Holy Hell. Cover your eyes!

For those of you with no clue what good music is, or those born after 1990, then you know this wildebeest looking creature is Ke$ha. For those that don't, don't bother. If you weren't lucky enough to ruin your eardrums when she attempted to perform on SNL last year, then thank your lucky stars because it made Ashlee Simpson's disaster seem like it went off without a hitch. If you were, you know she sounds almost as wretched as she looks. I've actually never seen a body like this. It's almost as if someone built her but ran out of body parts so they just started sticking random pieces together and sent her along the assembly line after stamping her "complete". Well, she's anything but complete. That is, unless being complete requires a linebacker torso and pencil legs. The fact that this monster releases one hit song after another makes me want to impale myself. I'd rather be handcuffed to a cactus naked while being forced to watch gay midget porn for two months than be subjected to one of Seabiscuit's concerts.

Sticks like this should be ticketed

As I said last week, Blake Lively hosted SNL Saturday night, and just as I suspected, she blew my socks off. This chick is the most naturally beautiful girl in Hollywood. I bet when she wakes up, she looks even better. Her legs alone are enough to make me ignore my restraining order. I can't help but get a closer smell look because I can't see anything from 200 yards. I guess the judge didn't find me dressed as a topiary on her front porch as "funny" as I did. People of power can never take a joke. Anyway...Blake Lively, like me, makes being sexy seem effortless. I hope, for her sake, she can manage the arduous tasks and burdening responsibilities. It's a bear, trust me.

She's so pretty it hurts my soul.

If this girl gets any cuter, she's gonna be staring at me during our court case for my restraining order. Honest to God, I could watch her read the phonebook and get turned on. Armegeddon from a surprise giant asteroid, an 8.6 earthquake or my body breaking out with hundreds of boils from leprosy, would be the only way my ass isn't planted in front of the television on Dec 5 watching her on SNL. You know when I sacrifice 2 hours of my life for that dreadful show, there must be something truly remarkable. Well, all I can say is, Blake Lively's stock isn't the only thing rising. I'd risk 24 hour exposure to gamma radiation for one hour of matress dancing with this smokeshow.

Andy Samberg deserves better than SNL

Let's face it. SNL hasn't been funny in years. Sure, it's shown bright spots with Adam Sandler songs, Celebrity Jeopardy with Sean Connery, Eddie Murphy, and Gilda. For the love God, can we stop the Amy Poehler and Tina Fey love fest? Am I the only person in America that find them painfully unfunny? Fey's only accomplishment to date is her writing the screenplay for Mean Girls. 30 Rock is sinking, SNL sucks, and their weekend update was so pretentious and self indulging, I could hardly watch, much less laugh. Saying something sarcastic and staring into the camera akwardly prompts people to laugh. Congratulations, you harnessed laughter out of sheer audience uncomfortability. Fey's Sarah Palin caricature was effective for two reasons: Sarah Palin's ridiculous accent and her lucky resemblance to the Governor. Aside from that, she wasn't creating comedic magic. I'm so over that stupid show. Anyway, the point of this post was to tell Andy Samberg to leave (S)till(N)ot(L)aughing. He's smart, original and better than they deserve. Lorne Michaels and SNL have jumped the shark. Here's Andy's website. The videos are fantastic. http://www.thelonelyisland.com/