The highlight of swimsuit season.

Either Marisa Miller is the result of millions of years of flawless evolution, or she has spent her entire adult life hungry. Her loss is my gain. Skinny girls with big breasts, that's what Ponce De Leon should've spent his time looking for...not that stupid water fountain. What a dip shit.

Seriously, the greatest day of my life, every year.

Christmas morning came early, as it does every year about this time, as the Angels exposed all of Victoria's Secrets. If the cure for all the world's diseases relied on me never watching this lingerie expose again, you better re-up your life insurance cause the cancer is knockin on your door. This hasn't aired on TV yet, but when it does, I'm gonna lock all the doors, saturate the walls, floors and carpet with water and cover the walls with lubricant because simply based on the amount of friction, that's about the only way I won't burn my house down. If spending one night as King Solomon and having these girls in my harem were possible, I would trade a lifetime of scabies, HPV, and talking like Simple Jack from Tropic Thunder. If you're one of those religious freaks that sends your kid to church to "cure his gayness" because you're suspicious he might be, I have an idea. Print out these pics, show them them to him, and if he doesn't pitch a tent within 3 seconds, he likes penis.

Somebody call 911, Shawty fire burnin up my underpants, whoa!

Sdorry abmnout posrting these pix...For safrtey reeasons, I handcufgfed both my hnds to thhje bedd postsa and I'm tyoio0ping thids withmy tonguye. IN csase yiou dont knkow, Marisaa Miller is hottr thban fire. I wold fihgt a rabid Griuzzley bear wirth a pipe cleaner and and rubbr band for one sloww song couple's skate wiht her.

For your Saturday viewing pleasure...

There's not much you can add to pictures like these. This chick literally tilts over and pours out sexuality. When we dated back in 2004, she was really into me, like psycho into me, but I was going through a rough patch and I just wasn't ready to be tied down. You see, I'm elusive like a wild mustang running free on the plains. Was she a conquest, just another notch on my belt, you ask. I say no, but really, who am I say what motivates this fiery untameable libido of mine.

This is the definition of a rocket.

You could search the internet like Feds searched the "Grassy Knoll" and you wouldn't find anything that's as flaming hot as this picture. Normally, despite her body, I'm not that high on Marisa Miller, but this, this is just ridonkulous. I would funnel a gallon of Michael Jackson's Jesus Juice, inject myself with 25cc of Propofol, and sleep naked in his bed with a rubber ball taped in my mouth for one hour on a memory foam matress with this chick. If looking at this picture doesn't make your pants fit tighter, call your mother and come out of the closet, because she already knows you're gay.

Standing next to Heidi makes everyone instantly ugly.

I know Marisa Miller is hot. I get it. Trust me, I do, but I just don't understand all the fuss about this girl. I mean, yeah, she's "All-American-California-Cheryl Tiegs-Christie Brinkley hot," but not by any stretch of the imagination is she in Heidi Klum's category. First of all, Heidi was born in 1973--Marisa in 1978. Since model years are like dog years, maybe worse, that difference equals ~10 years...just trust me it's a difficult and very complex calculus derivative measuring many variables. The point is quite simple though. Heidi Klum is not to compared to silly amateurish wannabe supermodels like Gisele "THE MAN" Bundchen, and Marisa "I Love Melanoma" Miller. Women as hot as her are only born once every 9,000 years. To fully understand the essence of beauty and rarity that is Heidi Klum, it would take a 40 year fellowship in philosophy from Socrates and Plato, a PhD in Astronomy from MIT, and 25 years in a maximum security facility for Felony Stalking.

Models have interrupted my Chi and ruined any chances for Feng Shui

I know Marisa Miller is attractive, but she is no Christie Brinkley. And by that, I mean, Christie Brinkley is like 50-something and smoking with blonde hair and decent skin. Marisa Miller has so much sun damage her face will look like a fried green tomato in 10 years. Her ginormous breasts will look like those weinie dog ballons that those ballon artists with painted faces blow up on the sidewalk and try to sell to little kids. Let's face it, she's a weathered 30 year old girl with a smoking body. Her face is pretty, but she's in no way Heidi, Adriana, or Karolina...she's just not. Maybe it's because she's American and not German, Russian or Brazilian. It seems logical to me. Despite all of this, I find these pictures, for now in her temporary hotness, very very intriguing. I would normally say something like, "I would wrap nematocysts from sea-wasps around my penis while running on top of broken bottles of staph infections and gonorrhea for a chance to be on the same beach as this chick." Instead, I'll say, "I like these pics, but knowing that she's a ticking time bomb of melanoma, excess skin and "liver" spots, I think I'm gonna pass on this Californian."