Speaking of skinny chicks...oh wait nevermind.

Scarlett Johansson went jogging with her walking cadaver of a boyfriend, Sean Penn, and many of the blogs erupted with rumors she was preggers. Well, it turns out, she's just fat. According to her publicist (read: damage controller), she has been training for six months for her new movie and is in the best shape of her life. I truly don't even know how to respond to that except by saying, "either fire your trainer or fire your publicist." It's amazing how fast a girl can go downhill. One day you're married to the People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive, Ryan Reynolds, and starring in the Iron Man franchise, and the next minute you're disguising your stomach as a human growing inside you by being a competitive eating champion. Couple that with dating an unwrapped mummy from Ancient Egypt and that's probably evidence enough that things are coming off the rails for Scarlett. For the record, if I were a girl, I'd rather marry chlamydia than marry Sean Penn.

Sean "Two Face" Penn

Just after the earthquake in Haiti, Sean Penn decided that it would make him look less like an asshole if he took 11 doctors, X-Ray machines and a ventilator over to set up a medical relief organization. So, that's what he did...except he still managed to look like an asshole.

In an interview with CBS' Sunday Morning, Sean was asked about the haters and he responded with: "I guess I've been so away from it all-- and our tent camp in Haiti that I haven't had an awful lot of time to pay attention to them. You know, do I hope that those people die screaming of rectal cancer? Yeah. You know, but I'm not going to spend a lot of energy on it."

Sean Penn is so despicable. Honestly, it would be like pulling a drowning child out of the water with your left hand and pushing someone in with your right. Screaming of rectal cancer? Seriously, Sean? You better watch all those heaters you're burning because if anyone is on the fast track to "the cancer", it's you broseph. Tip: When you do good deeds with your undeserved fortune, make sure you don't condemn your critics with rectal cancer. Have you ever noticed how Democrats speak of tolerance. Tolerance, unless you disagree with them. That's funny, I think. Anyway, imagine for one second, if you can keep your lunch down, that Sean Penn and Meryl Streep make a baby together. As soon as that child could walk it would start branding people with the sign of the beast and destroying the world with the Ten Plagues of Egypt. I would rather burst into flames than have carnal knowledge of Meryl Streep.