Playboy is on the pulse of the American male.

Drug makeover 2.0




Playboy has announced, typically for them, about four years after no one cares anymore, that Lindsay Lohan will pose nude for the dying, decrepid magazine. I'm not sure what guy would want to see Lindsay Lohan nude because that guy is most certainly not this guy. The rumor is, "She has spent three days posing for photgraphers and will leave nothing to the imagination." No shit. She's been doing that for anyone that has booze or cocaine for about four years now. She would get naked for a pack of Fun Dip or a Pixie Stick at this point. If you're some weirdo that would want to look at a vagina that resembled ground turkey with leprosy wounds, this issue of Playboy will be a consumer staple for you. I think I'll pass.

Wait, God, wh...what?

Fame whore, Father(?), professional media chaser, Michael Lohan, jumped at the opportunity to comment on his daughter's most recent arrest and imprisonment:

"As you know, thank God, Lindsay was released from jail tonight. However, what what most don't know is that her release wasn't due to the efforts of any one person. She was released because that's what God wanted.

That's really funny because when I look at the pics above, God must really want her to have herpes and a heroin habit too. This useless dipshit couldn't find a purpose for life if she spent a month with God and the Dalai Lama saving orphans from leprosy and curing cancer. It's funny how Hollyweird works, because I bet like Marilyn, if she OD's and checks out prematurely, people will spend the next 50 years talking about how great and what a trend setter she was and how her impact shaped the fashion world and what a poor victim she was. Let's face it, we've all seen Monroe movies and she was awful. If it weren't for her banging every Kennedy in Massachusetts, her ridiculous dress lifting publicity stunts, and especially her overdose, she would be as forgettable as Pamela Anderson. Lohan will be no different. The irony of Hollywood is no one will touch Lindsay Lohan now because she's box office poison. Let her die though and those same people will talk about how her genius was cut so short by drugs, alcohol and the fast lane of Hollywood. Gosh, Hollywood sucks my ass.

Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!! Mommie!!!!!!!

Someone the press is calling 23 year old Lindsay Lohan, showed up at the MTV awards last night to scare the shit out of everyone. If this girl is 23, my testes have a black belt in jiu-jitsu. My mom is 59 years old and looks 10 years younger than this chick. It would be more likely that I get stranded on a island with Kelly Brook and Cheryl Cole than this chick living to 30. She's aging in dog years, if dogs could get smoke and do drugs.

Lindsay wins Oscar, Ali is...well...bless her heart.

Lindsay Lohan is working for a change...kind of. She's such a disgrace, she even embarrasses Hollywood. That's like impossible because celebrities are so dumb they can't wipe their asses using both hands. Regardless though, Lindsay was photographed promoting (probably begged for celebrity appearance) a milkshake shop in Hollywood with her sister Ali. Lindsay is so clueless the owners of the store corroborated in the back room and gave her a miniature Oscar because they gave up after 13 hours of trying to think of something more humiliating. It turns out, however, that the joke was on them because Lindsay didn't get it. In fact, she was so happy high, it's rumored she gave an acceptance speech thinking she won the real Oscar. Lindsay's mascot sister was there too. It turns out she was celebrating her transformation into an Afghan woman from A Thousand Splendid Suns. William Faulkner couldn't team with Bill Shakespeare and write tragedy like this family. Honestly, you feel sorry for them in one breath. Then you exhale and realize you were just hypoxic and not thinking clearly. Nothing you can ever experience in your life brings you more joy that preying on the misfortune of fame whores like the Lohans. When my schadenfreude tank gets low, I dial into a little TMZ because I know a Lohan is a meltdown away.

Whitney Houston has limitless talent tolerance for drugs

This video is from Whitney's recent concert in Brisbane. If you think of Whitney Houston when you hear, "I will always love you" you will forever hope you never think of her again if you watch this whole video. In fact, someone could slip me six roofies, prop me up in a chair, and wake me up to this howling hyena entertaining Brisbane watching her career disappear into the abyss, and I would do everything within my power to end my life. Whitney Houston looks like balls, but she sounds worse. 15 years ago, Whitney Houston was making gold records in her sleep. Now, it's all drug induced sleep. This world just sucks. Cute, sometimes hot girls like Brittany Murphy OD, while drug addict monsters like Whitney and Lindsay continue to poison me with their refusals to quit living. Just doesn't seem fair.

Kissed by an angel................of death.

If I were 23 years OLD and this were my face, I would wonder what deal I lost with the devil while I was slipped Rohypnol. This is a prime example of what penises, blow, and alcohol will do to you. This must be the new diet for young Hollywood starlets that want to sabotage their own careers.

OMG you look, like, so skinny! I can totally see your eye sockets!

OMG thank you. Yeah, like, I know. I...I...I...I....oh yeah...like I just started the new PBA diet.

OMG...no you didn't? The Penis Blow Alcohol? You're like so lucky!

I know, right? I haven't eaten in like 4 days!

OMG. Sooo jealous!

It's a long way from the top...

When I think about the last year of Lindsay Lohan's life, I start to feel a little like that Native American in the 1980's anti-litter commercial with the single tear streaming down his cheek. Don't get me wrong, I revel the hoopla of her poor decisions, but it just seems almost impossible to go from being regarded as one of the world's most sought after females, to completely and utterly irrelevant. I guess when you spend your 20's snorting massive amounts of cocaine, drinking more Vodka than Mickey Mantle, and having penises poke and prod you from every possible angle, this is what your body turns into. At one point, you could google Lindsay Lohan and get pictures of voluptuous, young, sexy, rather innocent redhead. Now, all you get when you Google Lindsay Lohan are pictures you confuse with saggy, breastfeeding African women in the latest issue of National Geographic.

Could there be anybody more irrelevant?

JLH


I use initials because I physically don't have the effort to type her name out. Despite taking off her weight vest and slimming down to a size 8-10(cough)I mean size 2, she couldn't be more forgotten. I used to like her in 1998 for like 28 minutes...but now, well now, I can't even remember who I'm writing about. What were we talking about?

Jessica Simpson


The ultimate evidence that, whether admittedly or not, men and their love of breasts control the world. There is not one ounce of talent redemption in this girl. She essentially became famous for being a "hot girl fantasy" for men that dream of a pin up body on a girl too naive and stupid to know whether she's alive or dead. I used to say she's stupid like a fox, but then I saw her try to be a pop singer, then an actress, then a country singer. Babe, Chestica, stick with what you're good at doing. PSSST! (whispering) it's not singing or acting. If she didn't date Tony Romo and have ginormous jugs with an IQ of DD...I mean 14, she might actually be swallowed up by a zero gravity blackhole. I'm not a prognosticator, but if I had to guess, Romo will be as likely to marry Jessica as any man is to marry Jennifer Aniston.

Jessica Alba


Jessica Alba ruined the hopes and dreams for desperate men all over the world when she decided to marry some dude I've never heard of before. I've actually tried to like Alba, but I just can't quite drink the Kool-Aid. The best performance she's ever given was in Sin City. Primarily because she played a stripper in leather. Secondarily, because her thespian skillset leaves alot to be desired and luckily for us, she had like 2.21234 lines in the whole movie. I would mention Fantastic Four, but you wouldn't even know what in the hell I was talking about since no one saw it, and if you did, you've hopefully, with massive amounts of medication, regulated your seizures from watching Alba's performances in that adapted comic strip series. I'm not sure what she offers anymore...or perhaps ever did.

Lindsay Lohan


Practiced drunk, coke head, lesbian, fornicator, freckle producer, movie success annihilator, relationship assassin--What else could I possibly add to this? Even Lindsay's own mother, Dina Lohan, who sucks everything good and pure out of life on this earth, is ashamed of her. Her hideously ugly DJ girlfriend, who ironically, was made famous by Lindsay, I think, dumped her, changed the locks, and contemplated a restraining order. When you make someone famous by having sex with them, you know you're famous. When you win two consecutive Razzie awards, you're dead broke, and you're drinking your liver into toxic shock because SaMANtha Ronson, the girl you made famous by having sex with, broke up with you, changed the locks on her house, and contemplated a restraining order, you know you're painfully unfamous.

Katherine Heigl


I remember back in 1994 when My Father the Hero came out with that weird French guy with the bulbous penis shaped nose, I thought Katherine Heigl was dreamy. Then, as I grew into my adolescence and young adulthood, she struck again in the action packed sequel Under Seige 2. Looking back on the Under Seige and Speed movies, I feel I've had the wool pulled over my eyes. How stupid or high was I to willing suspend my disbelief and accept that two characters could be hijacked twice in their lifetimes. I digress. Anyway, Katherine Heigl has the audacity to have her career revived by Gray's Anatomy, leading to being cast as the lead in several blockbuster movies like Knocked Up and 27 Dresses; yet she continuously bashes the production crew of Gray's, openly criticizing its writers and producers, always walks around the streets looking haggard and homely while smoking. She said that she doesn't know if she'll return to the show so she can devote more time to her movie career. Gray's producers have retaliated by being hush hush about the future of her annoying and repulsive character, Izzie. They've hinted that they may kill off her character this year especially with her recent melanoma diagnosis. Since then, Katherine's proverbial tune has changed, stating that if the producers will "have" her back, she would absolutely return. Honestly, please kill this broad. Not only do I want her to die of Melanoma, I want her to get dillusions of parasitosis, tertiary syphilis, and esophageal genital warts, as she spends the remaining few months of her emaciating life begging for assisted suicide. Was that too harsh? Maybe a little.

Honorable Mentions:
Cameron Diaz
Kelly Ripa
Jessica Biel

Lindsay Lohan is doing awesome.

As you can plainly tell by this photo, Lindsay Lohan has it all together. She is the epitome of a timeless Hollywood starlet. In fact, when I think of Hollywood, I think Kathrine Hepburn then Lindsay Lohan. Everything about her is a wreck--her sad father blogging about his life, her SaMANtha boyfriend...all of it. Dude, just like your daughter, you're not a star and no one cares about you. It's such a funny place, fame. Gone are the days of talent giving rise to your star power. Acting, singing, dancing--who cares about silly things like that? When you make yourself horizontally mattress accessible and put it on film, have it "stolen," well then, you're on your way to the top. That's new fame. Lindsay Lohan hasn't done a successful movie in like 5 or more years. In fact, the last time she had a successful box office showing, she was still involved with Disney. Things aren't getting any better for her it appears. Her latest movie not only will forego its appearance in the theaters, but this piece of total garbage won't even be released on video. It's going straight to TV. Eric Roberts movies don't even do that. This is actually Lindsay's greatest accomplishment. This will almost certainly solidify her the honor of not just her first Razzie, but her second. (I Know Who Killed Me).

US Magazine reports:
The film's production company, Nu Image/Millennium Films, has confirmed that the comedy will premiere on ABC Family in July 2009. It will be released on DVD a month later. In the film -- which wrapped last August -- Lohan plays a woman who fakes being pregnant to save herself from being fired. She must then keep the lie going for nine months. It is the latest film dud for the star, whose last movie efforts include the critically-panned indie Chapter 27 and I Know Who Killed Me. She briefly appeared on ABC's Ugly Betty.

Despite being broke and out of work, Lindsay, known for making amazingly solid decisions, recently bought a brand new Maserati, which she's already wrecked, and a Presidential Rolex.

I'm not trying to be presumptuous, but I'm almost sure my sexually explicit role in Prince of Tides has more reputable Hollywood significance than anything Lindsay Lohan has done.