Instructions on how to murder hotness.

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This is what happens when Sport Illustrated Swimsuit cover models lose their minds and succumb to a raging sea of estrogen and uberconfidence telling them they'll still be the object of desire for millions of men with short hair. Sorry Brooklyn, but you couldn't be more wrong. We've gone over this...for the love of God. Ladies...let's recap: Being a hot female is the most valuable commodity on Earth. That aforementioned hotness is accentuated with long hair. Why do men like long hair? It's because millions of years of evolution tell us that long hair is evident of a healthier female whose more likely to successfully pass on our genes. It's very simple. I just don;t get the short hair. Save the short hair when you take up golf, start playing bridge or join the women on Wednesday for quilting. Short hair works perfect for women in those activities. I'll tell you where it doesn't work...for models and girls I want to have sex with. Is Brooklyn still pretty, yes. Is she still the object of my desire, not for at least 8 more months. This is the worst American Tragedy since Theodore Dreiser wrote about one.


This is how she used to torture me.

Eyes like the azure sky...

This is exactly why Andy Roddick couldn't give two sh!ts about winning grand slam tennis titles. This is also why he absolutely owns Roger Federer in every possible way that really matters. Much to my delight, Roddick's wife, Brooklyn Decker, is the cover model for this year's SI Swim Suit issue. In a related story, 100 million women just opened another carton of ice cream. Girls this pretty actually cause me physical pain. For instance, today, I spent 9 hours working out Punnet Squares on my computer in an attempt to recreate eyes this blue. The closest I could come was this. If you're looking at this and saying, "That's gross. She's too skinny." I would say to you...actually, I wouldn't say anything to you, but you already knew that.

My head just exploded.

Every estrogen ridden female in the world will celebrate their favorite holiday this week as Valentine's Day rears its ugly head. While all you morons are paying double, even triple the normal price for roses, chocolate, lame ass stuffed animals and stupid strawberries, I'll be boycotting this shit out of this stupid commercially construed celebration of women's desire to be doted on and men's insatiable desire to get laid. To me, February 14 is two things: An indication of how stupid you are is directly proportional to how much overpriced goods you buy and send to your girlfriend's work so she can display to everyone how much she's truly loved. The other thing, is the release of the annual Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. This part of the holiday is so deep and rewarding. It goes beyond just superficial metaphors of love and admiration. It's a selfless, benevolent, exposed, and forgiving depiction of devotion and partnership. It's love's synergy with mother nature, personified. As you can see, not unlike most issues, this year delivered big time. Ladies, if you want to make your spouse happy, take a picture of yourself and airbrush it until it looks like this. Trust me, he'll be happy.

Abbey Clancy, a photographed coke head, WAG, model, full time rocket, did every guy in the world a favor and sat nude for the ever-rewarding bikini painting/paint-on session. Honestly, if she asked, I would steal 20 kilos of cocaine from Pablo Escobar himself, smuggle it to the United States in my colon, and sell it in PEZ dispensers on the White House lawn for one chance with this chick. If Abbey filled out a US tax form, her W-2 should simply read: Relationship Assassin. She's so pretty, I just conceived.

Baaaaaaaaring!

I know Leonardo Dicaprio pulls more women than anyone on Earth, but honestly, his last two girls, Gisele (Im a dude with an adam's apple) Bundchen and this Bar Raphealllliwhatever, I'm just not sold on. These two chicks are the reason the phrase Butter Face was invented. Obviously, their bodies are nearly perfect, but when you're Jack effing Dawson, you could have anyone. He gets laid on a sinking ship for crying out loud. I guess she's ok, but for the cover? SI swung for the fence, but they missed and they're just spinning around in the batters box like those kids that suck at baseball. I'm disappointed.

What's wrong with Brooklyn Decker?