If my plane crashed in the Andes, I'd eat Beyonce's legs first.

Aside from Beyonce "40 Gallon Drum Leg" Knowles' vocal affectations, she's also apparently a thief and plagiarist. If you're a dork like me, this might be old news, but I couldn't resist the urge to parlay this in with the last post. The playmate...I mean indie singer seen above, was the original writer and singer of that abomination Beyonce has on the radio right now, "If I Were a Boy." Beyonce not only stole the song, but never gave writing credit to BC Jean(WTF). Listening to a loop of Oprah's screaming introductions for her guests while tied to a chair of cyanide coated nails would be more pleasant than hearing this song sung by Beyonce. Nonetheless, if you go here, you can hear a much better, less created/studio recording of a shitty song. And no, I'm not gay.

Beyonce Has Bigger Legs Than I Do.

There is really nothing I can say positive about this woman. In fact, with all sarcasm and hyperbole aside, I would rather nail my privates to a board while I practice self immolation, than be subjected to this God forsaken commercial one more time. I sat here for thirty minutes trying to think of one thing that could be more ridiculous or appalling than her Direct TV upgrading proposal, but I'm still at a loss for words. The fact that she's rich and I'm not, makes me think God is making a stand up comedy routine of my life. I'm not laughing.

I know it's over, but this is too funny to go uncovered...

"I decided to come back and vote a couple of times....I think that's against the law, but that's ok."

People, we are breeding ourselves into intellectual mediocrity. This is the day and age of reverse natural selection. Successful, intelligent people have children late in life due to so many years of school and commitment to careers, while morons of the lower echelon are breeding like rabbits. Nothing points this out better than the intro to a very stupid, but underrated comedy with Luke Wilson, Idiocracy.

This Girl Wouldn't Even Make It to Hollywood on American Idol.

Not only does this annoying broad look like a Hobbit, but she sounds like a gremlin when they've been fed after midnight. I'm actually convinced William Hung is a better singer than Orangeblossom Bunce of Brockenborings (This is her Hobbit name and you can generate your own here).

http://chriswetherell.com/hobbit/

I'm treading on thin ice here, but like always, what the hell.

So, to set the stage for this, I received an email from my friend Miller today and it read,

"Trey,

If I am to pass away unexpectedly, rather than wearing suits to my funeral I would prefer everyone wear the compulsory “commemorative clothing” fancied by the people in the link below."

I don't even think I can add to this...except for the fact that these "exceptional, stand up young men" stole the paddle boats in the middle of the night. Oh and also, despite the fact that the boats were stolen (illegal), before the bodies were in the ground the mother filed a wrongful death lawsuit against the camp. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!?! Tort Reform anyone? http://www.atra.org/

Here's the article, posted on the chicagobreakingnews.com.

The gathering of family, friends and classmates filled the seats inside Corbin Colonial Funeral Chapel, 5345 W. Madison St., and spilled into the lobby. Some wore clothing bearing the word "Royalty" -- a nickname for Adrian.

Speakers remembered the 16-year-old as a smart, caring person who valued family and friends. One of 12 siblings, the North Lawndale teen was a disciplined straight-A student and a junior lifeguard.

Longtime friend Michael Scott Jr. said Jones had talked of becoming a marine biologist.

"Growing up in North Lawndale, there aren't many young men who want to be marine biologists -- and have the ability to do it," Scott said.

Others who spoke during the funeral called on the young people there to honor Jones by getting a good education.

Jones and two of his classmates, Melvin Choice III, 17, and Jimmy Avant, 18, drowned last Friday in the river in Algonquin after sneaking out of a camp lodge and dragging paddle boats into the frigid, swift-moving water in the early-morning hours.

They didn't realize the boat's bottom plug had been removed for the winter. The boat, carrying two of the boys, rapidly filled with water and the boys went under.

A third boy jumped in the water and tried to rescue them. He, too, died.

The three were among 31 students from North Lawndale College Prep on the West Side who were on the last day of an eight-day ethical leadership retreat at Camp Algonquin.

Choice's mother, Virginia, filed a lawsuit in Cook County Circuit Court earlier this week asserting the school, the camp and the retreat organizer failed to secure the paddle boats or warn that the plugs on the bottom of the boats had been removed.

Named defendants were VisionQuest International, the Atlanta-based organization that organized the retreat; YMCA of McHenry County, which runs Camp Algonquin; and North Lawndale College Prep.

Funerals for Avant and Choice will be held Saturday.

-- Steve Schmadeke

Methuselah filibusters...

I don't know what the details of this speech are, whether it's a rant against dog fighting, or if it's some sort of filibuster; nonetheless, if this kind of indecipherable, abstract jibberish is commonplace in the Senate, influencing legislation, maybe I should run for Senate. When I get really drunk, I say stupid shit like this too.

Thanks again Boss.

Christy Lane or Megan Fox...gotta go Christy

Now we all know, well maybe not all, but most know I have a lot of free time since I'm on welfare. With government assistance comes many things but frivilous and disposable wealth typically isn't on that list (cough) Change 08, but I will personally give $2.61 to each person that orders this CD and doesn't have chronic halitosis, orthopedic shoes, walker with tennis balls, terrible lettuce, or a recent Bingo winning card from the local VFW. If you're still going to the toilet to relieve yourself and you bought this, I OFFICIALLY hate and want to kill you. That's not a euphemism.

103 years later, he's right...i guess...if you say so.

After 103 years of furious scribbling while trying to prove Einstein's theory of "special relativity," a handful of world renowned physicists from France, Germany, and Austria, with some help from the world's most elite computational supercomputers, have finally proven E=MC^2. I just reread that sentence and I'm lost. What the f&%* is a computational supercomputer? How does it take modern day scientists with supercomputer help 103 years to prove something a highschool dropout with hippie hair did for fun. If I were Albert Einstein, I would've probably killed myself because can you imagine how stupid he thought people were. Common everyday activities like proving Thurston's geometrization conjecture...I mean...like going to dinner with friends must have been torture.

Here is an excerpt from Wikipedia on his childhood. I bet he never got picked on, or shoved in a locker, or been given a wedgie, or got his books knocked out of his hands, or thumped in the ear....wait, what...that didn't happen to me?!?!?!

"In 1889, family friend Max Talmud, a medical student,[9] introduced the ten-year-old Einstein to key science, mathematics, and philosophy texts, including Kant's Critique of Pure Reason and Euclid's Elements (Einstein called it the "holy little geometry book").[9] From Euclid, Einstein began to understand deductive reasoning, and by the age of twelve, he had learned Euclidean geometry. Soon thereafter he began to investigate infinitesimal calculus."

Did that just say he mastered Geometry at 12 and moved on to infinisstitntkhdkmal calqueless? Holy Shit!

here's the article, if you dorks are interested.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20081120/sc_afp/sciencephysicseinstein_081120235605#full

**In my obvious excitement and haste, I forgot to send my shout out and I melevolently still didn't remember, but that's would my readers do...they remind me of their greatness.**

Thanks Boss...my apologies. You too, Whit, for the rapper article.

Biggie Small and JUNIOR MAFIA some mark @$$ *itches...

In an article circulated by the Associated Press, the heights of human stupidity are once again surpassed...the culprit you ask...a rapper from Dublin, GA.

"He shot a man twice and felt so good about it, police say, a Georgia rapper wrote a song describing the shooting and calling out the victim by name.

A judge sentenced 25-year-old Rico Todriquez Wright of Dublin on Monday to spend the next 20 years in prison after his victim mentioned the hip-hop confession to police.

Chad Blue, 28, told police he had known Wright before the September 2006 shooting but they weren’t friendly. He testified companions egged Wright on as he chased and shot his victim in the thigh and groin. Later, Blue told police he recognized Wright’s voice on a CD, rapping “Chad Blue knows how I shoot.

Wright was sentenced to 20 years for two counts of aggravated assault. He will spend another 20 years on probation."

I have been sitting here trying to come up with something clever that I could relate to this level of idiocy, but much to my dismay, I think this is the single most stupid thing ever accomplished by human being. In fact, watching chimpanzees drink their own pee makes more sense to me than this story.

Thanks Whit...best story of the year thus far.

America keeps underwhelming me...

I'm not naive enough, nor blinded by partisan lines, to believe that conducting this interview in a rural conservative area, you wouldn't find the same ignorance, but this is incredible. The level of knowledge the average voter takes to the polling place is scary. Again, I hope to God that Obama leads this country into a promising future, but it does scare me when people like this are voting for him. Instead of calling poison control, watch the whole video in place of epicac syrup.

Stupid Oregon Woman in Desparate Need of Federal Bail Out Money...and Frontal Lobotomy.

Thank Jesus I read this story when I did. I was up late last night mortgaging everything and was on my way to wire the money to Nigeria when I stumbled across this story. God works in mysterious ways...that's for sure!!! Surely there must be some kind of misunderstanding. This can't be a scam. My relative in Nigeria needs only a little money in order to get back on his feet and he's gonna send me 20.5 million back in return of my good faith.

People this stupid should be stripped of their citizenship, their right to vote, drive an automobile, and be forced to spend the rest of their days in Guantamamo Bay harvesting tobacco which their forced to smoke. Let's face it, if this person is a nurse administrator and CPR teacher, I would rather die on the side of the road trying to start my own life saving IV's and administering CPR on myself, than be taken to her hospital.

**The picture isn't her, but I bet it looks like her, only skinnier.**


*Courtesy of Foxnews*
SWEET HOME, Ore. —

An Oregon woman who is out $400,000 after falling for a well-known Internet scam says she wasn't a sucker or an easy mark.

Janella Spears of Sweet Home says she simply became curious when she received an e-mail promising her $20.5 million if she would only help out a long-lost relative identified as J.B. Spears with a little money up front.

Spears told KATU-TV about the scammers' ability to identify her relative by name was persuasive.

"That's what got me to believe it," She said. "So, why wouldn't you send over $100?"

Spears, who is a nursing administrator and CPR teacher, said she mortgaged the house and took a lien out on the family car, and ran through her husband's retirement account.

"The retirement he was dreaming of — cruising and going around and seeing America — is pretty much gone for him right now," she said.

She estimates it will take two years to clear the debt that accumulated in the more than two years she spent sending money to con artists.

Her family and bank officials told her it was all a scam, she said, and begged her to stop, but she persisted because she became obsessed with getting paid.

The scheme is often called the "Nigerian scam" and it's familiar to many people with e-mail accounts. It still exists and it still works.

Spears first sent $100 through an untraceable wire service as directed by the scammers. Then, more multimillion dollar promises followed so long as she sent more money.

The scammers sent Spears official-looking documents and certificates from the Bank of Nigeria and the United Nations. President Bush and FBI Director Robert Mueller were also involved, the e-mails said, and needed her help.

They sent official-looking documents and certificates from the Bank of Nigeria and even from the United Nations, saying her payment was "guaranteed."

But it wasn't and now Spears is paying the price for her costly lesson.

"The hope is [other people] are not going to fall as hard as I fell," Spears said.

Magic Johnson just gained thirty more pounds...I just ordered a tanning bed.

Apparently scientists have given the middle finger to the AIDS virus and skin cancer as apparently both have had revolutionary breakthroughs over the past few weeks.

A scientist in Berlin, has cured a man infected with the AIDS virus for more than a decade by giving him a targeted bone marrow transplant. He's been clear of the disease for 20months. Although many scientits still have doubts about the validity of this incident and their ability to replecate the results, it's encouraging for promiscuous hollywood starlets and IV drug users everywhere.

Scientist in Australia, the mecca for melanoma and other forms of skin cancer per capita, have been working on a vaccination for skin cancer. It has been successful in animal trials and is expected to be moved in human testing within the year. The vaccine would work against squamous cell carcinoma, but not against melanoma. The vaccine works by targeting HPV Human Papilloma Virus, which is thought to be responsible for 5% of all cancers. In a related story, HPV is responsible for 100% of the aforementioned starlets' genital warts.

Does anyone else see the obvious problem with this product...

If you're like me, you know what it's like to be kept up late battling your unrellenting insomnia by watching hours upon hours of mindless infomercials. Well, this is one that has hit the proverbial Grandslam of informercial production value. I was unsure of whether ot order this product, but when the three hot girls are standing 20 feet away at the party and say, "Isn't he cute...he just moved into the building." Yeah because everytime I pick up a trio of modelesque girls, it never fails, I'm wearing a supplemental auditory device 7 times larger than the largest Bluetooth, which we all know...has only gotten people unlaid.

Is anyone dumb enough to believe that every sound in a room isn't magnified to a level that will just be jibberish. Daily, I am shocked to see how stupid people spend their money. Long live Schadenfreude!

Acne Medications, Sea Donkeys, and Trust Funds Gather This Saturday...

Yale Bulldogs will make the trip down to Cambridge this weekend in a display of how rich white guys can run between the tackles, display horrendous athleticism, and have the second most Asians in a football stadium unless MIT and Cal Tech field a team next year. Due to the large number of students getting alcohol poisoning within the Ivy League, Havard and Yale officials agree to break up any tailgates partying past halftime. This just in, while I created this post, almost in unison, every memeber of fraternities in the SEC just turned up their Crown Royal and Coke and then sent all their resumes to IVY graduates.

**ANNOUNCEMENT**
In lieu of crowning the Homecoming Queen, the Harvard Finance Club will meet at halftime on the fifty yard line to discuss the Wicksellian Monetary Theory and it's importance in streamlining and regulating importation and trade.

Despite My Cantankerous View Toward a Bailout, This is Eye Opening.

My problem with this whole bailout proposal is the American Auto makers' approach to car manufacturing since the Japanese explosion of the late 70's and early 80's. Year after year sales revenues were in drastic decline, but American car makers weren't addressing the problems. American cars have fallen behind in fuel efficiency, safety, design, and thus popularity. They have continued to ask premium prices for generic quality. "The Big Three" have no one to blame but themselves. I feel for the hundreds of thousands of Americans that gave their blood, their sweat, and some, their lives for a pension that they thought would be secure. I can't imagine going to an assembly line and sweating for 25 years. These are the people that built this great nation one car at a time. American car makers should be held accountable. They need a drastic overhaul in their design and their distribution processes. The AIG bailout has shown American taxpayers that these corperations don't value our money. The iniquitous approach in which these executives execute their businesses has already been proven inefffective. Let's remember, they're coming to us for help. The car manufacturers are no different. Why should billions of hard to earn tax dollars go to bail out car makers that have been and will continue to give American consumers substandard quality and safety compared to their oversees competitors. They have ignored the needs of the American consumer for 25 years and there needs to be changes. My father worked on the assembly line at GM in the late 60's and early 70's. Cars were built to stand the test of time. They were big and full of muscle, but times have changed and their business model did not. I'm convinved people will buy American made vehicles, but they will not buy cars for equal value that exhibit substandard quality and reliability.



Albeit Michael Keaton, this is art imitating life.

Hell Freezes Over, Pelosi Has Multiple Orgasm

Drudge is reporting tonight that Hillary has accepted Obama's offer for Sec of State. This comes as a shock to me because I was almost sure Hillary Clinton was still locked in the bathroom cutting herself. I guess she and Bill decided a Cabinet position would increase her chances for a run in 2012 as opposed to staying in the Senate.

Would you rather:

Hillary Clinton or Madeline Albright

Jerry Yang steps down, board says YAHOO!

Jerry Yang, Co-Founder and CEO of Yahoo, stepped down after a short and obdurate tenure as CEO. He only cost shareholders somewhere in the neighborhood of 285 Centillion dollars(real number 303 zeros). The move was urged by large shareholders that want to punch him in the face for turning down the Microsoft offer of 44.6 Billion or 31.50/share. Since then the stock has fallen to around 8.00. One would think Yang is on many people's list of people to kill.

1. Oprah
2. Satan
3. David Hasselhoff
4. Sean Hannity and Bill Maher (same person) just opposite poles.

5. Jerry Yang.

Titsworth Kisses Guy....Could This Get Any Better?

There are so many gems of commentary in this video. Thank you Brad.

"Our crack production team has the Titsworth kiss."
"You do not kiss a fighter. 1 point...2 points...intentional."
"We will see the curse of the Titsworth kiss."
"Vargas did not like being kissed."
"Which prompted Vargas to knock the living shit out of em..."
"A lot of guys will do that when you kiss em."
"Although kissing has been ruled out, Titsworth shows he can still hug."
"A name like Titsworth, he's lucky he didn't feel him up."

Seriously, this video is beyond description. Just watch and listen like five times.....it gets better every time. Trust me.

Secretly Victoria and God Plan My Untimely Demise...

If I were to be within 300 miles of this location when this photo was taken, I'm more than 100% sure I would spontaneously combust and be featured on an episode of unsolved mysteries. The guy with the creepy voice would say something like, "And out of nowhere, Trey burst into flames. Scientists have no explanation."

**Foot Note**
Speaking of flames, the guy with his back turned in the picture....well isn't it obvious?

Human stupidity reaches epic low...

The only way this invention could be outdone would be if some hairy caveman created the wheel and fire in the same day. Even then, he would probably grunt like three times, gnaw on some sort of meat on a bone, and wish he had thought of this masterpiece sooner. This is simply a revolutionary mode of transportation. Move over car. Move over bike. Move over Segway. It's the...well...it's...kind of...you know it's a...