Kelly, I thought we agreed to keep this quiet.

This is my tribute to British hottie Kelly Brook. Since she announced her pregnancy last week, I am here to read her last rights of hotness. Her once obviously flawless body dripping with sexual energy and desire will be mutilated by the host she'll carry for 9 months. It will never be the same again. Certain women shouldn't be allowed to reproduce, namely, Kelly Brook. As I said last week, if you can look at these pictures without getting that funny feeling in your basement, you should go ahead and come out to your parents, because trust me, they already know.

Guard it with your life...

If there's one thing that a woman has that can ensure her youth in a cruel world where men age more gracefully, it's long hair. It's the one commodity that should never be relinquished. We all know it has to go at some point, but don't rush it please. If it were up to me, I think that old ass Rose in Titanic looked better with long hair and she was like 140 or something. Kelly Brook is one of the hottest women on the planet and now, with this helmet, she looks like some aging mom from a Harry Potter movie. It's so unnerving to witness such a demise of elite beauty. I wonder what goes through the head of a woman as she sits in the chair and requests this god awful lettuce. I'm simply disgusted. Kelly Brook stole my heart when she took her clothes off in Survival Island and then again in Piranha 3-D, but now, with this look, I'm trying to be seduced by kindergarten teacher from rural Iowa.

Maxim Magazine has their finger on the pulse of the American Man.

Nothing on earth, besides Beyonce, Tyra Banks, Sean Hannity, and Meryl Streep, annoys me more than Maxim magazine. Actually, it's any mens magazine for that matter. How out-of-touch can you be with your target audience. It's almost like the editors of mens magazines are getting consulted by the Republican Party because neither have a clue to whom they're marketing. I don't have one ounce of homophobia, but I'm pretty sure every editor for Maxim, Playboy, Esquire, FHM, GQ are gay. It doesn't matter to me because I don't buy those stupid magazines anyway. But if I did, I certainly wouldn't have Katy Perry at the top of 2010's Maxim's Hot 100 List. That's just re-damn-diculous. She's not the best looking girl at a drag show. Case in Point:

Katy Perry-->#1
Alessandra Ambrosio-->#63

Katy Perry-->#1
Kelly Brook-->#89

Katy Perry-->#1
Marissa Miller-->#10

Katy Perry-->#1
Blake Lively-->#4

Are those numbers jokes? Does higher numbers mean a better score? Is this a golf or bowling hotness score? There's no way you can convince me that these magazines are trying to move copies, let alone, sell to men. I wouldn't purchase Maxim Magazine if you held a gun to my head while you fed my dog an anti-freeze smoothie. These people are so clueless they couldn't sell sexual fantasy unless it's wrapped in size 14 high heels, Adam's apples, and dancing to Reba's Fancy or anything by Cher. It's not that I care, just don't hand me an apple and tell me it's a pear. That's insulting. Also, that's why you can't sell magazines.

This evening I was watching the tele...

I'm not sure what it is about England, but they just seem to turn out hot women like Taliban turn out terrorists. These days, when I see a picture of a hot girl and I don't know who it is, I can almost assume she's British. Most of you don't even know these chicks because unlike me, in your free time, you're probably putting on your bowling team uniform or trading comic books. It's dripping sexuality like this that is responsible for the success of the human race. These girls make the X chromosome jealous. I bet right now, Megan Fox is sitting in her bed beside Brian Austin Green and her prison tattoo kit wishing she had a quarter of what these chicks have. Hey Megan, better luck next time. Btw, you really were terrific on SNL. Just kidding, it was painful to watch.

I love her sunglasses...

Being able to call Kelly Brook your girlfriend must be the equivalent of having a golden penis that prints money and ages you backwards. Seriously, even if you're gay, there's no way you don't want to have sex with this woman. If you don't, to me, you're not significant enough for me to acknowledge your existence.

If you're wondering what wins, this is it.

Sometimes when genes come together, there's magic. This is one of those times. Kelly Brook is so sexy she'll blow your face off. I'm not sure if she can actually speak words or cut her own meat, but who cares about such frivolous and inconsequential details. Kelly Brook can light your pants on fire by accident. You could just be walking past her and whoof...up in flames. I would trade my virility for one night...just one.

For Kelly's sake, I hope I'm in her favorites...

Over the weekend, Kelly Brook was photographed sending me a pix message. I have begged her to stop this nonsense since she has no shot at winning my love, but getting beautiful supermodels to stop calling and writing me is like trying to tame a pride of rabid lions.

Swimsuit inventor undoubtedly had Kelly in mind.

Many of you that don't obsess, hanker, and thirst for female celebrities like I do, might not know Kelly Brook. Too bad for you is all I have to say. If you haven't been introduced, people, this is Kelly Ann Parsons Brook. She, too, is an abysmal actress, starring only in movies that require her to minimalize her clothing's coverage area; moreover, she's dated actor Jason Statham and was engaged to Billy Zane, the creepy guy from Dead Calm and Titanic, for nearly five years. Really, all of this is completely pointless because if you're a straight guy, there's absolutely no way you looked at the pictures above and were able to concentrate on anything else besides how perfectly her body was designed to fit into swimsuits. Seriously, Gary and Wyatt from Weird Science, couldn't have manufactured Lisa to be more punishingly desirable to people of the opposite sex than this girl. Once again, I'm reminded how much I loathe European football players and their ability to steal my potential future ex-girlfriends.