This means almost nothing...

Various sources are reporting, especially with this picture, that Jessica Simpson is preggers. That's just what we need, another 4'11" chubby addition to the creepy, incredibly stupid Simpson clan. I have my doubts though, even with this picture. The way this chick's weight fluctuates as she competitively eats, this could be just her leaving a light lunch at Chateau Marmont.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

I hope you don't read this and think I'm saying that someone can't be famous if they don't look good in Daisy Dukes because that's exactly what I'm saying. These pictures are from Jessica Simpson arriving at the finale of Project Runway as a guest judge. Yes, I said, Jessica Simpson is a guest judge on a fashion design show. Having Chestica as a guest judge for fashion is like having Jennifer Anniston, or, well, Jessica Simpson, lead a forum on how to keep boyfriends. To me though, the funniest part, is that she arrived as a guest judge on a clothing design show in this Hefty Cinch Sack taken out of Joan Collins' closet from Dynasty. The other bewildering part is how she's bound and determined to transform herself into Motown legend, Aretha Franklin. Jessica, please stop trying to eat your pain away. I don't think I've actually ever seen breasts grow this fast. It's like her breasts are on HGH. Jess, mix in a run and a salad, babe. At this rate, you'll be getting inducted into the Motown Hall of Fame sometime next year.

Bless her heart...

Jessica Simpson is like a stupidity ninja.

"Daisy meant the world to me," she told Usmagazine.com at a QVC event in NYC Tuesday. "I hold her memory very, very close. It was an unfortunate thing what happened. That I don't have her every day ... It's a very hard thing to talk about."

The 5-year-old Malti-Poo went missing on Sept. 14 in Los Angeles. That night, she created a missing dog poster that read "I Miss My Mommy ... Daisy" all over her neighborhood. After a frantic weeks-long search, Simpson gave up.

Simpson has mixed feelings on whether she'll buy another dog, but she's sure how Daisy would feel about it. "I haven't really thought about another dog yet, but maybe sometime. [Daisy] would want that."

Daisy would want that? I miss my mommy? WTF is she talking about? Her dog would want that? No she wouldn't. Her dog doesn't give 2 shits. All dogs want is to be cared for aka (BE FED), and have sex with another dog if they still have their working parts, your leg if they don't. Being taken out is optional because they'll be more than happy to drop a deuce on your floor or pee on the fake ficus tree in the corner. Jessica Simpson is so dumb, I'm surprised she can carry out normal daily activities. It wouldn't shock me if some mornings she uses hair gel for tooth paste and q-tips for tampons. Dating her would be like dating a dalmation. They're beautiful to look at, but you know at any second they're going to truly amaze you with their overwhelming propensity for doing and saying stupid things.

Ashlee Simpson and some unknown blonde chick

Apparently over the weekend Jessica Simpson accompanied her sister in Vegas to celebrate Ashlee's birthday. If someone had shown me this picture five years ago when Jessica absolutely owned Daisy Dukes and Ashlee looked like Geppetto's wooden puppet, I would've sworn my penis was blackmailing me. I've never in my life seen one sibling's hotness decline while the other skyrockets to this degree. Based on this picture, as sick as it makes me to say this, Ashlee Simpson is engulfed in flames, while her sister Jessica, looks like my grandmother's grandmother in a black and white moo-moo. With regret to sounding hyperbolic, if Jessica Saimpson stood next to me at the bar and tried to pick me up, I would immediately order 3 shots of 151, pour it on my head, and light myself on fire.

I told you to lose that weight...

In news that didn't even surprise Jennifer Aniston or her own father, Chestica Simpson got dumped by Tony Romo over the weekend. If you had red hot iron pokers stuck through your eye balls and scorching your retinas, you could've still seen this coming from 3.6 miles away. For those of you that are dumber than bricks, Tony Romo is the quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys. When you QB in the NFL, much less the Cowboys, getting laid becomes a burden...girls waiting for you at your hotel, girls waiting for you at the practice facility, girls waiting on you at your car, girls waiting for you outside your house, girls, girls, girls. I can relate and trust me...it sucks. Following that same parallel, I understand why Romo chose Chestica. Settling down with Jessica Simpson is actually a great move. She's so shockingly insecure that you can almost get away with anything. Couple that with one of the best bodies in the history of the human race, a pretty face, business acumen, a great rack (worth mentioning again), and one of the most endearing "airhead acts" ever played and you've got almost the perfect girl. A guy like Romo doesn't want to be controlled...she won't. He's wants a sex machine...HELLOOO? He wants a celebrity...she's one. He wants his girl to be envied...she is. It's really pretty simple. The sad part of this whole story though is Simpson. When you have the genetic gifts and marketability that she does, it's nearly impossible to eff it up, yet she succeeds over and over again. She's basically the saboteur of her own success. She's like the least talented, most successful, least qualified, most famous, celebrity ever. She's like a walking juxtaposition. It's quite an enigma. Verbally pinpointing the demise of the relationship would be as pointless as printing headlines that read, "Insiders say Michael Jackson was gay." It's obviously her creepy and medling father. No person on Earth can ruin your career or life faster than Joe Simpson. If you have an arch nemesis and you want his/her life destroyed, call Joe. Joe Simpson is like the youth baseball dad or the pageant mom that relives their dreams through their children. Except for the fact that Jessica is nearly 30. The sun is going down on her days of landing high profile athletes and celebrities based on her good looks and firm breasts. 30 years of hard wear and tear on those fun bags and soon the warranty's expired and the best she'll land is Larry, the night manager at Sears Home and Garden Center.

Could there be anybody more irrelevant?

JLH


I use initials because I physically don't have the effort to type her name out. Despite taking off her weight vest and slimming down to a size 8-10(cough)I mean size 2, she couldn't be more forgotten. I used to like her in 1998 for like 28 minutes...but now, well now, I can't even remember who I'm writing about. What were we talking about?

Jessica Simpson


The ultimate evidence that, whether admittedly or not, men and their love of breasts control the world. There is not one ounce of talent redemption in this girl. She essentially became famous for being a "hot girl fantasy" for men that dream of a pin up body on a girl too naive and stupid to know whether she's alive or dead. I used to say she's stupid like a fox, but then I saw her try to be a pop singer, then an actress, then a country singer. Babe, Chestica, stick with what you're good at doing. PSSST! (whispering) it's not singing or acting. If she didn't date Tony Romo and have ginormous jugs with an IQ of DD...I mean 14, she might actually be swallowed up by a zero gravity blackhole. I'm not a prognosticator, but if I had to guess, Romo will be as likely to marry Jessica as any man is to marry Jennifer Aniston.

Jessica Alba


Jessica Alba ruined the hopes and dreams for desperate men all over the world when she decided to marry some dude I've never heard of before. I've actually tried to like Alba, but I just can't quite drink the Kool-Aid. The best performance she's ever given was in Sin City. Primarily because she played a stripper in leather. Secondarily, because her thespian skillset leaves alot to be desired and luckily for us, she had like 2.21234 lines in the whole movie. I would mention Fantastic Four, but you wouldn't even know what in the hell I was talking about since no one saw it, and if you did, you've hopefully, with massive amounts of medication, regulated your seizures from watching Alba's performances in that adapted comic strip series. I'm not sure what she offers anymore...or perhaps ever did.

Lindsay Lohan


Practiced drunk, coke head, lesbian, fornicator, freckle producer, movie success annihilator, relationship assassin--What else could I possibly add to this? Even Lindsay's own mother, Dina Lohan, who sucks everything good and pure out of life on this earth, is ashamed of her. Her hideously ugly DJ girlfriend, who ironically, was made famous by Lindsay, I think, dumped her, changed the locks, and contemplated a restraining order. When you make someone famous by having sex with them, you know you're famous. When you win two consecutive Razzie awards, you're dead broke, and you're drinking your liver into toxic shock because SaMANtha Ronson, the girl you made famous by having sex with, broke up with you, changed the locks on her house, and contemplated a restraining order, you know you're painfully unfamous.

Katherine Heigl


I remember back in 1994 when My Father the Hero came out with that weird French guy with the bulbous penis shaped nose, I thought Katherine Heigl was dreamy. Then, as I grew into my adolescence and young adulthood, she struck again in the action packed sequel Under Seige 2. Looking back on the Under Seige and Speed movies, I feel I've had the wool pulled over my eyes. How stupid or high was I to willing suspend my disbelief and accept that two characters could be hijacked twice in their lifetimes. I digress. Anyway, Katherine Heigl has the audacity to have her career revived by Gray's Anatomy, leading to being cast as the lead in several blockbuster movies like Knocked Up and 27 Dresses; yet she continuously bashes the production crew of Gray's, openly criticizing its writers and producers, always walks around the streets looking haggard and homely while smoking. She said that she doesn't know if she'll return to the show so she can devote more time to her movie career. Gray's producers have retaliated by being hush hush about the future of her annoying and repulsive character, Izzie. They've hinted that they may kill off her character this year especially with her recent melanoma diagnosis. Since then, Katherine's proverbial tune has changed, stating that if the producers will "have" her back, she would absolutely return. Honestly, please kill this broad. Not only do I want her to die of Melanoma, I want her to get dillusions of parasitosis, tertiary syphilis, and esophageal genital warts, as she spends the remaining few months of her emaciating life begging for assisted suicide. Was that too harsh? Maybe a little.

Honorable Mentions:
Cameron Diaz
Kelly Ripa
Jessica Biel

Now we're talking...

Chestica Simpson can wear things like this and make everyone forget either, how poorly dressed she was in those high waisted jeans, or how much weight she had gained. I bet she hasn't eaten or drunk since then, but if you have a body like this, you have a responsibility to maximize its potential. Wearing high waisted mom jeans is not fullfilling that responsibility. Untalented pop stars like Simpson need to learn to "get it" like Britney, Shakira, Beyonce, and Taylor Swift "get it." They know their target audience and appease them with their unsaid requests. Beyonce's audience, they want a big ass and legs. Taylor Swift's audience of young girls, they want cowboy boots and songs about being 15 years old. Shakira's audience, they want Latin beats and Espanol latent lyrics. Britney, they want sex and she delivers better than anyone. The major problem is that Simpson's audience wants all of these things. That's why she hasn't "found herself" as an artist. If she would give up on ballads, dump her disturbing, doofus, dad as her manager, and join the Britney train, she would sell out everywhere. The problem is, she can't act at all, and she can't fit in the music industry regardless of country, pop, or adult contemporary because she has no guidance or identity. That's what happens when you become famous for being famous. Reality TV doesn't always equal success. Nonetheless, Chestica, do us all a favor. Until you figure out your career path, you'll maintain your notoriety by dressing like a slut in a country and western bar.

Holy Cow...pardon the pun.

I didn't know that Belly Clarkson and Jessica Plumpson were friends, but allegedly the two were spotted sitting on a bench on Sunset Blvd drinking Crisco Milkshakes. I don't know why Kelly has let herself go, but I'm almost sure she's eaten all four judges from American Idol and Clive Davis.