Leo, you S.O.B.

A couple of weeks ago, when average Americans, and Seal Team Six, were busy relishing in the death of the world's most evil man, Leonardo DiCaprio was breaking up with his Israeli supermodel girlfriend of many years. Many thought this would be the girl to tame his unquenchable thirst for beautiful woman. For the record, I am not one of those people. Number one, she just doesn't do it for me. Number two, he is pretty much a bad ass and knows almost all of Victoria's Secrets. I'm not sure if it was the chicken or the egg, meaning was it Blake that caused the break up, but based on her reputation among the circles of Hollywood, you damn right she's the cause. She has loose morals and loves the crap out of being famous and will do just about anything or anybody to stay there. And also, Jesus, she's beautiful. Regardless, it appears Leo agrees cause this week he's in Cannes France, on some yacht, with Blake Freaking Lively. If that doesn't make you want to hate your life nothing will. I would live for two years with the Taliban and OJ Simpson for ten minutes of naked wrestling with Blake Lively.

I'm not sayin, I'm just sayin.

Today, reps of Ryan Reynolds and Scar-Jo annouced that the couple has been separated, living separately, and are divorcing.

“After long and careful consideration on both our parts, we’ve decided to end our marriage,” they say in a joint statement. “We entered our relationship with love and it’s with love and kindness we leave it. While privacy isn’t expected, it’s certainly appreciated.”

Scarlett Johansson rests atop the sexual desire hierarchy for many men around the world. I'm not sure why. She's like a blonde hobbit with huge cans. Sure, she looks phenom in a few pictures scattered about the internet, but with today's digital assistance, who can't be hot. They even make Madonna look alive. Ryan Reynolds was just voted People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive and Scarlett Johansson is a barrel chested granola with a terrible tattoo. I don't dislike her, in fact, she was terrific in Match Point, but Ryan Reynolds is playing The Green Lantern in the new Marvel Comics installment, is a Hollywood leading man, and if God hadn't already made it unfair enough, gave him 4% body fat. The reason The Green Lantern is relavent to the story is because Blake Lively is also playing the female lead in the movie. The picture below was taken at a press junket for the movie and unless you're blind, you can plainly see why Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds are getting divorced. I'd crawl through a drain pipe of broken glass and cyanide gas to sit next to this rocket for 2 and a half minutes. If you're still confused why Ryan Reynolds is ending his marriage, turn it to Glee because you're gay.

My love is as a fever, longing still for that which longer nurseth the disease

Starting Friday September 17, Blake Lively will light the silver screen on fire in The Town, starring Ben Affleck, She plays a stripper, he plays a bank robber. The movie looks fantastic. The screenplay is written by the same writer that wrote The Departed and this, too, will be set in Beantown. This is my MUST SEE of the fall. Until then though, I'll leave you with these inspiring pics of my girlfriend.

Dear Blake,
I wanted to leave you a little something to let you know I'm thinking of you. I, too, had a great time last night. You left some things over at my place, but I'll just hang onto them. Talk soon and hope you enjoy Lord Byron--

She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellow'd to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impair'd the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o'er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.

And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!

- Lord Byron

Blake Lively makes me have impure thoughts on a grand scale.

Blake Lively is famous, I think. Someone told me she was on that show. Yeah, that one. I've never seen one second of that show, so I'm a little perplexed on how it can still be on the air. You see, I essentially watch almost every show that dumb hot girls watch or star in and I haven't seen that one, so it makes me think no one has. That's how hot Blake Lively is. No one watches nor have they ever watched her show, no one knows how or why she's famous, yet she is. So famous hot in fact, she is seen in Paris over the weekend for the Christian Dior fashion show. That's not a big deal, I know. Besides, Lindsay Lohan even sneaks blows security to get into fashion shows. Here's the difference. That creepy old guy is Karl Lagerfield. I'm pretty sure he's dead so he doesn't matter, but anyway, like 200 years ago he made awesome clothes for models. The other picture shows Blake on the front row during the show with Anna Wintour. I'm not gay, but I know who she is. She's basically the inspiration behind the whole book and movie, The Devil Wears Prada. She's basically the end-all-be-all of fashion and the editor-in-chief- of Vogue Magazine. What I'm telling you is Lindsay Lohan would rip out her fallopian tubes for a chance to sit with Anna Wintour. She's to fashion what Ron Burgandy is to Action News. Blake Lively has no resume to speak of, yet she is the muse for two major fashion pioneers and trendsetters, which leads me to my main point and title of this entry. I want to have sex with Blake Lively. We've come full circle...see how I did that.

Blake Lively is kinda pretty...and by kinda...I mean VERY.

If you wake up everyday and stare into the mirror and looking back at you is someone on the Hills, pretending to be famous, your life sucks. It sucks mainly because you're on minute 14.8 of 15. Aside from that though, it sucks because you're a twenty something trying your best to exploit your 9 body and 6 face while hiding lack of talent, which by the way, isn't working...we can see you have no talent. I bet 100 dollars every one of those chicks, Audrina Cavallari, Heidi Port, Brody Conrad, or whatever their stupid names are, spend their nights sticking pins into voodoo dolls that look like Blake Lively. Honestly, she makes looking hot so simple. I would move 30 lbs of hot coals with my mouth for one chance to see her underpants. If your face and legs are this complimentary there's nothing you can be besides be the object of sexual starved men's fantasies. Not since Cindy Crawford has a mole on the face been more desirable. In the most creepy way imaginable, I look at it and wanna eat it like an M&M.

Oh! Snatched Away In Beauty's Bloom

Last week, Sherlock Holmes premiered and Blake Lively owned the red carpet. It's so smart to show up at movies you're not in and look better than everyone. You might be tired of these posts, but trust me on this one, I'm not. I could write for days on this chick. If Lord Byron didn't love touching dudes, I bet he would've written She Walks in Beauty about Blake.

She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellowed to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impaired the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o'er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling place.

And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!

Sticks like this should be ticketed

As I said last week, Blake Lively hosted SNL Saturday night, and just as I suspected, she blew my socks off. This chick is the most naturally beautiful girl in Hollywood. I bet when she wakes up, she looks even better. Her legs alone are enough to make me ignore my restraining order. I can't help but get a closer smell look because I can't see anything from 200 yards. I guess the judge didn't find me dressed as a topiary on her front porch as "funny" as I did. People of power can never take a joke. Anyway...Blake Lively, like me, makes being sexy seem effortless. I hope, for her sake, she can manage the arduous tasks and burdening responsibilities. It's a bear, trust me.

She's so pretty it hurts my soul.

If this girl gets any cuter, she's gonna be staring at me during our court case for my restraining order. Honest to God, I could watch her read the phonebook and get turned on. Armegeddon from a surprise giant asteroid, an 8.6 earthquake or my body breaking out with hundreds of boils from leprosy, would be the only way my ass isn't planted in front of the television on Dec 5 watching her on SNL. You know when I sacrifice 2 hours of my life for that dreadful show, there must be something truly remarkable. Well, all I can say is, Blake Lively's stock isn't the only thing rising. I'd risk 24 hour exposure to gamma radiation for one hour of matress dancing with this smokeshow.

Blake Lively wins.

Blake Lively is a genius. She's an "actor" on some show, i think. I'm really not sure, come to think of it. She could be the girl that denied me a credit card at the Express last Tuesday. What...she said it happens all the time. I didn't even want the thing. What's 10% anyway? Regardless, I couldn't pick out 2 things on this chick that I could relate to talent...well maybe two. Seriously, it's awesome when girls like this are aware of their skill set. It just seems so earnest and forthright. All girls should be this way. Nothing makes me more angry and confused than a gorgeous, voluptuous woman playing coy and covering everything up. If I wanted a riddle, I'd buy Laffy Taffy. You don't see me walking around all covered up, afraid to show off my goods. I share this gift with the world. Gather round ladies...

Holy Moly she's genetic perfection.

I realized after seeing these pictures that I'm in love with Blake Lively to unhealthy proportions. My heart races like a virgin on prom night when I look at these pictures. I sat here staring at a blinking cursor trying my best to discover one thing that's not fabulous about this chick, but of course, there's nothing. She's perfect. If it required a severed penis by a rusty Coke can in order to get a piece of this muffin, I wouldn't hesitate. She's magic.

Lively is an understatement...

I have no flippin clue what the hell Gossip Girls is supposed to accomplish. Is it a reality show? Is it a hybrid? Is it a drama? All I know is that if Blake Lively appears in the show looking like this, it's my new favorite show. This outfit just made my cornea explode. This may be the most underrated hot young actress in Hollywood. I know I'm gonna piss off a lot of people, but in my opinion, this chick is way hotter than Megan Fox. I just don't get it. Look at this girl. Unpretentious, All-American, humble sexiness, and style. I've never seen her act, but there's no way in Marlon Brando's soul that she is a worse actress than Megan Fox. I'm calling it right now. Blake Lively will be the next girl we're all talking about.