Snooki 1 ---- Trey Yearwood 0 (FML)

Like Pablo Neruda's poem, I could also write the saddest lines tonight. The lines are as follows:

Snooki, following up on her New York Times Bestseller (WTF X 5), A Shore Thing, she is currently promoting her second book (WTF X 10), Confessions of a Guidette (RUFKM). As I typed those lines I actually impaled myself with a rusty pitchfork and beer bonged some Drano, but unlike me, if you're not fading in and out of consciousness, you can read a few of the pearls from her new book.

Via Amazon:


“My biggest nightmare is waking up pale. Or without eyelashes.”

“A guidette has to know how to have fun anywhere. Like, if you’re stuck in a cardboard box, you have to rock it.”

“LOVE my slippers. It’s like wearing beds on your feet.”

“If you can smell hair gel from a mile away, it signals guido mating season.”

“I like to wear so many accessories that people are confused.”


I'm dead now, but if you're not, I highly recommend reading Revelations and following suit. After all, the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse are being saddled up at this very moment.

Heidi blows me.............away everytime.

Heidi Klum could be older than our Constitution and I'd probably still go into cardiac arrest if I met her. She pops out a baby once a year whether she wants it or not, yet her body always rebounds like Dennis Rodman. This post is for nothing other than a tribute to one of the greatest weekends due to the unofficial holiday, Halloween, the GA/FL game, and of course, Heidi Klum. Go Dawgs and God bless German supermodels named Heidi.

Even Brazilian women can fight.

You know when someone's about to be disrepected, be racist, or be sexist, he/she will undoubtedly begin the sentence with, "I'm not trying or I don't mean to (blank) but..." Well, I preface this post like that because I don't mean to be sexist, but usually women look ridiculous when they try to fight or hit a bag. They even make funny looking fists. Sure, there are exceptions, but generally speaking, the beautiful ones aren't designed to fight. It's just not in their DNA. Well, that was until I saw this video of Adriana Lima hitting the bag. Just when I thought Brazilian supermodels couldn't be more perfect, they go and do athletic things like this to blow my loins into outer Earth orbit.

Playboy is on the pulse of the American male.

Drug makeover 2.0




Playboy has announced, typically for them, about four years after no one cares anymore, that Lindsay Lohan will pose nude for the dying, decrepid magazine. I'm not sure what guy would want to see Lindsay Lohan nude because that guy is most certainly not this guy. The rumor is, "She has spent three days posing for photgraphers and will leave nothing to the imagination." No shit. She's been doing that for anyone that has booze or cocaine for about four years now. She would get naked for a pack of Fun Dip or a Pixie Stick at this point. If you're some weirdo that would want to look at a vagina that resembled ground turkey with leprosy wounds, this issue of Playboy will be a consumer staple for you. I think I'll pass.

Salma Hayek has a great smile...

This Mexican beauty has been making me dizzy since her role in From Dusk Till Dawn and that was like a hundred years ago at least. When she's not allowing billionaires to pull out so she can get knocked up and get paid, she's working red carpets, and working them well. Between her and Sofia Vergara's breasts, it's all I can do to not flip a coin right now and call Delta Airlines.

Heads-->Bogota, Columbia

Tails---> Mexico City, Mexico

This means almost nothing...

Various sources are reporting, especially with this picture, that Jessica Simpson is preggers. That's just what we need, another 4'11" chubby addition to the creepy, incredibly stupid Simpson clan. I have my doubts though, even with this picture. The way this chick's weight fluctuates as she competitively eats, this could be just her leaving a light lunch at Chateau Marmont.

Solicitation in the pumpkin patch.

DD implants, for Courtney Stodden are like hooker training wheels. Being this trashy by the tender age of 17 is an amazing feat. Trying to convince me that this wax looking augmented tramp is 17, is even more amazing. As bat shit crazy as this chick is, imagine how twisted her parents are to either agree to let their daughter dress like this, act like this, and marry the creepy A-Hole from the Green Mile, or agree to conjure up this ridiculous story in exchange for a little tabloid fodder. You have to be the lowest of low to sell your children out, especially when that price is becoming a whore in the front of the world. Regardless, I'm fascinated by this train wreck. She looks hideous. She makes the expressions to the camera during interviews like she's constantly having orgasms, which I guess could be awesome if it were Heidi Klum, but instead, it's a House of Wax caricature of a normal blonde girl. Well, Green Mile and Courtney were photographed by the paparazzi paid someone to photograph them while they were at the pumpkin patch. As you probably know, you can openly murder babies while smoking crack in California and it wouldn't be frowned upon, so that should give you some barometer of how ridiculous their behavior was during this pumpkin hunting in order to be kicked out. Well Radar Online reports this story and then Courtney responded on her Twitter, which if you want to be entertained, I suggest you follow her because it's pure and simple magic.

Throwing in the line from John the Apostle is like the icing on the proverbial cake...and I dont mean cake...or icing.

Onlookers also complained that Courtney — wearing Daisy Dukes and a plaid shirt tied to show off her flat belly — was not dressed appropriately for the patch. After Courtney, 17, and Doug, 51, were 86’ed from the patch, they went to a nearby area where Courtney struck some sexy poses for the camera.
Courtney presumably referred to the incident on her Twitter page, writing: “Have a beautifully blessed Sunday! :) “Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.” John 7:24″

Lindsay Lohan is a natural beauty.

It's funny, but during times of economic expansion, zombie movies boom while conversely, in times of economic peril, world or government unrest and conflict vampire movies have a resurgence. This isn't my theory, this is factual. I think Lindsay is lost in meth land somewhere between the two because she's pale enough to be a vampire, yet scary enough to be a zombie. Irrespective of how hot this chick once was, she's one more stupid judge letting her off from OD'ing. I mean, it's almost inevitable at this point. She's like a walking Meth Makeover billboard. This chick was one of the hottest redheads in years and now she looks like a less sober Amy Winehouse. I'm not one for hyperbole, but honestly, I'd rather put my penis inside an electric pencil sharpener than Lindsay Lohan. I you're anything like me, you're one with the entertainment industry and are asked to screen culturally important films like, Teeth. If you don't know, which you probably don't, Teeth is about a young woman with a flesh eating vagina. It's as good as you would expect---translation---AMAZING! But that's not the point. The point is that Lindsay Lohan's vagina probably doesn't have teeth, but what it does have will make you wish your penis would get chewed off.

The good news is, she may have given up alcohol, pot, X, heroin, Rx Pills, LSD, shrooms, and last but not least cocaine...for chipped, discolored, meth pebble-teeth.

Having sexy with the Lindsay Lohan would be like having sex with a walking Intervention episode, if it had AIDS.  Even in Hollyweird, where epic meltdowns and drug addiction are like buying Tic Tacs, this seems worst than most.  She's aging faster than the speed of sound, and the thing, well the two things that made her great, seem very depressed.  Damn, this chick is a wreck.  She's like our generation's version of that Dana Plato chick from Different Strokes.  When I saw this picture though, I breather such a heavy sigh of relief.  I think it's pretty obvious she's righting the ship now though, you know, with the meth teeth and open sores and all.  Cause, you know, when I think of success and life turn arounds, I think meth habits.  Way to go Linds....I knew you'd do it! 

Florida strikes again...no shocker here.

FORT LAUDERDALE — A Coconut Creek man accused of posing as a doctor and offering free door-to-door breast exams has reached a deal with prosecutors, lawyers told a Broward judge on Tuesday.

Phillip Winikoff, 81, was accused in April 2006 of carrying on the ruse with women at an apartment complex in the 3200 block of Northwest 40 Street in Lauderdale Lakes. Investigators said two women took Winikoff up on the offer, allowed him into their apartments and realized something was amiss only after the exams started.

Winikoff was charged with three counts of sexual battery, two counts of practicing medicine without a license, two counts of simple battery, and one count of using the title of doctor without a license.

If tried and convicted, he could have been sentenced to more than 45 years in prison for the sexual battery charges and another 10 years for practicing medicine without a license.

At the time of Winikoff's arrest, the Broward Sheriff's Office said he carried a little black bag to lend credibility to his claim of being a doctor. The first victim, 36 at the time, told detectives he started the exam by fondling her breasts, and she knew something was wrong when his hands wandered elsewhere.

By the time the victim called 911, Winikoff had already found a second victim, the sheriff's office said.

I've got a lot of comments about this story.  First, holy shit, this guy is fast.  He's 81 and found another victim by the time the cops arrived.  Either this guy is one efficient pseudo-physician, or the second victim is a skankwhore looking for a little game of in-out, if you know what I mean.  When you're 81 and the women only suspect something is up when a stranger's hand wanders elsewhere during the exam.  WTF?  This should hardly even be a crime.  If these women are dumb enough to let a strange man in their home to feel their breasts, they almost get what they deserve.  I don't care if he was scrubbed, masked and read to walk in an OR, you don't let strange men in your house and let them fondle your boobs and God only knows what else...unless it's been a while, apparently.  October is Brest cancer Awareness month.  I wonder when pap smear awareness month is because there's gonna be a lot of guys moving to Ft Lauderdale.  Who's crazier here, the wanna be doctor, or the women getting breast exams with their legs spread in their apartments?  It's a toss up.

NBA should stand for Nothing to Bitch About.

Giving thought to the NBA lockout is like giving thought to Canada or Soccer.  Who cares?  The problem I have with this is the same problem I had with the baseball strike of the 94-95 season.  Baseball was struggling before, and even more after the work stoppage.  It wasn't until Bud Selig sold his soul to BALCO and watched with a evil grin as Sosa, McGuire, and Bonds destroyed not only the home run record, but the integrity of Major League Baseball, did the fans return to the game.  Having a group of already poorly perceived athletes strike due to a disagreement between billionaire owners and almost billionaire players is something the average NBA fan not only can't conceptualize, but is infuriated by.  The NBA was already on its knees; after this, it will be crippled.  I love basketball probably more than 90% of the Americans, but I'll be honest, I seriously couldn't care less if I watched one game of the NBA next season.  In fact, only when baseball season ends and college basketball is over, does anyone watch an egregiously long 82 game regular season anyway.  God, I hate this league.  What a group of morons.  Here's the top ten earners for 2011:

1. Kobe Bryant LA Lakers $24,806,250
2. Rashard Lewis Orlando $20,514,000
3. Kevin Garnett Boston $18,800,000
4. Tim Duncan San Antonio $18,700,000
5. Michael Redd Milwaukee $18,300,000
6. Pau Gasol LA Lakers $17,822,187
7. Andrei Kirilenko Utah $17,822,187
8. Yao Ming Houston $17,686,100
9. Gilbert Arenas Washington $17,730,694
10. Dirk Nowitzki Dallas $17,300,000
11. Vince Carter Orlando $17,300,000
12. Zach Randolph Memphis $17,333,333
13. Carmelo Anthony Denver $17,149,243
14. Amare Stoudemire New York $16,800,000
15. Dwight Howard Orlando $16,509,600
16. Joe Johnson Atlanta $16,324,500
17. Kenyon Martin Denver $15,959,099
18. Elton Brand Philadelphia $15,959,099
19. Predrag Stojakovic New Orleans $15,336,000
20. Chris Paul New Orleans $14,940,152

I don't know about you, but putting these freaks to work in corporate America might quiet the bitching about a 24 million a year salary.  Just a hunch.

Beyonce is pregnant with Gumby...apparently.

I couldn't care two shits about Beyonce's baby, but since I loathe her existence, I feel compelled to expose her narcissism and ridiculousness. Beyonce and Jay-Z annouced a few months ago they were having a baby that Beyonce was secretly hoping wouldn't look like her husband. Since then, she's utilized every opportunity to be photographed with a unnaturally fast-growing belly. Unless she's carrying an amoeba, she ain't preggers. Unless you're blind, you can see her "alleged fetus" fold in half when she sits down. Why is this a big deal, you ask? It's not. In fact, I think, probably more than most, that image is everything, especially in the entertainment business. And if I had meat and thighs like Beyonce before kids, there's no way in three hells I would have kids. I actually think this is a brilliant career move, unless she wants to impersonate Oprah in the second half of her career. The problem I have is "pretending" to be pregnant. Who cares. So what you hired a surrogate. It's moves like this from rich spoiled celebrities that make me want to drink a gallon of drano and light myself on fire. I seriously can't stand this tub of lard. Imagine wearing a prosthetic baby bump. It's beyond any rational human's comprehension. If you're ever stranded in the cold without matches and Beyonce is your hiking partner, all you have to do is place some straw near her thighs and take her out for a brisk walk. There will be enough friction energy to rival nuclear fission.

Clooney, you should stick with soaps, ER and c list girlfriends.

If you don't value the precious seconds of your life, I've got a strong suggestion for you. Instead of building a lasting memory with something or someone meaningful, you could pay 12.00 to see one of the most pretentious P.O.S. ever made: Ides of March.

This movie is the epitome of how out of touch and narcissistic Hollywood elitists are when they articulate their vision of things they have no idea about, namely political landscapes. You see, just because Clooney is a handsome famous actor, just because he's spent some time on Capitol Hill in front of Congress, and pretended to give a flip about Darfur, he can accurately depict our political landscape. Well, he can't. From the first ten miserable minutes of the movie, I was looking for a plot everywhere. I looked under my uncomfortable seats and in the popcorn, but the only way I could've enjoyed this horrific movie would have been with a gallon of whiskey or a Wellbutrin smoothie. Phillip Symour Hoffman, like always, was great, but even he drowned in a sea of emptiness and plot absence. I wanted desperately to walk out, but I actually sat through Wag the Dog, so this seemed easy by comparison. I honestly can't even articulate a coherent critique because I don't hate it enough.  I can't muster commentary because it didn't provoke one emotion. On the contrary, pure and simple apathy.  I know Hollywood will kiss his ass over this movie because that's how stupid they are, but the only thing he should win is a Razzie for Best Direction in an emotionless, plotless drama.

"Out Out Brief Candle...."

"Great men are meteors that burn so that the earth may be lighted." Napoleon Bonaparte

Not unlike Macbeth, Jobs realized the precious brevity of life.  Jobs knew his genius would burn too brightly to illiuminate this world forever.  It was this ability to see what those did not that nurtured one of the greatest minds our world has ever known.  For 30 years Jobs has been making his competitors "Think" for rapidly, more acutely, and more effectively.  Through Apple's meteroric rise, it became the second most valuable company in the world.  When he was fired from the company he created, he left and started a small animation company called PIXAR.  Three hundred million dollars from Disney later, a struggling Apple begged Jobs to reinvent their platform with his unparalleled visions of a growing technological world.  Indeed, he did and with the birth of the Ipod, so was the digital music age.  The rest is history.  Steve Jobs was philanthropist, a visionary, and most importantly, a husband and father.  Tonight, the world lost one of the influential men in history.

I posted this video many weeks ago.  It's one of the most riveting 15 min you'll ever see.  Enjoy. 

http://youtu.be/D1R-jKKp3NA

Hello, hello, hello, how low?

As if I didn't feel old as hell already, I found this on the internet last week. This dude, 20 years ago, was the naked baby on the cover of Smells like Teen Spirit album, Nevermind. Nevermind was Nirvana's second album, but almost single handedly responsible for bringing grunge to the mainstream. Since its release date on September 24, 1991, Nevermind has been labeled diamond 3X's (30 million sold worldwide).

 In a related story, everyone has seen this dude's penis.

When bad things happen to rural people.

It's not that people pick on the south, or more specifically, Alabama, unjustly. These poor people ask for everything they get. It seems that the National Championship Trophy was on display at a local Wal-Mart somewhere in Alabama for all the rednecks to see. Well this brought out some doozies. You see, the rednecks couldn't just pose and smile, they had to further humiliate themselves with ridiculous poses to go along with their ridiculous teeth, their ridiculous hair, their ridiculous camouflage ensembles, and last but certainly not least, their morbid obesity. Commentary of my favorite moments in the "Rednecks with Crystal Trophy Experience" are below:

Picture #2 Needs no explanation, except for, I'm pretty sure that's a Transformers logo on her shirt.  

Picture #4 Of course there's a phone on the belt or his corduroy shorts and Green Eggs and Ham T-shirt. His mom undoubtedly took the picture where they then hung it in his World of Warcraft room in her basement.

Picture #5 37" forehead...I measured.

Picture #6 Reverse Natural Selection in the flesh. Is that a halo around her belly button? What did one 70 year old breast say to the other? If we don't get some support soon, they're gonna think we're nuts. Enough said.

Picture #8 I actually find some genuine humor in this pic. This guy is probably the manager of Little Caesars or maybe a Blimpie. In other words, he's normal...kind of.

Why Cheryl Cole was fired from X Factor is beyond me.

Simon Cowell's baby, The X Factor, started very strong. Mind you, this was primarily because British smokeshow, Cheryl Cole, was a judge. I'll agree listening to her mumble words of the Queen's English in one of the most unidentifiable and rural British accents, was anything but sexy...and this is coming from a guy that loves almost any accent. Unless, of course, you found those people in the bottom of the Titanic dancing with Rose and Jack sexy. They weren't. Cheryl Cole is the rocket of all rockets. I know I'm splitting hairs here, but one negative are those little stubby sausage fingers she has. It's almost "little person"esque. But again, I'm being a little harsh here, because I would walk over AIDS pudding with bleeding feet for a chance at this chick.

For those of you that don't live in your mom's basement, or operate unsuccessful blogs like mine, you probably have never heard of Daisy Lowe. If her face looks familiar, I still would bet you didn't know she is Gavin Rossdale's love child from some smoking hot chick about 19 years ago. Well now, lucky for us, Daisy is a model and she likes to be at least partially clothed. I included this video that I dare you to only watch one time. In fact, if you can show that amount of self restraint, I would call your family doctor to get your hormones checked, because you certainly have low testosterone levels. Daisy is in the new issue of Esquire UK. If that weren't A, a magazine, which no one reads anymore anyway, or B, a liberal manifesto, I would expect you to buy it, if for no other reason than the video above.