This I get...crystal clear.

Say what you want, which can't be anything but DAMN!, Heidi Klum makes me sin. Just when I'm ready to start my search for the hottest woman on Earth, or more specifically, search for my new girl within the pages of Victoria's Secret to replace her, she shows up looking hotter than Helen of Troy. Seriously, it doesn't get better than this. Her dress is almost as flawless as her legs. She is basically the only thing that made that piece-of-trash worth watching. The Emmy's are awful. They're simply nothing more than a platform for narcissists to further exploit themselves. Just when talentless filthy rich morons with a voice don't alienate themselves enough, they walk a red carpet and boast about wearing millions of dollars in jewelry while telling everyone how "hard they worked" for that stupid trophy. Had it not been for Heidi Klum's trip to the Emmy's, it would have been more fun to watch Napalm dropped on an orphanage than tune into that garbage for five hours.

I just don't get it...

Christina Hendricks, of the Mad-Men-cult-following-fame, showed up to the Emmy's last night leaving people wondering why in the hell she's famous. I know I have a gift of reducing women to sundry anatomic metaphors, but are men so shallow that if someone has large breasts, they're instantly famous? I usually would unequivocally answer yes, but this chick? I simply can't buy that. This chick wouldn't be the hottest girl in any Atlanta area Waffle House at 3:23am on a random Wednesday. Seriously. There's hardly one attractive thing about her...and it's not even what you're thinking. It boggles my mind that you can give a girl red hair, bazookas, a hit show and a fancy dress and she's a sex symbol. There are 40 year old virgins that wouldn't have sex with this girl.

Finally.

I'm back in action. I know internet seems like it's something readily accessible; however, you'd be surprised with the ineptitude dripping out of ATT Broadband. I have internet so hopefully I'm back to my cozy fantasy world of objectifying women and exploiting people's misfortune.

I'm conflicted...

September 11 left lower Manhattan simmering in a diaphanous fog of hatred and intolerance. It left the remnants of nearly 3,000 people and a symbol of American power and presence obliterated. All of this was done by the closed fists of Islam. Since then, the nation of Islam's defensive strategy of painting a picture of peace and serenity, as victims being misrepresented by zealots not following the holy book, is the irony of that horrific morning. There are nearly 1.6 billion Muslims around the world. I know, without a doubt, there are Muslims kneeling toward Mecca and worshipping Allah without the pretense of hatred and intolerance for infidels on their breath. But, as an American, as a patriot, and as a Christian, I struggle with a myriad of emotions. This ambivalence comes from countless acts of terror around the globe, almost exclusively in the name of Allah, constant reminders of hatred for our America in the long lines of airport security, counter-terrorism, Homeland Security and a relentless war to prevent the dismemberment of little girls, like the one above, by the godless hands of the Taliban. Some people argue religion is not flawed, but people are. I think all religion is flawed since it's conceptualized by people. Regardless of the denomination or preference, Religion has lead to more death than any war. Christianity, sadly, being among the most devastating. I, nor anyone before me, can alter the horrific acts of the Crusades, or defend the horrors of the Roman Catholic Church, among others, through the years. However, this isn't the 12th century. We're a land of punitive law and a people of God's Law. Our President is right. We cannot forget the principles which lay the foundation for this great nation. We cannot turn our backs to tolerance and religious freedom no matter how much it stings our prideful souls and mourning hearts. However, President Obama missed an opportunity to finally be the leader he promised this country he would be. He had an opportunity, at a dinner celebrating Ramadan, to challenge the Muslim community sharing our country to demonstrate exactly what they were celebrating: asking forgiveness for past sins, praying for guidance and help in refraining from everyday evils, and trying to purify themselves through self-restraint and good deeds. A good deed would have been to understand and sympathize with the many thousands mourning, whether justifiably represented or not, in the wake of Islamic terrorism. I cannot help but visualize a 100 million dollar structure that stands on ground so close to ground zero, landing gear crashed through its interior, as a trophy of triumph, strength, and the steadfast adherence to Allah's war against infidels and America. Our President isn't capable of speaking on my behalf. He doesn't share my passion for this country. He doesn't share my passion for my God. I would vehemently defend the right to build that Mosque based on the law of this country. I would defend any man's freedom to worship in this country. I shiver to think of Obama's words while addressing the tolerance of a Nativity Scene being built on the grounds of an Islamic Community Center devastated at the hands of Christian or Jewish terrorism.

9:5 "... fight and slay the pagans wherever ye find them, and seize them, beleaguer them, and lie in wait for them in every stratagem (of war) ..."

An excerpt from the Koran. You be the judge, but tolerance and turn-the-other-cheek aren't the first things that come to mind.

Jacksonville is stupid.

JACKSONVILLE, Fla.-- Jacksonville is the second most uneducated city out of 52 major cities in the U.S. per square mile, according to a recent economics graduate blogging from just outside the nation's capital.

Rob Pitingolo, a blogger and economist who's labeling the cities as smartest and dumbest, calculated the number of college-degree holders per square mile to create his 52-city list called the educational attainment density.

As a result, dense cities with smaller land area and larger populations generally rank higher than other cities.

Steven Wallace, president of Florida State College at Jacksonville, called the study's methodology "something beyond absurd."

Wallace said he doesn't believe the study has any value because he feels it ignores the facts.

Wallace is obviously a Jacksonvillian. Besides Jorts, dip cups, Lynyrd Skynrd themed clothing, morbid obesity, beach bumbs, meth labs, and 1990's neon lights under Japanese imports, there are scores of ignorant people. I kind of feel sorry for them. It's not their fault. It's Florida. It breeds hopelessness. Well, hopelessness and pedophilia. Oh, and meth heads. Almost forgot those guys. Mr Wallace, I know you're trying to defend your "great" city, but when you elect dumbasses like this, you really can't say the studies are that inaccurate.




Peeple r sew dum.
Yeah kolledge drop-owt lusers like Bill Gates and Larry Ellison. Thay ar dum. Not like smrt peeple sutch az Corrine Brown (Go Gatuh)!

Oh thank you so much Antoine Dodson

Since Comcast has been determined to bend me over for the last two plus weeks, I haven't been able to comment on this amazing piece of news. So, here I am at Starbucks. My friends, Antoine Dodson is a hero. He's taken the safety of his project under his wing and like the neighborhood watch, he's warning everyone. "Hide your kids, hide your wife, hide your husbands cause day raping errybody round heah." Something tell me if your husband gets raped, you might wanna question Antoine Dodson.

Since the original is so awesome, I figured you wouldn't watch both so I included an awesome cover of Antoine's Warning Cry first so you can experience, like I have, the joys of viral internet.

My apology to my sister and my other two readers for my absence.

This may be hard to believe, but despite being on the cusp of an AIDS vaccine, over forty years of men walking on the moon, and handheld internet devices operating at rates of 4G, COMCAST doesn'tknow if they provide internet to my new home. Did I mention my neighbor two houses down has it? No, they're not joking. I already asked that. When I was a kid, I seriously thought I would be in a flying car by now. Instead, I'm waiting to see if a multi-billion dollar cable monopoly can dig a trench, bury a cable and provide a service that my neighbor, 120 feet away already has. I could turn water into wine or coal into a diamond quicker than this. My life would be so much better without the presence of nincompoops.

God I love models.

I opened these pictures of Irina Shayk and had a panic attack. I think I might have an aneurysm. Holy crap this chick is hot. I bet sex with this girl makes puppies and unicorns seem satanic. I can't think of a single thing on earth I would rather do than see her naked. Seriously. Her legs look like sexual accessories of sadistic torture. Sign me up!

So which is it, Mr President?

Something (translation) you tells me that you know exactly who Snooki from the Jersey Shore is. I do admit that if he had said he knew her and knew Lindsay Lohan was in jail, he would've been slaughtered for being wrapped up in pop culture, but come on. You made a speech, regardless of whether or not you wrote it, with references of Jersey Shore and now, with the country in shambles, you conveniently don't know who she is. I doubt that.

Snooki is wider than she is tall

In a new interview with People, Snooki reveals why she wouldn’t wear a bikini during the filming of Jersey Shore Season 2.

“I would rather wear a sexy one-piece whether I am heavy or down to 90 pounds,” Snooki, 22, tells PEOPLE. “I wore one-piece suits when I was really skinny to hide my nakedness in a sexy way. I think they are more provocative because it makes guys want to see more of me.”

Snooki, you're 4 feet four inches of butter. Nothing would make guys wanna see more of you. In fact, believe it or not, four feet four inches is like 3 feet too many. I would rather rape a Madagascan Aye-aye than see you naked. If I'm an alien and Snooki is the first person I see when I arrive on Earth, I would start warming up the annihilating laser beam of death because obviously nothing on this Godforsaken planet is worth saving.

Massive Government expansion, check. Financial ruin, check. Ruin Health Care, check. The View, Check.

I'm gonna guess Nov 2012 doesn't go quite like 2008, Mr President.

In the worst rating plunge in the history of the Oval Office, President Obama took to television in an attempt to reach out to middle American voters and soccer moms. I've been an austere opponent of The View for years. In fact, I think the demographic for The View is probably the lowest cumulative IQ on daytime television. That's pretty bad considering daytime soaps, a myriad of courtroom shows and Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader. Mr President, nothing at this point will succeed in helping you get re-elected. NOTHING. You don't have a snowballs chance in hell. Regardless though, don't you think there are more pressing things to do in this time of economic peril and joblessness? Don't you think troop morale would benefit from an unexpected visit from you? Instead, you book a spot on The View. Joy Behar. Whoopi Goldberg. The token dumb Republican. Some unfamous black chick. Babs Wah Wah. Come on Mr President. That's embarrassing. You were hired to do a job, not spend your time getting re-elected. I'm beginning to think you're in way over your head. You're starting to reflect your inexperience. Running the most powerful country in the world is a little different than being a community organizer in Chicago. I swear to God, if the best this country can do is Sarah Palin and Barack Obama, we might as well throw our hands up. There's nothing worth fighting for anymore. Seriously.

What light through yonder window breaks...

Kelly Brook is the sun. She couldn't be hotter if someone poured cayenne pepper on her and lit her on fire. It's taken her about 8 years and one Billy Zane relationship to become relevant, at least to everyone but me. I think this might be her year. Kelly is starring in Piranha 3-D coming soon to theaters. It's gonna be a horrific movie, but because it's 3-D, has tons of naked chicks that look like this, it will be a cult following hit. It's practically impossible for a woman to be more attractive than this. Honestly, I thought about the possibilities for 10 seconds, but then I passed out and woke up in a puddle of my own urine, so I won't try that again.

Ashley Greene prepares for power lifting competition...

I don't know what the hell is going on this chick's shoulders, but apparently she's stacking more roids than Barry Bonds. I look at old pics and she's a slender, dainty, bikini model, which by the way, is just my type. Since then though, she's packed on 10 pounds of lean muscle. I bet she wears like a 44R men's suit jacket. I've seen men on the Olympic swimming team with backs that aren't as broad as Ashley's. It just looks weird. Stop working out. Geez, I just don't understand women. Everyone knows being hot is like a wheelbarrow full of gold. Girls should hang on to that power with white knuckles; instead though, they are determined to transform their bodies into the antithesis of what's desirable. You're an actress. Stop doing push ups. Stop doing dips. Stop doing pump classes. You're becoming gross and intimidating. Looking at Ashley like this makes me think of Martina Navratilova naked and that sucks.

From Britney to our demise...

Forbes Magazine just released their top ten musician earners. This list almost drove me into the deepest crevices of depression. U2 was number one. I seriously don't know one single person that truly likes U2's music. I know people that appreciate their generous philanthropic nature, or in some cases that I'm ashamed, like their politics, but trust me, not their music. At this point, to me, they're like the Fat Elvis. Yeah, I guess they're still Elvis, but we're all tired of the act. You're not as original as you once were and more than anything, we're freaking sick of hearing you wail. T o matters worse though, Britney Spears finished #5. Yes, I'm serious.

No. 5: Britney Spears

$64 million

Not long ago, most of the entertainment world had written Britney Spears off as a celebrity flameout. But over the last year Spears logged the fifth highest-grossing tour in the world, bringing in $130 million in gross box office receipts by playing 98 dates. High-profile endorsement deals with Elizabeth Arden and Candies' prove that the public expects Spears to stay in the spotlight for good.

Are you effing kidding me. When I was in college, like 2000 years ago, I would've swum the English channel for a date with Britney Spears. Now, in 2010, I'm not even sure if I would know her if she walked past me, unless she were holding a turkey leg and we were in Wal-Mart. The fact that she made 64 million dollars lipsynching her entire concert makes me want to disembowel myself with a Swiss Army Knife. Our young people should not be allowed to vote in this country. You should have to pass a test. Our young people line up to see acts like Britney Spears and then stand in line to cast votes for Barack Obama. MTV has created a generation of "Rock the Vote(rs)" that have no clue about fiscal policy or Constitutional adherence. They just created a frenzy of voters that circle the person that celebrity idiots, musicians, and pop culture say they should. The two party system in this country will be its ultimate demise. Let's see...

Old as shit white guy war hero with absolutely no charisma

or

hip smooth talking black guy with no experience doing anything that smokes like a freightrain


Can I choose None of the Above?

Damn she's fine.

Angelina Jolie showed up to her SALT premiere looking finer than frog hair. While Jolie lit the red carpet on fire, Jennifer Aniston celebrated the release of her 22nd unsuccessful movie in a row to DVD...and when I mean celebrated, I mean cried with Ben and Jerry's in one hand and Brad Pitt's photo in the other. Jennifer Aniston looks like a gremlin fed after midnight compared to this chick. In fact, the only people that wouldn't swim through acid to sleep with her are chicks. Chicks only hate her because she's a ball of sexual destruction and Aniston looks like someone molded her face out of clay. If you're asking yourself why Brad Pitt would leave Aniston for this trashy slut, you're a girl. If you're a dude, get your testosterone levels checked.

Your waist is small and your curves are kicking...and I'm thinking bout sticking.

Kim Karblahblahblah was in Miami with her sister over the weekend. She was photographed in her bikini creating a firestorm of chatter in the blogosphere among climatologists linking the size of her ass with solar eclipses and global climate change. Jiminy Jillickers, I've never seen an ass that big that wasn't sitting in a Rascal cruising around Wal-Mart. You can see that her ass is so rabidly untamed that it seems to be spilling out of the top and bottom. In fact, unless you consult Christo, there's not enough bikini fabric on the planet to envelope an ass that size. You could sit in a room for three years engineering a woman that would be perfect for birthing babies and you couldn't do better than this. I'm almost positive that she could carry and deliver a baker's dozen whilst doing some shopping at Hermes on holiday.

Visit my friend's website...

Dr Todd Smith, whom I met at this pool in Cabo San Lucas in 2007, is a brilliant photographer. More than that though, he's an awesome person. Take some time to thumb through these pics. You won't be disappointed.

http://toddmikelsmith.zenfolio.com/

Can your belly button tell a story?

WASHINGTON (AFP) – Scientists have found the reason why blacks dominate on the running track and whites in the swimming pool: it's in their belly-buttons, a study published Monday shows.

What's important is not whether an athlete has an innie or an outie but where his or her navel is in relation to the rest of the body, says the study published in the International Journal of Design and Nature and Ecodynamics.
The navel is the center of gravity of the body, and given two runners or swimmers of the same height, one black and one white, "what matters is not total height but the position of the belly-button, or center of gravity," Duke University professor Andre Bejan, the lead author of the study, told AFP.

"It so happens that in the architecture of the human body of West African-origin runners, the center of gravity is significantly higher than in runners of European origin," which puts them at an advantage in sprints on the track, he said.
Individuals of West African-origin have longer legs than European-origin athletes, which means their belly-buttons are three centimeters (1.18 inches) higher than whites', said Bejan.
That means the black athletes have a "hidden height" that is three percent greater than whites', which gives them a significant speed advantage on the track.
"Locomotion is essentially a continual process of falling forward, and mass that falls from a higher altitude, falls faster," Bejan explained.

In the pool, meanwhile, whites have the advantage because they have longer torsos, making their belly-buttons lower in the general scheme of body architecture.
"Swimming is the art of surfing the wave created by the swimmer," said Bejan.
"The swimmer who makes the bigger wave is the faster swimmer, and a longer torso makes a bigger wave. Europeans have a three-percent longer torso than West Africans, which gives them a 1.5-percent speed advantage in the pool," he said.
Asians have the same long torsos as Europeans, giving them the same potential to be record-breakers in the pool.
But they often lose out to whites because whites are taller, said Bejan.
Many scientists have avoided studying why blacks make better sprinters and whites better swimmers because of what the study calls the "obvious" race angle.
But Bejan said the study he conducted with Edward Jones, a professor at Howard University in Washington, and Duke graduate Jordan Charles, focused on the athletes' geographic origins and biology, not race, which the authors of the study call a "social construct."
Bejan is white, originally from Romania, and Jones is black, from South Carolina.
They charted and analyzed nearly 100 years of records in men's and women's sprinting and 100-meters freestyle swimming for the study.

I don't know about you, but I'm fascinated by studies like this. It just seems impossible to deny evolution when members of the same species, separated by geographical barriers and climate differences can start to diverge, over millions of years, by starting with simple and subtle differences as seemingly unimportant as a belly button. Australia, for instance, has seen more geographical isolation than any other continent on Earth, and with that, has the most unique species in the world. In the dorky biology world, this is known as allopatric speciation. Human origins and their subsequent evolution can be unfolded like origami to explain so much about how we've become modern day humans. Who knew belly buttons could tell us so much about one's affinity for certain sports. Who knew geographical origin could foreshadow successes or challenges in certain endeavors. It seems logical though, from an outsider's perspective. I've watched every Olympics since 1988 in Seoul when a juiced up Ben Johnson decimated the 100 meter world record. Regardless of the year, track is typically dominated by African-origin athletes, whether it be Kenyan distance runners or Jamaican sprinters. Conversely though, you don't see many African-origin swimming athletes on the podium collecting medals. It's a truly intriguing theory, but then again, maybe I'm just a dork.

The leads are weak...you're weak!

If anyone hears about the movie, Glenglarry Glen Ross, about how compelling it is, about how amazing the dialogue spoken by true legends of film is, don't listen. It seriously couldn't be worse. I don't care how many sales meeting you go to, how many managers recommend this movie, don't watch it. If you recommend it, it's apparent you haven't seen it. I would seriously rather watch midget porn. I would rather be locked in a room and forced to watch my penis get smaller than watch this film. The only redeeming portion of this film is included in the excerpt above. Despite my hatred for Alec Baldwin, his 8:00 segment of the film was the absolute only redeeming quality of the entire 2 or so hours. Kill me.

What's in the box...What's in the box!!!

Sometime during the summer of 1990, when Gwyneth Paltrow was on the set of Prince of Tides, walking the streets of Beaufort South Carolina, prancing around the set, I fell in love. I guess I fell out of love during her formidable years, when she disappeared, but when then she returned in 7even and continued to punish me in Sliding Doors. Then, as Estella in Great Expectations, she created an almost mystical character of beauty. I felt like Odysseus with wax in my ears passing by Sirenum scopuli. She was hotter than Dante's 9 circles of hell. I would've walked on molten lava for one chance at her underpants. Somewhere things changed though. I'm not sure where, but it was approximately around the time of Shakespeare in Love, Bounce and the subsequent courtship of Ben Affleck. Well since then, Gwyneth has done nothing except try her best to make me hate her. To give credit where credit is due, I have to say to Gwyneth, mission accomplished. The pictures above are from her and Chris Martin's New York apartment that was just renovated. If I were blind, autistic, and schizophrenic, with endless amounts of money, I couldn't pick out shit more tacky than this. Honestly, I have never seen something more UNlivable. She is so obnoxious it makes me sick. The kitchen looks like you're having late night breakfast at Denny's. The living room has a damn swing. That's just stupid. Did I mention everything was white. It's so ironic, one of the most promiscuous leading ladies in Hollywood during her "prime" has a house decorated in almost all white. Trust me, she cannot wear a white wedding dress. The only person she hasn't slept with is me. Give me a break with this stupid house. Jesus, I hate Hollywood.