Heidi blows me.............away everytime.

Heidi Klum could be older than our Constitution and I'd probably still go into cardiac arrest if I met her. She pops out a baby once a year whether she wants it or not, yet her body always rebounds like Dennis Rodman. This post is for nothing other than a tribute to one of the greatest weekends due to the unofficial holiday, Halloween, the GA/FL game, and of course, Heidi Klum. Go Dawgs and God bless German supermodels named Heidi.

Even after all these years...

This is unreputable evidence that Heidi Klum is in love with me the rocket of all rockets. She pops out kids during lunch breaks and goes back to being the dorkiest hot chick you've ever fallen for. It's been so intense for so long, between the two of us, I can't even recall where or when this love affair began. I'm pretty sure the south of France was invloved, but the details are fuzzy. Regardless, Germany seems like such a small country to produce such a flawless example of the human genome. I look at that huge country, Brazil, on the map and I get it. There's like 4 billion people there or something. It's no wonder they can produce models at such an alarming rate, but Germany? There are more people on the interstates of Atlanta everyday than the whole country of Germany, yet this is what they offer the world. Well, all I can say is God bless you Germany. Thank you. Thank you so much.

She makes me stutter like Brad Womack.

Regardless of what you believe, this is one of our little "games" of love and seduction when we're out to dinner ala Sharon Stone in Sliver. It's a little disconcerting that she's playing the same game with the most unfunny millionaire in Hollywood. She's still so pretty, it makes me dizzy.

Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break - Shakespeare

One of the saddest days of my not-so-young life came today when Heidi Klum announced that she and Victoria's Secret were parting ways. For 13 years Heidi has been the catalyst for my immature, insensitive, demeaning and objectifying sense of humor regarding supermodels. Inspiration, I feel, only comes around like this once in a lifetime. Heidi has not only selflessly given to me and Mr Down South, but scores of innocent and thirsty others, hope and resilience. Moving forward, I simply cannot think of life with Victoria's Secret as my muse, inspiration, and emotional compass, without Heidi Klum. Being the "Head Angel" as she was, requires responsibility and fortitude at a level most young models cannot aspire. Many of you are probably staring at your screen in disbelief, wondering what's so special about this German girl from Bergisch Gladbach. Well, stop projecting you selfish bastards. Let's take a moment of silience.......






How dare you blaspheme. Where will this lonely and lost periodical go without the navigation of German beauty and perfection? I ask you, where will they find the next "Head Angel?" If you irresponsible blow hards tell me Gisele Bundchen, I hate you more than cancer. In fact, I've seen more feminine features at drag shows. Right now, as my cursor races across an empty tear soaked screen, Tom Brady is more effeminate than his supermodel girlfriend. So, don't you dare tell me about what drives the spark for the most influential mail order magazine in the history of man. I want to go on...I want to extend a helping hand to others hurting like I am hurting, but I simply cannot allow my ego to write checks my body cannot cash. It may be days, it may be weeks before my words find you again. Alas, I will end this entry with Shakespeare, just as I started it, "Farewell, fair cruelty.”

This I get...crystal clear.

Say what you want, which can't be anything but DAMN!, Heidi Klum makes me sin. Just when I'm ready to start my search for the hottest woman on Earth, or more specifically, search for my new girl within the pages of Victoria's Secret to replace her, she shows up looking hotter than Helen of Troy. Seriously, it doesn't get better than this. Her dress is almost as flawless as her legs. She is basically the only thing that made that piece-of-trash worth watching. The Emmy's are awful. They're simply nothing more than a platform for narcissists to further exploit themselves. Just when talentless filthy rich morons with a voice don't alienate themselves enough, they walk a red carpet and boast about wearing millions of dollars in jewelry while telling everyone how "hard they worked" for that stupid trophy. Had it not been for Heidi Klum's trip to the Emmy's, it would have been more fun to watch Napalm dropped on an orphanage than tune into that garbage for five hours.

Hormones are such a buzzkill...

After an afternoon of shopping with the kids, a few "failed" wardrobe attempts, or as I called them "malfunctions," Sugar Bear, as I call her, was photographed storming off with the kids. I can't be more supportive than I've been. It just seems that everytime I try to compliment her these days, it always backfires. I'll tell you this, a powerhouse of muscle and fitness like this can find love by accident at a funeral. Who supported her when she stood in front of the mirror pinching her baby weight for hours before the last Victoria's Secret Fashion Show? Who told her to own the catwalk? Who lied through his pearly white teeth when he told her that the German language was the most romantic of them all? Well Heidi, when this ship, this steel ship sails, it's over baby. Chew on this fraulein, "If only...those must be the two saddest words in the world.”

Britney imitates frozen grandparents from Weird Science..

This poor redneck just can't help but shine her white trash Mississippi/Louisiana roots. It's often said, you can take the girl out of the trailer, but you can't take the trailer out of the girl. 10 years ago Britney Spears was making pop music history, making teengae boy's penises explode, and making life in general, her bitch. Now...now she looks like the crazy promiscuous sister that your parents were ashamed of. I could walk past this chick in Wal-mart and not even think for one second that this could be a celebrity sex symbol. She would fit right in with the obese women with diabetic lesions working the clothes department and dressing rooms with thinning greasy hair and a banana clip. Honestly, being a child star of her magnitude and fame is like the kiss of death. Other than Ron Howard, I can't think of one child star that has actually maintained his/her sanity. Despite being an advocate for Darwinism, I hate to prey on the weak. That said though, I loved this picture more than Bud Light Lime. It basically screams, "Extra Extra...Read about me...I'm a nut job!" She looks like she's staring at a huge Starbuck's Frappicino shaped chocolate bar floating 20 feet in the air. The last time I saw someone this focused was when Heidi Klum collapsed and stared into my eyes after 23.6 straight hours of tantric lovemaking. I apologized for the .4 hours, I told her, "Hey, no one's perfect."

Emmy Rossum should just make a sex tape.

I am about as well versed in unimportant and frivolous Hollywood starlets as anyone on Earth. I know it seems weird, but it comes natural to me. I just have a weakspot for supermodels, smoke-show actresses, and German girls named Heidi. All this said, I must've been sleeping when Emmy Rossum stormed the scene. Seriously, where in the flock did she fly in from? This girl is hotter than 7 hells. There are some girls in Hollywood that leave you wondering how they got famous (cough) Kirsten Dunst, but Emmy, well let's just say she doesn't fall into that category.

Heather Graham just made my heart explode...

I don't know where Heather Graham has been hiding, but wherever that is, everyone should go there immediately because her secret hiding place is obviously the Foutain of Youth. No joke, if I were within 30 feet of this chick at this premiere, it would take the National Guard and unmanned drones armed with biological weapons to keep me from getting arrested. I haven't seen a hotter picture since Heidi came out of the shower the other night showing me how easily she could bend over and smile with her head between her legs...ok...maybe that didn't happen.

Like a moth to the flame...

Nothing she or you can do will prevent you from completely loving this chick. Honestly, this is the most charming beautiful celebrity in the history of the world. I would pay 2,000,000 dollars, give both my testicles to charity, and kick a dog all for a chance to be hungry for pizza this particular day in Santa Monica. I'm warning you that if you don't have time to watch the whole video, don't start it because once you do, it's completely impossible to turn away. Honest.

Standing next to Heidi makes everyone instantly ugly.

I know Marisa Miller is hot. I get it. Trust me, I do, but I just don't understand all the fuss about this girl. I mean, yeah, she's "All-American-California-Cheryl Tiegs-Christie Brinkley hot," but not by any stretch of the imagination is she in Heidi Klum's category. First of all, Heidi was born in 1973--Marisa in 1978. Since model years are like dog years, maybe worse, that difference equals ~10 years...just trust me it's a difficult and very complex calculus derivative measuring many variables. The point is quite simple though. Heidi Klum is not to compared to silly amateurish wannabe supermodels like Gisele "THE MAN" Bundchen, and Marisa "I Love Melanoma" Miller. Women as hot as her are only born once every 9,000 years. To fully understand the essence of beauty and rarity that is Heidi Klum, it would take a 40 year fellowship in philosophy from Socrates and Plato, a PhD in Astronomy from MIT, and 25 years in a maximum security facility for Felony Stalking.

I think there's a firestorm in my underoos.

Famous celebrity photographer, Russell James, recently drugged Heidi Klum, among other supermodels, stripped them down, got them dirty, got them wet...hold on(BRB)......regains breath......ok, and took their pictures for his new book and all I can think of is how much I hate Russell James. If I had known that straight people could photograph supermodels, I would've certainly been a professional supermodel photographer. What the hell were my guidance counselors doing? Why weren't they directing me toward my God given gifts and abilities. That's what happens when you grow up in a small town. Fashion magazines and Sport Illustrated swim suit issues were just figments of my community's imagination. Dammit, I should've branched out. Getting paid for watching models like Heidi strip down and roll around in the sand seems a little less like work and little more like a honeymoon in Maldives. I'm probably only going to leave this post up a few days for fear that everytime I access the page and see these pics, I'm going to black out, only to found I've awoken in a pool of my own sweat with my jeans shredded and bloody, like I've been simultaneously attacked by a pack of rabid starving wolverines and a werewolf.

Models have interrupted my Chi and ruined any chances for Feng Shui

I know Marisa Miller is attractive, but she is no Christie Brinkley. And by that, I mean, Christie Brinkley is like 50-something and smoking with blonde hair and decent skin. Marisa Miller has so much sun damage her face will look like a fried green tomato in 10 years. Her ginormous breasts will look like those weinie dog ballons that those ballon artists with painted faces blow up on the sidewalk and try to sell to little kids. Let's face it, she's a weathered 30 year old girl with a smoking body. Her face is pretty, but she's in no way Heidi, Adriana, or Karolina...she's just not. Maybe it's because she's American and not German, Russian or Brazilian. It seems logical to me. Despite all of this, I find these pictures, for now in her temporary hotness, very very intriguing. I would normally say something like, "I would wrap nematocysts from sea-wasps around my penis while running on top of broken bottles of staph infections and gonorrhea for a chance to be on the same beach as this chick." Instead, I'll say, "I like these pics, but knowing that she's a ticking time bomb of melanoma, excess skin and "liver" spots, I think I'm gonna pass on this Californian."

I want to audition for Project Runway...

I'm not quite sure how the eastern Europe, Scandinavia, and Germany have succeeded in breeding the most genetically superior females on earth, but I tip my hat to you, Mr. European scientist dude. Holy Toledo Ohio, the mission is accomplished. It's not even fair. Heidi Klum, master of the female gender and human race, just did a spread for GQ Deustchland, and lucky for me, they used an x-ray camera. After three kids, 35.5 years, and a SEAL, she reminds all women of her genetic superiority. Yeah, sure, there's airbrushing, but that's splitting hairs people. Don't be a hater. If you sprayed my junk with liquid nitrogen, temps would be in excess of 2300degrees Kelvin.

Can you really do this?

An Australian man was encouraged, according to him, to squander millions in a gambling spree in which the casinos knowingly targeted him due to his fat wallet and his inability to say no to his gambling demons. In a related story, today I filed suit against Heidi Klum, Marissa Miller and Cheryl Cole for their hotness and knowingly targeting my inability to say no to their internet pictures and all the secrets held by Victoria.

CANBERRA (Reuters) - "An Australian gambler who lost millions in a A$1.4 billion ($909 million) gaming spree is suing one of the country's largest casinos, claiming he was targeted by managers despite a known gambling addiction.

In a case which lawyers say could have implications stretching to China, gambling addict Harry Kakavas is suing Crown Casino in Melbourne for A$50 million damages after a mammoth 14-month baccarat binge in which he lost A$37 million.

At the time in 2007, property developer Kakavas had been barred from every casino in Australia.

But the Supreme Court in Victoria state was told that Crown's management did not "give a monkey's" about a prohibition in place since 2004, the Age newspaper said.

Supreme Court documents said Kakavas wore a concealed recorder that captured Crown managers allegedly attempting to lure him back to its riverside baccarat tables.

Crown is owned by Australian billionaire James Packer, who also operates Crown Macau and is developing a second casino project, The City of Dreams, in the Chinese territory. Last year the company reported profits of A$370 million.

"We have no intention of responding to the allegations made publicly. We are defending the action vigorously," Crown spokesman Gary O'Neill told Reuters.

Court documents in Melbourne alleged that emails detailed a Crown plan to lure back Kakavas after managers discovered he had lost millions of dollars gambling in Las Vegas.

If found guilty, Crown could be judged to have breached Australia's Trade Practices Act, state gambling regulations and special laws covering the high-profile casino's operation."