Mila Kunis reminds me how much I loved Black Swan

Mila Kunis was cast in Black Swan without an audition. Instead, she and the director, Darren Aronofsky, Skyped for ten minutes and that was it. He said he had fallen for Kunis in Forgetting Sarah Marshall and knew instantly she would be a perfect fit. Yeah, no kidding. Mila Kunis is gorgeous. You could cast Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman in a movie where they both read the phone book for two hours while wearing Snuggies and it would be a hit. I'm not sure Darren Aronofsky is as much a genius as he is normal sexually charged heterosexual male with great taste in women. Wait, I think I can direct. Hollyweird, here I come!

Macaulay's deal with devil just expired...

News broke today that surprised everyone, Mila Kunis and Macaulay Culkin broke up after 7 years of being together...and by surprised I mean, not surprised. I think she woke up one day and realized that over the last three years she has taken Hollywood by storm and has become a leading lady and meanwhile, her boyfriend's highlight was 20 years ago when he applied aftershave without facial hair and screamed intot he camera. Mila Kunis is so hot that she came to this country from Ukraine, learned english by watching The Price is Right, has only been in show business for a short time, and she's already 30x's more successful than Lindsay Lohan. Macaulay can live longer than those Asian dudes with the hairy moles and he'll look back at these 7 years as the greatest time of his life.

You know you're a rocket when...

I've been smitten by Natlie Portman since like 1996 when a semi-pedo Bear, Timothy Hutton, was watching his life unravel over the trauma of growing up and especially, her 13 year old beauty in Beautiful Girls. It instantly became one of my favorite movies. Everyone, including me, that witnessed her breakthrough performance, knew right then and there, Natalie Portman was destined for stardom. I've always said being a hot girl is about as powerful as living on Mt Olympus and being part of mythology. It's the most powerful commodity on the face of the Earth. Natalie Portman has been been a resident of that mythological mountain for years and she's always the hottest girl in the room...until this night happened. I'm sure it never occurred to her, since she's always embarrassed her competition, that someone standing next to her would make her seem homely. Boy did she underestimate Mila Kunis' ridonkulous effortless Eastern European hotness. These pictures are from The Black Swan premiere, set to open next weekend, and holy erections, does this make me dizzy. I don't know if I'll see the movie, but I do know Black Swan is about Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis playing rival ballet dancers, and at some point in the film, they have a steamy sex scene with copious amounts of gratuitous nudity. Wait, what the hell am I saying...

"Sir, one adult for The Black Swan."

You're welcome, Daniel.

Look, I know love is blind, but the kid from Home Alone? Come on, Mila. You simply must do better. Like me for instance. Are muscle bound superheroes with a gift of love poetry not your thing? Obviously. Growing up in Ukraine must have been very taxing. I can see that it has clouded your vision and your ability to appreciate the finer things in life. It's ok, Mila. You're allowed to love. I know it's hard to understand how someone like me could love you, but I've realized, you can't run from love. The surreptitious advances, the cards signed with cut out newspaper letters, the singing telegrams, the life size build-a-bears, they have to stop. I'm so confused amidst all of the mixed signals. You either have to face your fears and jump, or you let me go. I just can't continue to put myself out there for you anymore. I'll wait to hear from you (Crying with hand telephone gesture to ear while mouthing the words, "Call me").

Thank you Kiev, Ukraine

Forgetting Sarah Marshall is proving to be impossible when Mila Kunis keeps doing photo shoots like this. Honest to God, I can't say enough about how happy I am that the communism collapse caused an exodus of smoking hot Eastern Europeans to the United States in search of fame and fortune; although sadly, or not, most of them end up in Van Nuys starring in films like Chitty Chitty Gang Bang. Regardless, we have to thank Reagan for girls like Mila Kunis. Without him outspending the USSR in the Cold War, we'd be left with boring run-of-the-mill American girls that do nothing to pique my interest. If you're more than 2nd generation American, you're invisible to me.

My retinas just waved the white flag

I'm not exactly sure how cameras actually managed to capture this still. The fact that this image didn't cause a spontaneous combustion of the camera and/or the photographer must be an unsolved mystery. When I picture the male version of the movie Taken, you know, the adult sex slave trade, I picture these two chicks buying me while I'm geeked up on heroin and forcing me to make sweet love to them everyday in weird andd compromising positions while I feed them strawberries and cruise around the world on their private yacht. The truth is, I would trade having my junk injected by a 7 gauge needle infected with impetigo and smallpox for one night stuck between these two chicks. These girls are so pretty that they look like amess and yet still, this seriously could be the most beautiful picture ever taken...At least since my Glamour Shot last week.

Mila Kunis put on a clinic at the Emmys

This should be a lesson to all Hollywood starlets that want to be famous and desired. This Ukrainian goddess just humiliated anyone that's ever been called beautiful. I really wanted to write about this right after the Emmy Awards a few days ago, but I've been incapable of looking at this picture without having violent seizures, blackouts (as I conveniently call them), and waking up to realize I need emergency skin grafts from what my psychiatrist informed me to call for the sake of my professional career, "extracurricular activities".

Why is God so cruel?

Not only is Mila Kunis single handedly responsible for the success of Forgetting Sarah Marshall, but she's about to absolutely blow up as a leading lady in young Hollywood. Mike Judge's new movie, Extract, looks originally funny, but most importantly, exposes Mila at her very best. To top that off though, news sources released reports that Mila will star along with Natalie Portman in a movie about two rival ballet students. Now that sentence about ballet would normally make my penis pack its clothes and find another home, but in this movie, there is reportedly a scene in which the two actresses engage in, "ecstasy-induced hungry aggressive angry sex." Now I'm not one to exaggerate anything, but if this movie delivers on its promises, there is no chance I can go to the theaters to watch this without being arrested and having lewd and lascivious somewhere in my sundry list of predatory and sexually explicit charges. I would share needles with Magic Johnson in exchange for one day holding the microphone during the filming of this scene. Macaulay Culkin landing this Ukrainian goddess is simply cruelty poured on my sinking testosterone and lit on fire.

How you doin'?

If you're dead to me, then you probably haven't seen Forgetting Sarah Marshall. If you have seen that masterpiece of American comedy, then there's no doubt you're as in love with this Ukranian as I. Megan Fox's freckled, premature aging, tattooed body will look like elephant skin disguised with Botox in 10 years when she's playing in B or soft core movies on Skinemax still trying to make a living in Hollywood. Now I'm not saying that Mila Kunis is going to be an Oscar winner, but she will be hot, which is more than I can say for Megan's Narcissus Fox. The point is this...I would swim 300 yards underwater through a colloid of liposuction fat and mayonaise while being shot at by Macaulay Culkin for a chance encounter in a Kiev coffee shop with Mila Kunis.