Happy Birthday, My love...

Today is the 4 month 28th day anniversary of my soul mate's 28th year. Some people laugh at me when I celebrate such arbitrary dates throughout the year. Like the first time I saw her, or the first time I saw her through the slits in her closet while she was changing, or the first time I stared at her feet under the dressing room door, or like the time I used her Cover girl to get rid of those dark circles under my eyes while she was away for a weekend...or even when she blew me kisses in the court room during the "I'm showing her too much attention" stalking trial. What?!? Don't judge me. We're meant to be together. You obviously just don't know true love when you see it.

Adriana Lima is full of lies lies lies

Reports today reveal that Adriana Lima is pregnant.

In a related story, today I was quoted in the press saying, "She told me she was on the pill."

Bet you can't guess the one who's never been laid...

I first saw this picture 3 hours 41 minutes 13 seconds ago, yet this is the first moment that I've been able to peel my eyes away to complete another task. The look on this loser's face is enough to make me want to use an acid filled squirt bottle in his face. For the love of God, when Adriana Lima, the Brazilian Goddess, grabs your junk, you can't have a look on your face that screams total fear, self-doubt, and inadequacy. Man up, girl. God completely wasted a Y chromosome on your inept, pathetic existence. For Pete's sake, I've seen more masculinity at My Little Pony and Rainbow Bright Conventions. I hope this guy is gay because when his friends see this picture, they're all going to take turns kicking the sh!t out of him.

Models have interrupted my Chi and ruined any chances for Feng Shui

I know Marisa Miller is attractive, but she is no Christie Brinkley. And by that, I mean, Christie Brinkley is like 50-something and smoking with blonde hair and decent skin. Marisa Miller has so much sun damage her face will look like a fried green tomato in 10 years. Her ginormous breasts will look like those weinie dog ballons that those ballon artists with painted faces blow up on the sidewalk and try to sell to little kids. Let's face it, she's a weathered 30 year old girl with a smoking body. Her face is pretty, but she's in no way Heidi, Adriana, or Karolina...she's just not. Maybe it's because she's American and not German, Russian or Brazilian. It seems logical to me. Despite all of this, I find these pictures, for now in her temporary hotness, very very intriguing. I would normally say something like, "I would wrap nematocysts from sea-wasps around my penis while running on top of broken bottles of staph infections and gonorrhea for a chance to be on the same beach as this chick." Instead, I'll say, "I like these pics, but knowing that she's a ticking time bomb of melanoma, excess skin and "liver" spots, I think I'm gonna pass on this Californian."

Im officially in mourning...

Fox News Reports,
Most NBA stars could have any woman they want, but Marko Jaric had to go and take Adriana Lima from single men everywhere.

The couple eloped in a small private ceremony on Valentines Day in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, according to a report in People magazine.

Lima, 27, is a Brazilian supermodel best known for her work as a Victoria’s Secret Angel. Jaric, 29, is a guard for the Minnesota Timberwolves.

“We are so excited about our future together,” Lima said. “And we are really looking forward to a big romantic wedding this summer with all our friends and family.”


I'm still confused how a Minnesota Timberwolf can score this chick. They don't even score on the hardwood. This is pretty much the sexiest woman on the planet with her mouth closed (her teeth are kinda jacked). I'm not saying I would sacrifice life and limb, well maybe I am, but I would pretty much let my penis bob for french fries in a deep fryer in exchange for 13 seconds with this girl.

Victoria is simply taunting me now...

Last night I forgot all about our country's economic crisis. For one hour, I thought of nothing except for how tired my legs were from stretching to look inside Adriana Lima's bedroom window. Wait...what?

Parts 1 and 3 of last night's epic and heroic performance. How do those girls walk so striaght?!?!?!? No one on Earth can walk like they do!!! Truly gifted professionals.

Secretly Victoria and God Plan My Untimely Demise...

If I were to be within 300 miles of this location when this photo was taken, I'm more than 100% sure I would spontaneously combust and be featured on an episode of unsolved mysteries. The guy with the creepy voice would say something like, "And out of nowhere, Trey burst into flames. Scientists have no explanation."

**Foot Note**
Speaking of flames, the guy with his back turned in the picture....well isn't it obvious?