Saturday, March 10, 2012

SJP is a true beauty.



Allegedly, Paris Fashion Week just wrapped up last week. If you were an alien from another universe and those words were spoken with the included picture, you would assume Paris Fashion Week was something involving tortuous rabid centaurs that had come to wipe out all life on planet Earth. I could live to 219 years old and I wouldn't understand how this chick is famous, or better yet, considered a fashion icon. The reason I know men will never, ever understand women is because women's heart rates increase at the thought of a new Sex and the City movie coming out and men would rather cut off our penises than be forced to watch this horse-looking atrocity portray a hot chick in New York that gets laid by millionaires fighting over her. I've seen more believable stories at Obama campaign rallies.

Überraschung!!!!!!!!!!!



I woke up this morning to an email from Heidi. It read (adorable German accent)
"Trey, I had a friend take some photos of me last week. I just wanted you to know how much I miss you're sexy body and charming wit. I'm coming over tonight with sauerkraut...you bring the sausage."

P.S. Don't listen to the tabloids....I love your pasty skin.

Love,

Heidi <3


Well...

Seal 0 Trey Yearwood 1

Reasons I hate Chris Brown (part 6,254)




This picture was uploaded to Chris Brown's Twitter earlier this week with the caption, "Which COLOR today?"

Honestly, Chris Brown is barely literate. If you're wondering who the dumbest person on Earth is, do yourself a favor and take a gander at his Twitter account. It looks like John Wilkes Boothe and Lee Harvey Oswald got together in an attempt to assassinate the English language once and for all. Two years ago, Chris Brown, because he beat his girlfriend's ASS like a little bitch would, almost lost everything. ALMOST. Instead, idiots in this country "Forgave" him for his mistake. A mistake is running a stop sign. A mistake isn't THIS. Two years later though, after being so sorry for his mistakes and being so busy feeling sorry for his appalling behavior, he buys two identical Lambo's and a couple of Ferrari's. If you have purchased any of CB's music in the last two years, please never speak to me or read this blog. You suck too.

RG3 > Andrew Luck


If any of you watched the NFL Combine, you're acutely aware of not only how ridiculously athletic RG3 is, but how much skill he has for playing QB in the NFL. Personally, I think he's gonna be everything Michael Vick's athleticism promised, but his IQ couldn't deliver.

What pisses me off about all the coaches and rich white owners in the NFL is how they all inflated Andrew Luck's combine performance. They raved about how his athleticism shocked everyone because they clocked him at a 4.5. Well, a 4.5 is fast, but his official time wasn't anywhere close to that. RG3 has every bit of skill Andrew Luck has, strong arm, great footwork, phenom QB mechanics, a great head, and disgusting athleticism. Andrew Luck, because he went to Stanford, is placed on this Caucasian pedestal because he reminds them of someone that once played at Stanford and turned out to be a pretty good QB. He's no Elway. The combine commentators were all comparing Luck's athleticism to Cam Newton. One word, PUHHHHHLEASE. Luck is a great QB. He's a very intelligent player. He, too, has great footwork...oh, and he's white and played at Stanford. Time will tell the true story, I suppose. I think both QB's will be good. One will be great and I think that's Griffin. He's a once in 20 years athlete. I can't wait to watch him light up the NFC.

Oh and if you see the image above running toward you like this, you're more than likely an actor in a predator sequel and you're about to die.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Lindsay Lohan is stunning....and hosting SNL tonight.


Jimmy fallon is damn funny, not to mention extremely talented. Anyway, he had Lindsay Lohan on this week to promote her hosting SNL. Personally, I can't wait because the rumor has it that she will be doing parodies of herself all night. My prediction is she'll remind us why everyone loved her like 20,000 kilos and a new set of veneers ago.

P.S. Im pretty sure Jimmy Fallon does Neil Young better than Neil Young.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Poor Jen...

Jennifer Aniston's new movie, Wanderlust, opened this weekend to a typical Aniston performance...dead last. She's such an idiot. She's like 40 something and the only thing she has going for her is a smoking body. Her face has seen more knives than Nicole Brown Simpson, so I refuse to give her credit for that. She was rumored to have a nude scene in the movie, but because she's an A-List star, who the hell knows why, she gets final cut and decided to scrap the scene before its release. It wouldn't have done much to help since the movie earned less than a sequel starring Nic Cage. How bad does a movie have to be to lose to Nic Cage. I could make a movie on my iPhone that could outperform Nic Cage. Regardless, to add insult to painful injury, Angelina showed up to the Oscars and looked like this:



If you're a woman and you're reading this, you just called Jolie a slut. If you're a guy, you probably just masturbated.

Precious 2.0



Melissa McCarthy, the funny chick from Bridesmaids, showed up to the Oscars last night in this Broadway stage curtain. Let me guess, she's comfortable in her skin and she owned it. Wrong. Let me stop you there. The only thing getting OWNED is her knees and ankles and her arteries from the elevated cholesterol. I watched the Oscars last night, which holy crap, I wish I had that three hours back. The only thing more painful than Billy Crystals pun-filled so-called comedy, was Brad Pitt saying "screw it" and rocking the Rachel Green hair cut. I digress. Everyone made such a HUGE (pardon the pun) deal about Melissa McCarthy and how beautiful she looked. Bullshit. The same people that gushed about how gorgeous she looked, would be chasing Oxy with Drano if they looked like that. I don't care if she eats her way to Mars, but what annoys me is Hollywood in one breath, being the most superficial town in the world, while in the other, telling fatties like Melissa she's stunningly beautiful. It's cruel. The joke's on her. She's no different than Jonah Hill 80lbs ago, or Chris Farley. She's the fat funny girl. Hollywood sucks my nuts.

missed you...



It's been a while since we've spoken. If you cared, which you don't, but if you did, you would remember that sometime last year, I promised that I would do a better job of entertaining you with my offensive and perspicacious rhetoric; alas, I failed. Regardless, I am pulling myself out of retirement because I miss vomiting my cynicism and demanding that my opinions be substantiated. That's where you come in...see you soon.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

If you're wondering what's wrong with the Republican Party, watch this video.



Im not even sure where to start with this train wreck of a human being. First of all, lose the Brokeback Mountain/Heath Ledger costume while you're denigrating the gay community...it's in very poor taste and disrespectful to a phenomenal actor. Second, while you're trying to find your place in the race for the Presidency, you should try identifying with the people that have the ability to elect you in between looking for just one articulate thought. Holy smokes this guy is an imbecile. I've been sitting here for a few minutes trying my best to think of the audience he's trying to target and besides the ultra right wing Christians, I'm at a loss. I feel like I'm a relatively dynamic person, with a large variety of friends, yet I don't know one person that thinks like this nimrod. If you cast your vote for this guy, please do me a favor and never, ever, for the rest of your miserable life, speak or communicate with me.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Talk about more than you bargained for...


Arbroath – A man in Bulawayo’s Nkulumane 5 suburb got the shock of his life after a commercial sex worker he allegedly called to his hotel room turned out to be his daughter. Mr Titus Ncube is said to have collapsed while the 20-year-old daughter bolted after seeing her father. Mr Ncube last week pleaded with reporters not to publish the story. “I am sorry for what I did. I spoke to my wife and my daughter. I apologised for my actions because I just wanted my family back,” he said. The father of three revealed he forgave his daughter for being a commercial sex worker and hired a therapist to counsel her. “I don’t blame my daughter for what happened and what she was doing. I feel it was her way of expressing her feelings about the problems in my family,” he said. “She has stopped that and is going back to school next year. My marital problems are not over, but we have a marriage counsellor who is helping us to get over this most difficult period in our marriage.” His wife, Rosemary, said: “If it were not for my children, I could have divorced him a long time ago. But because I know the trauma that divorce has on children, I made a decision to stay.”

Yeah sure, Rosemary, stay together for the kids because everything has gone great so far. Your daughter is a whore. Your husband is a JOHN. Your husband is your daughter's JOHN. What are the odds really? One of the greatest stories of all time. If you call the escort service and ask for the "bottom bitch on the track that night" (for you rookies that's whore-talk for bottom bitch=number #1 earning whore and the track is the areas all your whores work), and when she comes to the door, after paying top dollars, it's your daughter, I'm not sure what would keep you from turning and running and diving through the hotel window. As a man, nothing could even come close.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Welcome to Atlanta, where the playaz play...



On a scale of 1-10, Ray Edwards scored a 113.9 with this one. Atlanta Falcon defensive end, Ray Edwards, must have had one hell of a night with a stripper named...wait for it...LaStarya Thompson. Yes, I said LaSTARya. I mean why not LaDestinyya, or LaHopeya. The name is bad, deciding to get painted with a stripper is worse, but commissioning a 5X4ft painting can't just be done in minutes. He more than likely sobered up and was still like, "Hell yea...I want that painting above my couch. Come over and paint me and LaStarya wit my hand on her ass...and don't forget to give her a strong jawline and a face like a dude."

Come on, Big play RAY! You simply have to do better bro.

. Just adorable! So he comissioned an artist to make a five-feet wide and four-feet tall oil painting of him grabbing her ass on what looks to be a strip club sofa. What a lovely piece to hang over the mantle this holiday season.

The ambiguity of FAMILY seems crystal clear to me...why not you?

I know there will be many of you that read these words with austere eyes. There will be many that vehemently disagree with my position on this issue, and that's ok too. There was a lot of opposition in 1865, but can you imagine having this glorious country where ALL men (AND WOMEN) are created equal, any other way? There was opposition in the years that led up to the Civil Rights Act of 1964. It's 2011 and there are people in this country that are denied their God-given rights because of, in my personal belief, the way they were born. I think the speech from this young man is compelling and inspiring. This is a Gov't issue. This is more specifically a State's issue, not the Church's; because last I checked, none of us had any influence on His decisions. This seems like the most logical, most sensible conclusion, but hey, what do I know?

Meth head kidnapper sues victims...yep, you read that right.




A man who held a Kansas couple hostage in their home while fleeing from authorities is suing them, claiming that they broke an oral contract made when he promised them money in exchange for hiding him from police. The couple has asked a judge to dismiss the suit.

Jesse Dimmick of suburban Denver is serving an 11-year sentence after bursting into Jared and Lindsay Rowley's Topeka-area home in September 2009. He was wanted for questioning in the beating death of a Colorado man and a chase had begun.

This was his plea to the judge:

"I, the defendant, asked the Rowleys to hide me because I feared for my life. I offered the Rowleys an unspecified amount of money which they agreed upon, therefore forging a legally binding oral contract," Dimmick said in his hand-written court documents. He wants $235,000, in part to pay for the hospital bills that resulted from him being shot by police when they arrested him.

Neighbors have said that the couple fed Dimmick snacks and watched movies with him until he fell asleep and they were able to escape their home unharmed.

If this meth head had only done this in California, those out-of-touch liberals would've probably awarded him the money. I would love to be the judge while this guy said this to me with a straight face. I would be like, "Mr. Dimmick. First, are you serious?" Then I would look around with a half smile while I repeatedly asked the courtroom, Am I being Punk'd? No seriously...am I being Punk'd? Ashton? Ashton?" Then I would say, "You know what Mr Dimmick, here's what I'll do instead of awarded you 240,000 for breaking into a family's home and holding them hostage with a weapon. I'm gonna send you to jail. You see kidnapping, murder, breaking and entering are very serious crimes in the state of Colarado. Instead, I'm gonna let you work for this state for...whaddya say...20 years for free. How does that sound Mr Dimmick. Oh yeah, while you're in jail, no METH and you have to cut your hair. Yeah, that seems fair.

The attorney that fills out the paperwork for this case should be open hand slapped then disbarred. This country is so stupid it hurts.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Patrice Oneal RIP

While people like the Kardashians, Paris, and Lindsay, walk around this earth adding absolutely zero instrinsic value to humanity, comedic geniuses like Patrice Oneal die of strokes. I know it's widely said that God has a sense of humor, but in this case, I'm not laughing.

I dare you to watching this video and not laugh. This dude was funny.



Facebookers, go here:

www.exposedandnaked.blogspot.com

Thursday, November 17, 2011

That's one way to do it...



I laughed out loud when I read this one. I think it's great. Only in college.

The simple difference between guys and girls



This one exchange of text messages summarizes how differently men and women approach relationships, work, and life.

Yo momma's on crack rock...





29 year old Juliette Dunn was spending the day doing what any average mom would do. She got up, dressed her kids (a 4 year old and a 10 month old), took them to the park, and forced them to drink beer. Oh, I forgot to mention that the 10 month old tested positive for cocaine. Authorities were tipped off when someone in the park saw some very “wtf” behavior coming from Juliette.

Juliette Dunn, of Bridgeport, pleaded guilty Wednesday to risk of injury to a child under the Alford Doctrine, where the defendant doesn’t agree to the facts but agrees the state has enough evidence to win a conviction.

The hideous looking creature in other picture is her “companion” whatever the hell that means. To me, it means disgusting, but hey, it's not my vagina.

A companion, 33-year-old Lisa Jefferson, pleaded guilty to the same charges. Police say officers were waved down in June by a neighbor who complained that a woman was feeding children beer at a playground...and cocaine apparently.

The two kids were turned over to the Department of Children and Families which is really the only logical sentence I've read or typed in 10 minutes. What's amazing to me is that prior to Juliette's arrest for like, almost everything, she was able to vote. There's no way in 33 hells she held a job. I mean, let's be honest, if you feed your 10 month old beer and cocaine, you're an "I don't work." It's comically tragic to me that people are confused why our country is so effed up.

Scattered Smothered and Covered



21 year old Taco Bell employee, Erica Wilson, wanted to be more than just f*ck buddies with her first cousin, 32 year old Jesse Brooks. Brooks, who had been drinking Everclear grain alcohol, apparently did not want to be tied down.

Brooks “began to touch her suggestively and stated that ‘he wanted her.’” In response, Wilson told her cousin that she “wanted a relationship and did not want to be ‘A Booty Call,’” according to a Hawkins County Sheriff’s Office report.

Oh goody! Here comes the good part.

The aforementioned comment allegedly infuriated Brooks, who began cursing at Wilson, and then allegedly knocked her to the kitchen floor with a flurry of punches. Fighting back, Wilson grabbed a pair of scissors and slashed away at her cousin’s face, neck, arms, and back.

Holy Waffle House, I love white trash. You could make a story out of every portion of this story and it would be amazing. Instead, you get cousins, Taco Bell, scissors, violence, attempted rape, attempted murder...I mean what's not to love? There are a lot of positives about growing up in the south, like the church influence and good gospel spirituals, homemade biscuits and cornbread, tobacco, red clay, bourbon, small towns, big families, momma, trains, trucks, prisons, gettin' drunk, fishin', fightin', and cow tippin', but out of all that, it's almost erased by inbread cousins chasing each other around their house with wheels and brake lights and cinderblock steps, trying to kill one another after one turns the other down during a light night drunken booty call. Erica beat that ass.

What's the lesson? If you're gonna hook up with your cousin during late night, make sure you put your bandana over her nose and mouth first, and ask her if it smells like chloroform.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Ten minutes till Wapner...



When I think of having children, I hope for their happiness, for ease of life, for intelligence. I don't think of Rain Man. I'm not sure I would hope for this. This poor little boy seem tortured. Like most geniuses, he seems like he's always bordering on insanity, like he's a madman. I wonder if he has mild Asberger's. Regardless, this story is amazing. It wouldn't surprise me if he ends up a schizophrenic. Watch the video. It's mind boggling.

Hurdles like a BOSS.



Most people would watch this video and immediately think he's the worst athlete in the entire world. As a guy that takes pride in marching to the beat of a different drum, I think this guy is a legend of track and field. Do you know how difficult it would be to run through five hurdles, leaving in your wake pieces of them flying through the air as you prepare yourself for the next obstacle. This asian dude is like a Track and Field Ninja. Not only does he decimate the hurdles, he never falls. Then like bosses do, he says, "eff it," and decides to run in his opponent's lane, as if he hadn't already reeked enough havoc. You can just tell, this dude doesn't give one damn. He's a bad ass.