Greatest story ever...trust me on this one.

A Pennsylvania woman who crashed her car after burglarizing a local inn had a sizable stash of drugs and cash hidden in her vagina.

According to a report in the Scranton Times-Tribune, police were called to the scene of a car crash on March 13 where Karin Mackaliunas was arrested for suspicion of theft.

During a search, police found three bags of heroin in her jacket. While police escorted the woman to the station, officers noticed her fidgeting in the back seat.

She then told police that she had hidden more drugs in her vagina.

A doctor who performed a search removed: 54 bags of heroin, 31 empty bags used to package heroin, eight prescription pills and $51.22 in cash and change.

Mackaliunas was charged with possession with intent to deliver a controlled substance, possession of drug paraphernalia and two counts of possession of a controlled substance.

If you could have seen my face when I read this story, you would've seen my mouth open and a huge smile starting to form at the corner of my mouth...like when you first see something amazing. There are so many puzzling pieces to this story I don't even know where to begin. Let's begin with the obvious and save the vagina for the win. 54 bag of heroin? Really? At what point does it seem overkill? Also, doesn't her hair seem a little too kept to be a heroin user/dealer? She isn't a beauty queen, but as I'm sure you all can agree, there's been worse heroin mug shots. 8 Rx pills? What the hell are those for? Do you really need 8 prescription pills when you've got 54 bags of heroin? Either she's the most prolific drug abuser in the history of drugs or she's the absolute worst dealer that's ever lived. Ok, on to the VAG. I reread this story three times to make sure I didn't miss something. Yes, it's confirmed. She stored 54 bags of heroin, 32 empty bags, and 8 pills in her lady pouch? Holy smokes...I think it's safe to say how she's been paying for these drugs. She could raise a marsupial in a vagina like that. Then to top it all off, she not only has 51 dollars, but she has 22 cents stored up in there. You have to applaud her resilience and her fortitude for not giving up on that 22 cents. Afterall, most people would have just dropped it on the ground, but not Karin. Karin worked hard for that money. She knows how hard cigarettes are to find in the clink. Every cent counts. I just can't believe that all of that stuff can fit in one human vagina. Are we sure the cops didn't find a Joey kangaroo? Jimmy Hoffa? Amelia Earhart? They better look again. Karin's vagina is like the door to another dimension. You could go spelunking and never make it out alive. I can see it now...Karin, honey, I just found your passport. Gosh, we've been looking everywhere...oh...wait...what's this...Max...our dog...come on out buddy. Get a treat...come on boy.

Instructions on how to murder hotness.

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This is what happens when Sport Illustrated Swimsuit cover models lose their minds and succumb to a raging sea of estrogen and uberconfidence telling them they'll still be the object of desire for millions of men with short hair. Sorry Brooklyn, but you couldn't be more wrong. We've gone over this...for the love of God. Ladies...let's recap: Being a hot female is the most valuable commodity on Earth. That aforementioned hotness is accentuated with long hair. Why do men like long hair? It's because millions of years of evolution tell us that long hair is evident of a healthier female whose more likely to successfully pass on our genes. It's very simple. I just don;t get the short hair. Save the short hair when you take up golf, start playing bridge or join the women on Wednesday for quilting. Short hair works perfect for women in those activities. I'll tell you where it doesn't work...for models and girls I want to have sex with. Is Brooklyn still pretty, yes. Is she still the object of my desire, not for at least 8 more months. This is the worst American Tragedy since Theodore Dreiser wrote about one.


This is how she used to torture me.

Something tells me Denver might be guilty

Guilty Dog - Watch more Funny Videos

If you can watch this video and not want to adopt Denver, you're a Communist. Also, if you're one of those assholes that don't like dogs because they're dirty or dumb. or whatever, I hate you.

1,2,3, one, 1,2,3, two.

I've been working hard on my abs to no avail. That's why, witht he help of some engineer friends of mine, I think I've created the perfect product for Jersey Shore wannabes. I'm sure this is a joke. Gosh I hope so, because if not, this person needs their ass kicked.

Kelly, I thought we agreed to keep this quiet.

This is my tribute to British hottie Kelly Brook. Since she announced her pregnancy last week, I am here to read her last rights of hotness. Her once obviously flawless body dripping with sexual energy and desire will be mutilated by the host she'll carry for 9 months. It will never be the same again. Certain women shouldn't be allowed to reproduce, namely, Kelly Brook. As I said last week, if you can look at these pictures without getting that funny feeling in your basement, you should go ahead and come out to your parents, because trust me, they already know.

White people and their decks...

Granted, these all may be stereotypes, but as you all know, there's some level of truth to all stereotypes. That said, if you're looking to make a commercial that gives black people all the ammunition they need to make fun of whites, mission accomplished. If this is how white families act, I can't stand us. Nothing about this commerical is cool. The awful dancing, the nerdy four eyed kid, the s'mores...seriously, all taking place on the deck? Jesus, white people love them some camping and decks huh?

Holy Hell. Cover your eyes!

For those of you with no clue what good music is, or those born after 1990, then you know this wildebeest looking creature is Ke$ha. For those that don't, don't bother. If you weren't lucky enough to ruin your eardrums when she attempted to perform on SNL last year, then thank your lucky stars because it made Ashlee Simpson's disaster seem like it went off without a hitch. If you were, you know she sounds almost as wretched as she looks. I've actually never seen a body like this. It's almost as if someone built her but ran out of body parts so they just started sticking random pieces together and sent her along the assembly line after stamping her "complete". Well, she's anything but complete. That is, unless being complete requires a linebacker torso and pencil legs. The fact that this monster releases one hit song after another makes me want to impale myself. I'd rather be handcuffed to a cactus naked while being forced to watch gay midget porn for two months than be subjected to one of Seabiscuit's concerts.

We're a long way from 1995.

To think this chick occupied exactly 41.7% of my fantasies when I was in high school makes me cringe with shame and disgust. I'm not being shallow about pregnancy because I think pregnant women are beautiful, just not this one. She looks almost exactly like every shopper in Wal-mart after 9pm. Is she related to Britney Spears. No, seriously...is she? Well, they at least share the same personal shoppers. Looking at this picture is like hiking through rural Mexico in the middle of the night and stumbling upon the chupacabra. Nothing you can do will ever get this image out of your head. It's like that librarian in the beginning of Ghostbusters. You think everythign is ok then BAM!!! Gotcha.

The High School Musicals are my favorite movies.

This picture is exactly like that music you hear while you're getting a massage. You know, that Japanese soothing music loaded with flutes intended to lull you into euphoria. Well, just like that music on the massage table, Vanessa Hudgens has me drooling with my head increasingly getting stuffy. If she only knew the magic she has over me.

Finally someone is taking full advantage of being royalty

For years I've always wondered why the Royal family is so unattractive. I guess it could be because they inbreed like rednecks in rural Appalachia. I can tell you without hesitation that if I were the Prince of England, I would have every Page 3 girl I wanted, Kate Beckinsale, and Elizabeth Hurley, and that would just be Monday. It seems like they've seriously overlooked this amazing perk...until now that is. Kate Middleton is a rocket. Well done William. I can see now why you would land a military heli in her parent's back yard for a quick "visit". I look forward to seeing more of this chick because unlike other British Royalty, she makes me happy, not scared for my life.

WTF is this?

Either Emmitt "Doc" Brown from Back to the Future is a grandfather and Maryland Tarrapin fan, or Maryland needs to reevaluate their sexual pedophile laws because this dude is creepy as hell. He's so creepy, he's almost awesome. In fact, I kind of picture my grandfather looking like this and being a little senile, so I could take him out in public to malls and let him scream and curse at people randomly. He would frighten people and I would stand back near the foutain and sip on my ICEE and laugh at the terror on their faces. Then we could be leaving the mall and I would put my arm around him and tell him he's a badass old man.

My New Idol.

J. Wilson is a home brewer, beer blogger and editor of the weekly Adams County Free Press newspaper. The married father of two, who describes himself as a nondenominational Christian, says he became fascinated with the 300-year-old tale of doppelbock beer known as "liquid bread," brewed by German monks who were not allowed to eat food during Lent.

"The idea came to me a couple years ago, and it didn't really make sense then, my wife quickly pointed out," said Wilson, 38, adding that he worked 13 hours a day in a restaurant back then. "I did not live the life of a monk at that time."

But with preparations that began in August, including bulking up from his normal 140 pounds to 160 since Thanksgiving, Wilson says he was ready to give it a go. He says he already was down to 157 pounds by Thursday.

He's living on four 12-ounce Illuminator Doppelbocks a day, brewed for him by the Rock Bottom Brewery in Des Moines. Each beer contains just under 300 calories and is roughly 6.7 percent alcohol.

And while it might appear he's simply given up sobriety for Lent, Wilson says he plans to consult with a doctor during the fast and does not intend to be drunk at any point.

Well, he had me until that last paragraph. Nonetheless, this has to be the single coolest dude on earth. If you risk losing your life for Lent by drinking only beer and water, you're a badass. You know God loves sacrifice like this. I mean, how could he not.

God's algorithm?

Lent+Beer+Water=Sainthood

There's trying too hard and then there's Britney Spears

It's so damn confusing. It just seems one day Britney is huge, like she's been eating Krispy Kream milkshakes. Then, the next day she poses for photos like this. Granted, there's so much photoshopping going on, it looks like a class of 1st graders turned her into a minotaur. Regardless, in a weird way, I'm almost morbidly curious about these photos. I'm not sure if I'm sexually interested, or if I'm just interested in the way people are watching some poor person on the ground while a group of people do CPR on them.

Yeah, sure, clean and sober.

This is like the 2011 version of Vincent Van Gough. This is a picture of a man that has obviously lost his mind. Couple insanity with a raging drug habit and you've got this mess of a man. Now that Sheen has lost his job and is essentially unemployable in Hollywood, my prediction for his overdose, without help, is <3 months.

Life Lessons

If you're staring at this picture and you find yourself uninterested, stop trying to be straight because you're not. No, seriously, trust me on this one.

Yes please...

I've been critical of Vicky's new Angels since the originals were demoted, but this, me oh my! Lily Aldridge is jumping out to a huge lead in these photos. Granted, this is only Wednesday during a rainy week, but this is by a mile the highlight. If Victoria's Secret reloads like this, I'm gonna go ahead and apologize my lack of confidence and criticism. Psst...Lily...(pinky and thumb making phone)...call me.

Sexual Evolution: The Human Male

Humans and chimpanzees share more than 97% of DNA, but there are some fairly obvious differences in appearance, behavior and intellect. Now, scientists are learning more than ever about what makes us uniquely human.

We know that humans have larger brains and, within the brain, a larger angular gyrus, a region associated with abstract concepts. Also, male chimpanzees have smaller penises than humans, and their penises have spines. Not like porcupine needles or anything, but small pointy projections on the surface that basically make the organ bumpy.

Scientist have found that a switch that had been lost in humans that normally turns on an androgen receptor at the sites where sensory whiskers develop on the face and spines develop on the penis. Mice and many other animals have both of these characteristics, and humans do not.

"This switch controls the expression of a key gene that's required for the formation of these structures," said David Kingsley, a study co-author at Stanford University. "If you kill that gene, which has been done previously in mouse genetics, the whiskers don't grow as much and the penile spines fail to form at all."

Humans have kept the switch however -- we have androgen receptors, but ours don't produce whiskers or penile spines, he said. Chimpanzees do have small sensory whiskers, not as externally obvious as in cats or mice, but we don't have them at all.

Speculation abounds about what purpose the spines serve. One theory is that they are used in sperm competition; if the male's goal is to get his mate pregnant, he will want to take out her previous partner's sperm if she's recently had sex. The bumpy penis may be better for removing that sperm from the female, scientists theorize.

This sperm competition explanation is also consistent with shape of the normal human penis. The mushrooms shape has been selected for over millions of years to be adept at scooping out competitive semen.


Let's be honest here, the attractiveness of naked human male pales in comparison to our female counterparts and while getting laid can be hard enough for some (Read: Not me of course), God forbid, we get saddled with not only a unit with a mushroom cap, but really convenient spines too. Yeah, evolution, great job, that sounds awesome. That should help.

She makes me stutter like Brad Womack.

Regardless of what you believe, this is one of our little "games" of love and seduction when we're out to dinner ala Sharon Stone in Sliver. It's a little disconcerting that she's playing the same game with the most unfunny millionaire in Hollywood. She's still so pretty, it makes me dizzy.

Charlie Sheen might just be a genius.

Charlie Sheen opened a Twitter account today. He already has over 400,000 friends. he also did another interview tonight where he burned heaters (smoked cigarettes) throughout the entire interview. That just screams eff you. Well Sheen has been all over the place over the past few days regarding intewrviews. In my humble opinion, despite what you think of him, there is not better interviewer on earth than Howard Stern and he has Charlie tomorrow morning. Unlike other boring interviewers, Stern won't avoid anything. In fact, everything you want to know, Stern will ask when everyone else would be terrified. In Charlie's words, this will be "gold" "epic" "magic" or just pure and simple "winning". Speaking of winning, Charlie's bio on his Twitter account reads:

Unemployed Winner....

Seriously, this guys is a comedic genius. Does it get better than this? Shut up, that was rhetorical.

Now this is a smokeshow.

Tonight I watched House M.D. and I'm still pissed that I can't get a once-a-week fix of Olivia Wilde anymore. Instead, they replace her with Amber Tamblyn, which (A), isn't remotely attractive, and (B), dresses like she came out of the Delorian on November 12, 1955. I just don't get what the producers are trying to do to me. It's like taking Michael Jordan off the Bulls and replacing him with Chris Mullin. Anyone that knows basketball knows Chris Mullin is no Michael Jordan. To pay homage to Olivia Wilde, the only reason I started watching House in the first place, I'll give you these pictures of her doing what she does best...being a rocket. Cheers to you Olivia. I missed you tonight 13. xoxox. ;)

Muy Caliente.

The Oscars is basically a night for an elite group of self-indulgent narcissists to huddle around a microphone and tell each other how great they are. Every once in a blue moon, some fresh face comes along that isn't contaminated with the stench of elitism and offers a little hope to such an insufferable group. This year, that fresh face is Jennifer Lawrence. Not many people saw Winter's Bone, including me, but I can tell you right now, based on this red dress alone, I'll be able to give a review very soon.

Something seems different

According to my extensive dialogue with women, they reveal to me that their bodies are never the same after having children. So, if that's true, if babies are hot body assassins, what kind of voodoo witchery is Penelope Cruz involved in? I've known Penelope Cruz since she ironically starred opposite Javier Bardem in the Spanish foreign language film Jamon Jamon. Essentially, for the last 19 years I've been a connoisseur of a naked Penelope Cruz and she's never looked better than she does right now. Some critics and feminists would say, "Is it only because her breasts are larger." To that insensitive inquiry, I would say, maybe. Probably. Most likely.

Effing for Satan is so unoriginal.

Despite it being only March, 17 year old Taylor Momson's parents have sealed up my annual Parent(s) of the year award. Unless a story breaks about parents eating their children, this is a pretty solid lock. She's already done interviews where she spoke of her close relationship with her vibrator...oh by the way, that was when she was 16. If this were my daughter, I'd be funneling Drano and lighting myself on fire right now.