Friday, October 9, 2009

Give me a freakin break...



Today it is announced that Barack Obama will win the Nobel Peace Prize. I don't know what that means since Al Gore won this thing too, for educating people on Global Warming(which doesn't exist). Obviously, this committee is wildly liberal and if they could, would probably fellate the President of the United States. I say that because he's done absolutely nothing worthy of the prize. In fact, the nuclear arms race in the Middle East is more precarious than ever. I guess sitting down with Iran is the right thing to do. The explaination of why he won is mind boggling. Reaching out to befriend the Muslim community? Creating a New International Climate? Turning water into wine? Teaching them to fish for a lifetime?...oh wait...that was another guy. The media has me so confused.



This is a few excerpts from Jonathan Kay, NationalPost.com:

I am still trying to figure out why the Nobel Committee gave Barack Obama its annual peace prize “for his extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples.” As far as it appears, the award was based on the fact that Obama is a good-natured fellow who people seem to like, and who isn't George W. Bush.

In fact, committee chairman Thorbjoen Jagland didn't really try to pretend otherwise. Consider the committee's stated reasons, and Jagland's comments this morning when reporters pressed him to justify Obama's selection:


“He has created a new international climate.”

“We are not awarding the prize for what may happen in the future but for what he has done in the previous year. We would hope this will enhance what he is trying to do.”

“One of the first things he did was to go to Cairo to try to reach out to the Muslim world, then to restart the Mideast negotiations and then he reached out to the rest of the world through international institutions.“

“Obama has as president created a new climate in international politics. Multilateral diplomacy has regained a central position, with emphasis on the role that the United Nations and other international institutions can play."

"Dialogue and negotiations are preferred as instruments for resolving even the most difficult international conflicts. The vision of a world free from nuclear arms has powerfully stimulated disarmament and arms control negotiations."

“Only very rarely has a person to the same extent as Obama captured the world’s attention and given its people hope for a better future."

Translation: Obama is being given his award for mere words — for striking fashionable poses in favour of multilateralism, for making a nice speech in Cairo, for offering "hope." Months after Americans learned to dismiss Obama's 2008 presidential campaign slogans as the meaningless bromides they were, Scandinavians are still drinking his Kool-aid.

So who should have gotten the Nobel peace prize? A much more obscure and unfashionable world leader.

If you're looking to award an annual "peace" prize, it's useful to look around the world and ask yourself this: What country was beset by bloody war at this time in 2008 — but is now totally at peace?

Sri Lanka.

And the reason for that is a ruthless campaign waged by President Mahinda Rajapaksa against a militarized Tamil death cult known as the Tamil Tigers. This conflict has taken nearly 100,000 lives since it began three decades ago. But Rajapaksa ended it definitively at one stroke, killing or capturing the entire Tiger leadership. It is one of the only times in the history of modern warfare that a guerrilla/terrorist movement has been utterly destroyed in such a fashion. Overnight, Sri Lanka went from being war-torn to being at peace.

Sounds like a pretty good candidate for a "peace" prize, don't you think?

But of course, actually making peace is not what this prize is about. It's about pursuing peace in a UN-approved way. Rajapaksa has done some pretty nasty things en route to destroying the Tigers — including imprisoning and perhaps even killing pesky journalists and human-rights activists. His army, like all armies fighting guerrillas, has been accused of all sorts of abuses. And to this day, many displaced Tamils are still in camps.

And of course, Rajapaksa committed that unpardonable sin en route to victory — flouting "multilateralism," which in his case meant ignoring the Jaglandesque voices from abroad urging him to hold his fire and let the Tigers go just as he was about to administer the coup de grace.

It's so much more fashionable to honour a man like Obama, whose foreign-policy record hasn't been sullied by the moral tradeoffs that inevitably accompany doing something to create peace on the battlefield. Since the entire body of work for which Obama is being honoured consists of idealistic pronouncements, the Nobel prize committee were able to pick him without worrying that the choice may stir up controversy among umbraged minority groups, Amnesty International, Human Rights Watch, or the UN's various institutional cheerleaders.

Today, the Nobel committee has declared itself to be a debating society — and it has given its shiny prize to the nice man who gave the best speech. It's like those beauty pageants where the MC asks contestants what they would do to promote world peace. The best answer earns applause, flowers and a trophy. But no one expects the winner to actually go out and stop people from fighting.

That job is left to head-knockers such as Mahinda Rajapaksa, Colombian President Alvaro Uribe, Ariel Sharon and Gen. Stanley McChrystal in Afghanistan. Their job is hard and bloody. But every once in a while, like in Sri Lanka this year, they actually defeat the bad guys.

Then they go home, and turn on their televisions, and watch men like Obama get showered with praise for their pretty words.

Hormones are such a buzzkill...




After an afternoon of shopping with the kids, a few "failed" wardrobe attempts, or as I called them "malfunctions," Sugar Bear, as I call her, was photographed storming off with the kids. I can't be more supportive than I've been. It just seems that everytime I try to compliment her these days, it always backfires. I'll tell you this, a powerhouse of muscle and fitness like this can find love by accident at a funeral. Who supported her when she stood in front of the mirror pinching her baby weight for hours before the last Victoria's Secret Fashion Show? Who told her to own the catwalk? Who lied through his pearly white teeth when he told her that the German language was the most romantic of them all? Well Heidi, when this ship, this steel ship sails, it's over baby. Chew on this fraulein, "If only...those must be the two saddest words in the world.”

My retinas just waved the white flag



I'm not exactly sure how cameras actually managed to capture this still. The fact that this image didn't cause a spontaneous combustion of the camera and/or the photographer must be an unsolved mystery. When I picture the male version of the movie Taken, you know, the adult sex slave trade, I picture these two chicks buying me while I'm geeked up on heroin and forcing me to make sweet love to them everyday in weird andd compromising positions while I feed them strawberries and cruise around the world on their private yacht. The truth is, I would trade having my junk injected by a 7 gauge needle infected with impetigo and smallpox for one night stuck between these two chicks. These girls are so pretty that they look like amess and yet still, this seriously could be the most beautiful picture ever taken...At least since my Glamour Shot last week.

Thursday, October 8, 2009



Boasting its earliest opening day in 40 years, Loveland, CO is the first ski area in North America to open its season, with $44 lift tickets.


Hey Al...Global warming sux.

Kate infinitely lowers my inhibitions...






Although I despise Cameron Crowe worse than cancer and hockey, I can say that nearly everything he did in regard to Almost Famous was complete and total genius. The soundtrack alone was one of the most defining moments in film making history. Better than that though, was Crowe taking a chance on a young Kate Hudson to play one of the supporting leads as "Band Aid," Penny Lane. That casting decision in itself took this film to cult superstardom and earned Crowe an Oscar for screenwriting and her a nomination for Best Supporting Actress. She was a young new face, charasmatic, refreshing, innocently sexy, bubbly yet withdrawn and disgustingly and effortlessly talented. An Oscar nomination later and Kate Hudson is a household name and an American heartwarmer. She even morphed into a gorgeous woman as the apple didn't fall far from the tree...that is if your assessment of Goldie Hawn was taken 23 surgeries ago. As you can see by these pics, Kate Hudson is going to torment her young son. His friends are going to be begging to come over for a sleepover and Kate's gonna always wonder why her son refuses to allow them. I'll tell you why. It's because every man on earth would want a piece off this chick. She's so sexy it makes my gonads hurt. If there is any criticism of Kate, one could argue it makes her even cooler and sexier, and that's her bird cage chest. No kidding, my breasts are three cup sizes larger than hers. What makes me pissed is that I dig it. I guess it reminds me of me. It reminds me of all those late nights I spend sitting in the bed crying after yet another failed attempt at losing my virginity. If only it were smaller. If only I weren't known around Hedonism I, II, and III as Girth Brooks.

Jabba the Hut will eat holes in your rental house...



Kevin Federline is accused of trashing a rental house in Tarzana, California. This is the home where K-Fat lived until this past May. The owners of the house claim Federline skipped out without paying his last 6 months in rent. Even worse though, the owners claim Federline turned their home into a cigarette, spit-stained dump.

Now, the owners have fired off a nasty letter to the wannabe rapper, demanding $110,661 in unpaid rent and damages which include:

- Gutters full of cigarette butts and empty beer bottles
- A broken beer dispenser on the barbecue island
- Permanent spit marks on exterior paint
- Broken light covers
- Bent light posts
- Broken tiles
- Dead trees and plants due to failure to water
- Drawings all over the walls
- A room that was turned into a studio (without the owners' permission)
- Broken dishwasher ... with broken baskets
- Dismantled smoke detectors
- Front driveway oil-leak damage
- Master bathroom windows tinted (without owners' permission)

These people should have their reproductive license revoked just for allowing K-Fat to rent their home. I would rather let a tertiary syphilis husband and an ebola leper wife share my bed with me than allow K-Fat to spend one night in my house. The most predictable thing ever done by a human being was Britney marrying that douche for like 14 minutes, then divorcing, and then marrying and reproducing with K-Fat, a back-up dancer.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Powder seems to be roid raging...



Usually I don't make fun of pale people; afterall, pale is the new tan, but this guy, Hulk Hogan's illegitimate son, forces me to expose his psychotic tendencies. I make fun of Gator fans because they wear Jorts and jerseys to games, but I really can't say much in this case. This guy looks like instead of waking up and shooting liquor, he lined up about 14 speed balls and raced River Phoenix to the finish line. This son-of-a-bitch scares so bad, I couldn't even watch the whole video. I love how the reporter keeps giving him the awkward smile while she keeps asking him questions to further humiliate him. I bet 2 grand that if this poor kid's parents watched this video, they cranked their car, closed the garage and took a "nap".

Side Note: This is a comment from the video on youtube and it is freakin hilarious.


"I'd like to see this guy talk about painting his house in this voice. FIRST YOU PUT ON THE PRIMERRRR. THEN YOU PUT ON THE FIRST COAAATTT. THEN YOU LET IT DRYYYY."

Monday, October 5, 2009

Kate Beckinsale lights a fag and my underoos






Don't get me wrong, I've always found Kate Beckinsale attractive. Her accent alone is enough to completely intoxicate you, but at the same time, ironically, I find her a little overrated. I can't really identify the reasons for my juxtaposition, but I'm pretty sure that it has something to do with her raging nicotine habit. She smokes like a freight train on fire. Having sex with Kate Beckinsale, as enticing as it sounds, would be like using your penis to draw circles in a dirty ashtray. I think just one night of passion with her would lead to chronic smoking halitosis, an artificial vibrating voicebox, and lung cancer. Despite being the Marlboro Woman, these pictures are proof that good lighting, airbrushing and unhealthy obsessions with famous actresses and models, make you look really, really sexy.


**For those that don't read or have a clue, a fag is a British term for Cigarette. If you didn't know that, please don't read my blog again.

Ashlee Simpson and some unknown blonde chick



Apparently over the weekend Jessica Simpson accompanied her sister in Vegas to celebrate Ashlee's birthday. If someone had shown me this picture five years ago when Jessica absolutely owned Daisy Dukes and Ashlee looked like Geppetto's wooden puppet, I would've sworn my penis was blackmailing me. I've never in my life seen one sibling's hotness decline while the other skyrockets to this degree. Based on this picture, as sick as it makes me to say this, Ashlee Simpson is engulfed in flames, while her sister Jessica, looks like my grandmother's grandmother in a black and white moo-moo. With regret to sounding hyperbolic, if Jessica Saimpson stood next to me at the bar and tried to pick me up, I would immediately order 3 shots of 151, pour it on my head, and light myself on fire.

Ashley Greene is a rocket.




I'm not joking when I say this, but I have no clue who Ashley Greene is. In fact, until like two weeks ago, I had never heard her name. Now it doesn't bother me that someone slipped under my Who's Who in Hollywood Radar. What bothers me is she's a smokeshow and I haven't seen her covered by paparazzi idiots stalking stars and taking pictures. Are they telling me that I have to have be inundated Jon and Kate, Britney, and Lindsay, but I can't get a little of this? This chick is 91 times hotter than anyone I just named yet I've never heard of her. This just pisses me off. Well, here is Ashley Greene primarily because you're not gonna get her anywhere else. Thank me later.

The Russian mob will be all over this one...



Aside from its 426hp 6.1L V8 engine, the 2010 Brabus Mercedes-Benz Viano Lounge features a 32-inch LCD, two Sony VAIO laptops, a PlayStation 3, Nespresso machine, and even a Vertu Constellation phone. Unfortunately, this is just a concept...for now.

Mercedes released this prototype to remind the majority of the world that they don't want you to own their automobiles. Aspiring to create a G5 on wheels was a success because this thing is bad ass. This van could make a soccer magnet look good...ok maybe not, but I wouldn't mind my parents owning this thing.

"Hey mom. I'm gonna take Madison on a date Friday night...mind if I take the van?"

All I'm saying is that if my date started at 7:30, that van would be a love machine by 7:36.

I couldn't be more disappointed in mankind.


Doing it for the Kids is a current exhibition to showcase the latest, most innovative sustainable toy designs from around the globe. Among them, the Placenta Teddy Bear by designer Alex Green. A crafty alternative for those who don’t necessarily want to eat their baby’s placenta, but want to pay their respects to the life sustaining organ by turning it into a one-of-a-kind teddy bear. Green’s ‘Twin Teddy Kit’ ‘celebrates the unity of the infant, the mother and the placenta,’ and enables preparation of the placenta so it may be transformed into a teddy bear. The placenta must be cut in half and rubbed with sea salt to cure it. After it is dried out, it is treated with an emulsifying mixture of tannin and egg yolk to make it soft and pliable. Then, you craft it into a teddy bear.

Holy crazy! Nothing about this is ok. Eating placentas are either for people that live in Berkeley and drive cars that run on vegetable oil or for people so self indulgent and off their rocker, they eat human organs and flesh. Either way, that's a bat shit crazy move. Now these idiots are taking it to another level. Is it not enough to canibalize your own baby's life sac, that you have to go Build-a-Bear? Building teddy bears with placentas is the creepiest thing since Scott Peterson. If you read this and think, "Aww...how sweet," please do us all a favor and OD on your Xanax Rx tonight.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

This is all the ammunition you need to hate Hollywood



Actors and actresses from Harrison Ford to Debra Winger have reportedly joined the growing throng of liberal celebrities calling for Polanski to be released following his arrest in Switzerland last week.

Studio kingpin Harvey Weinstein says he is leading the charge and "e-mailing everybody I know" to push for the swift release of his friend, whom he calls a "humanist" who has been the victim of a gross "miscarriage of justice" for more than three decades.

Scores of American film icons from Woody Allen to Martin Scorsese have signed a petition demanding "the immediate release of Roman Polanski," saying they were "dismayed" by his arrest.


Roman Polanski was 44 years old when he raped, YES RAPED, a 13 year old little girl. I don't care if this was consentual in nature. He was a person in power, a director, and someone that would be very impressionable on a child. He fed her quaaludes and champagne. He even had anal sex with this girl. She was 13 years old. People in Hollywood are calling him a humanist! Only in that God forsaken town could this happen. They gave this monster, this pedophile a standing ovation at the Oscars several years ago. What in the hell is wrong with these people? They're dismayed by his arrest? This coming from Woody Allen, a man that had a sexual relationship with and married his stepdaughter. I'll show you dismayed. If you drug, rape and sodomize my 13 year old daughter, I'm going to kill you. No border could protect you, Roman. You won't have to worry about Swiss extradition or movie making abroad. The only thing you'll have to worry about is judgement in front of your maker because you're days on this Earth would be numbered. Roman Polanski is a pedophile and a predator. I hope you burn. Hollywood is full of the sickest most out-of-touch individuals this world has to offer. My dream is to leave all these idiots competing in the job market. They aren't qualified to flip burgers.

"Oy vey iz mir!"





Learn a new sexy face, Emmy.


I'm not sure who this girl is, but I think she was in a movie or something. Regardless, I think she's really underrated. If Katherine Heigl and Kirstin Dunst can be movie stars, this chick is like Helen of Troy. Anyway, she announced that she and her husband are divorcing. This probably happened when she woke up one morning, rolled over and looked at him.

Then thought, I'm Emmy Rossum and I sleep with this? Then she tapped him on the shoulder to wake him.

"Honey, wake up. WAKE UP."
"What? What is it?"
"I'm hot. You're not. We're over. ok?"

People reports:

Siegel cites irreconcilable differences and seeks spousal support from Rossum, 23, according to the Sept. 25 filing in Los Angeles Superior Court. The couple had no children. Although no date of separation is listed on the divorce filing, a source says the pair split in August.

She's reportedly dating Counting Crows lead singer, Adam Duritz. This is essentially like a more talented Jewish equivalent to that ugly dude seen above. The amount of ass this dumpy guy has pulled rivals any dude in history. He looks like a walking double cheeseburger, yet he's dated Jennifer Aniston, Courtney Cox, Lara Flynn Boyle, Mary Louise Parker, Monica Potter, Samantha Mathis, Ivanka Trump, Winona Ryder, Teri Hatcher, Whitney Casey, Christina Applegate, Nicole Kidman, and Gwen Stefani. Yeah dude, I know. Holy crap were my words too. If having that stupid hair, which has to be fake and being Jewish lands you these, I'm converting.

What an amazing treat...



For those who haven't experienced Vortex in Atlanta GA, I offer you a challenge if you ever go. Served at both locations, Little Five Points and Midtown, the Double Coronary Bypass Burger is one of the most amazing guilty pleasures you'll ever experience. It's the best 13 dollars I've ever spent. Here it is:

One-half pound of sirloin with lettuce and onion, topped with 4 slices of American cheese, 5 strips of bacon, and 2 fried eggs. Probably because you wouldn't survive the whole ordeal, the mayo is thankfully served on the side. Instead of buns, however, The Double Coronary is served between TWO GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES.

I know that sounds intimidating, but after a night of drinking, or a day of drinking for that matter, nothing hits the spot like this American culinary masterpiece. Don't be too scared though because the last time I had one, I didn't eat for three weeks...true story.

In a related story, if you're overweight, I'm sure you don't know this, but drinking Diet Coke will NOT offset this massive caloric intake.

I bet she's eaten those dogs by now too...




Former Baywatch babe, Nicole Eggert, announced she'll be joining Celebrity Fit Club on VH1 this season. You may know Nicole from the 1992 movie, Blown Away, with Corey Haim. Corey Haim was never seen after that movie because I'm pretty sure she ate him. Someone needs to get to the bottom of this mystery because I really liked Corey Haim...especially when he played that kid on that show Different Strokes...wait, no, that was Gary Coleman. Nevermind.

Something tells me this might be a tough sell Mr President...



In the wake of the horrific and cowardly violence toward an honor student walking home from school on the soutside of Chicago, pitching the Olympics might be a tough one. Obama can sell Ketchup to a woman in a white suit, but this, well, I'm gonna say no thank you, sir. Actually, I can see it now:

"We're going live to the southside of Chicago where, apparently, six Kenyan marathon runners have just been murdered by gangs for no apparent reason whatsoever...it appears they were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Back to you Bob."

I don't know about you guys, but the 2016 Olympics in the Gaza Strip sounds safer than this place.

A little re-run to remind you that we're doomed.

Let me preface by saying that this movie is stupid. That said, it's brilliant. Just watch the intro and if you don't want to immediately order this movie online, you probably fall into the category that is reproducing like rabbits and ruining human civilization one teenage pregnancy at a time.

Monday, September 28, 2009

This evening I was watching the tele...







I'm not sure what it is about England, but they just seem to turn out hot women like Taliban turn out terrorists. These days, when I see a picture of a hot girl and I don't know who it is, I can almost assume she's British. Most of you don't even know these chicks because unlike me, in your free time, you're probably putting on your bowling team uniform or trading comic books. It's dripping sexuality like this that is responsible for the success of the human race. These girls make the X chromosome jealous. I bet right now, Megan Fox is sitting in her bed beside Brian Austin Green and her prison tattoo kit wishing she had a quarter of what these chicks have. Hey Megan, better luck next time. Btw, you really were terrific on SNL. Just kidding, it was painful to watch.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

It seems peace just isn't their thing...



Watching this video cracks me up. It's one thing that it's national Peace Day in Afghanistan, but it's another thing entirely when you've got Lennie from Of Mice and Men squeezing the life out of the dove before the release ceremony. Then the guy is either blind or stupid because after the head of the dove is slooped over in an obvious, "I'm dead" position, he decided to throw the bird up in the air for sh*ts and giggles. Call me crazy, but murdering peace doves on Peace Day doesn't send the message they intended...unless their message was, "We want peace, we want peace, OH I just killed you."