Hershey’s makes millions of Kisses each day. I’m just asking for one.

Christina Hendricks will light a red carpet on fire. When I say light on fire, I mean people will self immulate just so they don't look directly into the eyes of the beast. Someone once told me this girl was like, "1950's voluptuous pretty." So, based on that sentence, I deduce that in the 50's men liked women that looked like hideous sea donkey hybrids of sterility and eminent death, or just red heads that can cripple all-you-can-eat buffets. Either way, I'm so glad me and my penis didn't grow up in the 50's cause we would've been so pissed. In the words of Jackie Martling, this chick is a two bagger. One bag on her head and one on mine in case hers falls off. If this can be a sex symbol in Hollywood, that town is even more pathetic than I thought.

Sea Donkeys exhibit convergent evolution

Seeing this rare amphibious species in the wild is a true anomoly. It's like seeing a Liger, the Sasquatch, the Lochness Monster, or the giant squid. I attribute its sighting to three things. One, I'm an insanely talented photographer. Two, to being both notorious and very lucky. And three, as you can see, this seadonkey-like species has evolved indepently of common primates, yet walks upright, is pentadactyl, and even eats and drinks without the heard. Although mating habits are unknown, it appears human in basic morphology, but neneath the surface this is an animal completely unpredictable and very dangerous as it uses its massive, gargantuan size to ram, bully, most assuredly kill other members of the herd much like a Hippo. This rare and dangerous creature is a true evolutionary enigma to scientists everywhere. I am a lover of all of God's creatures, but this is like trying to identify a three toed sloth, the monkfish, Almiqui, Ayer-ayer, The Philippine Tarsier, and last but certainly not least, the The Star-Nosed Mole all mixed together...it's almost humanly impossible. Binomial Nomenclature can only take you so far. Thanks for nothing Carlos Linnaeus. My vote for the most hideous nightmare inducing creature of 2009...the seadonkey...by a country mile.

Pam Anderson is a natural, stunning beauty.

The average human is made of 75 trillion cells. In 5 seconds, you lose 50,000 cells. I'm guessing Pam is losing them at a much more alarming rate. She looks like a cross between a Duck-billed platypus, Herpes, and Sloth from Goonies. If this opened the door to a little boy for Halloween, I'm pretty sure the he would ask her who she's dressed as...because he loves her costume. You could put her picture on a meth makeover billboard and you would never second guess its validity.