It must be awesome to be high on Charlie Sheen.

I've tried to abstain from this self absorbed, bi-polar, paranoid schizophrenic, but honestly, it's simply too good to ignore any longer. Just when you think a house full of cocaine and porn stars costing him his job would be enough to scare him into recovery, think again. Instead, Charlie took the other route which consisted of doing more than a tractor trailer full of blow, scheduling an interview on a national television show, while being completely incoherent and bat-shit crazy.

Sheen said that he’s bored now with cocaine. But he said he “exposed people to magic” when they partied with him and that he loved doing drugs.
“What’s not to love?” he said on ABC. “Especially when you see how I party. It was epic. The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards just look like droopy-eyed armless children.”
“I am on a drug,” Sheen said. “It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”


Your. face. will. melt. off. and. your. children. will. weep. over. your. exploded. body.

Drink that in for a minute. Still conscious? Now, tell me...what in the hell does it mean? This man gave up 1.8 million dollars an episode for Columbian blow and skanks that bang on camera for money. I don't know about you guys, but in this perilous economic time, I'm pretty sure 1.8 million per episode is pretty good for reading lines someone else has written while portraying a character based on your life of excess and poor decisions.

After I heard about this interview thios morning, I was praying that CBS would just tell his dumb ass, "Good Riddance." My prayers were answered because today, thanks Jesus, a rumor is swirling around Hollywood that CBS is talking to John Stamos to possibly replace Charlie Sheen on Two and Half Men as newly introduced character. Instead of a meth toothed narcissist, America gets a supermodel slaying playboy. I don't know if there's ever been a drug habit as public or as bad as this one. If the Vegas over/under for Charlie Sheen living three more months, I'd be blown away...no pun intended.

I hate Chris Brown more than the Taliban.

Rihanna is hotter than Dante's Nine Circles of Hell. Chris Brown is an alleged bi-curious, definite girl beating little b%#$*. The first photos of Rihanna released that night showed some visible marks on her face, but really, for the most part, Tina Turner would have snickered a little. Well today that changed. The photos released today painted a much different story. One that could have easily painted a bleak and life threatening scenario for Rihanna. I've said this before, but let me reiterate. If I could get one hour to kick the shit out of anyone on Earth, besides Bin Laden of course, it would be this little punk. He has stars tattooed behind his ear. WOW...Chris, you're so scary, so masculine. You hit any girl, you're a pathetic excuse for a man, but if you hit this rocket dripping of pure sex appeal, you're begging for me to kick the shit out of you.

John, lose the rug bro.

John Travolta is a Hollywood enigma. Like cats and Elton John's Tiny Dancer, he's had two lives in Hollywood. You see, Tiny Dancer saw its first success on John's fourth album, Madman Across the Water. Then, when everyone least expected it, Tiny Dancer arose from the ashes in Cameron Crowe's quirky and endearing 2000 film, Almost Famous. That's Travolta in a nutshell. In Grease, he was a gay guy, before gay of sorts, that got chicks. Then after years of grease royalties and a failing career, and a couple of unfortunate Look Who's Talking's, Tarantino saved him in Pulp Fiction. None of this is relavent to this picture, but it's fun to bring flamboyant gay singers like Elton John full circle to flamboyant gay singers like John Travolta.

If you've seen this guy or this guy, please call the authorities.

America is so racist. I'm not sure what message this news cast is sending, but I can bet you if their suspect had been white, they wouldn't have posted two pictures of the same guy. This poor guy...it's bad enough you're wanted for a crime, but worse when you're two guys wanted for a crime.

Russell Brand and Jordan Knight are totally brothers...

If Jordan Knight started a diet of bacon and Baby Ruth milkshakes and Russell Brand stopped shooting up black tar heroin they could be identical twins. It's uncanny how much these two look alike. In a related story, Katy Perry has huge cans.

Mila Kunis reminds me how much I loved Black Swan

Mila Kunis was cast in Black Swan without an audition. Instead, she and the director, Darren Aronofsky, Skyped for ten minutes and that was it. He said he had fallen for Kunis in Forgetting Sarah Marshall and knew instantly she would be a perfect fit. Yeah, no kidding. Mila Kunis is gorgeous. You could cast Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman in a movie where they both read the phone book for two hours while wearing Snuggies and it would be a hit. I'm not sure Darren Aronofsky is as much a genius as he is normal sexually charged heterosexual male with great taste in women. Wait, I think I can direct. Hollyweird, here I come!

Like threesomes, a supermodel talking football equals everyman's fantasy

Is there anything hotter than a rocket that knows sports? Often times, pretty girls pretend to know sports, but after a few minutes, you figure them out. They're like trannys in Thailand. On the exterior everything looks great, but upon further investigation, well, you know, things just aren't what they seem. With girls talking sports, it's usually when they call Tony Gonzalas a wide receiver, or they say the Steelers beat the Pats 14-28. I guess it's cute you're trying, but Gonzalas is a tight end and when you call out a score, you always say the winning team's score first. It's just how it's done. When you're as hot as Marisa Miller, you can can basically eat your offspring and it's ok. The fact that she's talking wild cards and quarterbacks makes her even hotter...if that's possible. Hey Marisa, I like the football. Call me.

My couch pulls out but I dont.

The last two weekends have been devoted to a girl I fell in love with when she played a precocious girl next door wooing Timothy Hutton in 1995's Beautiful Girls, one of my favorite movies of all time. This particular young beautiful actress has graduated into roles that range from strippers to alien queens to objects of Trey Yearwood's wild obsessions. Natalie Portman had asked for a few hours of my life and I gladly gave it to her...not that way perverts...this way, Black Swan and No Strings Attached. Black Swan revealed 3 things to me. One, Mila Kunis will make any man start the process of trying to order a bride from Ukraine. Two, Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis were electric. Three, and most importantly, Darren Aronofsky is a complete genius. Four, I know I promised three, Natalie Portman is carrying my baby. What? I speak Yiddish and I love Jewish Women.

Oh yeah, as for No Strings Attached, Natalie Portman is very good looking. Ashton Kutcher is...well...um...Natalie Portman is very good looking.

Chimps mourn the death of their young?

Scientists have discovered that chimpanzees mourn their dead infants just like humans.

But now scientists have filmed how one chimpanzee mother, whose 16-month-old infant died, apparently begins the grieving process.
It’s the latest evidence highlighting just how similar chimps and other great apes are to humans.

The ape continued to carry the body for more than 24 hours before tenderly laying on the ground. Then from a short distance she watched over her child.
Periodically she returns to the body and touches the face and neck with her fingers to establish it was dead. After carrying the infant's dead body for more than a day, the mother laid the body out on the ground in a clearing and repeatedly approached the body and held her fingers against the infant's face and neck for multiple seconds.

Chimps are human’s closest relatives in the wild. Like people, they can use tools, using sticks to fish out termites, hunt in teams and plan ahead. They are also one of the few animals that can recognise themselves in a mirror - and realise that they are looking at a reflection.

This is an amazing video. Whether or not it shows chimps mourning the death of their young, or simply just being morbidly curious, is really up in the air; however, it certainly looks like a mother grieving. I'm completely fascinated by evolutionary biology, mammals, and sexual evolution, so this is right up my alley.

Yummy

Princess, yes real Princess Olivia Wilde, is gorgeous. She's probably gonna be the new "it" girl. In fact, when she left House MD as the magnificent "13", so did I. Her face is so ridiculously perfect, it's kind of funny looking. It's like a big square that in some pictures, makes her look like a huge angular head on a tiny body. Agreed though, that's really splitting hairs. She has these piercing cat-like eyes that are so intense, especially in the bedroom, it's almost as if they'll steal your soul(cue music) Bow Chicka Wow Wow. These pictures should only be looked at if you have a lot of experience looking at and admiring beautiful women, because, I'm telling you, these can really escalate a situation quickly...thanks, Mr. Burgundy.

White cotton, check. Blood, check. Noooo, surely that's not the metaphor she was going for...

Lady GaGa is exactly what she strives to be, an enigma. I mean, I guess she's talented, but her over-the-top antics seem too contrived. After a while, they become originality's antagonist and it gets annoying. At first, especially before Alexander McQueen decided to check himself out, her costumes built her mystique. Then he hung himself, she tried to continue, unsuccessfully might I add, and it simply hasn't been the same(see meat dress). I find her music hit or miss. She can sing without a doubt. When I'm with my gay friends in the club it's awesome, but then again, so is Cher, since that's the only two artists ever played. I don't know, I just think she's kind of fading into sad reality of every pop star's worst nightmare, apathy and anonymity. Speaking of apathy, I don't really care either way what happens to her career, but I can't imagine paying the exorbiant prices she asks for her concert tickets while she goes on stage dressed as a menstrual cycle.

Hershey’s makes millions of Kisses each day. I’m just asking for one.

Christina Hendricks will light a red carpet on fire. When I say light on fire, I mean people will self immulate just so they don't look directly into the eyes of the beast. Someone once told me this girl was like, "1950's voluptuous pretty." So, based on that sentence, I deduce that in the 50's men liked women that looked like hideous sea donkey hybrids of sterility and eminent death, or just red heads that can cripple all-you-can-eat buffets. Either way, I'm so glad me and my penis didn't grow up in the 50's cause we would've been so pissed. In the words of Jackie Martling, this chick is a two bagger. One bag on her head and one on mine in case hers falls off. If this can be a sex symbol in Hollywood, that town is even more pathetic than I thought.

Feel dirty, need bath, don't care.

I think Vanessa Hudgens is like 16, but hopefully for me, and my criminal record, she's 20, cause she's absolutely on fire. She was wisely picked to be the spokeperson for Candies shoes and without equivocation, I can say the person responsible for that move is the smartest person in the world. She's hotter than 7 hells. The fact that zac Efron, the poster boy for sexual ambiguity and effeminacy, has landed this rocket ship, makes me want to fly to Los Angeles and put him to sleep. The only thing that little shit has contributed to society is somehow talking her into sending naked camera phone pics and then uploading them to the internet. Geez...I love the information age! Lucky me!

Katie Couric is so irrevlevant.

Katie Couric came under fire this month for suggesting a Muslim version of 'The Cosby Show' would go a long way in fixing America's ignorance about the Islamic faith.

"Maybe we need a Muslim version of 'The Cosby Show' ... I know that sounds crazy," Couric said on a web version of her show, while discussing the major stories from 2010. "But 'The Cosby Show' did so much to change attitudes about African-Americans in this country, and I think sometimes people are afraid of things they don't understand."

Critics were quick to call Couric's well-intentioned remarks simplistic and "bird-brained."

But Muslim and Arab writers, directors and actors say they see Couric's remarks as a stepping stone to tolerance and say the CBS news anchor gave them a platform they wouldn't have otherwise had to express their desire for more positive Muslim portrayals on scripted television.

Guys, listen, this is America. It's the most tolerant, accepting and rewarding nation in the history of mankind. In the 1970's, when interracial relationships weren't exactly mainstream, we had the Jeffersons. In the 80's, The Cosby's brought us into their living room. Regardless, neither of those shows made us understand African-American culture anymore than Roots explains the incomprehensive atrocities of slavery or Saving Private Ryan reveals the perils of war. That's ignorant beyond comprehension. We don't give a shit if you have a television show. You know what we care about? We care when zealots, in the name of your peaceful god, fly planes into buildings killing thousands of innocent civilians while you cheer in the streets. We also care when you walk into airports and explode yourself, killing 40 innocent travelers. It's also not very endearing when you behead innocent journalists because, as you claim, they're infidels, and then post it to your TV network. We don't have a problem with Islam. We have problems with members of the Islamic faith that don't publicly denounce the actions of insane homicidal/suicidal zealots. Katie Couric, shut the hell up. No one wants to hear your stupid liberalism, nor do we wanna see your colon on national television. Actually, based on your ratings, no one wants to see you at all.

Wait...what tha.

I think it was just this week I was writing about how hot Rihanna is and how she tortures me with her sexiness. Because of that, I refuse to believe that this is her. In fact, right now, I'll bet 100 bucks this isn't Rihanna, but Cousin IT from the Adams' Family. What is it about famous people that they can't continue looking normal and beautiful. Celebrities are worthless.

You sure are purty.

If this woke me up at any point in my life, I would sear I was in Heaven. I don't know if I've ever seen anything more physically beautiful...except that one time I saw a midget dressed as a cowboy brushing a miniature horse mane and shooting a cap gun at passing cars. Now that was glorious. It was like a hat trick of fantasy and perfection. Who wouldn't recall a rare and vivid memory like that. I do love a good miniature horse. The juxtaposition of being wildly useless and completely necessary is riveting to me. Wanna know something else riveting...Heidi Klum. See how I went full circle. I'm like the Rain Man of Blogspots.

Tommy likey....

Kate bekinsale is 37 years old and has a daughter. I find it troubling when women with children, magnets on their cars, or those stupid flip flops with all their names, and most importantly, a cup full of misery, tell other women that haven't given birth, how "hard" or "impossible" it is to lose or how "fat" they're gonna get after having babies or how "skinny" they were until they had kids. Odds are, you weren't that skinny. Second, you haven't gotten your body back because, like having sex with your husband, it's not important to you. Is there as much time, nope. Is it harder, yep. Are there days when you want to throw in the towel, of course. Supermodels aren't alien species that instantly rebound from childbirth. The reason they rebound is because they care what they look like. They get paid for it. Sure, they have chefs, easy lives etc. That's not my point though. It just takes giving a crap. ahh...whatever...this is pointles. Besides offending every woman too lazy to work out, the point of this blog was to talk about how insanely hot Kate Beckinsale still is at 37 with a kid. Granted, she does smoke fags like a freight train so that probably helps. Oh well, i don't have a clue where this is going anymore...and look, I've got a bowl of Moose Tracks Ice Cream to eat. Yummy in my tummy!

This is your face...this is your face on Botox.

Is this organism a human being? I'm not joking. I can't be sure. What is she like 24? Jesus, do you need to freeze your face with Botulinum Toxin that early? I can see why Nicole Kidman looks like the frozen grandparents in Weird Science, but Megan Fox? What the hell has she done to herself? It just looks creepy. Her neck is so long. Is she a Kayan Lahwi woman that wears those creepy rings that extend the neck? I'm so confused by the fascination with this girl. It's no secret that she sucks to me, so with this stupid look, it just vendicates my contempt. You know what else sucks...this post. I just wasted 8 minutes of my life creating this P.O.S. of a blog post. NEXT!

Anniston would sell her soul to subtract 10 years.

Could there be a person on Earth more desperate than Jennifer Anniston? Seriously. She makes Jessica Simpson seem grounded and lucky in love. In like a year, when she's 59, she'll still be posing as an 8 year old for photos in magazines while yearning for the attention of the men folk. Can you say daddy issues...and by daddy, I mean, "Brad, why do you keep changing your number?" Are you kidding me with these pictures? Despite her dried up and dusty vacuumed womb, she rolls on a bed with a stuffed animal. Not to mention, the picture is so airbrushed, it hardly looks like her. This may as well be Betty White. After all, at least Betty White is talented, funny and lucid, not insufferable, miserable and dilusional. I can't put my finger on why I loathe her so much, but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with a personality completely void of humility, graciousness and charisma.

Xtina is on the Jessica Simpson diet

Ok...WTF happened to my genie in the bottle? Was the bottle Crisco oil? Was it not like two years ago when Xtina was a slender sexpot with the voice of an angel. What hasn't she been eating. Holy crap. I bet her blood type is Rocky Road. Even her vocal chords are fat. Usually girls get divorced, lose weight and get implants...not Xtina. I think she ate her prenup because you know that thing was rich. God knows I haven't seen that dreadful movie Burlesque, but no one else has either. The few clips I have seen though, show a more than slightly thick Christina doing risque chair dancing. Who told her we want to see that. We don't didn't. Come on Stina, get it together.