Everyone rest easy...

After hours of deliberation and discussion regarding our future, you'll be happy to know, Cheryl and I have decided to see this through. She and I have worked it out and she totally forgives me for being "insensitive about her feelings." I know now that birthdays are "special" and that I should be more "attentive" to her "needs." I know all these words about feelings and caring and understanding make me sound a little soft and effeminate, but it really wouldn't matter what she asked me to do, I'd be game. If Cheryl Cole suggested I run naked through troughs of fat tailed scorpions while Austrailian Aborigines threw razor blade boomerangs at my genitals, I'd think, "How did I get so lucky to have such an understanding and reasonable girl?" I would answer back to myself in a low confident voice, God only knows, Trey. God only knows."

I feel like such an imbicile...how could i forget?

I must take this opportunity to apologize openly to everyone and especially my lil Brit girlfriend for forgetting; otherise, I'm in chateau bow-wow for weeks. You see, my girl turned 26 today and not only did I not post about her, I didn't even have the decency to call her. So, in essence cherry muffin, I'm sorry. Truly sorry.

In a related story, The American Idol, and I mean idol, Fantasia, turned 25 today. She still can't read or write, her house was foreclosed on, and to this day, not one person in the Milky Way galaxy can recite a title to one of her songs without consulting wikipedia or Nostradamus.

This one dates a footballer, Jame, and I hate him too.

Cheryl Tweedy went out in leather/spandex pants and did what she does best...look ridonkulously hot. Girls like this don't date normal guys. They date footballers. I know "soccer" players in the US are usually the borderline retarded kids running around on the field because early on, you don't even really have to have vital signs in order to feel part of the action; however, appararently footballers are like Lancelot or Achilles in Europe; mythical creatures of bravery and beauty sent to rid the world of all available, beautiful, European women. The fact that this guy landed Cheryl Cole is truly light years beyond my comprehension. Damn you Chelsea! Damn You!

Being this hot is almost a curse.

Cheryl Tweedy delievers time and time again. She could wear a burlap sack with those spring loaded eyeball clown glasses and Ronald McDonald shoes and I'd still walk seven miles on hot coals while battling fire breathing dragons and evil wizards for an opportunity to stand next to her in the supermarket.

Mountain climber, philanthropist, object of my obsession

Cheryl Cole and some other stars which I could care less about, are rasing money for people facing poverty in the UK and Africa. (Rednose) Nothing about this story is interesting except Cheryl Cole hiking Mt Kilimanjaro to raise money. I think this is my chance to save her life when she slips on loose rocks and she falls in love with her savior. Don't laugh. That's how Kevin Costner landed Whitney Houston in The Bodygaurd. I can picture it...like the opening scene from Cliffhanger except she wouldn't fall to her death, instead fall into to my tent later that night after closing the misquito netting...Malaria is the number one African killer.

WHY TOM WHY?

Genetic Powerball Winner, Tom Brady, and his tranny i-dont-know-why-people-think-shes-hot-model-girlfriend, got engaged over the holidays on a private jet. Tom, buddy, I'm not trying to be rude, but marriage? To this dude? You can do waaay better. Like these to name a few.

1. Cheryl Cole
2. Cheryl Cole
3. Cheryl Cole

Come on Tom...first you let the Patriot fans down...then me.

The obligatory picture of Aphrodite below.

Can you really do this?

An Australian man was encouraged, according to him, to squander millions in a gambling spree in which the casinos knowingly targeted him due to his fat wallet and his inability to say no to his gambling demons. In a related story, today I filed suit against Heidi Klum, Marissa Miller and Cheryl Cole for their hotness and knowingly targeting my inability to say no to their internet pictures and all the secrets held by Victoria.

CANBERRA (Reuters) - "An Australian gambler who lost millions in a A$1.4 billion ($909 million) gaming spree is suing one of the country's largest casinos, claiming he was targeted by managers despite a known gambling addiction.

In a case which lawyers say could have implications stretching to China, gambling addict Harry Kakavas is suing Crown Casino in Melbourne for A$50 million damages after a mammoth 14-month baccarat binge in which he lost A$37 million.

At the time in 2007, property developer Kakavas had been barred from every casino in Australia.

But the Supreme Court in Victoria state was told that Crown's management did not "give a monkey's" about a prohibition in place since 2004, the Age newspaper said.

Supreme Court documents said Kakavas wore a concealed recorder that captured Crown managers allegedly attempting to lure him back to its riverside baccarat tables.

Crown is owned by Australian billionaire James Packer, who also operates Crown Macau and is developing a second casino project, The City of Dreams, in the Chinese territory. Last year the company reported profits of A$370 million.

"We have no intention of responding to the allegations made publicly. We are defending the action vigorously," Crown spokesman Gary O'Neill told Reuters.

Court documents in Melbourne alleged that emails detailed a Crown plan to lure back Kakavas after managers discovered he had lost millions of dollars gambling in Las Vegas.

If found guilty, Crown could be judged to have breached Australia's Trade Practices Act, state gambling regulations and special laws covering the high-profile casino's operation."

Cheryl Cole is hideous.

Ok...so the title was duplicitous. The truth is, Cheryl (Tweedy) Cole is so hot that everytime I see a picture of her I lose bladder control, light my underwear on fire, and spend the rest off the day trying to kick myself in the head like the midgets capriciously do on Jackass. Pictures of this chick have reached a point where it's truly unhealthy for me. Like Lot's wife, I may not be around much longer. I've been warned.

P.S. If you know what's good for you, I wouldn't say anything about that tattoo, if you want to live. I helped her pick it out.