Diora Baird is .0002% from Perfect

When I look at Diora Baird, first of all, I can't look away. She's so hot it gives me chest pains. Hotness like this in Hollywood confuses the hell out of me. There's absolutely no reason she's not every movie made with hot chicks. Can you imagine how bad of an actor you must be to be this hot, yet you're only known as the GUESS GIRL, or the girl that falls naked on the bed in Wedding Crashers with 2 seconds of screen time? In Hollywood, where beautiful bad actors are as plentiful as adopted African children and speed balls, it must be hard to make yourself unfamous when you look this good. Take Megan Fox for instance. She makes me embarrassed for her every time she opens her mouth, yet she headlines major blockbuster films, so where does that leave Diora? Diora's in a tough spot. It must be an incredible burden to bear. She should call me tonight. After I take off all this make up and fish net stockings, I could really show her a good time.

Olivia Wilde puts on a model clinic...

If you're a guy and you're chasing a girl with facial features this perfect, your bank account better be very very large with a helluva lot if 0's; otherwise, like Jackson Browne's "Rosie", you're gonna be going home with someone very familiar tonight. You see, Olivia Wilde is married to some Italian prince. So unless you have a crown in your family line, you lose. It's kind of obvious though. Look at this chick. If I had a one night stand with this girl, I'd bronze my penis like baby shoes.

Thank you Kiev, Ukraine

Forgetting Sarah Marshall is proving to be impossible when Mila Kunis keeps doing photo shoots like this. Honest to God, I can't say enough about how happy I am that the communism collapse caused an exodus of smoking hot Eastern Europeans to the United States in search of fame and fortune; although sadly, or not, most of them end up in Van Nuys starring in films like Chitty Chitty Gang Bang. Regardless, we have to thank Reagan for girls like Mila Kunis. Without him outspending the USSR in the Cold War, we'd be left with boring run-of-the-mill American girls that do nothing to pique my interest. If you're more than 2nd generation American, you're invisible to me.

This sux

A city hospital nearly destroyed a New Jersey woman's life and wrecked her marriage after misdiagnosing her with terminal HIV, hepatitis and herpes, according to a bombshell lawsuit.

Maria Osorio, 54, of Passaic, said she saw an ad on TV offering a $15 mammogram at Harlem Hospital over Valentine's Day last February and decided to take advantage of the screening.

When a nurse offered her a free instant cheek swab and blood test, too, she accepted. That's when she was told she had HIV.

"It was horrible. I wanted to throw myself on the subway tracks," she said.

Subway tracks? If I get news that I have hepatitis, late stage AIDS, and Herpes and I don't know how I got it, I'm gonna be pissed off. That had to be one hell of a party. I wouldn't even know where to go to get all those afflictions in one stop. Lohan maybe? Pam Anderson? Liberace? This woman should get like 10 centillion dollars for this torture. She spent six weeks thinking she had a death sentence. Her marriage was ruined as she logically thought her husband had bed every prostitute in Atlantic City without a condom. In a related story, I remember once as a kid my Nintendo was taken away for six weeks. That was hell.

If you're having girl problems I feel bad for you son...

Amidst all of the adversity Tiger Woods has faced over the past several weeks, some clever computer dork encapsulated all of his problems in one simple JPEG and then cleverly compared them to Jay-Z. As you can see, his problems are quite different.


*If you don't understand this, I don't have the time to explain it to your white ass.

Just one night 6 seconds is all i ask...

It's been a while since I've written about all of the midevil torturing devices I would subject my penis to in order to spend one night with some random hot model, but here goes. Alassandra Ambrosio is so perfect I can't look directly at her in pictures. In fact, I had to hold the computer up to the mirror and look at her through a reflection because I kept having seizures and soiling myself. It's with almost certainty I say, she's Aphrodite. These pictures were taken on her recent trip to Miami and after staring intently at them for 3.25 hours without blinking, I seriously can't pick out one flaw. She's like a hypnotist. You see, I've been riding the German rocket-train called Heidi for over a decade, but I gotta tell you, if Ally (that's what I call her)keeps sending me these coy cues of flirtatious prurience, I'm on the fast track to switching teams. I'm fighting this urge from deep down. I don't want to give up on Heidi, but I think it's some sexual evolutionary thing I can't explain. Subconsciously, I view her womb as compromised. How could my reproductive fitness ameliorate? She's become damaged goods. Despite my furious loyalty to German supermodels named Heidi, I can't help but feel as if I'm caught in Alassandra's Brazilian Tractor Beam of seduction and desire. The guy that awakens and rolls over to realize he's lying next to this naked mocha skinned Goddess in South Beach of all places needs to tell me where he met Lucipher and the address where I can find the soul he sold...that son-of-a-bitch.

If you've ever wondered why you like blondes with big breasts...look no further

In a book I read recently, Why Beautiful People Have More Daughters, I've come to understand more about being a human man than ever before. Several of the chapters are mind blowing, but one in particular reached out to me.

Women's Attractiveness and Why Men Prefer Barbies (Long Blonde Hair, Big Breasts)

One accurate indicator of health is physical attractiveness, and this is the reason why men like beautiful women. Another good indicator of health is hair. Healthy people (men and women) have lustrous, shiny hair, whereas the hair of sickly people loses its luster. During illness, a body needs to sequester all available nutrients (like iron and protein) to fight the illness. Since hair is not essential to survival (compared to, say, bone marrow), hair is the first place to which a body turns to collect the necessary nutrients. Thus, a person’s poor health first shows up in the condition of the hair.

The author also makes the simple observation that larger, and hence heavier, breasts sag more conspicuously with age than do smaller breasts. Thus, it is much easier for men to judge a woman’s age (and her reproductive value) by sight if she has larger breasts than if she has smaller breasts, which do not change as much with age.

It turns out that men prefer blonde hair for exactly the same reason that they prefer large breasts: both are accurate indicators of a woman’s age and thus reproductive value.

Men in cold climates did not have this option, because women (and men) bundled up in such environments. This is probably why blonde hair evolved in cold climates as an alternative means for women to advertise their youth.

To claim that girls and women want to look like blonde bombshells because of the billboards, movies, TV shows, music videos, and magazine advertisements makes as little sense as to claim that people become hungry because they are bombarded with images of food in the media. If only the media would stop inundating people with images of food, they would never be hungry! Women’s desire to be blonde preceded the media by centuries, if not millennia.

I always knew blondes with big breasts made sense to me. I just didn't know it was scientific. I love books like this, primarily because it makes me feel like my attraction to German girls is more due to how I was made, as opposed to labeling me as a supermodel stalker.

Oh! Snatched Away In Beauty's Bloom

Last week, Sherlock Holmes premiered and Blake Lively owned the red carpet. It's so smart to show up at movies you're not in and look better than everyone. You might be tired of these posts, but trust me on this one, I'm not. I could write for days on this chick. If Lord Byron didn't love touching dudes, I bet he would've written She Walks in Beauty about Blake.

She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellowed to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impaired the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o'er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling place.

And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!

James Cameron metaphorically hates America

Today, while wearing dorky 3-D glasses, I watched three hours of the best CGI animation ever created. Aside from that though, there's not too much to report about Avatar. The plot essentially parallels James Cameron's contempt for America's foreign policy. The audience is coerced into cheering for the demise and destruction of US troops as they're portrayed as attacking innocent indigenous people. This movie will set records, but only because it's uniquely delivered. The screenplay is anything but, while character development is weak. If you like movies that send political messages, this is your film. If you're too stupid to know when movies send political messages, this is also your film. Because Hollywood idolizes liberalism and anti-American messages, you're gonna see rave reviews of this movie, but trust me, you're not missing much.

Brittany Murphy is Dead

The New York Daily News reports,

She went into full cardiac arrest early Sunday and could not be revived.
The Los Angeles City Fire Department got a call from the home of Murphy’s husband Simon Monjack about 8 a.m.
She was taken to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, where she was pronounced dead on arrival.

If anyone has seen this chicks erratic behavior, you understand how something like this could happen. I know that I'll be 32 in 10 days and I don't see a heart attack in my near future. When you make movies like Spun, get interviewed with make believe accents when you're under the obvious influence of something, this shouldn't surprise you. She was a sexy talented actress and an obvious sad, lost soul. RIP.


Fast Forward to the 4:00 mark

At 41 Years, HGH and Juice does this, not swimming laps.

Yesterday, just when you thought Tiger's seemingly horrific last few weeks couldn't get any worse, the New York Times reported that a sports medicine doctor linked to Tiger Woods, Olympic freak Dana Torres, and Anthony Galea, is under investigation by the Federal Bureau of Investigation for allegedly distributing human growth hormone and the drug Actovegin to professional athletes. Torres said that Dr. Galea's work was limited to draining fluid from her knee and diagnosing a muscle tear. I'm no doctor, but I'm also not stupid. Has anyone seen a woman look like this without performance enhancing drugs? Has anyone seen a woman not only look this good with a child that young, but win the Nationals 15 months after giving birth. It's not possible. I would believe Barry Bonds is clean before I could believe this female body at 41 years old is clean. In fact, I work out every day at 32 and I know how hard it is to build muscle and I'm a man. This chick has more testosterone than Lyle Alzado. I bet she's grown a penis she's had so much human growth hormone. Athletes like this just piss me off because unless you played 3rd chair woodwind, you know the human body just can't stay at this level of athletic competition without assistance; however, during the last Olympics, Dana "The Hulk" Torres was furious over suspicion that she was doping. Take a peak at these pics and you'll know she's a cheater, but in case you don't, the NYT finally does something right and lets the cat outta the bag.

Jason Mraz is awesome.

If you were like me as a child, you often imitated other languages, albeit most of the time offensively and involving pots and pans being thrown down the stairs jokes. Conversely though, I always wondered how little kids from Asia would imitate and joke about English...well now I know.

Sticks like this should be ticketed

As I said last week, Blake Lively hosted SNL Saturday night, and just as I suspected, she blew my socks off. This chick is the most naturally beautiful girl in Hollywood. I bet when she wakes up, she looks even better. Her legs alone are enough to make me ignore my restraining order. I can't help but get a closer smell look because I can't see anything from 200 yards. I guess the judge didn't find me dressed as a topiary on her front porch as "funny" as I did. People of power can never take a joke. Anyway...Blake Lively, like me, makes being sexy seem effortless. I hope, for her sake, she can manage the arduous tasks and burdening responsibilities. It's a bear, trust me.

Melanie Nunes Bostain

December 3, 2009, to borrow FDR's words minus a few days, a day that will live in emphamy. I get this text yesterday from my dear friend unsuspecting 23-26 year old single girl assassin, one Christopher Bostain:

Please Google. I would cash it all in immediately im not kidding

Melanie Nunes Fronckowiak


So, of course, I google her. She's the recent winner of the World's Best Bottom contest. She's a 20 year old Brazilian model. This chick was indeed perfect for my friend Chris: Naive to the ways of the world, Impressionable, Smoking body, and the ever-convenient Language barrier. JACKPOT! I immediately told him that I saw a blog post about them in my near future. So, while searching the entire web for 30 minutes for just one picture of her facing forward, I get another text. It reads:

Pls post that i hv claimed her barring some catastrophe our wedding will move forward as planned in 2010

So, to quote Meg Ryan from Top Gun, "There are hearts breaking wide open all over this world tonight...because unless you are a fool, this boy is off the market." Our relationshipaphobic boy, Christopher Bostain, has turned in his card. Young, single, good looking girls in good shape can breathe a confident sigh of relief. The predatory lion of ladies will never again be hiding in the bush, waiting for the perfect opportunity to pounce.

Screw you Chris Matthews

Did I really just hear Chris Matthews call West Point the Enemy Camp? Holy smokes, I knew MSNBC was wildly liberal, but I didn't know they were radical and anti-American. To call one of our nation's most prestigious and revered Service academies the "enemy camp" is not only reprehensible, but idotic. Since Matthews' coddled, insignicant existence began, West Point has turned out:

3 Medal of Honor Winners
13 Astronauts
5 Men of served as Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff
not to mention a few other well known names throughout history...

Lee, Grant, MacArthur, Eisenhower, Patton, and Schwarzkopf.

While West Point was preparing brave and talented soldiers for the battlefield of Vietnam, Matthews was joining the Peace Corps and going to Swaziland (South Africa). Come on, you dick. Insulting the brave and heroic men and women of our Armed Forces and Service academies is exactly why the liberal media outlets are failing. This is the kind of rhetoric that makes me scratch my head in disbelief. Can you honestly be a patroitc American and believe that West Point is the enemy camp? This guy isn't stupid, so he must hate America. Is there another explanation?

My computer just caught fire.

I know eastern Europe is perhaps the Mecca of the sex slave trade. I don't know much else about eastern Europe, but I watch a lot of movies and if every girl looks like this, I'm moving to Kiev, Ukraine. Honestly, I would milk a goat every morning before I walked in a blizzard to the factory where I worked my 18 hour shift under horrible conditions, walk home in the dark and freezing cold to open up the door to my one room shack with rats just to see Mila Kunis stirring a pot chicken broth soup. This girl is so hot it's unfair to the world. There are exceptions, but you just don't see American women this hot. The fact that she dates the annoying kid from Home Alone makes me want to self mutalate.

1 smoothie/day without burning it off will net your ass 13 lbs of fat for the year

I recorded Vicky's Secretive Fashion Show last night. I just didn't have the energy to focus on women that insanely hot. I thought it might induce a seizure so I went to bed. It reminded me of something though. Yesterday, I heard a woman call in on the radio and say that her husband would not be watching the fashion show because it was wrong. I'm gonna tell you why it's wrong to her. She's fat. She's insecure. She needs to excercise to feel better about being her. Complacency and apathy have gotten out of hand. America's self image is at an all time low. Your body won't take care of itself. You owe it to you and your spouse to look your best, to take pride in your appearance. American people, with a few exceptions, have lost sight of this desire. It's hard to pinpoint just what's happening, but I'm pretty sure it's called Burger King and laziness. Instead of wearing brazilian cut bikinis and proudly walking the beaches of Rio de Janeiro, American women, and men for that matter, are pounding 4000 calorie smoothies and 2000 calorie granola bars, not exercising, and thinking that's healthy and will help them lose weight. Let me guess, "It's the good fat in guacamole and cheese dip?" It's not. It's bad fat. Your face tells me that. You're simply perpetuating your self loathing and your arteriosclerosis. It's just so annoying when I hear about people's genetic predisposition for obesity. You don't see morbid obesity running rampant in Somalia...Sudan...Ethiopia. That's a morbid and insensitive example, but it's not intended that way. I'm simply making a point that you don't have a death sentence for obesity. Learn your body. Learn that smoothies make you fat. Learn that seven name Starbucks drinks not only make you look like a pretentious asshole, but also are loaded with sugar and fat and make your ass barely fit through the door. Learn that beer is loaded with calories and makes your penis disappear beaneath the shadow of your fat stomach. Learn that serotonin can be significantly increased through exercise. Learn that almost every gym in America now has child care that is free while you exercise. Your kids and your job aren't excuses. You owe it to your family most of all. No one wants a fat spouse. If you're a fat parent, you're teaching your child how to kill themselves. If you're reading this and you're pissed, the only person you should be pissed at is yourself. You let it happen.

If you're trying to win me back, it's not gonna work.

Many of you don't know this girl. I do because she's British, and I have this soft place in my heart loins for british women. Other than one of the hottest bodies you will ever see...ever...there's nothing she has to offer. So little in fact, she was engaged to marry Billy Zane. Billy Zane, really? Billy Zane may have survived the Titanic sinking, but his career surely didn't. How he scored this chick is more confusing than Stephen Hawkins' A Brief History of Time. I could explain quantum gravity and parallel universes easier than Kelly Brook playing hide the sausage with this clown. Sometimes inexplicable things in life just piss me off. Smoking hot girls with amazing natural breasts, British accents and low self esteems with Bill Zane is one of those times.

Most romantic man ever...

(Reuters) - A Vietnamese man dug up his wife's corpse and slept beside it for five years because he wanted to hug her in bed, an online newspaper reported on Thursday.
The 55-year-old man from a small town in the central province of Quang Nam opened up his wife's grave in 2004, molded clay around the remains to give the figure of a woman, put clothes on her and then placed her in his bed, Vietnamnet.vn said.

The man, Le Van, told the website that after his wife died in 2003 he slept on top of her grave, but about 20 months later he worried about rain, wind and cold, so he decided to dig a tunnel into the grave "to sleep with her."

His children found out, though, and prevented him from going to the grave. So one night in November 2004 he dug up his wife's remains and took them home, Vietnamnet reported.

"I'm a person that does things differently. I'm not like normal people," he was quoted as saying.

Don't be so presumptuous, Le Van. You're not that different. Don't let people tell you that digging tunnels to your dead wife's coffin and sleeping there isn't normal. People just don't know true love anymore, do they Le Van? It's kind of like people misunderstanding me when I dress up like Heidi Klum and marry, kiss and make love to my blown up, life size picture. What? Screw you. Heidi sent me hidden messages through the microwave that she wanted to marry me. Think I'm gonna say no? What...You gonna doubt me now?