Megan Fox lights box office on fire...

Megan Fox couldn't sell kiddie porn to Michael Jackson. Everything she touches turns to FAIL. She's ignorant, arrogant, talentless, and ungrateful. I know you're probably growing tired of my rants about this chick, but I can't help myself. It's just that she's so easy to loathe. Jonah Hex finished the weekend in 8th place. 8TH. That's 8th behind, Toy Story 3, The Karate Kid, The A-Team, Get Him to the Greek, Shrek, Prince of Persia, and Killers. If you're Megan Fox and the movie you're supposed to carry finishes behind a movie starring an insufferable and unattractive Kathrine Heigl, and a dopey Ashton Kutcher that's been out for 3 weeks, you might wanna look to another career. Megan...stick to modeling. People, not me, but people, wanna see you...they just don't wanna see you act.

Do you see the resemblance?

After the recent performance of the disaster that was Jennifer's Body, it seems Megan Fox's arrogant ass may have been rightfully humbled a bit. At the 2009 Scream Awards, Megan attempted to set the record straight about the ungrateful and negative comments surrounding Michael Bay and the Transformer series, which btw, is the reason she isn't in a trailer or porn.

US Magazine reports:

"I don't usually do this, but I wanted to say something," she began. "There have been a lot of false reports about how I feel about this movie. I just want to be very clear that I've always felt I'm a very ordinary part of an extraordinary film."
She added that "the movie took me out of obscurity and gave me a career, and I'm completely grateful to everyone involved with this franchise."

Grateful to everyone? I remember just two months ago you related Michael Bay to Hitler in one breath and poked fun of Transformers in the other. The truth is, Megan Fox makes enemies everywhere she goes...with the exception of her Vietnamese eyebrow waxer. Before Jennifer's body premiered, she was one of the most sought after actresses in Hollywood. Since then, we realized she can't act worth shit and even her bisexual kissing scene couldn't help Jennifer's Body bring in much more than 16 million dollars. To put that in perspective, Tyler Perry's I Can Do Bad All By Myself, did 51 million. I could market Michael Moore nude in a movie and bring in more money than Jennifer's Body. Ha ha you suck Megan Fox.

This evening I was watching the tele...

I'm not sure what it is about England, but they just seem to turn out hot women like Taliban turn out terrorists. These days, when I see a picture of a hot girl and I don't know who it is, I can almost assume she's British. Most of you don't even know these chicks because unlike me, in your free time, you're probably putting on your bowling team uniform or trading comic books. It's dripping sexuality like this that is responsible for the success of the human race. These girls make the X chromosome jealous. I bet right now, Megan Fox is sitting in her bed beside Brian Austin Green and her prison tattoo kit wishing she had a quarter of what these chicks have. Hey Megan, better luck next time. Btw, you really were terrific on SNL. Just kidding, it was painful to watch.

I'd rather have the Swine Flu

I haven't been subtle about how much I loathe this stupid broad. Mark my words, her career won't last more than 3 years. There's no way. Tara Reid has infinitely more talent than this chick. What's so ridiculous is how she never fails to tell you how amazing she is and how you can't resist her web of sexual desire. In the the latest issue of Cosmo this useless bimbo reminds me how much I can actually hate a human being.

Megan on commitment: "I have no problem with commitment — you can't have a real relationship without it. I can flip on a switch in my brain, and even if the next Brad Pitt is standing next to me, I won't look at him. But I can also turn that switch off, and then I collect attractive boys."

Megan on boys: "I never call them guys. I always called them boys. Maybe it's a superiority complex — my needing to keep them down."

Megan on being hit on by famous dudes: "It's fun when someone intends to put you in his back pocket, but instead, he walks away wounded. I make it a mind game, so they don't know if I'm hitting on them or mocking them. Male actors drop lines about their private jets, trying to seem powerful, but I don't give a shit. I don't need someone else's power. I'm obtaining my own."

Megan, babe, you're not obtaining power. The only thing you're obtaining is a ahort list of shitty movies on IMDB.COM. You're starring (cough) being cast as a hot body with minimal dialogue, thank God, in horrific movies. You made both Transformers almost unwatchable and they're both filled with Transformers and explosions which happen to be two of my favorite things ever. Your acting talent, or lack thereof, is beyond words. You make Ben Affleck look like Marlon Brando. Telling people you're awesome doesn't make you awesome. It makes you stupid. Jennifer's Body will be a winner opening weekend because kids are stupid and love stupid movies, but after week two, crash and burn. The reason I hate Hollywood is because people like this are famous. If you disagree with me on who's hotter, Angelina Jolie or Megan Fox, consider this...

Angelina Jolie is married to Brad Pitt.

Megan Fox dates Brian Austin Green.


Case closed. I win.

OMG...please stop with your nonsense

Megan, despite your best efforts to be sexy, bisexual, and Angelina Jolie, you really have fooled Hollywood enough by now so that you don't have to act so effing stupid by trying to be the center of attention everywhere you go. First of all, the chick to your left, that's Cate Blanchett. While you spend your time collecting tattoos and trying to be mysterious like Angelina Jolie circa 1998, she spends her time collecting Oscars, class, spokesmodel contracts and faces of Chanel, Gucci, and Givenchy contracts. What I'm trying to say without being rude or insensitive is you're stupid. When you do things like this it makes me want to punch your dumb ass. Please stop. You're like nails on a chalk board. You're famous because some plastic surgeon sliced and diced your imperfections and then you fell on Michael Bay's grenade (literally and figuratively) for a role in Bad Boys 2 and then Transformers. There are literally 20 girls in Hollywood right now hotter and more talented than you...including this girl.

Megan Fox...tick tick tick. That's your 15 minutes slowly ticking away.

Isabel Lucas is the new "Megan Fox" in Transformers 2. But when I say she's the new Megan Fox, I mean that she's the unheard of girl everyone in Hollywood is talking about. Well for once I can say that I agree whole heartedly with all the news outlets talking about this chick. This is about the most fresh faced, naturally drop dead sexy girl you'll ever see...ever. When Megan Fox stops staring at her horrific Marilyn Monroe tattoo and plotting to steal Angelina Jolie's identity and career like Single White Female, she'll realize that Michael Bay cast a much hotter, more talented, and sexier girl and then her career, as I called it before, is over. Megan Fox is like a trailer park version of Angelina Jolie. These recent pictures of Isabel Lucas will make you go stock up on a lifetime supply of KY warming. This girl makes it seem so effortless you almost feel sorry for her hotness. Meanwhile, Megan Fox goes around Hollywood insinuating she's bisexual (COUGH) Jolie, gets tattoos eevery five minutes (COUGH) Jolie, displays her sexuality ad nauseum in an attention starved gestures like this. Anyway, enjoy this girl, evidence that beautiful woman with Eastern European features are my kryptonite and achilles heel all wrapped in one 115lb package of sexual desire.

We get it...you're awesome.

In an interview with Entertainment Weekly, Mgean Fox, once again fails to speak with one speck of diffidence.

EW: Do you think you're good-looking?

MF: Well, I'm clearly not ugly. (yeah clearly you're perfect) I hate you.

EW: And you've got a lot of confidence.

MF: I think most people are extremely insecure. As far as girls go, I have a really badass personality. I'm smart and I can be really funny and interesting and I can go toe-to-toe with anybody in a conversation. So I'm not afraid to speak, and I think that's what people read as this überconfidence. I have a mouth and I'm not afraid to use it. (Your mouth can't recite a line on paper without sounding like youre autistic).

EW: Women seem to have an issue with you. Do you get that impression?

MF: Sure, for the same reason they didn't like me in high school. I come across as confident and they assume that means that I think I'm hot s---. And that makes them feel bad about themselves and so they hate me. (Yeah I saw your picture and I cut myself because I only hope to be as perfect as you).

Hollywood sucks so bad. Megan Fox thinks she's on the way to becoming a Hollywood Legend. Boy is she wrong. I can't wait for her first role where she speaks. Her bubble is going to burst so fast it will smear her gay tattoos.

BTW, Disney child star, Vanesssa Hugdens just owned you.

Denise, Orange you the girl from Wild Things?

People in Hollyweird are so useless to humankind that it hurts my soul. I swear, if you're a girl with fake cans, a pretty face, and you're willing to ride in a director's pole rodeo for 8 seconds, then you're going to be famous. I guess it's no different than it used to be; afterall, Marilyn Monroe pounced everyone in Hollywood to get to where she was...so "they" say. What kills me though is that every one of these girls have been given everything their whole lives by people telling them how beautiful they are, yet their self esteeems are so critically low they can't open their mouths without putting something in it, or dropping their tops. Denise Richards is the Megan Fox of the 1990's. One movie made her a sex symbol (Wild Things), yet she "acts" like she's an auditioning for Rain Man 2. You couldn't find talent with the Hubble telescope in either of these girls, but they're considered hot, so Hollyweird loves them. It's just a matter of time when you have no talent...you'll always be exposed...just ask Marilyn...oh wait.

How you doin'?

If you're dead to me, then you probably haven't seen Forgetting Sarah Marshall. If you have seen that masterpiece of American comedy, then there's no doubt you're as in love with this Ukranian as I. Megan Fox's freckled, premature aging, tattooed body will look like elephant skin disguised with Botox in 10 years when she's playing in B or soft core movies on Skinemax still trying to make a living in Hollywood. Now I'm not saying that Mila Kunis is going to be an Oscar winner, but she will be hot, which is more than I can say for Megan's Narcissus Fox. The point is this...I would swim 300 yards underwater through a colloid of liposuction fat and mayonaise while being shot at by Macaulay Culkin for a chance encounter in a Kiev coffee shop with Mila Kunis.

I rest my case pt. 3

I could try to pad this picture with witty commentary, but since every other blog in North America is completely infatuated with this chick, I would probably wake up with my website hacked and shut down with my dogs poisoned. The obsession with Megan Fox is like a brush fire. She's only hot because, based on the consensus, you're expected to think so. I can't provide anymore metaphors to equate my discontent for this overrated dipshit with heinous tattoos.

I rest my case pt. 2

If anyone wants to try to convince me that this is the best Hollywood has to offer, I will gladly give you directions to my house so you can challenge me to a duel to the death. Frankly, I've seen hotter girls at my grandmother's assisted living facility.

Megan Average

I pretty much rest my case. If this is the hottest girl in Hollywood, I surrender my testes. Forever. No Joke.

Olivia Wilde makes me smile.

I have to say that I've been talking about Olivia Wilde for months...long before that pitiful excuse for a Men's magazine named her to their "Top 100". Apparently, more people read this blog than I thought because her popularity and sheer sexiness has taken the world by storm. Not just me, but Megan Fox also thinks pretty highly of Olivia:

“I mean, I could see myself in a relationship with a girl — Olivia Wilde is so sexy she makes me want to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hands. She’s mesmerizing.”

Well, Megan, me too. I'm not sure what mountain oxen are or do, but I would try to strangle a drove of them if it meant 26 seconds with Olivia Wilde. Seriously, I would sprint the anchor leg of the 4X400 relay on fire while running on top of dirty needles and rattlesnakes for a chance to serve Olivia Wilde a burrito.

Enough is enough...stop with the humility

Here's Megan Fox at a Lakers game several years back. She's really not that hot people. Seriously...look again.

It seems like everytime I read something Megan Fox has said, it's something along the lines of, "Oh God, I hate being this hot and desirable, or "God I wish I weren't this pretty because then people would take me serious." To be honest, I'm getting sick of it. Being the "IT" girl is a funny thing. Many times, you're not quite sure why someone is popular, but they are. I think it's that way with this girl. She has no acting skill. She's got a great body, but she's hardly the hottest girl on the planet. She kind of favors that girl you see in the trendy area of a metropolitan city leaving a tattoo parlor or an incense store. You think she's hot and really sexy, but then you remember you're in an incense store and no one showers with soap or ambition in incense stores. I don't know what it is, I've just grown tired of the act she puts on as if she's not trying harder than anyone on the planet to be sexy. Here's a few examples of her being completely shocked at how awesome she is and how hot the person is that is staring back at her in the mirror:

"It pisses me when people fucking complain that I'm too beautiful to get a part. That's bullshit. You wouldn't be working if you weren't attractive. Hollywood is the most superficial thing you could possibly be a part of. And if I weren't attractive I wouldn't be working at all.”

“I don’t want to have to be like a Scarlett Johansson — who I have nothing against, but I don’t want to have to go on talk shows and pull out every single SAT word I’ve every learned to prove, like, ‘Take me seriously, I am intelligent, I can speak.’ I don’t want to have to do that. I resent having to prove that I’m not a retard — but I do. And part of it is my own fault. I’m just really confident sexually, and I think that sort of oozes out of my pores. It’s just there. It’s something I don’t have to turn on.”

"I have the libido of a 15-year-old boy. My sex drive is so high. I'd rather have sex with Brian all the time than leave the house. He doesn't mind."

"I could see myself in a relationship with a girl; Olivia Wilde is so sexy she makes me want to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hands. She's mesmerizing. And lately I've been obsessed with Jenna Jameson."

"I really enjoy having sex. I’m young and have a lot of hormones. I’m always in the mood."

This chick is playing the Jedi mind trick on every guy in the world. If you keep talking about how much you like sex, how you're bisexual, how you desire other women we desire, how sexuality just oozes from you, we can't help but think you're perfect. You see it's so far from the reality most guys live in, that this chick is almost like something that you would watch in an adult entertainment video you rent for 11.99 at the Hampton Inn...not that I've done that or know that's exactly how much they cost when other "real" movies are 4.99, or know that they don't print the movie title on your receipt so you can turn it in on your expense report without losing your job. Newflash though Megan, you've basically done one movie and you sucked in that one unless you were sweaty or sticking your ass out prentending to be an auto mechanic. Walking around telling everyone how pretty you are seems to have worked thus far, but you can't fool all of the people all of the time. Your career ending countdown is on. I'm on to you.

Somebody has a murderer's thumb.

It seems Megan Fox is a rare autosomal dominant genetic anomally...and no, it's not her breasts. Despite everyone's complete and total obsession with this girl and her body, it's not that to which I refer. Instead, it's the Potter's Thumb, Murderer's Thumb, or in severe cases, Brachydactyly Type D. Although this doesn't mean anything in the scheme of human mortality or development, I just think it's fun to point out my amazing Oracle at Delphi-esque foresight and ability to point out the inadequacies of celebrities that spend their entire, empty, self-loathing lives being told how gorgeous and perfect they are. 1 in 1000, mostly girls, hasve a Murderer's thumb. The nickname started by laws in other cultures allowing sticks no bigger than the thumb to be used to beat their wives. Everyone was going great in the land of spousal stick-swinging, ass-whooping abuse until a man with this genetic abnormality picked a big ass stick up that matched his thumb thickness and he proceeded to beat her to death. The other thing is that they look really strange. Almost like E.T. If the end glowed, you could be an awesome movie finger puppet...no makeup.

I dont get it...seriously, I don't.

Am I the only guy in the world that doesn't buy into the hoopla surrounding Megan Fox? Sure, I agree she has an amazing body. She's like 23. What 23 year old doesn't have an amazing body? She's basically become famous for being famous. She gives roughly two terrible performances a year in some movie where she runs around screaming or bends over a car in tight jeans, and then the rest of the year she solidifies her stardom by stripping down for Maxim, Gear, FHM, or some other pointless magazine that only dorks subscribe. Everytime I see this chick, I'm less impressed than the time before. I just wish people would formulate their own opinions of stars and quit letting the media decide who's hot for them. The fact that this chick has a SAG card makes about as much sense as Paul Walker having one.