Welcome to Atlanta, where the playaz play...

On a scale of 1-10, Ray Edwards scored a 113.9 with this one. Atlanta Falcon defensive end, Ray Edwards, must have had one hell of a night with a stripper named...wait for it...LaStarya Thompson. Yes, I said LaSTARya. I mean why not LaDestinyya, or LaHopeya. The name is bad, deciding to get painted with a stripper is worse, but commissioning a 5X4ft painting can't just be done in minutes. He more than likely sobered up and was still like, "Hell yea...I want that painting above my couch. Come over and paint me and LaStarya wit my hand on her ass...and don't forget to give her a strong jawline and a face like a dude."

Come on, Big play RAY! You simply have to do better bro.

. Just adorable! So he comissioned an artist to make a five-feet wide and four-feet tall oil painting of him grabbing her ass on what looks to be a strip club sofa. What a lovely piece to hang over the mantle this holiday season.

The ambiguity of FAMILY seems crystal clear to me...why not you?

I know there will be many of you that read these words with austere eyes. There will be many that vehemently disagree with my position on this issue, and that's ok too. There was a lot of opposition in 1865, but can you imagine having this glorious country where ALL men (AND WOMEN) are created equal, any other way? There was opposition in the years that led up to the Civil Rights Act of 1964. It's 2011 and there are people in this country that are denied their God-given rights because of, in my personal belief, the way they were born. I think the speech from this young man is compelling and inspiring. This is a Gov't issue. This is more specifically a State's issue, not the Church's; because last I checked, none of us had any influence on His decisions. This seems like the most logical, most sensible conclusion, but hey, what do I know?

Meth head kidnapper sues victims...yep, you read that right.

A man who held a Kansas couple hostage in their home while fleeing from authorities is suing them, claiming that they broke an oral contract made when he promised them money in exchange for hiding him from police. The couple has asked a judge to dismiss the suit.

Jesse Dimmick of suburban Denver is serving an 11-year sentence after bursting into Jared and Lindsay Rowley's Topeka-area home in September 2009. He was wanted for questioning in the beating death of a Colorado man and a chase had begun.

This was his plea to the judge:

"I, the defendant, asked the Rowleys to hide me because I feared for my life. I offered the Rowleys an unspecified amount of money which they agreed upon, therefore forging a legally binding oral contract," Dimmick said in his hand-written court documents. He wants $235,000, in part to pay for the hospital bills that resulted from him being shot by police when they arrested him.

Neighbors have said that the couple fed Dimmick snacks and watched movies with him until he fell asleep and they were able to escape their home unharmed.

If this meth head had only done this in California, those out-of-touch liberals would've probably awarded him the money. I would love to be the judge while this guy said this to me with a straight face. I would be like, "Mr. Dimmick. First, are you serious?" Then I would look around with a half smile while I repeatedly asked the courtroom, Am I being Punk'd? No seriously...am I being Punk'd? Ashton? Ashton?" Then I would say, "You know what Mr Dimmick, here's what I'll do instead of awarded you 240,000 for breaking into a family's home and holding them hostage with a weapon. I'm gonna send you to jail. You see kidnapping, murder, breaking and entering are very serious crimes in the state of Colarado. Instead, I'm gonna let you work for this state for...whaddya say...20 years for free. How does that sound Mr Dimmick. Oh yeah, while you're in jail, no METH and you have to cut your hair. Yeah, that seems fair.

The attorney that fills out the paperwork for this case should be open hand slapped then disbarred. This country is so stupid it hurts.

Patrice Oneal RIP

While people like the Kardashians, Paris, and Lindsay, walk around this earth adding absolutely zero instrinsic value to humanity, comedic geniuses like Patrice Oneal die of strokes. I know it's widely said that God has a sense of humor, but in this case, I'm not laughing.

I dare you to watching this video and not laugh. This dude was funny.



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That's one way to do it...

I laughed out loud when I read this one. I think it's great. Only in college.

The simple difference between guys and girls

This one exchange of text messages summarizes how differently men and women approach relationships, work, and life.

Yo momma's on crack rock...

29 year old Juliette Dunn was spending the day doing what any average mom would do. She got up, dressed her kids (a 4 year old and a 10 month old), took them to the park, and forced them to drink beer. Oh, I forgot to mention that the 10 month old tested positive for cocaine. Authorities were tipped off when someone in the park saw some very “wtf” behavior coming from Juliette.

Juliette Dunn, of Bridgeport, pleaded guilty Wednesday to risk of injury to a child under the Alford Doctrine, where the defendant doesn’t agree to the facts but agrees the state has enough evidence to win a conviction.

The hideous looking creature in other picture is her “companion” whatever the hell that means. To me, it means disgusting, but hey, it's not my vagina.

A companion, 33-year-old Lisa Jefferson, pleaded guilty to the same charges. Police say officers were waved down in June by a neighbor who complained that a woman was feeding children beer at a playground...and cocaine apparently.

The two kids were turned over to the Department of Children and Families which is really the only logical sentence I've read or typed in 10 minutes. What's amazing to me is that prior to Juliette's arrest for like, almost everything, she was able to vote. There's no way in 33 hells she held a job. I mean, let's be honest, if you feed your 10 month old beer and cocaine, you're an "I don't work." It's comically tragic to me that people are confused why our country is so effed up.

Scattered Smothered and Covered

21 year old Taco Bell employee, Erica Wilson, wanted to be more than just f*ck buddies with her first cousin, 32 year old Jesse Brooks. Brooks, who had been drinking Everclear grain alcohol, apparently did not want to be tied down.

Brooks “began to touch her suggestively and stated that ‘he wanted her.’” In response, Wilson told her cousin that she “wanted a relationship and did not want to be ‘A Booty Call,’” according to a Hawkins County Sheriff’s Office report.

Oh goody! Here comes the good part.

The aforementioned comment allegedly infuriated Brooks, who began cursing at Wilson, and then allegedly knocked her to the kitchen floor with a flurry of punches. Fighting back, Wilson grabbed a pair of scissors and slashed away at her cousin’s face, neck, arms, and back.

Holy Waffle House, I love white trash. You could make a story out of every portion of this story and it would be amazing. Instead, you get cousins, Taco Bell, scissors, violence, attempted rape, attempted murder...I mean what's not to love? There are a lot of positives about growing up in the south, like the church influence and good gospel spirituals, homemade biscuits and cornbread, tobacco, red clay, bourbon, small towns, big families, momma, trains, trucks, prisons, gettin' drunk, fishin', fightin', and cow tippin', but out of all that, it's almost erased by inbread cousins chasing each other around their house with wheels and brake lights and cinderblock steps, trying to kill one another after one turns the other down during a light night drunken booty call. Erica beat that ass.

What's the lesson? If you're gonna hook up with your cousin during late night, make sure you put your bandana over her nose and mouth first, and ask her if it smells like chloroform.

Ten minutes till Wapner...

When I think of having children, I hope for their happiness, for ease of life, for intelligence. I don't think of Rain Man. I'm not sure I would hope for this. This poor little boy seem tortured. Like most geniuses, he seems like he's always bordering on insanity, like he's a madman. I wonder if he has mild Asberger's. Regardless, this story is amazing. It wouldn't surprise me if he ends up a schizophrenic. Watch the video. It's mind boggling.

Hurdles like a BOSS.

Most people would watch this video and immediately think he's the worst athlete in the entire world. As a guy that takes pride in marching to the beat of a different drum, I think this guy is a legend of track and field. Do you know how difficult it would be to run through five hurdles, leaving in your wake pieces of them flying through the air as you prepare yourself for the next obstacle. This asian dude is like a Track and Field Ninja. Not only does he decimate the hurdles, he never falls. Then like bosses do, he says, "eff it," and decides to run in his opponent's lane, as if he hadn't already reeked enough havoc. You can just tell, this dude doesn't give one damn. He's a bad ass.

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain...

Im so disturbed by this video, I don't even know where to start. This bald dude has one of the creepiest "get ups" I've ever seen. It's like a balding fat ballerina from a kung fu movie. Come to think of it, it's like a fat Asian version of that Blind Melon video, No Rain, if you put the little fat girl in a pink ballerina costume instead of a bumblebee. It would be creepy enough to stop there, but no, this dude's eyes will rob your soul before you know it. Then, add the dirty, seedy restaurant in the background and then the whole deep throating of the beer mug in order to chug it properly and you've got Sandusky alert level 9. I feel like if you watch this video, it'll be like The Ring, in that ballerina will come through the screen and murder you.

Adriana Lima makes my heart go pitty pat...

Adriana Lima, officially one of the most beautiful women of all time (I judged), released the workout and diet regiment she adheres to in order to prepare herself for the annual Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. Needless to say, upon its release, women all across the United States were heard in unison saying under their breath, "Bitch." I get it, I guess...actually, no I don't. I mean, she is Brazilian, after all, which is basically like being a Terminator built by Skynet, or a superhero from Krypton. It's obvious, especially in regard to beauty, and maybe soccer, the Brazilians are light years ahead of most countries. I know exactly what I'm gonna hear from most women about not only this diet and workout regiment, but how they don't want to look like this because "she's too thin," or she's " too skinny" or "she looks unhealthy" or "she's not a real woman. She needs some meat on her bones." Well allow me to retort. This is all woman. She has meat on her bones and it's all in the right places. Obesity isn't the object of men, unless of course you suffer from Feederism. Staying in shape is hard. Going to the fridge for celery instead of ice cream sucks, but blood pressure meds and diabetes are worse. Balancing family, work, and exercise is tough, but my sister has four kids all involved in sports and works, yet she can manage, so I don't have much tolerance for apathy or laziness. This diet is a little extreme, sure, but so is body building training. I find discipline like this admirable. If everyone were willing to go the extra mile to be at the top of his/her respective games, we wouldn't have so many drowning in mediocrity.

Adriana Lima's Diet for the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show
-Lima sees her personal nutritionist who has records of her body’s muscle mass, fat ratio, and levels of water retention.
-The nutritionist then prescribes protein shakes, vitamins, and supplements to help keep Lima from crashing during her training period. She also takes in a gallon of water a day.
-For the nine days before the big Victoria’s Secret show, Lima will only drink protein shakes which have a primary base of powdered eggs. She’s barred from eating solid foods.
-Two days before the show, Lima stops the gallon of water each day and drinks based solely upon need.
-Twelve hours before the show, Lima cuts off all liquid intake to lean out.

Frank Miller FTW

Frank Miller is a 54 year old comic book artist/creator, film director, and screenwriter, with blockbusters under his belt like, 300, Sin City and the Spirit, which are all pretty much kick ass. He's also responsible for the dark direction the latest Batman movies have taken, which make those sissy ones with Michael Keaton seem, well, like Michael Keaton starred in them. Irrespective of his Hollywood success, it seems he's dodged the constant barrage of Hollywood elitism and narcissism conveniently disguised as liberalism, and kept his rational thought. Rarely there's a time when I'm surprised by Hollywood. You see, "outliers" in Hollywood are usually castigated into oblivion. There's only been a few successful non democrat filmmakers in the last ten years. One of those is a racist maniac that deserved everything he got, but that's for another blog. This is about Frank Miller and his assessment of the Wall Street Occupiers. He just got infinitely more awesome.

Everybody’s been too damn polite about this nonsense:
“Occupy” is nothing but a pack of louts, thieves, and rapists, an unruly mob, fed by Woodstock-era nostalgia and putrid false righteousness. These clowns can do nothing but harm America.
This is no popular uprising. This is garbage.
Maybe, between bouts of self-pity and all the other tasty tidbits of narcissism you’ve been served up in your sheltered, comfy little worlds, you’ve heard terms like al-Qaeda and Islamicism.
And this enemy of mine — not of yours, apparently - must be getting a dark chuckle, if not an outright horselaugh - out of your vain, childish, self-destructive spectacle.
In the name of decency, go home to your parents, you losers.

Don't forget to pack up your Ipods, IPads, Mac Book Airs, Mac Book Pros, and your Iphones on your way to get treated for tuberculosis. Morons. This video is from the Howard Stern Show. He's a Democrat btw.

The Sandusky Home: A majestic view for pedophiles.

Jerry Sandusky, the rapist enabled by Penn State coaches and officials, had his house vandalized. It seems a large object was thrown through his window, which is now covered by a sheet. As much of a monster as this guy is, the person that did that should be thrown in jail. Violence is never the answer. Unless cutting this guy's nuts off is in the cards. Call me crazy, but the person I feel most sorry for, aside from the innocent boys of course, is Sandusky's wife, assuming she knew nothing of his alternative existence. If women can be married to serial killers for 25 years, one would have to imagine hiding pedophilia would certainly be possible. It would be horrible being in your 60's and married to man for years to learn he's been a thief of the innocence of young boys for at least 10 years. Satan will have a special room in hell for this guy. Until then, or until he's sentenced to spend the rest of miserable, worthless life in jail where pedophiles are treated by fellow inmates the way the law won't allow them to be treated outside of prison, his house sits adjacent to.....wait for it....a school. His window overlooks a school playground. You can't make this stuff up. At 5:00am this morning, as I was on my way to work and listening to Howard Stern, he said something seemingly obvious. If you have enough money to have a much better view, since most people desire landscapes of mountains or water, and your view is a school playground, you should be investigated by the FBI because there's a solid chance you rape boys in the shower. Just sayin'.

SNL has a flash of brilliance.

No one can rival my disdain for SNL over the last few years. I find it barely creative, remotely imaginative, and painfully unfunny; however, this week, amidst a storm of controversy surrounding Penn State, they managed to hit a home run. They do an amazing job of putting in perspective how ridiculous every action, or lack thereof, was at the expense of the innocence and purity of children. If you're a defender of these despicable actions, get a clue...yes, you, Penn State students.

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Nittany Lions

Dear Penn State,

How can this ordeal come as a surprise to anyone? For what, 60 or so years you've had JoePa tied to that program, racking up a collection of hardware including Big Ten titles and National Championships. I would think child rape by a defensive coordinator wouldn't classify as one of those accolades, but maybe I'm wrong. You fire a man that clearly knew about these despicable allegations of RAPE and you riot? WTF is wrong with you idiots? Let's call this what it is, because sexual abuse is hardly enough. Having sexual intercourse with innocent boys in a shower against their will is called rape. Using your football camp to lure young boys into a pool so you can brush yourself against them is sexual abuse. He did both, among other things. For many years Penn State has been a bleeding program, holding on to one of the top rungs of a weak and anemic conference that hasn't been dominant, top to bottom, in a long time. JoePa has been a seemingly out-of-touch figure head, so to speak, for a program that needed to fire him, but didn't have the heart or the know how. All I needed to know about either the state of mind, or the integrity, hopefully the former, of Joe Paterno, was revealed to me the day after this story broke and instead of preparing a speech that could attempt to apologize for the unspeakable actions of a coach on his staff, over a 10 year period, that he knew about and participated in the cover up, he led a Penn State fight song/chant. Seriously JoePa? Boys were molested and raped for 10+ years, maybe more and you lead the students and press in a fight song? Youre either completely senile, or youre an asshole. Either way, you got what you deserved. Somewhere for the past 10 years, who knows how many young boys, victims of your program, have probably been on the edge of life and death, while you wandered aimlessly up and down the sidelines trying to outlast Bobby Bowden. What a selfish prick. What a narcissistic son-of-bitch. Your coach will get what he deserves, hopefully from an angry parent because if it were my son, he wouldn't breathe another breath of life on this earth, but if not, he'll pay for those actions sooner or later. The only thing that could make this story better for me would be if Sandusky got gang raped and murdered in prison and the NCAA took away all wins from JoePa during this era. I know it won't happen but I hate to see that dick head at the top in wins.

We can skin a buck, we can run a trotline

I was discussing the upcoming game between the Bayou Tigers and the fat rednecks from Alabama today and we couldn't remember a bigger midseason inner conference game, ever. This will be like two pro teams playing. Anyway, Sidney McGough, is a cheerleader for the Tide and not only is she pretty cute, but she's a wildlife manager. I'm sure PETA hates her, but how much would your dad love this chick? Sidney, despite me enjoying your tomboyish approach to your early 20's, I'm gonna say, I've got LSU -3.

The Body Issue deserves an ESPY

I usually don't see the value of anything using the print medium, but ESPN gets it. Not only have they created, perfected, and reinvented themselves and their business model hundreds of times, but they constantly expand themselves and their brand to succeed in arenas in which other people fail miserably. Unlike Playboy who claims to do nudity tastefully and artistically, ESPN the Magazine actually succeeds. Their annual "Body" Issue is an amazingly tasteful and raw look at the human form. It just so happens these human forms are among the most elite athletes, with the most scultpted bodies in the world. If you haven't seen this issue, do so. Nonetheless, this is Olympic gymnast, Alicia Sacramone. I'm not into girls like this normally, but for some reason, it doesn't get much sexier than these pictures.

Im gna take you by surprise and make you realize amanda.

Hollywood is so stupid. They propel talentless hideous sea donkeys to stardom while girls like Amanda, are left picking up the scraps with roles like Red Riding Hood. Amanda Seyfried is not only one of Hollywood's young talanted starlets, she's super hot. Granted, she's more pale than me, but she's still hot. If you haven't seen Chloe, get it asap. Trust me, you'll thank me later. Since you asked, I'm not a huge breast guy. For me, it's A$$ and legs. That's where Amanda makes my head spin like a top. Geez OH Pete these are some sticks to write about. I'll stop now though, since things just took a turn to Creepyville.

And we wonder what's wrong with America....holy smokes.

The arrest of a drug smuggler in Eagle Pass, Texas has put the arresting officer, Jesus “Chito” Diaz, behind bars for two years. The Mexican government pushed for the prosecution after Homeland Security investigated and exonerated Diaz for any wrong doing. The Obama administration prosecuted him on charges of “civil rights” violations and lying to investigators (but…but…Homeland Security cleared him). Chito is a seven-year veteran of the Border Patrol.

The 15-year-old drug smuggler was not only given immunity, he was given citizenship to this country, despite admitting he lied to the jury...oh, and was busted smuggling 70 lbs of pot. Almost forgot that tidbit.

I'm so sickened by this story I can hardly speak. First, if Jesus Diaz broke the law, he should be penalized; however, we're talking about an arrest of a drug dealer with 70 lbs of pot. This is a guy that protects our country everyday along the Mexican American border, which is increasingly violent and unforgiving. I can't fathom a US Attorney agreeing to grant a drug dealing, illegal, citizenship. WTF is wrong with these people? How can we expect to protect our borders when we send the officers that protect us from very dangerous drug dealers, to jail? This is the most ridiculous story I have heard in months. Honestly, it's almost reached the point where I'm often disappointed, never surprised, and rarely proud of any decision the United States Government makes. I really really really hope that in 2012, people go to the polls, and like Brewster's Millions, vote D, None of the Above. Our two party political system needs an enema.