Tuesday, September 29, 2009

This is all the ammunition you need to hate Hollywood



Actors and actresses from Harrison Ford to Debra Winger have reportedly joined the growing throng of liberal celebrities calling for Polanski to be released following his arrest in Switzerland last week.

Studio kingpin Harvey Weinstein says he is leading the charge and "e-mailing everybody I know" to push for the swift release of his friend, whom he calls a "humanist" who has been the victim of a gross "miscarriage of justice" for more than three decades.

Scores of American film icons from Woody Allen to Martin Scorsese have signed a petition demanding "the immediate release of Roman Polanski," saying they were "dismayed" by his arrest.


Roman Polanski was 44 years old when he raped, YES RAPED, a 13 year old little girl. I don't care if this was consentual in nature. He was a person in power, a director, and someone that would be very impressionable on a child. He fed her quaaludes and champagne. He even had anal sex with this girl. She was 13 years old. People in Hollywood are calling him a humanist! Only in that God forsaken town could this happen. They gave this monster, this pedophile a standing ovation at the Oscars several years ago. What in the hell is wrong with these people? They're dismayed by his arrest? This coming from Woody Allen, a man that had a sexual relationship with and married his stepdaughter. I'll show you dismayed. If you drug, rape and sodomize my 13 year old daughter, I'm going to kill you. No border could protect you, Roman. You won't have to worry about Swiss extradition or movie making abroad. The only thing you'll have to worry about is judgement in front of your maker because you're days on this Earth would be numbered. Roman Polanski is a pedophile and a predator. I hope you burn. Hollywood is full of the sickest most out-of-touch individuals this world has to offer. My dream is to leave all these idiots competing in the job market. They aren't qualified to flip burgers.

"Oy vey iz mir!"





Learn a new sexy face, Emmy.


I'm not sure who this girl is, but I think she was in a movie or something. Regardless, I think she's really underrated. If Katherine Heigl and Kirstin Dunst can be movie stars, this chick is like Helen of Troy. Anyway, she announced that she and her husband are divorcing. This probably happened when she woke up one morning, rolled over and looked at him.

Then thought, I'm Emmy Rossum and I sleep with this? Then she tapped him on the shoulder to wake him.

"Honey, wake up. WAKE UP."
"What? What is it?"
"I'm hot. You're not. We're over. ok?"

People reports:

Siegel cites irreconcilable differences and seeks spousal support from Rossum, 23, according to the Sept. 25 filing in Los Angeles Superior Court. The couple had no children. Although no date of separation is listed on the divorce filing, a source says the pair split in August.

She's reportedly dating Counting Crows lead singer, Adam Duritz. This is essentially like a more talented Jewish equivalent to that ugly dude seen above. The amount of ass this dumpy guy has pulled rivals any dude in history. He looks like a walking double cheeseburger, yet he's dated Jennifer Aniston, Courtney Cox, Lara Flynn Boyle, Mary Louise Parker, Monica Potter, Samantha Mathis, Ivanka Trump, Winona Ryder, Teri Hatcher, Whitney Casey, Christina Applegate, Nicole Kidman, and Gwen Stefani. Yeah dude, I know. Holy crap were my words too. If having that stupid hair, which has to be fake and being Jewish lands you these, I'm converting.

What an amazing treat...



For those who haven't experienced Vortex in Atlanta GA, I offer you a challenge if you ever go. Served at both locations, Little Five Points and Midtown, the Double Coronary Bypass Burger is one of the most amazing guilty pleasures you'll ever experience. It's the best 13 dollars I've ever spent. Here it is:

One-half pound of sirloin with lettuce and onion, topped with 4 slices of American cheese, 5 strips of bacon, and 2 fried eggs. Probably because you wouldn't survive the whole ordeal, the mayo is thankfully served on the side. Instead of buns, however, The Double Coronary is served between TWO GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES.

I know that sounds intimidating, but after a night of drinking, or a day of drinking for that matter, nothing hits the spot like this American culinary masterpiece. Don't be too scared though because the last time I had one, I didn't eat for three weeks...true story.

In a related story, if you're overweight, I'm sure you don't know this, but drinking Diet Coke will NOT offset this massive caloric intake.

I bet she's eaten those dogs by now too...




Former Baywatch babe, Nicole Eggert, announced she'll be joining Celebrity Fit Club on VH1 this season. You may know Nicole from the 1992 movie, Blown Away, with Corey Haim. Corey Haim was never seen after that movie because I'm pretty sure she ate him. Someone needs to get to the bottom of this mystery because I really liked Corey Haim...especially when he played that kid on that show Different Strokes...wait, no, that was Gary Coleman. Nevermind.

Something tells me this might be a tough sell Mr President...



In the wake of the horrific and cowardly violence toward an honor student walking home from school on the soutside of Chicago, pitching the Olympics might be a tough one. Obama can sell Ketchup to a woman in a white suit, but this, well, I'm gonna say no thank you, sir. Actually, I can see it now:

"We're going live to the southside of Chicago where, apparently, six Kenyan marathon runners have just been murdered by gangs for no apparent reason whatsoever...it appears they were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Back to you Bob."

I don't know about you guys, but the 2016 Olympics in the Gaza Strip sounds safer than this place.

A little re-run to remind you that we're doomed.

Let me preface by saying that this movie is stupid. That said, it's brilliant. Just watch the intro and if you don't want to immediately order this movie online, you probably fall into the category that is reproducing like rabbits and ruining human civilization one teenage pregnancy at a time.

Monday, September 28, 2009

This evening I was watching the tele...







I'm not sure what it is about England, but they just seem to turn out hot women like Taliban turn out terrorists. These days, when I see a picture of a hot girl and I don't know who it is, I can almost assume she's British. Most of you don't even know these chicks because unlike me, in your free time, you're probably putting on your bowling team uniform or trading comic books. It's dripping sexuality like this that is responsible for the success of the human race. These girls make the X chromosome jealous. I bet right now, Megan Fox is sitting in her bed beside Brian Austin Green and her prison tattoo kit wishing she had a quarter of what these chicks have. Hey Megan, better luck next time. Btw, you really were terrific on SNL. Just kidding, it was painful to watch.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

It seems peace just isn't their thing...



Watching this video cracks me up. It's one thing that it's national Peace Day in Afghanistan, but it's another thing entirely when you've got Lennie from Of Mice and Men squeezing the life out of the dove before the release ceremony. Then the guy is either blind or stupid because after the head of the dove is slooped over in an obvious, "I'm dead" position, he decided to throw the bird up in the air for sh*ts and giggles. Call me crazy, but murdering peace doves on Peace Day doesn't send the message they intended...unless their message was, "We want peace, we want peace, OH I just killed you."

Hey Urban, you're an idiot.



I despise the gator football team more than you can imagine, but that said, I couldn't wish an injury, especially a head injury on a guy like Tebow. Why in the hell is Urban Meyer playing Tebow with a lead like that? Is it worth ruining a kid's potential career and your season just to pad some stats and collect another Heisman Trophy? Regardless of my hatred, I hope he's ok. Afterall, if by some miracle equivalent to Jesus healing the crippled, we beat UF in October, it just won't be the same without beating him.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Somebody call 911, Shawty fire burnin up my underpants, whoa!





Sdorry abmnout posrting these pix...For safrtey reeasons, I handcufgfed both my hnds to thhje bedd postsa and I'm tyoio0ping thids withmy tonguye. IN csase yiou dont knkow, Marisaa Miller is hottr thban fire. I wold fihgt a rabid Griuzzley bear wirth a pipe cleaner and and rubbr band for one sloww song couple's skate wiht her.

Despite how hard it is to believe, Hollywood actually sucks this bad...



X 2
Salary per movie

Renee Zellweger 10 Million
Drew Barrymore 12 Million
Nicole Kidman 12 Million
Reese Witherspoon 5 Million
Sandra Bullock 15 Million
Katherine Heigl 18 Million
Cameron Diaz 20 Million
Sarah Jessica Parker 23 Million
Jennifer Aniston 23 Million
Angelina Jolie 27 Million

This is the FOXNEWS top ten female earners in Hollywood. Only four of these chicks look better than your homecoming queen. Moreover, this is no joke, there's only two I would bang willingly. TWO...and that's even taking their money into consideration. The rest, i would have to be slipped a ruffie and hog tied with an HIV needle stuck to my skin. This is exactly how I know Hollywood is complete BS. You don't have to be pretty. You don't have to be talented. You either have to have someone famous to which you're married, or you apparently have to look like a bag of ass. Four of these chicks couldn't get laid by the 3rd chair Tuba player in your high school band. No kidding. Sarah Jessica Parker...I'm actually not even sure she's human. She looks like a mixture of death and herpes. I'd rather have sex with a meat grinder. Katherine Heigl...Holy Toledo, sex with an Amazonian Army Ant bed would be more enjoyable than that chain smoking gravel-donkey. To say that I hate Hollywood and everything it represents would be as understated as saying I hate Islamic terrorists or I hate complex carbohydrates. Hey Hollywood, suck it.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Sh*tter was full...



Quaid and his wife, Evi, were arrested Thursday afternoon in Marfa, Texas. A warrant for their arrest was issued Wednesday by the Santa Babara Police Department on charges of buglary because the duo reportedly skipped out on their hotel bill which was close to $10,000.
According to the Sheriff who handled the arrest, Quaid was verbally and physically abusive to the officers, while his wife had to be wrestled to the ground. So far no additional charges have been filed for resisting arrest.
To make matters worse for the Quaid version on Bonnie and Clyde, multiple hotels are coming forward with the same allegations.
The couple is currently out of jail on a $20,000 bond.

Nice job cousin Eddie. This is life imitating art, or something. When the pinnacle of your career is playing an inbred cousin on National Lampoon's Vacation series, you know it's just a matter of time before you're arrested for burglary, resisting arrest, defrauding an innkeeper, and conspiracy. That time has come it appears. Something tells me Quaid is one of those method actors, like Brando or Deniro, who stay in character 24/7. Jesus, is there one Hollywood actor that's not one fry short of a happy meal? If being famous does this to you, I want to live in complete and total anonymity.

Willie, sorry bro, but i think you know.



We're just a few weeks into my favorite time of the year. College football, thanks a little to ESPN, has exploded on a national scene. Now you've got games on TV nearly everyday of the week. Boise State, Utah, U. South FL, etc, are just a few of the breakout teams over the last few years. All of this expanding media coverage has made teams like these so much more competitive, while traditional powerhouse teams like Michigan and Notre Dame have suffered at the hands of athletic parity. Despite all of this though, college football in the south is as ridiculous as it's ever been. It seems like the only conference that doesn't suffer from the expanding national college football scene. The conference, like always, is loaded with superior athletes that are bigger faster and stronger than their competing conference counterparts. However, that's not why I write this piece. I write this to lament our defense. I watched the worst top 5 team ever hold the Gamecocks last night to 16 points. Our inept defensive coordinator gives up nearly a "fiddy spot." I'm so tired of our coach. You know, the coach we venerate so often. Well sometime Coach Richt, the guy that wins games is the guy that doesn't make excuses for poor coaching, or the guy that pisses people off and fires up his players on the sidelines. I can't stand Urban Meyer, but if we had two crystal trophies, I'd love him. I hate to make this sound like I detest Richt because I don't. I just need a little more swagger out of him. I need him to hold his coaching staff a little more accountable. What I need more is to hold a horrendous South Carolina team to under 25. What I need is for our turnover ratio to be better than -7. What I need is to look down at the sideline and see players fired up. I need that Richt that urges his players to storm the end zone in Jax two years ago...Not the coach that gives up 50-something and looks terrified. If you're not going to call offensive or defensive plays, at least be a figure head. Be a confident guy with a little swagger that motivates the hell out of his team. be the guy that hires good coaches and puts their foot to the fires. Until then, I won't be buying tickets at Sanford Stadium.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Is this Berlin 1941?

This was filmed around June 19, 2009 at the B. Bernice Young Elementary School in Burlington, NJ. If this doesn't scare you enough to pee your pants, you're not only a moron, but a socialist. This looks like the propaganda videos from WW2 Germany. "He said we must all lend a hand to make this country strong again," "He said we must lend a hand, to make sure everyone gets a chance." Are you freaking kidding me? Everyone has a chance. It's called work and education. This song is blatant evidence of indoctrination of our young children. It's simply forcing them to buy into an ideology that unless everyone shares wealth and responsibility, we can't survive. You know, I studied that once. It's called Communism. Piss off. This is America. I'm tired of you, Mr. President, going to foreign soil and apologizing for our country. I'm tired of you forcing ideologies down our throats that we don't want. Enjoy the next three years cause you don't stand a chance for re-election. I just hope it's not too late by then.



Mmm, mmm, mm!

Barack Hussein Obama
He said that all must lend a hand [?]
To make this country strong again
Mmm, mmm, mm!

Barack Hussein Obama
He said we must be clear today
Equal work means equal pay
Mmm, mmm, mm!

Barack Hussein Obama
He said that we must take a stand
To make sure everyone gets a chance
Mmm, mmm, mm!

Barack Hussein Obama
He said Red, Yellow, Black or White
All are equal in his sight
Mmm, mmm, mm!

Barack Hussein Obama
Yes
Mmm, mmm, mm!

Barack Hussein Obama

segue to

Hello, Mr. President we honor you today!
For all your great accomplishments, we all [do? doth??] say "hooray!"
Hooray Mr. President! You're number one!
The first Black American to lead this great na-TION!
Hooray, Mr. President something-something-some
A-something-something-something-some economy is number one again!
Hooray Mr. President, we're really proud of you!
And the same for all Americans [in?] the great Red White and Blue!
So something Mr. President we all just something-some,
So here's a hearty hip-hooray a-something-something-some!
Hip, hip hooray! (3x)

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

This is how post pregnancy is done ladies...




I know I'm about to make women sledgehammer their computers and completely explode their carotids, but if you're looking for an example of how dieting and exercise can wipe away baby weight, look here. Yes, Bulimia, genetics, vomiting, cocaine, and being a Brazilian sex goddess helps, but I'll tell you what doesn't and that's Bon Bons. I'm actually not even sure what Bon Bons are, but I do know when people are described sitting on the couch watching Oprah, they're often said to be eating Bon Bons. Regardless, neither of which, Oprah nor Bon Bons, describe what skinny people do. To be honest, it's your decision what you do with your life, but if you blow up like a whale, trust me on this, he doesn't, despite what you tell everyone, "Like his girl with meat on her bones" or "Love me just the way I am." If he had the inability to lie, he would really tell you, "I love you, but you're fat and I don't like to sex fat girls."

Mila Kunis put on a clinic at the Emmys



This should be a lesson to all Hollywood starlets that want to be famous and desired. This Ukrainian goddess just humiliated anyone that's ever been called beautiful. I really wanted to write about this right after the Emmy Awards a few days ago, but I've been incapable of looking at this picture without having violent seizures, blackouts (as I conveniently call them), and waking up to realize I need emergency skin grafts from what my psychiatrist informed me to call for the sake of my professional career, "extracurricular activities".

Anna...Lay off the knee self-tanner




I'm really angry today. Primarily it's because I woke up at 5:30. However, you can probably attribute a lot of it to just being a prematurely bitter old man. Anyway, Anna Lynn McCord needs to go far far away. When she was on Nip/Tuck like two or three years ago, I thought she was, first of all hot, but secondly, that she had to be at least 30 years old. Well, like four years and a thousand blown kisses to the camera on the red carpet with her hand on her hip later, I find out she's like 17 years old and still as pointless and anonymous as ever. There's such ambivalence regarding the paparazzi. See, on one hand I think they expose Celebrity for the dip shits they truly are, when before, there was no way to really know. On the other hand, however, attention whores like AnnaWho here, Lindsay, Jessica, and God please forgive me, Heidi and Spencer, just get thrust to the tabloid and blogosphere forefront. I know it's not truly fame nor is it talent, but they are making money off this and it fills me with a fire that just can't be extinguished. Well, I can make this promise. Never again will I post a single thing on this broad. She already looks like a mix between a Vegas streetwalker and a South Beach tranny. Moreover, starring on 90210, regardless of the era, hasn't proven to provide a foundation for a long lasting and dynamic entertainment career...thank God. You have 13 minutes and counting.

Hey Will Ferrell, Screw You.



This is the epitome of arrogance and and ignorance in Hollywood. Since when do we apologize for being capitalists? Since when is, God forbid, making a profit something we should be embarrassed about? The irony of this son-of-a-bitch is that he made 31 million dollars last year standing on blue taped x's on the floor and reciting some lines in movies that perpetuate your stupidity. The video should say, "Why does Columbia Pictures want to lower actors salaries when they're doing just fine making millions of dollars in profits?" By the way, good job, Will, Step Brothers was amazing. That movie was pure cinematic wizardry. The reason these people always leave you scratching your head because of the stupid things they've said is because they are stupid. Most Hollywood entertainers are famous in their early 20's, if they make it big time. They may claim to have struggled, but who didn't at that age? Who didn't work as a bartender or a server in some restaurant? By the time these people are late 20's their paychecks are more than most CEO's. When things come that easily for you, it becomes easy to feel a little guilt. These people have no concept of reality. ZERO. They don't know the struggles of socialized health care, financial strife, or just trying to make a living in middle America. Their problems are paying their way out of legal woes stemming from Cocaine possession and DUI's, multiple divorces, having people from other countries raise their kids, and rubbing their wealth in the faces of working people in videos like this. It certainly isn't health care. Trust me, they get health care negotiated through the Screen Actors Guild and it's much better than Government Health Care our veterans receive. Will Ferrell, you're a dick. Shut your stupid mouth. No one with a clue is laughing.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Megan Fox proves being arrogant, stupid, and talentless is more important than being hot


Megan Fox flexed her Hollywood muscles over the weekend to bring up the rear rear at the box office. Jennifer's Body finishing 5th at the box office with a wretched 6.8 million in ticket sales is the biggest surprise since Jessica Simpson failed at country music or since when my restraining order against the Victoria's Secret Angels was issued. Finally America has held Hollywood idiots accountable. I'm more sick of Megan Fox than a Britney/Lindsay sandwich. Anyone with a Marilyn Monroe tattoo on their forearm that looks like it was drawn by a third grader has to be crazier than hell. Someone please close the book on this chick. She's like a dollar tree version of Angelina Jolie. If you're one that's paid money to see Jennifer's Body, you couldn't be more dead to me.


1. Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs $30,100,000
2. The Informant! $10,545,000
3. Tyler Perry's I Can Do Bad All By Myself $10,060,000
4. Love Happens $8,456,000
5. Jennifer's Body $6,800,000

This is the open letter written by the crew of Transformers 1 and 2 defending Michael Bay after Megan Fox blasted him: It's long, but truly reveals what kind of insufferable pain in the ass this dumb ass girl can actually be to people that "made" her.

This is an open letter to all Michael Bay fans. We are three crew members that have worked with Michael for the past ten years. Last week we read the terrible article with inflammatory, truly trashing quotes by the Ms. Fox about Michael Bay. This letter is to set a few things straight.
Yes, Megan has great eyes, a tight stomach we spray with glycerin, and an awful silly Marilyn Monroe tattoo plastered on her arm that we cover up to keep the moms happy.
Michael found this shy, inexperienced girl, plucked her out of total obscurity thus giving her the biggest shot of any young actresses' life. He told everyone around to just trust him on his choice. He granted her the starring role in Transformers, a franchise that forever changed her life; she became one of the most googled and oogled women on earth. She was famous! She was the next Angelina Jolie, hooray! Wait a minute, two of us worked with Angelina – second thought – she’s no Angelina. You see, Angelia is a professional.
We know this quite intimately because we’ve had the tedious experience of working with the dumb-as-a-rock Megan Fox on both Transformers movies. We've spent a total of 12 months on set making these two movies.
We are in different departments; we can’t give our names because sadly doing so in Hollywood could lead to being banished from future Paramount work. One of us touches Megan’s panties, the other has the often shitty job of pulling Ms. Sourpants out of her trailer, while another is near the Panaflex camera that helps to memorialize the valley girl on film.
Megan has the press fooled. When we read those magazines we wish we worked with that woman. Megan knows how to work her smile for the press. Those writers should try being on set for two movies, sadly she never smiles. The cast, crew and director make Transformers a really fun and energetic set. We’ve traveled around the world together, so we have never understood why Megan was always such the grump of the set?
When facing the press, Megan is the queen of talking trailer trash and posing like a porn star. And yes we’ve had the unbearable time of watching her try to act on set, and yes, it's very cringe-able. So maybe, being a porn star in the future might be a good career option. But make-up beware, she has a paragraph tattooed to her backside (probably due her rotten childhood) — easily another 45 minutes in the chair!
So when the three of us caught wind of Ms Fox, pontificating yet again in some publication (like she actually has something interesting to say) blabbing her trash mouth about a director whom we three have grown to really like. She compared working with Michael, to “working with Hitler”. We actually don’t think she knows who Hitler is by the way. But we wondered how she doesn’t realize what a disgusting, fully uneducated comment this was? Well, here let’s get some facts straight.
Say what you want about Michael – yes at times he can be hard, but he's also fun, and he challenges everyone for a reason – he simply wants people to bring their ‘A’ game. He comes very prepared, knows exactly what he wants, involves the crew and expects everyone to follow through with his or her best, and that includes the actors. He’s one of the hardest working directors out there.
He gets the best from his crews, many of whom have worked with him for 15 years. And yes, he’s loyal, one of the few directors we’ve encountered who lowered his fee by millions to keep Transformers in the United States and California, so he could work with his own crew.
Megan says that Transformers was an unsafe set? Come on Megan, we know it is a bit more strenuous then the playground at the trailer park, but you don’t insult one of the very best stunt and physical effects teams in the business! Not one person got hurt!
And who is the real Megan Fox? She is very different than the academy nominee and winning actors we’ve all worked around. She’s as about ungracious a person as you can ever fathom. She shows little interest in the crew members around her. We work to make her look good in every way, but she's absolutely never appreciative of anyone’s hard work. Never a thank you. All the crewmembers have stopped saying hi to Ms. Princess because she never says hello back. It gets tiring. Many think she just really hates the process of being an actress.
Megan has been late to the sets many times. She goes through the motions that make her exude this sense of misery. We’ve heard the A.D’s piped over the radio that Megan won’t walk from her trailer until John Turturro walks first! John’s done seventy-five movies and she’s made two!
Never expect Megan to attend any of the 15 or so crew parties like all the other actors have. And then there's the classless night she blew off The Royal Prince of Jordan who made a special dinner for all the actors. She doesn’t know that one of the grips' daughters wanted to visit their daddy’s work to meet Megan, but he wouldn’t let them come because he told them “she is not nice."
The press certainly doesn’t know her most famous line. On our first day in Egypt, the Egyptian government wouldn’t let us shoot because of a permit problem as the actors got ready in make up at the Four Seasons Hotel. Michael tried to make the best of it; he wanted to take the cast and crew on a private tour of the famous Giza pyramids. God hold us witness, Megan said, "I can’t believe Michael is fucking forcing us to go to the fucking pyramids!" I guess this is the “Hitler guy” she is referring to.
So this is the Megan Fox you don’t get to see. Maybe she will learn, but we figure if she can sling insults, then she can take them too. Megan really is a thankless, classless, graceless, and shall we say unfriendly bitch. It's sad how fame can twist people, and even sadder that young girls look up to her. If only they knew who they're really looking up to.
But ‘fame’ is fleeting. We, being behind the scenes, seen em’ come and go. Hopefully Michael will have Megatron squish her character in the first ten minutes of Transformers 3. We can tell you that will make the crew happy!
-Loyal Transformers Crew

I guess they think we're stupid...


While the House passed a sweeping climate change bill this year, it has stalled in the Senate as health care reform dominates the domestic agenda.

Yet Obama asserted Tuesday that, while the United States was slow to respond to the global warming threat, his administration is doing more to combat climate change than any in history.

He touted progress that has been made during his term, including new standards for fuel efficiency in automobiles and the House version of the so-called cap-and-trade bill -- which he called the most important part of U.S. efforts.

"We understand the gravity of the climate threat. We are determined to act. And we will meet our responsibility to future generations," he said.

Obama warned that a failure to address the problem could create an "irreversible catastrophe." Obama said time is "running out" to fix the problem but that, "we can reverse it."

Despite years of shoving "Global warming down out throats, coupled with a ridiculous and undeserved Nobel Prize, the democrats are finding, with the help of an overwhelming amount of supportive scientific evidence, that Global Warming is preposterous. The Democrats have lost so much steam, (PUN INTENDED), they've decided to change the name of Global Warming, to Global Climate change. You see, the problem with this stupid hypothesis of global warming is that the globe is seeing consistent cooling in the atmosphere, the oceans as well as shrinking holes in the Ozone. In stupid people terms, Democrats and liberals throughout the world were hoping to use Global warming as an instrument to implement global income/wealth redistribution. It could be responsible for trillions of dollars changing hands. Their plan is failing. Government officials around the world think so little of their constituents that just by changing the name and hyperbolizing the potential dangers, we'll agree to this nonsense. Why do you think our President is appearing on late night television? Could it be because his approval rating is falling like a rock? Could it be that young Americans, which is responsible for his election victory, are even turning their backs on him? It's been years since a President has agreed to appear on late night shows, yet this is Obama's second appearance of the year. He needs to appear likable again. He needs to appear confident. He needs his young uninformed voters to forget all the stupid policies and just like him because he's attractive, calm, articulate, young and cool. I predict right now you will see a double digit loss in the Presidential election In 2012. He has proven to the American public, just as Bush did, that it's hard as hell to be President and not everyone, despite how great their speech writers are, can do it.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

1977-2009 (My Liver)



Ive been celebrating the union of my dear friends in Annapolis. Couple that with my crapulous antics, and you understand why name has been moved to the top of the liver transplant list and I havent made any posts lately. To to wrap things up, see you Monday, if I sweat out this perpetual hangover.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Kanye needs a surprise meeting with Biggie and Tupac

Kanye West sucks more than AIDS. To me, Kanye West might as well be the Taliban or Scott Peterson. I know all about guys like Kanye. He's the guy always picked last in kick ball. He never got laid by hot girls. He plays in the band, goes to art school, and struggles with friendships. Well Kanye, nothing has changed because you still epically suck. You're an absolute awful, deplorable human being. You're impossible to like. When you're outclassed by Beyonce Knowles, you know you're worse than cancer. Act like you've been there before, Kanye. Even Beyonce ddid the right thing. I saw your SNL performance after your voice correction software went bad. The whole performance presented like a wolfpack in unison with the rhythm of a 7th grade white boy. You might be a gifted producer, but you're a talentless singer and performer. Not to mention, it took you mere hours to convince your attorneys to pull the video from the internet. I despise myself for wasting yet another post on this douche. Kanye, my life would be complete if I woke up Tuesday morning with the headline,

"Kanye West dies of Swine flu and herpes blisters."

1952-2009



Patrick Swayze lost his heroic battle with pancreatic cancer today at 57 years of age. Patrick Swayze will certainly be missed as his spirit is kept alive by several of the best, most bad ass roles of the 80's and 90's. According to almost everything you read about Swayze, you couldn't find a better guy. He was a gentleman and a consummate professional. Because of the ladies, I have to mention Dirty Dancing, but you can't think of Swayze without thinking of his role as Bohdi in Point Break, Red Dawn, Ghost, and of course, Dalton the bad ass in Road House. Patrick, you're the best. Rest in Peace.


EMBED-Road House - Watch more free videos



Saturday, September 12, 2009

For your Saturday viewing pleasure...





There's not much you can add to pictures like these. This chick literally tilts over and pours out sexuality. When we dated back in 2004, she was really into me, like psycho into me, but I was going through a rough patch and I just wasn't ready to be tied down. You see, I'm elusive like a wild mustang running free on the plains. Was she a conquest, just another notch on my belt, you ask. I say no, but really, who am I say what motivates this fiery untameable libido of mine.

Rihanna rivals Beyonce for most nutritious leg...and not in a good way.




I'm kind of tired of Rihanna. I'm not sure how you can get the beat down from Chris Brown and somehow you're the one that's judged and viewed unfavorably, but that's exactly what's happened. Everytime I see her lately, she looks like she's in dress rehersal for Total Recall. It's so annoying. Someone needs to tell her that her shoes are stupid. They're always stupid. In every picture. She also has some anatomic leg variant that is difficult to describe. It's like cankles, but not, because the ankle is the same size as the thigh. Would that be thankles? It's just gross...and those idiotic glasses! They're like the glasses sold at Urban Outfitters that people with no clue how to dress buy because that's what they think people with a clue would buy. Well, excuse me, but it's not. I hate people sometimes...ok...a lot of times.

Oedipus Rex was from Michigan?


Michigan police say a 35-year-old mother used the Internet to track down the son she gave up for adoption a decade ago, seducing and raping the teenage boy when she found him after an online search.

Aimee Louise Sword of Waterford Township, near Detroit, was arraigned this week on three charges of criminal sexual conduct for the alleged rape of her biological son, whom she put up for adoption more than 10 years ago, MyFOXDetroit reported.

Prosecutors say the boy is still a minor, but won't disclose whether he knew the woman was his mother — a situation that has horrified mental health experts who are calling the case "an abomination."

"I don't think I've heard of another case like this in my career," said Dr. Gerald Shiener, chief of Consultation and Liaison Psychiatry at Sinai Grace Hospital in Detroit.

Really? Never heard of this? Must not read classical literature Dr Gerald. From what I recall, the oracle was eerily accurate...seems applicable in this case too. As sick and twisted as this is...if the kid was 15 and he scored a woman like this not knowing it was his mother...you gotta think he's getting high fives for weeks. Just weird how life really hates you sometimes because it could've played out so differently for this kid if it simply hadn't been his mother.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Lindsay Lohan strikes again...(insert) out


I know this looks like a photoshop, but it's not. It's actually the REAL boogeyman. I took this with a motion detecting camera at 4:01 am just as it was leaving my closet last night.

The Hills are a lock for an Emmy sweep.



For all I know, the Hills could be a show on Discovery HD about the dangers of breastfeeding, but let me say if this is what you get by tuning in, I'm a fan. I would follow her "Tweets" into Dante's 9 levels of Hell. I actually hate myself for liking her because she adheres to everything I despise in "so-called" stars. She's essentially been famous for being famous. Now, however, she's famous because she turns what would be a "6" bikini picture, into a rocket "10" Annie Lebowitz. I know she's got a fake rack...let's don't get lost in the details ladies. TomAto, Tomahto.

You didn't miss a thing...oh, except for the prologue of Socialism

Shockingly, I can sum up Obama's last ditch effort to save his failing Presidency with just a few points:

1. Having a half private, half government health care plan will do nothing but quickly bankrupt the private sector insurance companies. In turn, the Government will be "forced" (aka follow their master plan) to come in and "rescue" (aka cripple) our health care system and force us deeper into a dependent country only as capable as our Government allows.

2. This is probably a better translation of my thoughts.

Oops...I murdered someone. Dammit. I hate it when I do that.



Way to go Buckeyes. Not only is your fan base one SEC loss from hanging themselves from a coat rack, but you offer this to America as your star? Come on guys.

"Not everybody's the perfect person in the world. I mean everyone kills people, murders people, steals from you, steals from me, whatever."

Whatever? No Terrelle. Not whatever. Murder isn't run-of-the-mill like meeting for a beer with your friend or walking through the park with your dog. Terrelle, you're a dipshit. When in doubt, shut your mouth. You're a 20 year year old gifted athlete. Not Mahatma Ghandi. Your talents stop with running, throwing, and being Quarterback"y". Actually though, for the sake of my sheer cynicism, I hope that he gets a post game interview every game this year. Especially this week when USC makes them look like a JV team.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Toastmasters public speaking really paid off...



This guy getting drafted in the 7th round is a miracle that rivals Jesus bringing back Lazarus from the dead. I bet when the reporter asked this guy this question and he started having an "like um" seizure, the reporter hit his recorder then his head to make sure there wasn't a glitch in the matrix.

Friday, September 4, 2009

It's time to wake up and educate yourself


U.S. Sen. Jim Inhofe said at a town hall in Grove Wednesday,

“I never dreamed I would see an administration try to disavow all the things that have made this country different from all others,” Inhofe told more than 300 people at a town hall meeting in the Grove Community Center.

“I have never seen so many things happening at one time so disheartening to America. Every institution that has made this country the greatest nation in the world is under attack,” he said at the end of the 75-minute session.

This is not rocket science. For over 300 years, America has been the leader of the world. America has stood for, fought for, and defended freedoms both here and abroad. We have led humanitarian aid, been looked to for advancements in science and medicine, and lit the way for the world's economic, indsutrial, and technological charge. Since when have those things become something for which we should be ashamed? Why do we need to apologize for success from hard work? Why is it that we're criticized for being unlike Europe and not "vacationing" enough? Why should health care be a right of every citizen, but not a right every citizen should have to pay for? Why does an erratically and irresponsibly spending Government collect from only the people that sacrifice "their" family time for hard work and labor? Since when did our armed forces become evil maniacal torturers and not defenders of freedom, humanity and democracy? Since when did the White House decide how much a private company's Chief Executive Officer can make? Since when did Government learn how to run the automotive industry?

If you lived in any other time and were told all these things were happening, you wouldn't believe in a million years it was the United States of America. This is not what has made us great. Congressman Inhofe is right, these are the things that have separated us from the rest of the world and made us envied by all. These are the things that allowed us to prosper as a nation for centuries. One thing's for sure, President Obama, we need change alright. Just not your style. Not socialism. You can't muiltiply wealth by dividing it. We need a change that takes us back to the way we used to be...I sure as hell was a lot happier back then. How bout you?

Punk ass sucker punch



There's two things to comment on about this video.

1. Oregon's coach is dunzo, whether now or later, his appointment will be short lived. Here's opening game points for the Ducks the last several years:

2009 8 Boise State
2008 44 Washington
2007 48 Houston
2006 48 Stanford
2005 38 Houston

Can you say offensive ineptitude?

2. Unless Oregon wants to be known as the Miami of the Northwest, you kick this little sucker punching bitch off the team indefinitely. I hope the guy presses charges.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

This guy's days are numbered.



TOKYO - Japan's next prime minister might be nicknamed "the alien," but it's his wife who claims to have had a close encounter with another world.

"While my body was asleep, I think my soul rode on a triangular-shaped UFO and went to Venus," Miyuki Hatoyama, the wife of premier-in-waiting Yukio Hatoyama, wrote in a book published last year.

"It was a very beautiful place and it was really green."

Miyuki, 66, described the extraterrestrial experience, which she said took place some 20 years ago, in a book entitled "Very Strange Things I've Encountered."

When she awoke, Japan's next first lady wrote, she told her now ex-husband that she had just been to Venus. He advised her that it was probably just a dream.

"My current husband has a different way of thinking," she wrote. "He would surely say 'Oh, that's great'."

A strong believer in spiritualism, Hatoyama said in a TV appearance earlier this year she met U.S. actor Tom Cruise — in a previous life.

"I have a dream that I still believe will come true, which is to make a film in Hollywood," she told a TV talk show in May. "The lead actor is Tom Cruise, of course. Why? Because I know he was Japanese in a previous life.

"I also eat the sun," Hatoyama said on the program, looking up with her eyes closed, raising her arms high as if she was tearing pieces off an imaginary sun. "Like this, hum, hum, hum. It gives me enormous energy."


OMG. I don't know what to say. You couldn't reach this chick dialing long distance. There's so much in this article, it's like it was a combination of every insane person in the world homogenized into one. Triangle spaceships, Tom Cruise, visiting Venus, and last but certainly not least, eating the sun accompanied by her charade's demonstration of her actually eating it. If this is your wife, you sleep with one eye open, maybe two, because it's just a matter of time before he wakes up and she's staring down at him smiling with a bloody knife in one hand and a Tom Cruise Crucifix in the other while he frantically searches to find out which body part has been severed. If I were this cat, the Premiere of japan or whatever, I would fake my death. You could make up any story and she's believe it.

Madam, I'm sorry, but your husband has been killed and eaten by the monsters living inside your refridgerator. There is no evidence except for a half empty glass of milk, his wedding ring, and this note saying, Please don't look for me(crossed out)him. I'm (crossed out) he's really dead. I (crossed out) he tasted good. I'm sorry.

Love,

Premiere (crossed out) The Monster.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Are you sorry yet?



I said last night that Obama and his administration were planning to control energy (Cap and Trade), Health Care (Socialized Medicine), and Education. Although last night I said through the Teacher's Union...I was painfully wrong. He's going straight to the source...the students themselves. According to the Department of Education's website, ED.GOV, Obama plans to address your children in the most vulnerable of places, their schools. People, this is blatant indoctrination. This is something I would expect from Castro. I'm not being hyperbolic or dramatic. This is not the place of the President of the United States, no matter who it is, to give instruction and push ideologies onto our children. This is so arrogant and unacceptable. If I were a parent, there is no way in hell I send my child to school that day.

Here is the memo sent from the White Hose Press Secretary:


THE WHITE HOUSE
Office of the Press Secretary
President Obama to Speak Directly to Students in National Address on Educational Success
WASHINGTON, D.C. – As children across America go back to school, President Obama will deliver a national address directly to students on the importance of taking responsibility for their success in school on Tuesday, September 8th at 12:00 PM EDT at Wakefield High School in Arlington. In advance of this address, the Department of Education is providing resources developed by and for teachers to help engage students and stimulate discussion about persisting and succeeding in school. The speech will be broadcast live on www.WhiteHouse.gov and C-SPAN. The speech is open to pre-credentialed media. The deadline to request credentials is 6:00PM EDT tomorrow, Thursday, September 3rd.

September 8, 2009

College Football (Update)

CUT ME A BREAK. IM TOO EXCITED. I THOUGHT IT WAS THURSDAY.



Starting tomorrow tonight, college football kicks off, officially making me the happiest person in North America. If you're wondering, there's a game Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I don't know who's resposnsible for the Thursday, Friday and Sunday games, but they should win an Edward R Murrow Award or something. Three things about this weekend.

1. College girls are rockets.
A. Especially college girls in SEC school color dresses.
B. Especially college girls in jerseys without the name Tebow.

2. Bourbon and the SEC is like church and the offering plate. You can't have one without the other.

3. I wish my name was Matthew Stafford.


Below is my fun chart plotted out for this weekend, assuming the Bulldogs pull off a victory against a formidable opponent. Afterall, it's not like we're playing Charleston Southern.

Where are they now?



Jeff McMahon, better known as "Chunk" from Goonies, took the stage name Jeff Cohen from his mother's maiden name. This really has no relevance, other than the movie is flipping awesome, despite its dismal box office performance. If you're born anywhere from 1972-1979, you pretty much know every character from Goonies, wish secretly that you were from the "Goon Docks," and that you could've found One-Eyed Willie's treasures after playing the skeleton organ. The point of this story, if there is one to this awful mess, is that after Goonies and a short film career, Chunk went to UC Berkeley and ran for Student Body President. Wikipedia said that he would perform the Truffle Shuffle at football games to incite the crowd. Can you imagine having that kind of power at your disposal? His campaign slogan was, "Chunk for President." That's hard to beat. So hard in fact, he won. After school, your boy Chunk went to UCLA Law School and is now an entertainment lawyer in Beverly Hills. Btw, Chunk has changed a little, but I bet he's still wicked awesome.