, anyone can...literally...anyone.

"I'm shocked by this"-- most common statement heard by no one

A Florida man got in a shootout with a SWAT robot while wearing nothing but his birthday suit. The suspect’s dog was the only onlooker as the robot approached the door at the West Melbourne home. Authorities said a man with several guns was suicidal and threatening authorities.

“He said he’d shoot anyone he could,” said Lt. Bruce Barnett with the Brevard County Sheriff’s Office. Instead of risking any lives, deputies sent the $65,000 robot into the home. The robot has cameras, which record all of its actions.

As the robot slowly pushed the man’s bedroom door open, the man came out, stark naked, with an AK-47 in hand. The man then started shooting at the robot. The camera goes out at first, and then comes back on.

The robot came away with bullet holes, frayed wires and broken cables, but no one was hurt.

Let's recap. Naked man, AK-47, suicidal, homicidal...where else could this have happened. Florida. Of course. I bet this shit isn't even shocking to police anymore. This is like an average Tuesday for Florida police. I watched the documentary on Aileen Wuornos this weekend and I couldn't help but notice how crazy people/pedophiles/serial killers, no matter where they were born, always end of calling The Sunshine State their home. If you wake up one day and decide that you wanna be murdered by a prositute hitchiker, Florida is your place. If you decide that you want your neighborhood to show up on Watchdog.com like a Jackson Pollack painting, Florida is your place.

Angels among us...

As luck would have it, I found these pics a couple of weeks ago. I've been wanting to formulate some clever narrative, but it's proven impossible. Candice, the blonde in the middle, has come under fire for being abnormally thin. What? Too thin? Who are these people? Answer: Girls that will never look like this. There might be a such thing as too skinny, I've just never seen it. Trust me, I've been looking.

Best pedicure I've ever gotten...true story.

Esquire and I love this chick.

According to blogs much more in sync than mine, Katrina Bowden will be their Sexiest Woman Alive. I have no clue who this Katrina girl is, but I really really really want to know. We are in witnessing a major lull in talent in Hollywood, and by talent, I mean hot girls I can thirst for. Well, this is jackpot. I can't wait to hurry and finish typing so I can IMDB Katrina and then set up my DVR. Ahhh...the simple joys of life.



David, sorry man, but Kate Upton can't compete with this.

This is posing for Playboy.

I get it. Some people can overlook a face for a smoking body. I am not one of those people. This chick looks like she lost a mud throwing contest. Will I skip this Playboy, probably not, but that's not the point. The point is, Dancing with the Stars dresses chicks with butterfaces in napkins and spin them around the floor with some washed up has been or never was, and this recipe captures America's attention. Holy shit! No wonder the terrorists hate us.

April Fool's Day brings assualt charges...

Maryland police say a man became stuck to a Walmart store toilet seat after someone spread glue on it.

It happened Thursday evening at a store in Elkton. Officials refused to say how long the man was stuck before he was able to get help.

Police say emergency workers removed the seat from the toilet and took the man out with seat still attached to him. The seat was removed at the emergency room at Union Hospital.

Police say the incident is a second-degree assault case that may have been a random prank the night before April Fool's Day.

Am I the only one reading this article that can't stop wondering why in the hell anyone on Earth would sit on the seat at a public restroom, much less Wal-Mart. I'd rather go bareback with Pamela Anderson followed by Magic Johnson than be forced to sit on the seat at Wally World. Then, this poor schmuck has to go to the hospital to get it removed. It's like those guys that slip in the shower and a dildo goes up up their ass. Yeah ok, buddy. Sure it did. Now that i think about it though, if there really was one time where a guy did slip and a dildo went you know where, I feel really badly for that dude. That's one time where it's better to tell the lie.

Thanks JB!

Morbid obesity is so hard to explain.

BELLAIRE,Ohio -- Community reaction has been intense to our story about the morbidly obese man who spent two years in his chair.

Everyone is asking, "how could this happen?" (I know).

A man whose skin had fused to his chair, with bedsores, maggots and excrement everywhere. The description from the first responders was horrifying.

Now the 43-year-old Bellaire man has died according to our radio news partner WKKX. (43 FREAKING YEARS OLD).

Who is in charge of a case like this? First of all, is it a legal issue? A Belmont County legal authority says it appears that it is not.

The man, from all official accounts, was not being held against his will, was not a captive, not forced to live confined to his chair, with no access to hygiene.

WTRF 7 News is told by several sources that the man insisted on living his life in his chair, insisted that his girlfriend bring him food and soft drinks.

Several people have suggested it's a case for Adult Protective Services. However, their jurisdiction is reportedly limited to the elderly. Clients must be in their 60s or older. A 43 year old does not qualify.

And finally there's the landlord---She says she's been attacked online and on the airwaves and she's tired of it.

She says, "you rent to adult and you expect them to know how to live. He was always sitting underneath a blanket. I had no idea the extent of it."

She says there are now seven people cleaning the house.

Let me get this straight...people are pointing fingers at others when this waste of space ate and shat himself so long his skin attached to the chair? You're gonna blame his landlord? His girlfriend? His girlfriend may be stupid as hell, but she's certainly not to blame for this loser. I can't blame his landlord for never going in the house. The smell alone would keep me away. I just love the people asking, "How could this have happened?"

I'm gonna get crazy and take a stab at this one.

Step 1. Sit in chair.
Step 2. Stay in chair.
Step 3. Crush fast food brought from girlfriend.
Step 4. Crush 60oz soft drink.
Step 5. Repeat 2-4
Step 6. Repeat step 5.

Gay Cavemen?

The remains of a 5,000 year old man have been discovered and archaeologists believe that he may have been homosexual. Because he was buried like a woman.
Archaeologists have unearthed a man from somewhere between 2900 and 2500 B.C. and they discovered that he was buried in a manner that typically, only women were buried in. Most men were buried with their heads pointing towards the west, while this fella was buried with his head facing to the east. Initially, one might assume that this was a sweet prank played on the caveman by his caveman buddies. “Hey, look, we buried him like a chick!” then a round of the caveman equivalent of high fives would ensue. But members of this culture took burials incredibly seriously, so that’s not the case.

The way the man was buried was not the only indication of his sexual orientation. Several other things were discovered that indicated the man was gay or transgendered. His remains were found near an extremely large pile of furs and arrowheads, which were used as currency in the copper age. His excess of these items indicated that he had a large amount of disposable income. Most likely because he didn’t have a wife or children.


Yeah, no kidding. Imagine women robbing you of your disposable income. That seems crazy. Although this is interesting, it seems unlikely. I think, like the author of the article, this could've easily been a joke. Hell, at least once a year I'm dressed up in some costume that, if a volcano or some other disaster occurred and instant death insued, I would be discovered just like this guy. Also, there's the issue with the fur and excess currency. If that makes you gay, every rapper since 1983 is flaming. You know this guy's friends were laughing their asses off while they were throwing dirt on him: "Etocopowah would be so pissed at us right now." "Yeah, but it's funny as hell."

Evander Holyfield loves the beach...

Looking at this picture takes me back to November of 1996, when Holyfield faced Tyson for the first time. Was vegas ever more electric than that night. IThat one match is single handedly responsible for changing the entire landscape surrounding pay-per-view. That was before the days of MMA, a day when boxing was the main event, a who's who of American pop culture. Thanks to Don King and corrupt promotion and a lack of true and dependable heavyweights, isn't it amazing how times have changed. Nonetheless, Evander seems to be keeping in really good shape these days...I just don't understand why he wears bikinis to the beach. That seems weird.