Seriously, the greatest day of my life, every year.

Christmas morning came early, as it does every year about this time, as the Angels exposed all of Victoria's Secrets. If the cure for all the world's diseases relied on me never watching this lingerie expose again, you better re-up your life insurance cause the cancer is knockin on your door. This hasn't aired on TV yet, but when it does, I'm gonna lock all the doors, saturate the walls, floors and carpet with water and cover the walls with lubricant because simply based on the amount of friction, that's about the only way I won't burn my house down. If spending one night as King Solomon and having these girls in my harem were possible, I would trade a lifetime of scabies, HPV, and talking like Simple Jack from Tropic Thunder. If you're one of those religious freaks that sends your kid to church to "cure his gayness" because you're suspicious he might be, I have an idea. Print out these pics, show them them to him, and if he doesn't pitch a tent within 3 seconds, he likes penis.

Happy Birthday, My love...

Today is the 4 month 28th day anniversary of my soul mate's 28th year. Some people laugh at me when I celebrate such arbitrary dates throughout the year. Like the first time I saw her, or the first time I saw her through the slits in her closet while she was changing, or the first time I stared at her feet under the dressing room door, or like the time I used her Cover girl to get rid of those dark circles under my eyes while she was away for a weekend...or even when she blew me kisses in the court room during the "I'm showing her too much attention" stalking trial. What?!? Don't judge me. We're meant to be together. You obviously just don't know true love when you see it.

Models are so easy...enjoyable...

5:30pm

Alessandra comes to the door in a black dress that really acceentuates her gorgeous slender figure. I give her a very confident yet conservative kiss on the cheek and tell her how beautiful she looks. Our red carpet event will start in one hour...just enough time to have some champagne in the limo to loosen things up.

6:50

Alessandra walks the carpet and I keep a few steps back while I honor Mila Kunis' request for my phone number. The evening is rolling along nicely at this point. We go inside and mingle, but I can tell her focus is elsewhere. Somewhere at this point, she leans over in an accent I could barely understand and says she's ready to go. I don't hesitate. With her arm enveloped in mine, we walk straight to the limo and resume our champagne.


8:30

Alessandra and I sit in the back room and our table backs up against the privacy fence. She leans against the table, her hands under the table and gripped tightly around mine. I feel uncomfortable and trapped, but I go with it. We open our second bottle of red wine with dinner. I have fish, she has salad.

9:30

We order dessert, I have a Manhattan and she, a Cockburns Port 1963. The sexual tension is ripping off the tablecloth at this point, but I'm losing interest because so much is lost in translation. Most of my dessert is spent intently trying to decipher her thickened accent exacerbated by the copious libations. She's beginning to annoy me, but she's too pretty to give up now.

10:21pm

Alessandra is complaining about how her feet hurt. She stops and attempts to take off her shoes, but I urge her not to. We start walking again toward the limo. A few paparazzi are following and she gets closer as she slides her arm inside mine. She leans over and I think she said something sexy, but I have no clue what she said. I look at her, smile and laugh. She smiles. "Tshe thays tshe can't wait fur the rrride home." I'm giddy with excitement. As we approach the limo, I open the door for her, slide my hand to the small of her back and guide her inside by the hand. I think she thanked me, but I can't be sure. She leans a little too far over, or actually just far enough and slides into the opposite side of the car. I hear her say softly, "Get in papai." Of course, that's Portuguese for Daddy. I turn around wink to the paparazzi and close the door.