Somebody call 911, Shawty fire burnin up my underpants, whoa!

Sdorry abmnout posrting these pix...For safrtey reeasons, I handcufgfed both my hnds to thhje bedd postsa and I'm tyoio0ping thids withmy tonguye. IN csase yiou dont knkow, Marisaa Miller is hottr thban fire. I wold fihgt a rabid Griuzzley bear wirth a pipe cleaner and and rubbr band for one sloww song couple's skate wiht her.

For your Saturday viewing pleasure...

There's not much you can add to pictures like these. This chick literally tilts over and pours out sexuality. When we dated back in 2004, she was really into me, like psycho into me, but I was going through a rough patch and I just wasn't ready to be tied down. You see, I'm elusive like a wild mustang running free on the plains. Was she a conquest, just another notch on my belt, you ask. I say no, but really, who am I say what motivates this fiery untameable libido of mine.

Erin Andrews hasn't fooled me...

ESPN reporter Erin Andrews told Oprah Winfrey that she is looking forward to getting back to work, and putting the July incident in which she was secretly taped in a hotel room naked (which was then leaked onto the Internet) behind her.

Andrews told Oprah Winfrey she "opened up the computer [and] could feel my heart pounding," when she found out about what had occurred, describing the incident as a "nightmare."

So, here goes yet another obvious reason to hate so-called celebrities. Just like Paris, Kim Kardashindlkhdmighkjian, and other, "oops my sex tape leaked I'm so embarrassed" quasi stars out there, Erin Andrews has been on the tour of fame since her naked hotel video was leaked a few months ago. Granted, I don't know Erin Andrews, but I would bet she's light years beyond the aforementioned idiots in regard to character and integrity; nonetheless, I have a sneaky suspicion this incident follows the age old mantra, bad publicity is good publicity. For the record, I think the stolen tape is appalling and was definitely an inside job by some douche at ESPN. Still though, secretly, if she could take it back, I bet you a million dollars and eternal youth, she wouldn't. Three months ago, you could've asked anyone outside of the college football fan base who this chick was and maybe 1 out of 50 would've known her. Now, after a stupid naked video is leaked, she's on Oprah. Saying her heart was pounding as she opened her computer to watch the video is ridiculous. She may have been nervous, her heart may have been pounding, but it was only because she was hoping the video was filmed on one of her "skinny days." You know Erin, just be honest. In your recent GQ spread, you make it pretty obvious that you realize the importance of your sexuality and don't mind making the necessary sacrifices. I wish the interview would've gone something like this:

"You know Oprah, this sucks. I hope to catch the guy who filmed it because he's twisted, but I don't regret this whole ordeal. It's made me ridiculously famous and one step closer to my ultimate goal, Monday Night Football. Afterall, it's no secret I've based my whole career on being 80% hot and 20% talented. Look at the tape for heaven's sake. I'm hot. That's why college students and coaches love me. Thanks Oprah for this chance to explain myself. (Leans over to Oprah and whispers) "I love your show by the way.'"

Dear Timmy,

I conceed you're an amazing talent. I conceed you have a remarkable moral compass. But dude, WTF is this? Are you seriously shirtless in the clouds in Ben Hill Griffin? Looking at this picture makes me think I've jumped into Sigfreid and Roy's wet dreams. Gimme a G-A-Y-T-O-R-S!!!