I think there's a firestorm in my underoos.

Famous celebrity photographer, Russell James, recently drugged Heidi Klum, among other supermodels, stripped them down, got them dirty, got them wet...hold on(BRB)......regains breath......ok, and took their pictures for his new book and all I can think of is how much I hate Russell James. If I had known that straight people could photograph supermodels, I would've certainly been a professional supermodel photographer. What the hell were my guidance counselors doing? Why weren't they directing me toward my God given gifts and abilities. That's what happens when you grow up in a small town. Fashion magazines and Sport Illustrated swim suit issues were just figments of my community's imagination. Dammit, I should've branched out. Getting paid for watching models like Heidi strip down and roll around in the sand seems a little less like work and little more like a honeymoon in Maldives. I'm probably only going to leave this post up a few days for fear that everytime I access the page and see these pics, I'm going to black out, only to found I've awoken in a pool of my own sweat with my jeans shredded and bloody, like I've been simultaneously attacked by a pack of rabid starving wolverines and a werewolf.

Holy Crazy Batman!

A Maryland woman involved with a group described as a religious cult pleaded guilty in the starvation death of her son, but insisted that the charges be dropped when he is resurrected.

Under terms of her plea agreement, Ria Ramkissoon's charges will be dropped if her son rises from the dead.

Ramkissoon, a member of a group called One Mind Ministries, believes Javon Thompson, her year-old son, will rise again, and as part of her plea agreement, authorities agreed to the clause.

"She certainly recognizes that her omissions caused the death of her son," Silverman said. "To this day, she believes it was God's will and he will be resurrected and this will all take care of itself. She realizes if she's wrong, then everyone has to take responsibility ... and if she's wrong, then she's a failure as a mother and the worst thing imaginable has happened. I don't think that, mentally, she's ready to accept that."

Under the plea agreement, Ramkissoon, 22, must testify against four other One Mind Ministries members who are also facing charges, including first-degree murder, in Javon's death. At her sentencing, set for August, she will receive a 20-year sentence, which will be suspended except for the time she has already served behind bars, Silverman said. She must also undergo deprogramming and psychiatric counseling.

Ramkissoon and the others are accused of denying Javon food after the group's leader, a 40-year-old woman who goes by the name Queen Antoinette, decreed the boy was a demon since he refused to say "amen" after meals, Silverman said.

"Ria would cling to him every day and try to get him to say 'amen,' " Silverman said. Eventually, Queen Antoinette ordered that Ramkissoon be separated from the child, he said.

Javon is believed to have died in December 2006, court documents allege. Following his death, the group members put the boy's body in a back room, and "everyone was directed to come in and pray," according to the documents. "The Queen told everyone that 'God was going to raise Javon from the dead.' Javon remained in the room for an extended period of time (in excess of one week). The resurrection never took place."

Really? I was almost positive that he would resurrect. I can't believe this. Where are the miracles these days? Oh yeah, the miracle of this story is that this poor little child doesn't have to live with its crazy ass mother. What has to happen in your life when you're so desperate for love and acceptance, that joining a crazy cult that urges the murder of your helpless child, seems like the logical path to emotional redemption. Crazy is staggering down Peachtree Street screaming at yourself. This insanity, it's beyond words. This girl makes Charlie Manson seem like the Prom King or the Youth Director at your local church. You're a nut case if you kill your own child, but when you start talking about resurrection, long distance can't reach you to bring you back to the land of normalcy. Execute this woman. Don't wait for a trial or for her son to come back from the dead. I would love to pull the switch on this one.

I'm still waiting on my money from Tanzania.

I'm not sure this one was a scam. Mike Nash is going to be regretting this for a long long time. Opportunities don't come along like this very often.

This smiling dumbass should be locked away without food or water.

Two cats suffered so cruelly before dying, prosecutors say, that they decided to charge a Palm Beach County teacher with two felonies Monday.

Police initially accused Allison Dinsmore, 26, of misdemeanor animal cruelty this month when her two cats' wasted corpses were found in her Boca Raton apartment.

Investigators said the Congress Middle School teacher's cats clawed up the apartment in a frantic search for food as they starved for up to a month before they died. The corpses then rotted in the filthy apartment about a month before an apartment manager found them.

Prosecutors upped the charges to two counts of felony cruelty to animals, saying her actions caused "excessive or repeated infliction of unnecessary pain or suffering." The new charges each carry a maximum penalty of up to five years in prison.

Dinsmore told police in February that she had been working long hours at her school and spent a lot of time at her boyfriend's house. Police said she also went on a family camping trip while the cats starved.

She said she couldn't remember the last time she had been home, but thought she had left food and water for her cats.

The two cats were found dead Feb. 23 by a manager at Boca Sol apartments. Police said Dinsmore hadn't paid rent, and a manger went to her home to talk to her and check out the apartment. The manager found the two dead cats, signs of a frenzied search for food and water, and feces and urine everywhere, according to police.

The smell was so bad, an officer had to cover his mouth with a rag when he first went inside, the report said.

A necropsy determined the cats suffered neglect for weeks or months before dying a slow, painful death from starvation and dehydration.

I've always supported public school systems, but the more I hear about government's increasing influence and the brainwashing of our children, poor examples of leadership and personal responsibility like this girl guiding the lives of youth, and an increasingly alarming tilt toward government dependence and intellectual mediocrity, the more I am terrified to send my child to a school with people like this idiot leading and shaping them. I know that sheltering your child from the woes of world isn't the answer, but very few places and very few people have more of an influence in your child's life than a teacher. If this exemplary young woman is representative of government schools and its leadership, then frankly, I don't trust any government school or teacher shaping the mind of my child. In this particular instance, someone that can treat a cat, one of the few pets that if released can actually provide and hunt for itself, is completely inhumane and cruel. There is no chance that this was an accident. The smile on this girl's face should get her 10 years in jail, minimum. Stories like this make me lose faith in humanity.

Chromatophores just make things cooler

Evolution has been very kind to cephalopods and chameleons. For years scientist thought the primary purposes of camouflage via chromatophores was to evade predation and/or aid in hunting. Turns out, especially among cephalopods, the color and texture change allows the creatures communicate with one another while keeping their anonymity and exposing themselves to predators as well as present themselves "more attractive" to possible mates. Using chromatophore technology, albeit somewhat far-fetched, seems really useful for the military and soldier's safety, or me sneaking into Heidi Klum's bathroom while she showers.

Mr President, does this mean we can fire you too?

A White House official told FOX Business that Wagoner was asked by the Administration to step down as a precondition for the company to continue to get help with its restructuring.

"This does not surprise me... Rick has seen good and bad times and it seems that a fresh face is needed,” said Mike Green, president of United Auto Workers Local 652 in Lansing, Mich. "There are a lot of smart, capable people inside GM and this will not muck up anything moving forward."

Wagoner, 56 years old, began his GM career as an analyst in the company's Treasurer's Office in New York in 1977. He had been CEO of the auto maker since 2000.

News of Wagoner’s departure comes as the Obama Administration prepares to brief some people on Capitol Hill about its plans for the auto industry on Sunday evening, in advance of a formal announcement on Monday.

The plans will come from a task force put together by President Obama to figure out what the long-term plans for the auto industry should be, after GM received $13.4 billion and Chrysler, which is owned by private-equity firm Cerberus Capital Management, received $4 billion in bridge loans amid one of the worst downturns the auto industry has ever experienced.

GM in particular has been hemorrhaging cash, losing $9.6 billion in the fourth quarter of 2008 alone.

"We think we can have a successful U.S. auto industry," President Obama said on CBS's "Face the Nation" on Sunday. "But it's got to be one that's realistically designed to weather this storm and to emerge… much more lean, mean and competitive than it currently is."

Mr President, stick to your Marlboro's. This is absolute Socialism. When the White House can trump the stockholders when it comes to better business decisions, there's a HUGE problem. Allowing companies to fail is important. When companies cease to produce affordable, reliable products fail, something or someone else will come in to fill the void. That's what has made this country's markets the most competitive and dynamic in all of the world. The changing time we're in now has left us in a world of government interference, bail-outs, etc. The shareholders should speak to their board, not the White House. This makes me sick. Having the President ask a CEO to stepdown is the most unamerican thing I can think of. Again, if you're not angry, you're either not paying attention, or too stupid to know the difference.

Just another broken campaign promise...

WASHINGTON -- President Obama says he won't consider speeding up the troop pullout from Iraq even though security has improved and violence has decreased.

"I think the plan that we put forward in Iraq is the right one" because it calls for "a very gradual withdrawal through the national elections in Iraq," he said in an interviewed aired Sunday on CBS' "Face the Nation."

While he didn't dispute the notion of military progress, Obama said there's plenty to do on the political side to resolve differences between the various sectarian groups. Iraq's security forces also need to be trained, he added.

"I'm confident that we're moving in the right direction. But Iraq is not yet completed. We still have a lot of work to do," the president said of the war that's winding down after six hard-fought years.

Separately, Defense Secretary Robert Gates told "FOX News Sunday" that he hasn't seen "anything at this point that would lead me to think that there will be a need to change the timeline."

The plan that Obama announced last month calls for withdrawing combat troops by the end of August 2010. After the drawdown, a large force of as many as 50,000 troops -- about one-third of what is there now -- will remain with a new, noncombat mission: train Iraqis, protect U.S. assets and personnel and conduct anti-terror operations.


Iraq is not complete? No sh!t Mr. President. That's exactly what the Bush administration had been telling the American people while Obama used troop withdrawal as a political pawn for election popularity. I wish someone would send a newsflash to President Obama...Sir, the election is over. You can stop your politicking because you won. Now the real job starts. Instead of turning this country into a country of government and beauracracy, try making this country one of capitalistic ideals, private industry and personal responsibility. I'm growing so tired of people not getting the real story. If you're not angry, you're not paying attention. Every capitalistic ideal that made this country great is being traded, without our approval, for those of Socialistic, big government can do it better.

I'm sooooo scared...[enter sarcasm]

I'm not sure the motivation for Rihanna getting gun tattoos, but allowing yourself to be bitten and having your head shoved into the passenger side window certainly doesn't reveal someone that is gangsta or strapped with a gat. This just seems like an attempt to convince yourself that you're not stupid enough to be a battered woman. I felt bad for her when this story initially broke, but now, she just seems like every other celebrity on earth. Shockingly immature, self entitled, pretentious, barely high school educated, and notoriously succeptible to making horrific life decisions...that's celebrity in a nut shell.

He's not famous enough to beat up hookers.

Shamwow/Slapchop infomaster has been a naughty boy it appears. These are two of the best mug shots of all time. His picture looks like he's been held captive without food or water for six months by the Taliban, while the look on her face reveals a quiet confidence and overall sense of accomplishment...almost like, "Yeah Bitch." According to the Smokingun.com, Shlomi, 44, was arrested last month on a felony battery charge following a violent confrontation with a prostitute in his South Beach hotel room. According to an arrest affidavit, Shlomi met Sasha Harris, 26, at a Miami Beach nightclub on February 7 and subsequently retired with her to his $750 room at the lavish Setai hotel. Shlomi told cops he paid Harris about $1000 in cash after she "propositioned him for straight sex." Shlomi said that when he kissed Harris, she suddenly "bit his tongue and would not let go." Shlomi then punched Harris several times until she released his tongue. The affidavit, a copy of which you'll find here, notes that during the 4 AM fight Harris sustained facial fractures and lacerations all over her face (she is pictured here in mug shots snapped following busts in 2008 and 2005). After freeing his tongue, a bleeding Shlomi ran to the Setai lobby, where security summoned cops. Harris refused to cooperate with officers, who recovered $930 from her purse. "Both parties had a strong odor of an alcoholic beverage emitting from their persons," police reported. In a brief telephone interview, Harris declined to answer TSG questions about her run-in with Shlomi, though she did say she is considering a lawsuit against the pitchman. Asked if she worked as a hooker, Harris declined comment. As seen in the below mug shot, Shlomi was also injured during the fracas and, court records show, was treated at Mount Sinai Medical Center. While Shlomi and Harris were both arrested for felony aggravated battery, prosecutors this month declined to file formal charges against the combatants. Police records list Shlomi's occupation as "Marketing," but make no mention of his affiliation with the ShamWow or the Slap Chop, both of which sell for $19.95 (plus shipping and handling).

Slapchopping a hooker for biting seems a little out of line. Isn't that kind if what you signed up for? I'm quite positive sales of the slapchop will increase, but as for that Sham-wow...well, that product is just doomed. If that super absorbent towel can't get the blood off of his face, how do they expect me to believe that it'll dry a spilled soda. Dammit, I knew they were liars.

Lindsay Lohan is doing awesome.

As you can plainly tell by this photo, Lindsay Lohan has it all together. She is the epitome of a timeless Hollywood starlet. In fact, when I think of Hollywood, I think Kathrine Hepburn then Lindsay Lohan. Everything about her is a wreck--her sad father blogging about his life, her SaMANtha boyfriend...all of it. Dude, just like your daughter, you're not a star and no one cares about you. It's such a funny place, fame. Gone are the days of talent giving rise to your star power. Acting, singing, dancing--who cares about silly things like that? When you make yourself horizontally mattress accessible and put it on film, have it "stolen," well then, you're on your way to the top. That's new fame. Lindsay Lohan hasn't done a successful movie in like 5 or more years. In fact, the last time she had a successful box office showing, she was still involved with Disney. Things aren't getting any better for her it appears. Her latest movie not only will forego its appearance in the theaters, but this piece of total garbage won't even be released on video. It's going straight to TV. Eric Roberts movies don't even do that. This is actually Lindsay's greatest accomplishment. This will almost certainly solidify her the honor of not just her first Razzie, but her second. (I Know Who Killed Me).

US Magazine reports:
The film's production company, Nu Image/Millennium Films, has confirmed that the comedy will premiere on ABC Family in July 2009. It will be released on DVD a month later. In the film -- which wrapped last August -- Lohan plays a woman who fakes being pregnant to save herself from being fired. She must then keep the lie going for nine months. It is the latest film dud for the star, whose last movie efforts include the critically-panned indie Chapter 27 and I Know Who Killed Me. She briefly appeared on ABC's Ugly Betty.

Despite being broke and out of work, Lindsay, known for making amazingly solid decisions, recently bought a brand new Maserati, which she's already wrecked, and a Presidential Rolex.

I'm not trying to be presumptuous, but I'm almost sure my sexually explicit role in Prince of Tides has more reputable Hollywood significance than anything Lindsay Lohan has done.

I knew I had seen this story before.

A fighter pilot who survived the crash of his training jet plunged to his death with a rescuer Wednesday after a cord broke as they were being pulled up to a helicopter, an Ecuador military official said.

The pilot, identified as Rafael Durango, and an unidentified co-pilot, had earlier ejected safely from their MK-89 Strikemaster before it crashed into a jungle near the Colombian border.

Ecuadorean military officials said two helicopters were sent to recover them.

But an air force official later said the rescue went awry as Durango and a rescuer were being lifted up to one of the hovering choppers.

"A cord that was attached to a helicopter broke and the pilot and one of the rescuers fell, dying in the rescue operation,'' the official said.

The second pilot was successfully rescued, the official said.

Colonel Hugo Lanas, an Ecuadorean air force spokesman, said earlier that the MK-89 Strikemaster was on a training mission in northeastern Sucumbios province when it crashed.

There is a heavy military presence in the area because of frequent incursions by Colombian guerrillas.

It was the Ecuadorean air force's second plane crash in less than a week.

On Thursday, a twin-engine Beechcraft 200 propeller plane crashed into an apartment building during a training exercise, killing seven people on board as well as two on the ground in northern Quito.

Law proposed in favor of hard working Americans...I kid you not.

Lawmakers in at least eight states want recipients of food stamps, unemployment benefits or welfare to submit to random drug testing.

The effort comes as more Americans turn to these safety nets to ride out the recession. Poverty and civil liberties advocates fear the strategy could backfire, discouraging some people from seeking financial aid and making already desperate situations worse.

Those in favor of the drug tests say they are motivated out of a concern for their constituents' health and ability to put themselves on more solid financial footing once the economy rebounds. But proponents concede they also want to send a message: you don't get something for nothing.

"Nobody's being forced into these assistance programs," said Craig Blair, a Republican in the West Viginia Legislature who has created a Web site — notwithmytaxdollars.com — that bears a bobble-headed likeness of himself advocating this position. "If so many jobs require random drug tests these days, why not these benefits?"

I made myself reread this like 10 times before I could believe it. Kansas, West Virginia, Minnesota, Oklahoma, Florida, Missouri, Tennessee, are officially awesome. Not that this will pass(see prior post), but man wouldn't it be awesome. The article goes on to say lottery winnings for welfare recipients would be capped at 600.00. Wow...what anovel idea. When you're receiving Government assistance, you can't spend your days at the convvenient store buying booze and lottery tickets. This is finally legislation that rewards integrity. I know it will be defeated by like a million to 4, picketed by the ACLU, among others, but if you have more than three brain cells left from your excessive drug abuse, you would know that this is a good idea.

Substitute Obama for every Prime Minister

John Adams once said, "Government is instituted for the common good; for the protection, safety, prosperity, and happiness of the people; and not for profit, honor, or private interest of any one man, family, or class of men; therefore, the people alone have an incontestable, unalienable, and indefeasible right to institute government; and to reform, alter, or totally change the same, when their protection, safety, prosperity, and happiness require it." The most profound excerpt of this quote is, the right of the people alone to institute and manage government. We have lost sight of the importance and value of that right. We have sat idle by and watched as our beloved republic has become a true democracy. As I have quoted many times before, a democracy will cease to exist when the populous realizes they can vote themselves the treasury. This will, without equivocation, lead to the collapse of America as a world power and leader in the free world of humanism. When achievement is not only unrewarded, but discouraged and punished, America will witness our demise and the brevity will be shocking. When citizens lose the will for achievement, they also surrender unknowingly their responsibility and accountability. Perhaps the most detrimental perversion to occur within our republic is the discouragement and inability to question our government and its leaders. The framers of the Constitution not only made available this right to free speech, but demanded it to ensure freedoms to every citizen and further our prosperity. The President has become a figure whom no one shall dare to hold to a higher standard. President Obama's arrogant and annoyed retort to the question of why it took two days to respond to the AIG bonuses not only permanently black-balled the reporter from further press conferences in the White House, but encompassed the fundamental disconnect between our citizens and its government. Until that perception changes, we are Coriolisly spiraling just like our toilet water.

Is it just me?

A bachelorette party became either the worst or best one ever when two women were arrested after a police horse got hit by a 5-foot long novelty penis.

Wichita police arrested three people on Sunday in an incident that began when a man threw an inflatable penis at an officer’s horse.

Officers were patrolling the Old Town area on horseback at about 1:20 a.m. when they came across a large group of women in their early- to mid-20s who had been celebrating at a bachelorette party, police said.

Also in the group was a 24-year-old man, a brother to one of the women at the party. He was carrying a 5-foot-long inflatable penis, police said.

“While he was joking around with this toy, he launched this large toy toward one of our officers, who was on horseback,” police spokesman Gordon Bassham said.

The toy struck the officer’s horse, causing the horse to get spooked, he said.


Wouldn't you love to be the relatively sober group watching this go down at 1:30 in the morning. The funniest part is of all the girls capable of carrying a five foot inflatable penis, it's the one dude that does it. I don't know this dude from Adam, but I would bet the cure for chlamydia that this dude isn't interested in carnal knowledge of the girls in the group. If you're a dude and you're carrying a five foot long penis down the street in Kansas of all places, then you're not only a player for the other team, you're a starter. All Conference.

Langley Virginia needs more coffee makers...somebody's alseep at their intelligence desk

HANCOCK, N.Y. — If you didn't know where to look, you'd probably never find Islamberg, a private Muslim community in the woods of the western Catskills, 150 miles northwest of New York City.

The town, sitting on a quiet dirt road past a gate marked with No Trespassing signs, is home to an estimated 100 residents. There are small houses and other buildings visible from the outside, but it is what can't be seen from beyond the gate that has some watchers worried.

Islamberg was founded in 1980 by Sheikh Syed Mubarik Ali Shah Gilani, a Pakistani cleric who purchased a 70-acre plot and invited followers, mostly Muslim converts living in New York City, to settle there.

The town has its own mosque, grocery store and schoolhouse. It also reportedly has a firing range where residents take regular target practice. Gilani established similar rural enclaves across the country — at least six, including the Red House community in southern Virginia — though some believe there are dozens of them, all operating under the umbrella of the "Muslims of the Americas" group founded by Gilani.

Federal authorities say Gilani was also one of the founders of Jamaat al-Fuqra, a terrorist organization believed responsible for dozens of bombings and murders across the U.S. and abroad. The group was linked to the planning of the 1993 World Trade Center bombing, and 10 years earlier a member was arrested and later convicted for bombing a hotel in Portland, Ore.

Shoe bomber Richard Reid has been linked to the group, along with convicted D.C. sniper John Allen Muhammad.

I'm not trying to be anti-Islamic because finding strength, guidance and inspiration through a peaceful faith is one of the greatest gifts to mankind; however, if we eradicate this one city in New York, I'm over 99.2% sure the war is over. This has to be the per capita Islamic-Extremist capital of the world. If those aforementioned people can indeed be linked to this city, then what in the hell does the CIA do everyday? According to Mission Impossible, they spend their time designing cable and harness accessible white, laser protected rooms containing one single supercomputer holding every top-secret document in our military arsenal. This almost seems like a skit from SNL. We're in the middle of a war against Islamic terrorism, yet there's a city that only allows Muslims and is linked to at least three major acts of terrorism against this country. I know all about our forefathers coming to America to elude religious persecution, but there's freedom and then there's common sense. We're definitely not using the latter. I'm sick and tired of being afraid to hurt people's feelings. Most honest, peaceful, patriotic Americans would welcome a little "racial profiling" if the alternative was being shot by a sniper rifle while pumping gas or having your head sawed off with a dull knife by a group of cowards wearing black hoods, or another Uhaul and or plane blowing up our work places while killing thousands. Political correctness might just cost you your life.

For Those of You That Don't Speak Fluent Ying Yang

I just hope, like Lil John, that this is an act. Sadly, I'm not so sure.

Chris Farley Kills Her Husband

CHARDON, Ohio — A transgender woman was sentenced Friday to four years in prison for killing her frail husband by forcing him to exercise.

Chris Mason, 41, was sentenced in Geauga County Common Pleas Court for reckless homicide in the death of 73-year-old James Mason. She pleaded guilty earlier and could have gotten five years in prison.

Mason's voice quivered as she tearfully apologized for the June death of her husband, who had heart problems. A surveillance camera caught Mason forcing her husband around in the pool.


WHAT?!?! A tranny exercised her husband to death? Good lord, how hard up was this guy that he married this trangendered wreck of a human being. And then to make matters worse, he's tortured by her...him...it. This story has me completely speechless. I'm still trying to figure out who did what to whom, and how anyone could welcome this type of affection. There's got to be some troubled times in your life when you're a 73 year old man, married to a 41 year old man, turned ugly woman that tortures you in a pool until you die. I've been trying, but I actually can't think of a single person on Earth that had a more miserable life than this guy. I would've died too.

**UPDATE**
Autopsy results were released and it appears James Mason died of shame and humiliation.

Boo-Yow, Coach K style!!!!!

Barack Obama picked North Carolina to defeat Louisville for the NCAA championship, a relatively safe selection for a trailblazing president.

Obama spent part of Tuesday making his tournament picks for ESPN, which posted his completed bracket online Wednesday and showed the First Fan filling it out with Andy Katz on the noon edition of "Sportscenter."

Of course, the president's choice drew a reaction from the Tar Heels' most intense rival.

"Somebody said that we're not in President Obama's Final Four, and as much as I respect what he's doing, really, the economy is something that he should focus on, probably more than the brackets," Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski said from the Blue Devils' first-round site in Greensboro, N.C.


I feel a little like President Obama is more worried about elevating popular opinion, than he is about restoring financial order to this nation. Appearing on Jay Leno and making a news story of your NCAA basketball bracket doesn't make you seem Presidential, it makes you seem like the marketing guy from the cubicle on the third floor. President Obama, stratigizing your performance based on opinion polls don't make you a good President, it just makes you a self indulgent narcissist.

Jacksonville Parents sweep Parental Awards...

BAY ST. LOUIS, Miss. — The parents of four sisters found locked in the back of a truck have been charged with child endangerment.

Mississippi Highway Patrol spokesman Cpl. Johnny Poulos said the girls, ages 7, 10, 11 and 15, were discovered in the back of a rental truck.

John and Kimberly Leinweber of Atlantic Beach, Fla., were charged with four counts each of child endangerment, according to Poulos. Authorities said the family was traveling to Louisiana.

The couple is being held without bond in the Hancock County jail pending an initial court appearance, Poulos said.

The sisters were released into the custody of a grandparent from Louisiana.

Hancock County deputies found the children Monday, according to Poulos.


What's the big deal here people. Some Jacksonville man locked them in the back of a Uhaul for 12 hours...it's hardly torture. I mean, when my nephews and nieces come to visit I make them hunt and kill their own food, which is usually rodents found scurrying around the house. Don't worry though, I'm a disciplinarian, they don't eat until they scrub the kitchen tiles with their toothbrushes. ("GO brush your teeth kids!") Ahem, Sorry. Anyway, lay off people spending time with their kids...at least they're trying.

Nancy Pelosi is a Smokeshow!

If I awoke on the operating table from general anesthesia after a blepharoplasty and someone held a mirror in front of me, I would shriek in horror if my eyelids looked like the skeletonous, hybrid sea-monster above. It looks like someone is vigorously sucking the life force and blood out of her, leaving what's left of her facial features seeping and spilling into the crevasses of her eye sockets and foramens. When she speaks, I can't help but notice how one eye is so heroically defiant, always opening at least 30% more than her other less determined one. If I dropped acid and became Nancy Pelosi, I would run from the cops while swerving to hit pedestrians with strollers in hopes they would pull me over and billy club me to death.