Tom Cruise's couch jumping days are over...Knight and Day will be a big hit.

Some people on this Earth just have "it". I hate to say it. It actually pains me to say it, but Tom Cruise is one of those guys. Wednesday night I went to see Knight and Day and granted, the movie isn't a Soderbergh or a Chrisotpher Nolan, but what it is is fun and damn entertaining. I didn't even want to like Tom Cruise, but I couldn't help it. He was engaging, surprisingly charismatic and very funny. If you're looking for something to walk away from inspired or intrigued, even sad or confused, trust me, this isn't it. In fact, save your money for Inception or The Adjustment Bureau if that's what you're looking for. But if you're looking for something mindless, something upbeat, something more summer-ish, Knight and Day will deliver on a platter to you 2 hours and 10 minutes of just plain fun. The only thing I could have done without is Cameron Diaz's stupid laugh, wrinkly face, and her oddly-shaped man torso. I don't like girls with that V angling down from their obliques like Cristiano Rinaldo. If I wanted my girl to look like a dude, I'd just date a dude, but I don't cause I'm not. Take for instance, Helen of Troy, you don't see dude abs. You just see an impeccably shaped specimen of sexuality and reproductive fitness. She's so sexy, I once knocked her up from another state. True Story.

Cameron Diaz is like a superhero of uselessness.

Cameron "Supreme Pizza" Diaz said this to some magazine no one reads:

"I think women are afraid to say that they don't want children because they're going to get shunned. But I think that's changing too now. I have more girlfriends who don't have kids than those that do. And honestly? We don't need any more kids. We have plenty of people on this planet."

No Cameron, we just don't need any more kids that are as painfully insufferable as you. We don't need spoiled brat actresses that age in dog years. I could find more likable qualities in a hybrid of Joseph Stalin and Ivan the Terrible than I could find in you. Let me translate your comments,

"I have more girlfriends who don't have kids than those that do"
TRANSLATED
I don't have kids, nor can I convince/trick/drug a man into loving me and reproducing with me.

"And honestly, we don't need any more kids. We have plenty of people on this planet."
TRANSLATED
Since I can't find someone to love me and give me kids, no one should have them. Besides, those kids over in "the" Africa and "the" Iraq are taking all of my food. I'm rich and Hollywood is low on energy and no one should wear fur, but I likee fur, but you shouldn't wear it...wait what am I supposed to say? I need a break...this commercial is hard work. Where is my personal assistant! That bitch! I need a @ucking water. Jesus! What do you have to do to get a water around here. Look I'll be in my 80ft trailer...this commercial sucks. Call my agent...I need more money for this. Oh yeah...I love Barack Obama. But, like...I hate fur and stuff.

Could there be anybody more irrelevant?

JLH


I use initials because I physically don't have the effort to type her name out. Despite taking off her weight vest and slimming down to a size 8-10(cough)I mean size 2, she couldn't be more forgotten. I used to like her in 1998 for like 28 minutes...but now, well now, I can't even remember who I'm writing about. What were we talking about?

Jessica Simpson


The ultimate evidence that, whether admittedly or not, men and their love of breasts control the world. There is not one ounce of talent redemption in this girl. She essentially became famous for being a "hot girl fantasy" for men that dream of a pin up body on a girl too naive and stupid to know whether she's alive or dead. I used to say she's stupid like a fox, but then I saw her try to be a pop singer, then an actress, then a country singer. Babe, Chestica, stick with what you're good at doing. PSSST! (whispering) it's not singing or acting. If she didn't date Tony Romo and have ginormous jugs with an IQ of DD...I mean 14, she might actually be swallowed up by a zero gravity blackhole. I'm not a prognosticator, but if I had to guess, Romo will be as likely to marry Jessica as any man is to marry Jennifer Aniston.

Jessica Alba


Jessica Alba ruined the hopes and dreams for desperate men all over the world when she decided to marry some dude I've never heard of before. I've actually tried to like Alba, but I just can't quite drink the Kool-Aid. The best performance she's ever given was in Sin City. Primarily because she played a stripper in leather. Secondarily, because her thespian skillset leaves alot to be desired and luckily for us, she had like 2.21234 lines in the whole movie. I would mention Fantastic Four, but you wouldn't even know what in the hell I was talking about since no one saw it, and if you did, you've hopefully, with massive amounts of medication, regulated your seizures from watching Alba's performances in that adapted comic strip series. I'm not sure what she offers anymore...or perhaps ever did.

Lindsay Lohan


Practiced drunk, coke head, lesbian, fornicator, freckle producer, movie success annihilator, relationship assassin--What else could I possibly add to this? Even Lindsay's own mother, Dina Lohan, who sucks everything good and pure out of life on this earth, is ashamed of her. Her hideously ugly DJ girlfriend, who ironically, was made famous by Lindsay, I think, dumped her, changed the locks, and contemplated a restraining order. When you make someone famous by having sex with them, you know you're famous. When you win two consecutive Razzie awards, you're dead broke, and you're drinking your liver into toxic shock because SaMANtha Ronson, the girl you made famous by having sex with, broke up with you, changed the locks on her house, and contemplated a restraining order, you know you're painfully unfamous.

Katherine Heigl


I remember back in 1994 when My Father the Hero came out with that weird French guy with the bulbous penis shaped nose, I thought Katherine Heigl was dreamy. Then, as I grew into my adolescence and young adulthood, she struck again in the action packed sequel Under Seige 2. Looking back on the Under Seige and Speed movies, I feel I've had the wool pulled over my eyes. How stupid or high was I to willing suspend my disbelief and accept that two characters could be hijacked twice in their lifetimes. I digress. Anyway, Katherine Heigl has the audacity to have her career revived by Gray's Anatomy, leading to being cast as the lead in several blockbuster movies like Knocked Up and 27 Dresses; yet she continuously bashes the production crew of Gray's, openly criticizing its writers and producers, always walks around the streets looking haggard and homely while smoking. She said that she doesn't know if she'll return to the show so she can devote more time to her movie career. Gray's producers have retaliated by being hush hush about the future of her annoying and repulsive character, Izzie. They've hinted that they may kill off her character this year especially with her recent melanoma diagnosis. Since then, Katherine's proverbial tune has changed, stating that if the producers will "have" her back, she would absolutely return. Honestly, please kill this broad. Not only do I want her to die of Melanoma, I want her to get dillusions of parasitosis, tertiary syphilis, and esophageal genital warts, as she spends the remaining few months of her emaciating life begging for assisted suicide. Was that too harsh? Maybe a little.

Honorable Mentions:
Cameron Diaz
Kelly Ripa
Jessica Biel

Highest Paid Actress is Pretty for Once...

The Hollywood Reporter released its yearly list of the highest paid actresses and to shock no one, the number one actress was Angelina Jolie. You may think she's weird or gross or whatever, but you can't deny her popularity and generosity. What burns my ass though is the rest of the actresses on the list.

2. Julia Roberts (Certified Movie Star) Katherine Hepburn of our generation. No doubt deserved.

3. Reese Witherspoon (one good movie) aside from that Legally Blonde, Fear, Cruel Intentions, Election, Rendition, (no one else saw that either, don't worry) not saying she doesnt deserve it, but she's got a long way to go in my book. Famous because youre famous doesn't demand 20 million a movie.

4. Cameron Diaz (HOLY SHIT) Her last good movie was...well...there was...well there
had to be...she doesn't have one. She's not pretty and she's a terrible thespian. The fact that she makes this list makes me want to go into the bathroom and funnel drano. I am an avid moviegoer and I seriously cannot think of the last movie she has done that didn't include voiceover animation. If you chime in with, What Happens in Vegas, don't eever read my blog again.




5. Kathrine Heigl (God sent me a fax today that said, "Trey, I hate you, God-") The fact that this hideous sea donkey, white trash, smoking, no-talent is on television portraying anything not on National Geographic is a travesty. I can't even say her name without having reflux. If it were up to me and I were a writer on Gay's Anatomy, I would write her getting the Ebola Virus from her schizophrenia induced invisible boyfriend and let her die within the first 3 minutes where no character would mourn her loss, instead rejoice with a party in the cafeteria. I think it's crystal clear how Hollywood has gotten so shitty. How can studios be so confused as to why Hollywood ticket sales are down? Shitty movies, shitty scripts, and shitty actresses, perhaps...just a thought.