Shake Weight class would be nothing short of awesome

Hilarious Shake Weight Exercise for Women - Watch more Funny Videos

Watching a class full of prowling thirsty cougars all performing the shake weight would be worth getting up at 8:00am on a Saturday and just standing in the back of the room with my arms crossed. You would think they could've picked a better exercise than having the model hold this apparatus with her arms extended in front and watching it shake up and down like she's auditioning for a porno. This is perhaps the most awesome infomercial of all time. I predict Sham Wow-like sales dollars...not to mention ripped cougar BI's and Tri's.

Uri is da Man

Uri Man, a financial analyst, breaks the mold for Wall Street Ivy Leaguers when he set this Fox News anchor's panties on fire. I've never seen a creepy stalker actually win a girl over, but Uri dominated her. She's like Silly Putty in his hands.

Gwinnett is Great!!!

An alleged illegal strip club inside a Lawrenceville Georgia home attracted up to 200people, including teenagers in the middle of the night, a neighbor said.

Gwinnett County Police said the homeowner, Constance Trahan, was operating a strip club in the basement and garage of her home in the 1400 block of Purcell Road.

Police said they found a sign that read “1 Dollar Jello Shots,” along with minors consuming alcohol on July 18.

“There were about 200 people there,” Ferguson said Tuesday. “It took an hour and half to clear the house.”

“It was a regular gathering,” said Christyan Hall, who lives with Trahan. “It’s just a misunderstanding.”

Of course it was a regular gathering, Trahan. When you offer underage teenage boys alcohol and nipples every Friday and Saturday night, a pattern starts to form. There's nothing to misunderstand regarding stripper poles, 18-20 year old guys, bare breasts, and one dollar jell-o shots. Show me a dude that's 18-20 with access to basement strip show with free alcohol, and I'll show you an 18-20 year old guy sitting front row and stuffing dollar bills into g-strings. I have one qualm about this whole fiasco though. I had to take a double take when I first looked at Constance. She is quite the androgenous female strip club owner. Can you imagine how busted the strippers were that would dance in Constance's house? I guess when you're underage, beggars can't be choosers.

Thanks Brad

Alessandra Ambrosio = 4300 degrees Kelvin

Alessandra Ambrosio is kind of hot...and by kind of hot, I mean her ass is like the surface of the sun. If you're the average American girl walking down the street and you pass by this, please try to understand that Brazil is not a real place. It's fictitious, like Krypton or Kevin Costner's Water World. Except instead of birthing Superman or mutants with gills, they produce 5'10" rockets of perfect sexual desire and mocha skin. If I could die and come back as anything, it would either be a Victoria's Secret photographer or the tanning bed of Alessandra Ambrosio. Holy crap, I love Brazilian supermodels.

Obesity is a choice.

Associated Press
WASHINGTON -- New research shows medical spending averages $1,400 more a year for an obese person than for someone who's normal weight.

Overall obesity-related health spending reaches $147 billion, double what it was nearly a decade ago, says the study published Monday by the journal Health Affairs.

Obesity-related conditions now account for 9.1% of all medical spending, up from 6.5%in 1998, the study concluded.

Health economists have long warned that obesity is a driving force behind the rise in health spending. For example, diabetes costs the nation $190 billion a year to treat, and excess weight is the single biggest risk factor for developing diabetes. Moreover, obese diabetics are the hardest to treat, with higher rates of foot ulcers and amputations, among other things.

The new study's look at per-capita spending may offer a shock to the wallets of people who haven't yet heeded straight health warnings.

"Health care costs are dramatically higher for people who are obese and it doesn't have to be that way," said Jeff Levi of the nonprofit Trust for America's Health, who wasn't involved in the new research.

"We have ways of changing behavior and changing those health outcomes so that we don't have to deal with the medical consequences of obesity," added Mr. Levi, who advocates community-based programs that promote physical activity and better nutrition.

Really? Nutrition? Exercise? This is breaking news! If only we had known that dieting and exercise would ameliorate the growing burden obesity puts on our health system and our society. This is just something for which I have absolutely zero tolerance. If you've got a condition that makes losing weight difficult or impossible, it's one thing, but those conditions can't afflict every obese person in America. Simple tasks like walking around Wal-Mart instead of putting your fat ass in a motorized cart are a start to getting healthier. I have little tolerance for individuals that insist on not helping themselves. Losing weight is very very simple. People can order thousands of dollars in exercise equipment, which they won't use, take countless weight loss pills, which are terrible for your heart, or experiment with scores of "fad" diets, that leave you spending countless hours on the porcelain, but of all the things, the simple secret to staying healthy and thin is burning more calories than you consume. That simple equation can keep me from having to pay for your laziness and lack of physical motivation. Half your portions and double your exercise. Skip dessert. Diet Cokes and Snickers don't cancel one another out. Why is this epidemic literally and figuratively crippling America? Why can't the most advanced society in the world demand a healthier lifestyle? Why can't one of the most consumer driven societies in the world abandon or at least demand more from fast food chains? Why have caloric excesses become the norm for young children across the country at every meal? America has fallen victim to a Government that preys on the weak and apathetic. Sadly enough, America has willingly accepted that role. America has lost the drive to achieve. Conversely, those with that drive and focus for financial successes are punished into apathy. We have forgotten the honor, integrity, and freedom that accompany personal responsibility. We are becoming a majority of dependent, careless, underachievers, willing to dance at the strings of a puppeteering BIG GOVERNMENT as long as it promises a stipend or a useless and pointless government employment position that will only keep you down and pining for more. Obesity is completely analogous to this apathy. If you can't muster the dignity and self respect to care for your own or your child's health, why would getting a job or being a productive citizen be on the forefront of your psyche. Handing over your desire to succeed to an asphyxiating government has become the answer for Americans. This financial burden of obesity is just the tip of the iceberg. In every facet of Government, the private sector does it cheaper, more efficiently, and more effectively. Health care will be no different. Obesity percentage is among the highest in the VA health care system. Our patriotic veterans are being given a grave disservice. After dedicating their lives to our freedoms while sacrificing life and limb, they are left to battle for inadequate care in a system that betrays every day. For those that don't know, a VA hospital's M.O. is to cut off your nose to spite your face. In every single state, in every single VA hospital, care is backed up, expensive, ineffective, and apathetic. The inadequacy of care is incomprehensible when compared to care in the free market system. Are there problems with our current system? Of course, but watching a veteran die of metastatic melanoma simply because the VA can't get him to see a Dermatologist, isn't one of them. Government bureaucracy is completely to blame for these shortcomings. With regret to sounding hyperbolic, this situation is grave. There is no turning back. If health care reform passes, these excessive health care costs further burdened by obesity and apathy, will send this country sliding down a slippery ineluctable slope to a total collapse.

Captain Crazy cures son of gayness...

A 23-year-old pre-med student who "got caught up with friends who were pulling him" toward homosexuality is well and undergoing Christian counseling, his family says.

But a gay activist who created a Web site to locate the "missing" man says Bryce Faulkner's silence speaks volumes, claiming that the young man's religious parents are controlling his every move in an effort to "cure" him of his homosexuality.

Debra Faulkner, of El Dorado, Ark., denied the Web site's reports that her son was forced against his will to undergo reparative therapy for homosexuality at Exodus International, a nonprofit Christian organization that seeks "freedom from homosexuality" through Jesus Christ.

"He's fine," Debra Faulkner told FOXNews.com. "All the stories you've been told are not true."

Deb...the the stories are anything, but untrue. Curing your son's gayness is about as likely as me stopping after one drink and not singing thirteen songs on karaoke night. For some, that's just not in the cards. It's not in our DNA. Our boy Bryce, he's gay. Look at that picture. If you get your hands near your face in your yearbook picture, or anything near your face for that matter, you're destined for the theater stage if you know what I mean. The burden that this poor kid must bear has to be overwhelming. Surpressing your gayness by taking a a class from other homophobes just seems illogical and stupid. Growing up in this crazy homophobic family, I'm quite sure if it were a personal choice, your boy Bryce would've chosen the vagina route if he could've. I'm sure when he thought about the snapshot of his life at 23, it would'nt have involved anti-gay counseling, runaways, and reparative therapy. Stories like this remind me of a little poem by the late Phillip Larkin:

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

Who besides me is confused?

Ok, so I wasted an hour of my life tonight watching Obama dance around questions regarding his health care reform bill. It was my understanding that his intent was to better inform and familiarize America with his plan to restructure an admitted flawed healthcare system. The problem was two fold: One, he didn't explain anything. Two, Government isn't the answer. He kept quoting that 40 million Americans are without healthcare in this country. There's about a hundred inaccuracies regarding that statistic. Some of them are as follows: There aren't 40 million uninsured. Millions of young Americans consciously choose not to purchase health care. At least 10 million of this 40 million are illegal aliens! Why in the hell are these people included? Why should we be responsible for paying the healthcare of someone that entered this country illegally? Barack Obama is a gifted speaker and a very intelligent man; however, his ideologies are flawed and are not consistent with mainstream America, and as of late, the adverse poll numbers are reflecting America's discontent with such a liberal and government expansive tilt. If tonight was the President's only chance for rallying Congress and America in hopes of passing this mammoth Government expansion of power and dependency known as Health Care Reform, then he failed. Finally America is demanding more from its President. I think America sees through the gifted and intoxicating rhetoric, and are beginning to expect results from his maniacal spending and increasing Government dependence. I know health care better than the average American and I have no better idea what his plans are after watching it than I did before. What's so transparent and embarrassing though, are his references to single mothers and dying children with cancer as every example of how his plan is better and will increase patient care and treatment. Really, Mr President? Are you that desperate? How will you plan work? Do you even know? How much will it cost the American taxpayer? Will we receive health care at the economy's expense? How long will we be forced to wait for that service? Will senior citizens be neglected so a younger illegal alien can get care because they're younger? Who decides that? Why won't Congress adhere to this reform and have it become their respective health care plans? Why won't you receive this health care? If you promise under your new plan to cut medical care costs, you either have to lower how much doctors get paid or decrease treatment programs and modalities. We will see a drastic decrease in the number of doctors in medical school and in practice. Why would you dedicate 12 years of post graduate work to be a government employee? They WONT. It's a fact. Canada has seen a drastic decrease in health care providers since the implementation of socialized medicine. They have seen the costs of health care soar. Cancer mortality rates are double that of the US. Canadian citizens as well as leaders from almost every nation come to America and pay our prices to get their health care. Why? Because the free market demands competition. The free market allows for the best and the brightest. The free market saves lives better than any system in the world. The free market doesn't reward bureaucratic paper shuffling and political gain. Folks, that's what this whole thing is about. It's about buying votes and getting more and more of the American people dependent on the Government teat. Lucky for me, unless a miracle is performed over the next few weeks, Obama dropped the ball tonight. Not only doctors across America, but more importantly, patients across America, can breathe a huge sigh of relief. Reform like this does two things: Lowers the average American life span for the first time in recorded history and creates a socialistic America that could never return to the free market economy that allowed this great nation to prosper for hundreds of years. I know I can't expect everyone to read this bill because hell, your Congress men and women haven't even read the thing, but I can urge you to punch yourself in the face as hard as you can while you ram a rusted pitchfork up your ass. That's about the closest feeling you'll have to being on your deathbed at the mercy of a Government Health Care system.

Like our Government, let's reward mediocrity

Unless you're a total "reTard" then you have to put your money on the Florida Gators for another national championship...as well as winning yet another "Denim Cup" on the north bank of the St John's River. The layperson wouldn't realize that UF can't lose a game if they tried; afterall, when your schedule reads like this, how could you lose?
9/5 – Charleston Southern
9/12 – Troy
9/19 – Tennessee
9/26 – @ Kentucky
10/10 – @ LSU
10/17 – Arkansas (Homecoming)
10/24 – @ Mississippi State
10/31 – Georgia (Jacksonville)
11/7 – Vanderbilt
11/14 – @ South Carolina
11/21 – FIU
11/28 – FSU

There are essentially five games that are practice walkthroughs. If UF doesn't run the table, this will be the worst performance in the history of college football. They're stacked. They have everyone back. They play Charleston Southern, Troy, FIU(seriously, I barely have a clue who that is), and FSU. Georgia Southern would beat the brakes off at least two of those teams. If Drew Weatherford could come back, they'd beat them too. I'm just so sick of Florida scheduling no out of conference challenges. I guess, in a way, I'm a little jealous because if UGA did that we'd probably have at least one national championship out of the two SEC titles we've won. If you're a Florida fan, you're only dreading one game and that's the night game in Baton Rouge that will star about 90,000 of the drunkest cajun assholes you've ever seen. If you're me, then you're going to be waiting on baited breath for the slim chance the Gators don't come prepared to play. Regardless, we've all got to look forward to yet another season of every network blowing Tim Tebow and highlighting his offseason circumcisions, his on the field accomplishments, and his God-like moral compass. Seriously, I cannot wait for next year's NFL draft. It's not that I wish ill will against Tebow because I don't. I truly think he's probably a good guy. It's the total D BAG gator fans that I can't stand. They think Tebow will be the next Favre, Starr, Brady...well he won't be. Just as David Greene, NCAA's most winning QB, talents didn't translate, neither will Tebow's parabola barbie arm. Newsflash Gators...winning NFL QB's don't run, they don't weigh 250, and they play in the pocket with rocket arms. Sorry to break the news.

Don't be a dope, brush up on economic policy.

This is one of the best articles I've seen about the fiscal irresponsibility of the United States Government. It highlights and parallels times of prior economic turmoil and strife. It reminds us how deep the water is in which our country seems to be drowning. He points out our future trade challenges as more and more nations begin to pull out of this country burdened by excessive tax programs. The financial burden placed on this country and our future generations by this President is not about generating needed dollars to allow the Government function. Despite the uninformed, it's not about reversing the damage done by prior administrations. This grotesque, superfluous economic policy is nothing more than a party flexing their respective political muscles for more power. This is a power play. This is not patriotic. This is not selfless. It's quite the contrary. The democratic party, led by the most liberal man ever in Congress and the White House is determined to make everyone dependent on a government that is failing in every capacity. Congress' approval rating is at historical lows. If the 2010 elections don't show a trend toward a more economic responsible, more fiscal conservative America, we're all going to earn what our Government tells us we can, we're all going to get the health care that our Government says we get, and we're all going to get the freedoms that our Government says we're allowed to have. I don't know much, but I know this is not what the framers of our beloved Constitution had in mind when they established the pillars for this great nation.

Patrick J Buchanan
After half a century of fighting encroachments upon freedom in America, journalist Garet Garrett published "The People's Pottage." A year later, in 1954, he died. "The People's Pottage" opens thus:

"There are those who still think they are holding the pass against a revolution that may be coming up the road. But they are gazing in the wrong direction. The revolution is behind them. It went by in the Night of Depression, singing songs to freedom."

Garrett wrote of a revolution within the form. While outwardly America appeared the same, a revolution within had taken place that was now irreversible. One need only glance at where we were before the New Deal, where we are and where we are headed to see how far we are off the course the Founding Fathers set for our republic.

Taxes drove the American Revolution, for we were a taxaphobic, liberty-loving people. That government is best that governs least is an Americanism. When "Silent Cal" Coolidge went home in 1929, the U.S. government was spending 3 percent of gross domestic product.

And today? Obama's first budget will consume 28 percent of the entire GDP; state and local governments another 15 percent. While there is some overlap, in 2009, government will consume 40 percent of GDP, approaching the peak of World War II.

Tell Congress to stop spending America into the ground! Sign the WND petition demanding lawmakers stop the bailouts, stimulus bills and march toward socialism and national destruction.

The deficit for 2009 is $1.8 trillion, 13 percent of the whole economy. Obama is pushing a cap-and-trade bill to cut carbon emissions that will impose huge costs on energy production, spike consumer prices and drive production offshore to China, which is opting out of Kyoto II. The Chinese are not fools.

Obama plans to repeal the Bush tax cuts and take the income tax rate to near 40 percent. Combined state and local income tax rates can run to 10 percent. For the self-employed, payroll taxes add up to 15.2 percent on the first $106,800 for all wages of all workers. Medicare takes 2.9 percent of all wages above that. Then there are the state sales taxes that can run to 8 percent, property taxes, gas taxes, excise taxes and "sin taxes" on booze, cigarettes and, soon, hot dogs and soft drinks.

Comes now national health insurance from Nancy Pelosi's House. A surtax that runs to 5.4 percent of all earnings of the top 1 percent of Americans, who already pay 40 percent of all federal income taxes, has been sent to the Senate. Included also is an 8 percent tax on the entire payroll of small businesses that fail to provide health insurance for employees.

Other ideas on the table include taxing the health benefits that businesses provide their employees.

The D.C.-based Tax Foundation says New Yorkers could face a combined income tax rate of near 60 percent.

In the Declaration of Independence, Thomas Jefferson called George III a tyrant for having "erected a multitude of new offices, and sent hither swarms of officers to harass our people and eat out their substance."

What did George III do with his Stamp Act, Townshend Acts or tea tax to compare with what is being done to this generation of Americans by their own government?

While the hardest-working and most productive are bled, a third of all wage-earners pay no U.S. income tax, and Obama plans to free almost half of all wage-earners of all income taxes. Yet, tens of millions get Medicaid, rent supplements, free education, food stamps, welfare and an annual check from Uncle Sam called an Earned Income Tax Credit, though they never paid a nickel in income taxes.

Oh, yes. Obama also promises everybody a college education.

Coming to America to feast on this cornucopia of freebies is the world. One million to 2 million immigrants, legal and illegal, arrive every year. They come with fewer skills and less education than Americans, and consume more tax dollars than they contribute by three to one.

Wise Latina women have more babies north of the border than they do in Mexico and twice as many here as American women.

As almost all immigrants are now Third World people of color, they qualify for ethnic preferences in hiring and promotions and admissions to college over the children of Americans.

All of this would have astounded and appalled the Founding Fathers, who after all, created America – as they declared loud and clear in the Constitution – "for ourselves and our posterity."

China saves, invests and grows at 8 percent. America, awash in debt, has a shrinking economy, a huge trade deficit, a gutted industrial base, an unemployment rate surging toward 10 percent and a money supply that's swollen to double its size in a year. The 20th century may have been the American Century. The 21st shows another pattern.

"The United States is declining as a nation and a world power with mostly sighs and shrugs to mark this seismic event," writes Les Gelb, president emeritus of the Council on Foreign Relations, in CFR's Foreign Affairs magazine. "Astonishingly, some people do not appear to realize that the situation is all that serious."

Even the establishment is starting to get the message.

One more for the still confused ladies...

Looking for meth in all the right places...looking for meth in too many places...looking for meth.

Access Hollywood reports,

"Barton has placed under an involuntary psychiatric hold by the LAPD and transferred to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center on Wednesday evening.
According to the code, authorities can hold a person involuntarily if they present a danger to themselves or others, are gravely disabled or suffer from a mental disorder. This same code was used to hold Britney Spears twice in Los Angeles in January 2008."

Once upon a time in a land far far away there was Marissa Cooper. People thought she was hot. Not me, but people. These people thought her awkward, pale, homely, sinewy body created a stork-like sex pot. They were misled into thinking her heroin chic look resembled true girls of the OC. Yeah cause teenage girls in Orange County all have A cup breasts, transluscent skin, and buttered meth pebble teeth. For God's sake people, can't you formulate one idea on your own. Do you have to accept every TV show's "HOT" girl, every production company's "IT" girl, every magazine's "MEGA BABE." Just because some photoshopping computer program airbrushes someone until they favor a cartoon character of their original self with larger boobs, no moles or sun damage, and bronze skin, doesn't mean you have to accept them as the "new" girls. Mischa Barton looks like about every small town meth head prostitute. She looks like she's jonesing for smack. Her glazed look appears as if she's looking through you. Her teeth are beginning to sharpen like she spends her night filing them down for better flesh tearing. Newsflash...Mischa, you're not starring as a vampire in twilight. You're not even famous. If someone told me I would die tomorrow unless I moved to L.A. to live with these dipshit celebrities, just go ahead and call the hearse cuz my show's over.

Is it just me or does Senator Barbara Boxer seem completely stupid.

You owe it to yourself to watch this video. The good stuff starts at about the 1:35 mark. Sen. Boxer is so out of touch with reality, she basically completely embarrasses herself as she tries to communicate with the CEO of the Black Chamber of Commerce. Her verbal exchange was basically this in a nutshell:

"Hello sir. I have here 2 quotes from random black people. One is from the guy that served me coffee at Starbucks this morning. He asked me to confirm my Venti Mochachino. The other is a quote from the homeless man outside of the Staples Center. His sign said, "please help."'

Is she serious? Is this what California elects to represent them? Wake up moderates! She happens to be talking to a gentleman that is a veteran of our armed forces, an accomplished businessman and fervid patriot. Associating race in regard to this discussion on energy is beyond awkward. It's illogical. Senator Boxer may not be racist or prejudiced, but she certainly sounded an awful lot like someone who is exactly that. Our entire Government needs to be stripped clean and rebuilt from the ground up.

5.4% surtax on the rich...why is rich always expressed as if you've done something wrong?

Surtax...hmmmm...let's see.

Tax penalty on the tax you already paid which was already more tax dollars than anyone else in America paid by a mile. Wait what? Yeah...if that's not Marx's Utopia, I don't know what is. I'm ashamed our populus is this ignorant.

If you don't laugh, you'll cry your eyes out.

Debt-Deficits Change During Presidential Terms

On the dusk of Obama pushing Congress to pass a bill that would essentially cripple health care and in turn, the entire US economy, I thought it would be best to just try and get some laughs from this debacle. For those of you that are completely uninformed and influenced by our completely biased news coverage, I'm going to fill you in on the streamlined effeciency and performance of Government based health care. If you want to know what your health care will resemble, go to your local VA hospital for a day. First of all, there's so much bureaucracy, you'll be lost in a sea of people that can't help you because, "it's not their department." Aside form that though, when you leave the VA after spending a day, my challenge for you is to go anywhere in the United States and try to find a group of people who are more apathetic about their job tasks. The people that weigh and sprinkle the salt on the fries and McDonald's care way more about their job than these people. There is no accountability, there's absolutely no rush whatsoever, and there's no recourse for poor job performance. This would be ok if you're a park ranger employed by the Government, but people, this is going to be your mother, your father, your brothers and sisters, and ultimately you lying on the table begging for quality health care. People in Canada and England come over by the droves to get MRI's, Heart stents, cancer treatments, etc, because they know that the system in their own countries would drag their feet until it doomed their fate. I wish someone would start brewing the coffee for all the idiots in this country. Government does nothing right. NOTHING. How many of you have tried to get a new driver's license lately? How many of you have tried to get a marriage license? Been to a welfare office? Been to any state or government facility? People better start taking these issues seriously because soon enough we're all gonna wake up in a hospital bed having a heart attack while all of the staff members are in the break room watching The Young and the Restless and getting fatter.

Effortless Beauty...

When you have luscious lips(injected with Juvederm), hair kissed by the sun(bleached with red/blonde #26C), and skin like a Giesha(completely frozen with Botox and absent of all melanin), you know you've arrived as a leading lady in Hollywood. I swear, the more I'm force fed unattractive, untalented people in Hollywood, the more I wanna burn down that huge white sign in the Hollywood Hills. Honestly, if you replaced the ten highest grossing male and female actresses with random attractive people off the streets, in most cases, you'd never know the difference. These narcissists show up at work and recite lines. If they screw up, they scream and blame someone else that makes much less than they do and then the director gives them countless takes to get it right while he kisses their asses for 7 months of filming. Aside from long hours comfortably waiting in a pimped out tour bus between call times, reciting unmemorized lines someone else with talent wrote, and making millions upon millions to do it while you bitch about it like a child, acting is super hard work. In fact, it's as hard as being a roughneck oil field driller, a coalminer, and a crabber in the Bering Sea. I hate people. Especially these people. The point of this whole tirade was to point out the utter perfection and beauty that is Nicole Kidman. When you're this beautiful, you obviously made some deal with the devil. Kidman is like the modern day Dorian Gray. If you held a mirror in front of her face, you'd see the skeletal remains of what used to be a real red headed, pale skinned human being. If Rosie "Sea Donkey" O'Donell and this monster were lying naked in my bed and I were forced to sleep with one of them, I would strip naked without hesitation and dive head first into Rosie's jugs with my mouth wide open.

For all the girls at home scratching their heads...this Bud's for you.

I could make this more simple, but it would require a breastfeeding photo of a person that looks like a breast taken by the new areola camera. Now that may seem difficult to picture if you don't have a penis, but if you do, well, enough said.

I told you to lose that weight...

In news that didn't even surprise Jennifer Aniston or her own father, Chestica Simpson got dumped by Tony Romo over the weekend. If you had red hot iron pokers stuck through your eye balls and scorching your retinas, you could've still seen this coming from 3.6 miles away. For those of you that are dumber than bricks, Tony Romo is the quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys. When you QB in the NFL, much less the Cowboys, getting laid becomes a burden...girls waiting for you at your hotel, girls waiting for you at the practice facility, girls waiting on you at your car, girls waiting for you outside your house, girls, girls, girls. I can relate and trust me...it sucks. Following that same parallel, I understand why Romo chose Chestica. Settling down with Jessica Simpson is actually a great move. She's so shockingly insecure that you can almost get away with anything. Couple that with one of the best bodies in the history of the human race, a pretty face, business acumen, a great rack (worth mentioning again), and one of the most endearing "airhead acts" ever played and you've got almost the perfect girl. A guy like Romo doesn't want to be controlled...she won't. He's wants a sex machine...HELLOOO? He wants a celebrity...she's one. He wants his girl to be envied...she is. It's really pretty simple. The sad part of this whole story though is Simpson. When you have the genetic gifts and marketability that she does, it's nearly impossible to eff it up, yet she succeeds over and over again. She's basically the saboteur of her own success. She's like the least talented, most successful, least qualified, most famous, celebrity ever. She's like a walking juxtaposition. It's quite an enigma. Verbally pinpointing the demise of the relationship would be as pointless as printing headlines that read, "Insiders say Michael Jackson was gay." It's obviously her creepy and medling father. No person on Earth can ruin your career or life faster than Joe Simpson. If you have an arch nemesis and you want his/her life destroyed, call Joe. Joe Simpson is like the youth baseball dad or the pageant mom that relives their dreams through their children. Except for the fact that Jessica is nearly 30. The sun is going down on her days of landing high profile athletes and celebrities based on her good looks and firm breasts. 30 years of hard wear and tear on those fun bags and soon the warranty's expired and the best she'll land is Larry, the night manager at Sears Home and Garden Center.

Barack Obama = Karl Marx

I know that the media sensationalizes politics to appeal to their respective audiences, but I don't. On super Tuesday I was among the first to congratulate Obama on his victory. I thought that unlike our prior President, it was time for America to come together as a unit, seek a common goal, and ameliorate our polarizing and fervid shibboleths related to party politics. This blind faith and hope I had in Barack Obama disappeared quickly. I don't care that he went to Columbia or Harvard. I don't care that he's African American. I don't care that he has a Muslim name. I don't care that he's a gifted politician. None of that matters. I believe in free trade. I believe in the prinicples of capitalism and think it's responsible for this nation being envied by others across the globe. I believe that Government's role should be absent in the private sector and in your private life. I believe in social equality. I believe in Thomas Jefferson's belief that ALL men are created equal in the eyes of God. That said though, all men are not created equal in our world. Capitalism will, more than anything else, separate the achievers from the leeches, the despots from the proletariat, the hustlers from the sloths. What Barack Obama and his Congress have done will take years, if ever, to recover from. His administration has been dedicated to expanding Government faster and larger than any point in history. It's a Presidency that inherited a weakening economy, but used that to parlay their socialistic government expansion program that has devastated the economy and crippled the American taxpayer. Obama's expanding tax burden has taken several forms: Cap and Trade (completely gratuitous poorly camouflaged tax), Automotive Bailouts while creating government dependence and ignoring bond holders, Financial Bailouts, and last but certainly not least, the wolf in sheep's clothing, the Stimulus Package. As Obama's Economic Recovery Advisory Board uses their collective Ivy league rhetorics to prepare the American people for another trillion dollar stimulus, we're treading water with 1000lbs weights strapped to our back. America cannot withstand another financial bailout without being suffocated to the point where recovery is a five generation burden in a best case scenario. Couple that with the possibility of a filibuster proof Congress dedicated to furthering the dependency on Government by passing a Health Care Reform bill and the country as we know it has succomb completely to big government. 18-30 year olds of all races and economic backgrounds elected President Obama. Unfortunately, it's that demographic that hasn't taken the time to understand fiscal policy and take a stand on anything other than what the media says should matter but doesn't i.e. environment, anything except for G. W. Bush. The facts are simple, President Obama is gifted, but not experienced. He's charismatic, but wildly liberal, polarizing, and socialistic. If you believe that you earn what you make, Obama is not an ideology that resembles you. If you want Government to play Robin Hood as they rob money from people that work hard and make something of themselves by sacrificing family time, vacation, money for college and post graduate work, and give it to people uninterested in working, paying taxes, and achieving, then this is your guy. Until young Americans learn to formulate their own opinions and stop relying on biased media outlets from both side to choose for them, we're going to be stuck with leaders that don't represent anything we thought we were voting for.

All for the children...

In a campaign based on complete and utter subtlety, Burger King decides to really throw down the gloves in a final battle to attempt to steal the 0-6 year demographic from their arch rival McDonalds(pardon the pun). I'm not sure if it's the right approach, but nonetheless, I'm lovin' it (I couldn't help myself).

OMG...please stop with your nonsense

Megan, despite your best efforts to be sexy, bisexual, and Angelina Jolie, you really have fooled Hollywood enough by now so that you don't have to act so effing stupid by trying to be the center of attention everywhere you go. First of all, the chick to your left, that's Cate Blanchett. While you spend your time collecting tattoos and trying to be mysterious like Angelina Jolie circa 1998, she spends her time collecting Oscars, class, spokesmodel contracts and faces of Chanel, Gucci, and Givenchy contracts. What I'm trying to say without being rude or insensitive is you're stupid. When you do things like this it makes me want to punch your dumb ass. Please stop. You're like nails on a chalk board. You're famous because some plastic surgeon sliced and diced your imperfections and then you fell on Michael Bay's grenade (literally and figuratively) for a role in Bad Boys 2 and then Transformers. There are literally 20 girls in Hollywood right now hotter and more talented than you...including this girl.

I must be dreaming

Today, I awoke for the first time in 309 days without being subjected to every television station including Telemundo covering the untimely death of Michael Jackson. In honor of the great entertainer, I did only wear one latex glove in the operating room today. I also grabbed my package and spun around three times with my finger pointed in the air. Aside from that though, despite a month long run of famous people dying, there's hardly no news I can write about...except for this gem.

A friend of Lorenzo Llamas, the former star of Renegade and once husband to former playmate, Shauna Sands, revealed to Star magazine that the demise of their marriage is attibuted to her getting close to Lorenzo's son...and by close, I mean playing hide the sausage.

One of Lorenzo's friends tells Star that Shauna's scandalous affair with his son is the reason why their marriage ended in 2002. The friend added, "Shauna came on to A.J. It was the ultimate betrayal. Lorenzo had no idea; he was in the dark about the whole thing. He thought Shauna was acting like a mom to A.J. He had no clue that she was his son's lover!"

When you take one look at this chick, you'd have to be brain dead to not see this coming. In fact, if a barrel full of flaming monkeys raped me tonight in my sleep, I would be less surprised than Shauna Sands banging her stepson.

When life hands you lemons...

Tattoos in general are suspect in my opinion. To me it just seems it's inevitable that you'll regret the decision at some point throughout your life. Whether its explaining to your future wife how "Thug Life" ended up across your stomach, or maybe how A John Deere tractor ended up above your fraternity letters on your ankle, or maybe it's when your daughter asks you why you have a tramp stamp written in calligraphy on your lower back. Regardless, when you've been deformed and attention is drawn to a certain area, there is no greater use of body art than to bring a little comic relief to an already afflicted and embarrassing area. To this dude, Kudos. You're a funny mofo.

22" Stilettos = Miss America

A strip club that hired a 14-year-old as an exotic dancer is now suing the girl, saying the seventh-grader swindled them into breaking state law.

The San Antonio teen allegedly exposed her breasts while working at Cheetah Club in Corpus Christi, a violation of state law.

Alan Yaffe, the club’s attorney, said the club didn’t know the girl was a minor.

“She came (into the club) with 6-inch stiletto heels and a miniskirt and looked just like a model from a Miss America’s contest,” Yaffe said.

Police say Leslie Campbell, 48, kidnapped the teenager in San Antonio in March, took her to Corpus Christi, sexually assaulted her over the course of a week, gave her a false identification card and forced her to strip at the club.

The suit seeks unspecified damages from Campbell, the girl and her parents, as well as a declaration from a judge that it did not intend to hire a minor.

“We’re the victims here,” Yaffe said.

I know what kind of people we're dealing with here. I know club owners, DJ's, Strip Club employees/owners, and bartenders and we're not talking about the upper echelon of moral America. That being said, there are two huge problems with the statements issued by the strip club.

1). “She came (into the club) with 6-inch stiletto heels and a miniskirt and looked just like a model from a Miss America’s contest,” Yaffe said.

People that own strip clubs are so removed from normal society that apparently they think that Miss America wear six inch stilletos. Stilettos don't even come in the six inch variety unless you work in a strip club and they certainly aren't found on Miss America. That is ridiculous.

2). “We’re the victims here,” Yaffe said.

Dude, I understand you might have been duped by this chick showing you a fake ID or whatever, but it's blatantly obvious you didn't go to painstaking efforts to ensure she was within the legal limits of age. Sure, girls every generation mature younger and younger, and no it's not the hormones in the chicken or the milk, but to say you didn't know this girl's age was questionable, is a bald faced lie (bald faced lie referring to 18th century men who grew beards to hide their expressions). I'm not trying to be insensitive, but to say that this girl's future is bright would be the biggest hyperbole ever spoken. When you're a stripper at 14, where can you go next? Porn at 15? It's not like you'll get off from your shift at 7:00am and head to high school. Besides aging in dog years, the only thing this chick can accomplish is the youngest person to ever place in the stripper world championships.

Alan Jackson is indigent...but not really.

It's really a shame that talented people who dedicate their lives to entertaining others through creative outlets like music have to live such lives of poverty and strife. I really don't know how this guy gets through the days struggling like this.

Seriously?

This is either the biggest asshole move ever, or a psychotic obession with the late King of pop. Personally, I think it's so ridiculously over-the-top, that it's funny.

Everyone rest easy...

After hours of deliberation and discussion regarding our future, you'll be happy to know, Cheryl and I have decided to see this through. She and I have worked it out and she totally forgives me for being "insensitive about her feelings." I know now that birthdays are "special" and that I should be more "attentive" to her "needs." I know all these words about feelings and caring and understanding make me sound a little soft and effeminate, but it really wouldn't matter what she asked me to do, I'd be game. If Cheryl Cole suggested I run naked through troughs of fat tailed scorpions while Austrailian Aborigines threw razor blade boomerangs at my genitals, I'd think, "How did I get so lucky to have such an understanding and reasonable girl?" I would answer back to myself in a low confident voice, God only knows, Trey. God only knows."

I feel like such an imbicile...how could i forget?

I must take this opportunity to apologize openly to everyone and especially my lil Brit girlfriend for forgetting; otherise, I'm in chateau bow-wow for weeks. You see, my girl turned 26 today and not only did I not post about her, I didn't even have the decency to call her. So, in essence cherry muffin, I'm sorry. Truly sorry.

In a related story, The American Idol, and I mean idol, Fantasia, turned 25 today. She still can't read or write, her house was foreclosed on, and to this day, not one person in the Milky Way galaxy can recite a title to one of her songs without consulting wikipedia or Nostradamus.