Mila Kunis reminds me how much I loved Black Swan

Mila Kunis was cast in Black Swan without an audition. Instead, she and the director, Darren Aronofsky, Skyped for ten minutes and that was it. He said he had fallen for Kunis in Forgetting Sarah Marshall and knew instantly she would be a perfect fit. Yeah, no kidding. Mila Kunis is gorgeous. You could cast Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman in a movie where they both read the phone book for two hours while wearing Snuggies and it would be a hit. I'm not sure Darren Aronofsky is as much a genius as he is normal sexually charged heterosexual male with great taste in women. Wait, I think I can direct. Hollyweird, here I come!

You know you're a rocket when...

I've been smitten by Natlie Portman since like 1996 when a semi-pedo Bear, Timothy Hutton, was watching his life unravel over the trauma of growing up and especially, her 13 year old beauty in Beautiful Girls. It instantly became one of my favorite movies. Everyone, including me, that witnessed her breakthrough performance, knew right then and there, Natalie Portman was destined for stardom. I've always said being a hot girl is about as powerful as living on Mt Olympus and being part of mythology. It's the most powerful commodity on the face of the Earth. Natalie Portman has been been a resident of that mythological mountain for years and she's always the hottest girl in the room...until this night happened. I'm sure it never occurred to her, since she's always embarrassed her competition, that someone standing next to her would make her seem homely. Boy did she underestimate Mila Kunis' ridonkulous effortless Eastern European hotness. These pictures are from The Black Swan premiere, set to open next weekend, and holy erections, does this make me dizzy. I don't know if I'll see the movie, but I do know Black Swan is about Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis playing rival ballet dancers, and at some point in the film, they have a steamy sex scene with copious amounts of gratuitous nudity. Wait, what the hell am I saying...

"Sir, one adult for The Black Swan."

My retinas just waved the white flag

I'm not exactly sure how cameras actually managed to capture this still. The fact that this image didn't cause a spontaneous combustion of the camera and/or the photographer must be an unsolved mystery. When I picture the male version of the movie Taken, you know, the adult sex slave trade, I picture these two chicks buying me while I'm geeked up on heroin and forcing me to make sweet love to them everyday in weird andd compromising positions while I feed them strawberries and cruise around the world on their private yacht. The truth is, I would trade having my junk injected by a 7 gauge needle infected with impetigo and smallpox for one night stuck between these two chicks. These girls are so pretty that they look like amess and yet still, this seriously could be the most beautiful picture ever taken...At least since my Glamour Shot last week.

Why is God so cruel?

Not only is Mila Kunis single handedly responsible for the success of Forgetting Sarah Marshall, but she's about to absolutely blow up as a leading lady in young Hollywood. Mike Judge's new movie, Extract, looks originally funny, but most importantly, exposes Mila at her very best. To top that off though, news sources released reports that Mila will star along with Natalie Portman in a movie about two rival ballet students. Now that sentence about ballet would normally make my penis pack its clothes and find another home, but in this movie, there is reportedly a scene in which the two actresses engage in, "ecstasy-induced hungry aggressive angry sex." Now I'm not one to exaggerate anything, but if this movie delivers on its promises, there is no chance I can go to the theaters to watch this without being arrested and having lewd and lascivious somewhere in my sundry list of predatory and sexually explicit charges. I would share needles with Magic Johnson in exchange for one day holding the microphone during the filming of this scene. Macaulay Culkin landing this Ukrainian goddess is simply cruelty poured on my sinking testosterone and lit on fire.