I think there's a firestorm in my underoos.

Famous celebrity photographer, Russell James, recently drugged Heidi Klum, among other supermodels, stripped them down, got them dirty, got them wet...hold on(BRB)......regains breath......ok, and took their pictures for his new book and all I can think of is how much I hate Russell James. If I had known that straight people could photograph supermodels, I would've certainly been a professional supermodel photographer. What the hell were my guidance counselors doing? Why weren't they directing me toward my God given gifts and abilities. That's what happens when you grow up in a small town. Fashion magazines and Sport Illustrated swim suit issues were just figments of my community's imagination. Dammit, I should've branched out. Getting paid for watching models like Heidi strip down and roll around in the sand seems a little less like work and little more like a honeymoon in Maldives. I'm probably only going to leave this post up a few days for fear that everytime I access the page and see these pics, I'm going to black out, only to found I've awoken in a pool of my own sweat with my jeans shredded and bloody, like I've been simultaneously attacked by a pack of rabid starving wolverines and a werewolf.

Models have interrupted my Chi and ruined any chances for Feng Shui

I know Marisa Miller is attractive, but she is no Christie Brinkley. And by that, I mean, Christie Brinkley is like 50-something and smoking with blonde hair and decent skin. Marisa Miller has so much sun damage her face will look like a fried green tomato in 10 years. Her ginormous breasts will look like those weinie dog ballons that those ballon artists with painted faces blow up on the sidewalk and try to sell to little kids. Let's face it, she's a weathered 30 year old girl with a smoking body. Her face is pretty, but she's in no way Heidi, Adriana, or Karolina...she's just not. Maybe it's because she's American and not German, Russian or Brazilian. It seems logical to me. Despite all of this, I find these pictures, for now in her temporary hotness, very very intriguing. I would normally say something like, "I would wrap nematocysts from sea-wasps around my penis while running on top of broken bottles of staph infections and gonorrhea for a chance to be on the same beach as this chick." Instead, I'll say, "I like these pics, but knowing that she's a ticking time bomb of melanoma, excess skin and "liver" spots, I think I'm gonna pass on this Californian."