Seriously, the greatest day of my life, every year.

Christmas morning came early, as it does every year about this time, as the Angels exposed all of Victoria's Secrets. If the cure for all the world's diseases relied on me never watching this lingerie expose again, you better re-up your life insurance cause the cancer is knockin on your door. This hasn't aired on TV yet, but when it does, I'm gonna lock all the doors, saturate the walls, floors and carpet with water and cover the walls with lubricant because simply based on the amount of friction, that's about the only way I won't burn my house down. If spending one night as King Solomon and having these girls in my harem were possible, I would trade a lifetime of scabies, HPV, and talking like Simple Jack from Tropic Thunder. If you're one of those religious freaks that sends your kid to church to "cure his gayness" because you're suspicious he might be, I have an idea. Print out these pics, show them them to him, and if he doesn't pitch a tent within 3 seconds, he likes penis.

OBAMACARE

I've tried to steer clear of insipid political posts lately, but this can't be ignored. This week the Government took its first steps in the slippery slope of Health Care Rationing. Despite breast cancer being down over 30% and early detection contributing to the decline in the mortality rate every year since 1990, a group of bureaucrats got together this week and decided to ignore what's working and jeopardize women's health all over the world.

A government task force said Monday that most women don't need mammograms in their 40s and should get one every two years starting at 50 — a stunning reversal and a break with the American Cancer Society's long-standing position. What's more, the panel said breast self-exams do no good, and women shouldn't be taught to do them.

For a minute, think of this. Picture 8 women in your life. 1 of them WILL be diagnosed with breast cancer at some point in their lifetime. For every 4 cancer diagnoses in women, it's responsible for 1 of them. How many people do you know that have battled this dreadful disease? How many of those people detected the lump in their breast themselves? Not only is this advice wildly irresponsible, but it's rationing health care in an attempt to decrease costs. Bureaucrats didn't stop there, however, the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists or ACOG now say women younger than 30 should undergo cervical cancer screening once every two years instead of an annual exam. And those age 30 and older can be screened once every three years. If this isn't foreshadowing Obamacare well enough for you, you should either set your alarm because you're alseep, or just come to grips with the fact that you're the one of the dumbest people in America. The facts are, Obamacare will significantly decrease the number of providers, while conversely exponentially increasing the number of patients, many of whom don't have citizenship or pay taxes. Explain that system to me. You don't need a PhD in economics to see that's a failed system. If you decrease providers while increasing patients, there's only one way to reduce the overall costs associated with health care. Reduce (RATION) YOUR CARE. Right now, as I type this, Congress is in a hurried debate surrounding this Health Care Reform Bill so they can recess and have the week off. These people aren't serving our best interest. They don't care about improving our health care. They will not be forced to participate in this health care system if and when it passes. Despite what Jesse Jackson says to convince you otherwise, you can still be black and be against a Government run health care. We're pawns in a political power struggle, except instead of getting a candidate we despise for four or eight years, we get a health care system that kills us faster.

Megan Fox is sublte

I know most misguided people couldn't disagree with me more about my utter disdain for Megan Fox, but as you can see in these pics, it's just hard for me to find the attraction to someone so shy and unsure of themselves. She's just so humble and so talented. Nothing would make me happier than Brian Austin Green dumping her dumb ass. My girlfriend could be Helen of Troy, but if she came home with these heinous tattoos, I'd drop her like a bad habit. As I've said before, if you think she's the hottest girl in the world, first of all, I hate you, but second, she dates Brian Austin Green. Honestly, does anything else need to be said? No. It doesn't.

Pop goes the weasel

Amy Winehouse's sh!t show of negativity reared its ugly head again yesterday.

Mitch Winehouse, Amy's father, trying to explain Amy's hospitalization, said, "She's fine, she just had a little (pointing to his chest) leaky something or other."

So, three weeks after getting implants fitted into the saggiest breasts of all time, Amy popped one? Come on! Not only that, but someone melted a spoon of heroin and dripped it on her nose too? You can't even make this stuff up. No matter what, this poor girl just can't catch a break.

Jennifer Connelly looks great photoshopped

Jennifer Connelly is one of the most underrated actresses in Hollywood. Have you seen the House of Rain and Fog, Requiem for a Dream, or a Beautiful Mind? Even back in the early days of Career Opportunities, she was a rocket. Just look how this woman has aged. It's perfection. You would think a woman this gorgeous would land a young Hollywood guy like Ashton Kutcher for instance; instead, she's with some Brit named Paul Bettany. I love Hollywood. It's just so real and so darn unpredictable.

What kind of trick is this?

I've seen nothing but criticism for Claire Danes' appearance at a premiere a few days ago, but is it just me, or has she never looked better. It almost looks as if she's a different person. She's a Yale graduate which is impressive, irrespective of the fact that she got a letter of recommendation from Oliver Stone (Regardless Zahn, this is the best that ever came from your alma mater). So, she's smart, she's sexy, and now she looks older than 13, which makes me feel a hell of a lot better about the thoughts that go through my head when I look at this picture. I really can't put my finger on it, but if there hadn't been a caption with this picture, I would've bet 2 hundy that this was a classy version of Amy Smart in Butterfly Effect mixed with Reese Witherspoon in Sweet Home Alabama. Regardless, we have ourselves a winner.

Ashley Greene owns Kristin Stewart

Ashley Greene showed up to the Twiglight premiere in this and I am very thankful. For a year all I've heard about is this and this, both of which are pale and heinous enough to be real vampires. Kristin Stewart makes Lindsay Lohan still seem relevant. I just don't get it. This is the main reason I hate Hollywood so much. It's not about being pretty (Kirstin Dunst), or talented (Megan Fox), it's simply a junior high popularity contest. If you're the new hot thing, nothing can slow your fame train down. Well, if Hollywood executives have any flippin clue, they'll put Ashley Greene in every movie made in 2010. This is a prime example of how premieres should be done. If I am the director of Twilight 3, I'm killing off that lip biting moron, Kristin Stewart, in the first 2 minutes, and the rest of the movie would filled gratuitous nude shower scenes with soapy breasts, self groping, and vampire/human copulation.

Blake Lively wins.

Blake Lively is a genius. She's an "actor" on some show, i think. I'm really not sure, come to think of it. She could be the girl that denied me a credit card at the Express last Tuesday. What...she said it happens all the time. I didn't even want the thing. What's 10% anyway? Regardless, I couldn't pick out 2 things on this chick that I could relate to talent...well maybe two. Seriously, it's awesome when girls like this are aware of their skill set. It just seems so earnest and forthright. All girls should be this way. Nothing makes me more angry and confused than a gorgeous, voluptuous woman playing coy and covering everything up. If I wanted a riddle, I'd buy Laffy Taffy. You don't see me walking around all covered up, afraid to show off my goods. I share this gift with the world. Gather round ladies...

Sammy...come on bro

Sammy, I know you've stacked roids and HGH for the last 10 years, but bro, turning yourself into Mark McGuire isn't gonna help you get the votes to Cooperstown. In fact, if this does anything, it might get you a supporting role in Twilight as a blood thirsty vampire. You gotta lay off the Michael Jackson strength hydroquinone. This is not a good look for you.

Happy Birthday, My love...

Today is the 4 month 28th day anniversary of my soul mate's 28th year. Some people laugh at me when I celebrate such arbitrary dates throughout the year. Like the first time I saw her, or the first time I saw her through the slits in her closet while she was changing, or the first time I stared at her feet under the dressing room door, or like the time I used her Cover girl to get rid of those dark circles under my eyes while she was away for a weekend...or even when she blew me kisses in the court room during the "I'm showing her too much attention" stalking trial. What?!? Don't judge me. We're meant to be together. You obviously just don't know true love when you see it.

Let's call a spade a spade...

The alleged Ft Hood shooter is apparently awake and talking, as reported by Fox News this morning. My only question is why? We're actually paying to keep this terrorist alive? Can we please call this what it was. I know the Obama administration refuses to accept that this man was a terrorist, but when you scream, "Allah Akbar," and then open fire on innocent soldiers of a United States Army base, that's terroism. When a recent Islamic converter is reaching out to Al Quaeda through email and websites, he's a terrorist. When a man says to friends that he's an Islamic Extremist, he's a terrorist. When they're investigating reports that he said all non muslims should be beheaded, you're a nut job terrorist. Other than leasing a billboard on Ft Hood with his picture and an arrow pointing to him that says, "Hey morons, I'm a terrorist. I live to serve Allah and wish to rid the world of infidels," what more evidence could one need to say this is what it is. An act of Islamic terrorism on a US Army base. This isn't necessarily Obama's fault, but this world is far less safe with Obama sitting in the Oval Office. I feel as though he doesn't have the backbone to stand up against other nations and their rush to call America nothing but bullies. It's funny to me that when other nations find themselves in trouble they can't seem to handle, no one sees us as bullies on the playground then. I'm tired of people making excuses for Islamic extremists. I try my best to be tolerant of others, but when a red yellow and black snake slithers by, it's either a coral snake (venomous) or a king snake(non-venomous), but I'm not getting a closer look to find out which.

Taylor Swift is pretty damn funny...

It's bad when your show sucks so bad that a 19/20 year old singer is the funniest person on your show. You gotta hand it to this girl. She's so precocious, so wise, so driven. I hope my kid is a gravy train like her so I don't have to work. That would be so sweet. I could just point them in the direction of the stage regardless if they're crying and begging not to go on, and force them to play for another paycheck. I can't wait for parenthood. It's seems so exciting to think I can name him/her anything and you have to call him/her by that name. I can live out my dreams, correct my mistakes, and not be hindered by my own personal shortcomings through their taltents. That's going to be great...living through them. I'm going to be an awesome parent. I'm so selfless.

Toughguy 2010, Wolverhampton England

If you thought I couldn't be dumber, I'm proving there's always room for improvement. On January 32nd(Feb 1st), I, along with several of my friends, are going to Wolverhampton England for the annual "Toughguy." Last year the race was started with temparatures in the 20's and snowfall. Racers sustained a variety of injuries from concussions, fractures, and the winner was treated for hypothermia. To say that I'm excited would be an understatement. Let's see, I hate cold water, mud, running, climbing, snow, and rain, so this should be awesome. Wish me luck.

Please tell me he found what he was looking for...

If this idea came to fruition, it is officially (I consulted the judges), the most awesome Halloween costume ever created. To have the originality, the balls, and the forethought to bring something like this to life makes you the most awesome person ever. You can live a thousand lives and never will you see something more envied. I tip my hat to you, Mr. You're Awesome.

Trick or Treat

Forget that it's Nov 5, because Britney threw tradition to the wind and decided to keep on rocking her nursing mother from the cover of National Geograpic Magazine Halloween costume in Australia. Her nipples look like those glasses you wear with the eyes on springs and they just spring left and right and up and down. I'm pretty sure she could breast feed one child in the front seat while she feeds the other in the back. If I weren't so immature and childishly intrigued with breast's form and fucntion, I probably wouldn't take a second look at this pic; instead, however, like most, I mean ALL men, I maunder on about the shape, orientation, individuality, and rougueness of Ms. Spears' unfortunate and victimized fun bags. Although, despite the gratutious logorrhea of exposedandnaked bloggers, not everything here is based around objectifying women, bronzing breasts, celebrating herion chic, and a judgemental list of sundry items and other meritless balderdash. Trust me, being me isn't easy. Try being awesome for an afternoon...it's exhausting.

Mike, easy on my fat girlfriend...she's sensitive about that stuff.

Look cuz, I know you lost, but listen, you're no Adonis. You got more chins than a Chinese phonebook. Pull up that sweatshirt chubs and let's see the bro you're wearing. Anyway this is pretty funny. I love coaches when they lose.

Biggie Biggie Biggie cant you see

A convicted killer from Dade County with an unmistakably bulky frame was arrested Monday when witnesses linked him to another slaying in Jacksonville.

Arthur James Martin, 40, was charged in the shooting death of 19-year-old Jacksonville resident Javon Abdullah Daniels. Lt. Larry Schmitt of the Jacksonville Sheriff's Office said Daniels was letting a passenger out his car about 6 p.m Wednesday in the the 1100 block of West 22nd Street when a gunman opened fire.

Daniels was shot multiple times and pronounced dead at the scene. Schmitt said witnesses picked Martin, who's about 5-foot-3 weighing roughly 300 pounds and goes by the nickname "Shorty Fat," out of a photo spread.

"He has a rather large stature, so it was pretty easy for them to identify him," Schmitt said.

Jacksonville has been on the losing end of news lately. Frankly, I'm not shocked. I'm flipping awesomely glad I don't live there anymore, other than the state income tax. History has proven that if you're a serial killer, a pedophile, a murderer, Florida is your best bet. Well, Jacksonville hasn't been an exception over the last few weeks: A pedophile abduction/murder, a double murder/suicide, and a murderer described as "Girth Brooks." To say this man was identitfiable by his large stature is a prime example of how ridiculously politically correct this world has become. He's fatter than sh!t. Seriously, if you're considering a family vacation to Florida, change your plans. You'd be better off getting a guided tour around the island of Aruba by Joran van der Sloot.

"I am them..."

A Wisconsin woman called 911 to report herself as a drunk driver, MyFoxAustin reported.

"Somebody's really drunk driving down Granton Road," Mary Strey said during an Oct. 24 call to 911, according to tapes.

Trying to determine the location of the reported drunk driver, the dispatcher asked Strey: "Okay are you behind them, or..."

"No, I am them," Strey said, according to MyFoxAustin.

The dispatcher verified, "You am them?"

"Yes, I am them," said Strey.

"Okay, so you want to call and report that you're driving drunk?" confirmed the dispatcher.

"Yes," said Strey.

The dispatcher then told Strey to pull her car over, MyFoxAustin reported.

According to a report, police said Strey had blood-shot eyes and smelled of alcohol.

"I called in I'm drunk," Strey told the officer who responded to the call, MyFoxAustin reported.

A local paper reported that Strey was charged with drunk driving and had a blood-alcohol level of 0.1 percent or more.

This woman shouldn't be taken to jail. She should be taken for a psych evaluation. You're three shades of crazy if you call 911 on yourself. Strey, pull your ass over and call a cab...better yet, leave your car and call a cab. Strey, you should piss on the fire and call the dogs because what's left of your pathetic life is a complete and total failure.

Wearing black is appropriate for funerals

This was posted in the comments of the AJC after the Dawgs received a beat down from a pitiful #1 ranked team. Mabe firing Richt is too hasty, but when you start seeing major boosters withholding monies, you'll see a coach fired so fast your head will spin.

THEN: After touchdown, Herschel hands the ball to official, runs to sideline
NOW: After giving up 8 yards on 1st down, defense struts while beating their chests

THEN: Classic red and silver uniforms
NOW: Arena football league uniforms

THEN: Classic Georgia tradition songs over stadium loud speakers
NOW: Gangsta hip hop rap blaring over stadium loud speakers

THEN: Dooley, wore a tie
NOW: Richt, wears shades and spray on tan

THEN: ERK
NOW: willie

THEN: Special Team All-Americans
NOW: Special John Fabris

THEN: Larry Munson
NOW: Not Larry Munson

THEN: Fred Davison
NOW: Michael Adams

THEN: World’s Greatest Outdoor Cocktail Party
NOW: Annual Beatdown

THEN: Win or Lose, UGA had reputation for class and poise
NOW: Win or Lose, UGA has reputation of thugs

THEN: After loss, coaches and players blamed themselves
NOW: After loss, insult the fans, blame the refs, blame eye-poking, blame it on travel, etc

THEN: Annual Media Guide featured pics of UGA legends on the sidelines
NOW: Annual Media Guide features pics of hip hop gansta ‘stars’ on the sidelines

THEN: Long collegiate careers
NOW: Long dreadlocks

THEN: Player commits stupid personal foul? Coach tears into player!
NOW: Player commits stupid personal foul? Coach tears into referee!

THEN: Bulldog Nation.
NOW: Thug Nation.

THEN: Annual donations from me.
NOW: ZERO donations from me.

Heidi Klum makes me tingle.

Being Heidi Klum must be the easiest thing in recorded history. Essentially, everyone all day everyday falls at your feet to try to make you happy and get your approval...and that's just the women. Every man would swear celibacy for the rest of his life while fighting a starving polar bear armed with nothing but a PEZ dispenser and cap gun, for one opportunity to sleep with you. It's not fair. If anyone deserved the Nobel Peace Prize it should be Heidi except for instead of sending messages of peace and tranquility throughout the world, she encites territorial animalistic riots of furious flaming testosterone leaving millions of potential mates savagely disemboweled, while I stand at the apex of still warm corpses, mocking their inferior evolutionary skillset and rotting entrails.

After a search high and low...he settled on one right in the middle.

In my demented world of satire, cynicism, allegory and sarcasm, I reference Manute Bol probably more than anyone in the world. Well, this 7'7" Sudanese born ex-NBA pixie stick seems to have found himself a bride. Call me captain obvious, and perhaps a male chauvinist, but based on her height in contrast to his, being right at his waistline, is there any reason Manute Bol could ever have a bad day? Coincidence...not a chance. Of course he's smiling.

This is so WTF, it's awesome.

Either this guy is one of the band members at the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance in B2TF or he's mentally handicapped. Either way, his MJ ass kick is one of the funniest things I've ever seen. You gotta give some credit to the repo dude for keeping his cool because not too many guys on steroids get their asses kicked by a guy dressed as Michael and crying over his DeLorean.

He's just theatrical...

I'm so sick of people labeling others they know nothing about. Last night, when I was drinking warm milk and eating cookies with my grandmother and discussing the upcoming season of Idol, she told me she really hopes Adam does well with his new album.

"He's such a handsome boy. Can you believe people are calling him (she leans over and whispers) G-A-Y?"

"I know grandma. I looooove his music sooo much. When are we going to see RENT, grandma...you PROMISED!!!"

You complete me.

If being the hottest girl on the planet were a sport, Alessandra Ambrosio would be like the Michael Jordan, David Beckham, Tiger Woods, Alex Rodriquez, Wayne Gretzky, Tom Brady combined into one body of seemingly effortless, God-given abilities. If you're a teenage boy you should look away from this picture. It's like Lot's wife, except instead of turning into a pillar of salt, you masturbate so fast your penis actually catches on fire.

Funny, that's my reaction to your face too...

Lindsay Lohan was spied on eating lunch and she must have seen her reflection in her fork because based on her facial expressions, she's about to vomit. It's funny because everytime I click on a thumbnail picture of Lindsay and wait for it to open, I think there's no way she can look as bad as the time before...but boy, every single time, I'm proven wrong.

Sabrina = OWNED

Ok, so I'm a day late on this story, but I blame it on Jaime Fox and Gerard Butler because I went to see Law Abiding Citizen last night @ 10:20 and I got home too late to write on this website that no one (don't blame you) reads anyway. Nonetheless, it really warrants covering becaue Jimmy Kimmel, unlike his ex-girlfriend Sarah Silverman, is very funny and original. He seems so regular. He seems like the guy that is completely unchanged by fame. Anyway, sit back and enjoy this teenage witch get dealt...btw...do you remember the MTV cribs with Melissa Joan Hart? She has an orignial Picasso so don't feel too bad for her.

I'm pretty sure Olivia Wilde was created on a Mac graphics program

I've been looking at this picture and I know I'm supposed to recognize the beauty and I do, it's just that something about it is too good. It just seems too perfect. The porcelain skin, the chiseled feminine features, the smile, the crystal blue eyes, all of it, it just scares me. If you look at it for 6 hours like I have, you'll see it too. I can't put my finger on it, but she looks like something from one of those high budget sci-fi movies during the summer starring Will Smith and Tom Cruise where a hot female human-looking robot meets you at the door with a beer, then takes your coat and your briefcase and offers you fellatio. They usually end up shooting them in the face after they have a short circuit and they try to kill them while having sex, so I guess it just proves, sometimes things are just too good to be true.

Economics 101

Yahoo News reports,

In the health care debate, Democrats and their allies have gone after insurance companies as rapacious profiteers making, according to Pelosi, "immoral" and "obscene" returns while "the bodies pile up."

Ledgers tell a different reality. Health insurance profit margins typically run about 6 percent, give or take a point or two. That's anemic compared with other forms of insurance and a broad array of industries, even some beleaguered ones.

Profits barely exceeded 2 percent of revenues in the latest annual measure. This partly explains why the credit ratings of some of the largest insurers were downgraded to negative from stable heading into this year, as investors were warned of a stagnant if not shrinking market for private plans.

So people, this is your simple economics lesson for the day. There is a vast difference between profit margin and profits(gross profits). Democrats always try to turn you against companies, namely, oil and insurance companies, based on gross profits. That means nothing.

Gross profit Margin = Revenue-Cost of Sales/Revenue

Gross profit = Net sales – Cost of goods sold.

The latest statistics show profit margins are 2%! Do you think drug dealers on the corner of a Brooklyn neighborhood would operate on a 2% profit margin? Hell no. They wouldn't waste their time. Sure, insurance companies make insane gross profits, but costs of goods and services are very high. Neal Boortz spoke a bit about this today on his show, so I must give credit where it's due. His point was that Democrats, in order to get Health Care reform passed, or any agenda for that matter, must turn you against the issue. They do this by lying. Nancy Pelosi, which happens to be among the richest members of Congress, has a listed net worth in 2007 estimated at nearly 48 million. Is this a person wth room to speak about immoral and insane profits? Does that make sense to anyone that's logical or not lost in the stubborness of their ideologies? Being educated on these issues is a must. You have to imform yourself so you can decipher through the rhetoric. Liberals tell you oil companies have record profits. Yes, that's true. Record profits, but not record margins. What the liberals don't tell you is that the government makes more money through taxes on oil than the oil companies themselves make. Insurance companies make huge profits? Yes, they do, but what they don't tell you is that bureaucracy and Government stands in the way of insurance companies truly competing on the free market. Why wouldn't the Government allow competition over state lines for better rates and better health care plans? There's no reason other than it would mean losing control. As I've said a thousand times, this is nothing but a political play to gain control of the health care of millions of potential voters. People, they have no interest in providing you better health care. They simply want your vote and that's all that's at play here. If you don't understand this, once again, you're stupid and you're not listening because I've told you this at least three times, if not more. Even if politics don't interest you. Even if think you're a democrat. Inform yourselves. Don't vote for a party because your friends or family do. Wake up and make some decisions for yourselves. If you have no interest in doing better, getting a better job, getting off welfare, quitting your drug habit, providing for your children, just don't vote, please. I'm begging you. It would make the people who actually contribute a hell of a lot happier.

Least surprising sports story ever broken...

In Open, available Nov. 9, the eight-time Grand Slam champion admits using crystal meth just before his marriage to former model Brooke Shields in 1997.

The admission will appear in excerpts of the book that are scheduled to appear in Sports Illustrated and PEOPLE later this week.

“Those excerpts contain revelations about Andre’s use of crystal meth when he was a tennis player,” said Paul Bogaards, director of media relations at Knopf.


If you ever watched Andre Agassi play and you're surprised by this news, blame the genes you got from your parents because you're stupid. Take one look at that trailerpark, station wagon meth lab meth hair. Of course he did meth. He was always jittery, fidgety, and moved around the court in jerky bursts. His eyes always seemed wide open like crazy eyes from Mr Deeds. Will meth in tennis prove to be like steroids in baseball? Time will tell. If you're not cheating, you're not trying.

"Nedal sure is flying around that court today. Someone better test this guy for meth."