Playboy is on the pulse of the American male.

Drug makeover 2.0




Playboy has announced, typically for them, about four years after no one cares anymore, that Lindsay Lohan will pose nude for the dying, decrepid magazine. I'm not sure what guy would want to see Lindsay Lohan nude because that guy is most certainly not this guy. The rumor is, "She has spent three days posing for photgraphers and will leave nothing to the imagination." No shit. She's been doing that for anyone that has booze or cocaine for about four years now. She would get naked for a pack of Fun Dip or a Pixie Stick at this point. If you're some weirdo that would want to look at a vagina that resembled ground turkey with leprosy wounds, this issue of Playboy will be a consumer staple for you. I think I'll pass.

Proof Playboy Magazine and Hugh Hefner are barely hanging on to life...

Heidi Montag, as reported by People Magazine, will be featured in the Sept. issue of Playboy Magazine.

Great.

I hope Heidi and her girlfriend Spencer are forced to go around buying these magazines with their money just to get them off the Shelves. Unless you like girls with chicklet horse teeth and terrible breasts, I would cancel my subscription before September.

The most annoying, confusing, non-celebrity in the world is this chick. I've been trying for at least a year and a half to figure out the point of her existence, but it just seems her earthly purpose is as elusive and absent as her pride. This media whore will do and I'm sure has done anything for even the faintest brush with fame. I absolutely despise Al Gore for inventing the internet because I'm forced to know people like this. You know this girl hates herself to the most inner core. She looked half way decent, but because she looked in the mirror and cut herself daily until she felt better, she had to get plastic surgery to fix all of the mistakes God made. Well, you got plastic surgery alright. Her doctor should have his/her license revoked. I could've done a better rhinoplasty and breast enhancement with a bungee cord, hot glue gun, legos and play-doh. She got butchered. It pains me to say it, but she was actually attractive before. Now she looks like Gary Busey with canteloupes. Why do dentists always give you teeth that could cut through a jewelry safe? Nothing about cosmetic surgery is natural. I wonder if L.A. is trying to create that as a status symbol.

LA Girl 1: Ewww gross. Look at that bitch...her dad's so poor, she can't even afford a rhino or boobs.

LA girl 2: OMG! I know right! Like I'm on my third set of boobs. Oh you know what? Daddy told me to go pick out a car for my Super Sweet 13 party. Jonas Bros are playing.

LA Girl 1: OMG!!! Are you serious? That'll be like so fun.

I'm actually starting to question the intelligence of men. Magazines like Playboy and Maxim print issue after issue with boat loads of ads, yet contain not one ounce of entertainment, relevance, or creativity. Subscritions are waaaaay down for both. Seriously, unless you're in high school, are President of the Warcraft Secret Society Georgia Tech Chapter, or leverage your time between dungeons and dragons and PS3, you don't subscribe to these abhorrent magazines. Nothing is cool about Maxim. Nothing is cool about Hugh Hefner. Nothing. In fact, I think he might have died in 1995 and they just keep propping him up at parties like Weekend at Bernie's.

Olivia Wilde...she got my vote.

To say that *GASP* magazines, which btw are so 20th century, like Maxim and Playboy are pointless and irrelevant, would be like saying Lindsay Lohan is a string bean coke head. In like 20 years, people will pick up words printed on paper and they will repsond like those two kids playing OUTLAW did on Back to the Future II. "Aww...you gotta use your hands." Anyway, Maxim is the dumbest idea ever invented. Imagine the guy that invented Maxim sitting around thiking of the next genius idea. He's thinking, he's thinking, and BAM!!! Playboy, but with more clothes!!!! BRILLIANT!!!! Well, albeit the magazines days are numbered, they finally got their MAXIM TOP 100 right this year...well almost right. Here's the top 10.

1. Olivia Wilde
2. Megan Fox
3. Bar Refaeli **
4. Malin Akerman
5. Mila Kunis
6. Eliza Dusku *
7. Adriana Lima
8. Rihanna
9. Jordana Brewster *
10. Jennifer Love Hewitt **********

* Denotes WTF
** Denotes Trey's WTF
********** Denotes Jennifer Love Hewitt

Sure, fairy...if you say so.

Kenny Chesney spoke to Playboy magazine(hold on)hahahahahahahahahahah...ok I'm back, about all the women he's bedded. This sounds so ridiculous I can hardly think of anything to write, but here goes,

"Man, I was over 100 several years ago. There were years when I had a better summer than A-Rod, buddy. You know? I got on the boards quite often."

Puhlease...I have so many problems with this guy, I can't even count them. I guess his music is okay, but he's he basically surged to popularity by ripping off Jimmy Buffet. He's the biggest poser in the entertainment industry. And dude, we know your list isn't 100...at least for girls. I would conceed 20 because you probably racked up that many trying to convince yourself you're straight. You're not. Not even close. Straight people don't wear tank tops and puka shells. Gays do. It's a fact. I verified it in the archives of Advocate magazine. Also, typically, when you marry and divorce within 16 seconds, your ex-wife doesn't list "fraud" as the reason for it all falling apart.

I would rather take a paintball gun to the testes.

The (probably) self-proclaimed, Bikini Girl, from American Idol was dismissed from the show last week...thank God. Well, unfortunately, we haven't seen the last of this attention starved, daddy issues, skank. In an interview with Access Hollywood, bikini girl reveals she has been contacted by Playboy:

"[I've had] a lot of different offers, like Vegas promotion offers. Of course Playboy has called," Darrell said Thursday in an interview with Access Hollywood's Tony Potts.

But it sounds like Darrell is starting to think twice about marketing herself as a sex object.

"I wouldn't say no, but at the same time I don't want to stunt my career by jumping into that too soon and be labeled once again, as 'just a body.' But I don't knock it," she said.

Just a body? Surely the writer that documented that quote left out, "just a body of a 13 year old." If you're either on one of those list from the state that make it hard to go to Chuck E Cheese or playgrounds, been a guest star on Dateline to Catch a Predator, or bare a striking striking resemblence to Nix's friend caught in Cape Coral with the blow up dolls, then this girl is perfect for you. She looks like a underdeveloped 12 year old with pebble teeth that's been hit in the face with a boat paddle. Hugh Hefner certainly has dementia. She would have a much better chance of success on amazingacups.com. My nephew, Eli, is like 13 and he's out of this girl's league.