Fine line between bravery and insanity.

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You can't make this stuff up...

BISMARCK, N.D. — A North Dakota mother has pleaded not guilty to child neglect after prosecutors alleged she was drunk while breast-feeding her 6-week-old baby.

Prosecutor Carmell Mattison says alcohol was not the only factor in the felony charge against 27-year-old Stacey Anvarinia, who appeared in court Monday. She is free on bond.

Mattison says the mother "wasn't in a position to care for the child properly."

Anvarinia was arrested Feb. 13 after police answered a domestic disturbance call at her Grand Forks home. The prosecutor said officers witnessed Anvarinia breast-feeding the baby and asked her to stop because she was intoxicated.

Her attorney David Ogren says no blood test was taken and the charge could be difficult to prove.

Getting liquored up and breast feeding is in competition for worst thing ever done while trying to be a parent. Then again though, this child was born and forced to live in North Dakota. That alone should be grounds for getting your child taken from you. I know the six people from N Dakota are going to be pissed, but I seriously can't think of one redeeming quality of that state. I would rather live anywhere than there. Seriously, anywhere...even Jacksonville Florida. I digress, as usual. The point of this rambling attempt at a coherent thought was to point out that if you're gonna pull out your breast and let your future chronically unemployed, obese, government dependent, live-in till 40, offspring chug milk off your nipple like a baby calf, don't be hammered when you do. Cops hate that.

**I apologize if you find the above photo offensive, but I found it way too funny not to post it.

Something seems different, but I can't put my finger on it...

I used to like Matt, but it seems lately he's just a self indulgent narcissist. His accent has only seem to worsen. He does more HGH than Barry Bonds. His arms are three times shorter than a T-Rex's. His teeth will blind you with their whiteness yet he claims he doesn't bleach them. He is constantly wrapping bandanas around his head, riping off his shirt in front of the paparazzi, and doing pointless stretches and yoga moves on the beach. It just seems like he's making too much of an effort. You know those video games in the bar where you're given two seemingly identical pictures and you have to pick out the subtle differences between the two? Well, I've been staring at these pictures for three hours and for the life of me, I can't seem to find the differences between these two.

This seems vaguely familiar.

While sadly there are many things about this commercial that parallel my life, there are a few things that couldn't be more inaccurate. Like for instance, I've never been driven in a cab by a non Muslim. They almost always either immigrated from Somalia, Kenya, or Morroco. Also, more specifically, I certainly have never been driven in a cab by celebrity, William Shatner. It would be cool though. And last but not least, despite how much fun I think I am, my cabbies hate it when I reach for the radio and eject the tape of Middle Eastern flutes and and harps and change it to loud 1980's Biz Markie.

I need a defibrillator stat!!!

I barely know this chick other than her 5 second role she had in Wedding Crashers, but holy crap, Diora Baird is on fire and so are my Tighty Whities. A few things here. I don't know much about photography, but the person that took these pictures should be annointed as a Knight and a Saint simultaneously while his life's work replaces Michelangelo's in the Sistine Chapel. I've never been one to hyperbolize the tantalizing and hypnotic abilities of sexy women, but looking at this girl instantaneously makes the heat felt in my underpants rival that of Blue Hypergiant star at 40,000 degrees Kelvin.

The gift of both the teleprompter and humility...

The paperback version of Reid's book, "The Good Fight," is coming out May 5 with an epilogue called "The Obama Era." Reid said he was impressed when Obama, then a freshman senator from Illinois, delivered a speech about President George W. Bush's war policy.

Reid, D-Nev., writes: "'That speech was phenomenal, Barack,' I told him. And I will never forget his response. Without the barest hint of braggadocio or conceit, and with what I would describe as deep humility, he said quietly: 'I have a gift, Harry.'"

When I read this I thought it might be sensationalized by a Republican, but then I noticed it was Harry Reid, so I knew it had to be true. Political ideologies aside, this guy can't say anything about Bush being arrogant. Despite the nauseating feeling I get when I read stories like this, this one kind of makes me laugh. Reid saying "Obama replied without without the barest hint of braggadocio or conceit..." Seriiously? No conceit? I don't know about you, but that's not exactly how I would describe this incident.

Tebow, stick to winning national championships and circumcizing.

As projected, Stafford was taken number one overall and signs a deal worth 14 gazillion dollars on Saturday to lead a winless Detroit team into mediocrity. Meanwhile, Tebow was tweeting to Mel Kiper Jr about how strong his arm had gotten over the off season. For those Florida homers that talk about how Tebow will be a great NFL QB because look at what he's done at Florida and...blah blah blah, here are a few points:

1. Florida lines up 5 wide and Tebow works from the shotgun.
2. He throws parabolas to gifted athletes that simply run under them.
3. Their offense relies on superior athletes to make moves off slants, picks and misdirection.
4. He never throws to spots on timing routes.
5. He never throws 15-20 yard outs because his arm strength doesn't support them.

What most average college football fans see is Tebow being a gifted athlete and a gifted leader...which he is. They see him going 11-14 with 330 yards passing in a 40point blow out victory. What they don't see is Chase Daniel and Graham Harrell not even being drafted. They were BIG-12 gunslingers. They have the ability to throw the ball 40 times a game with uncanny accuracy, but still, not one team took a chance on them. What does this say for Tim Tebow? Well, I think it means he better start playing defense or tight end if he wants a career in the NFL. I'm not saying I think Stafford will be the end-all-be-all, because he won't. He plays for the Lions, but I am saying that NFL teams have spent years identifying the skill set that promotes success in the NFL. If Stafford is considered a number 1 pick overall and Harrell and Daniel are undrafted, then I have to believe Tebow's dream of becoming an NFL QB is about as promising as Percy Harvin passing his drug tests during his rookie season.

Clock is ticking for LA's NFL team...formerly known as the Jacksonville Jaguars

If you were to own an NFL franchise and your number 1 goal, above all else, was to embarrasss yourself by wasting first round picks by drafting physical ineptitude, players with no moral compasses unless it points them to drugs, make a habit of highly overpaying underrated unproven players, release great physical defensive players, and therefore, ultimately run a once intimidating and decent team in to the ground, then you would be the owner and/or GM of the Jacksonville Jaguars. The only way I can describe these new jerseys that are supposed to re-establish identity, would be to imagine going to the movies and instead of eating all day, you just drink like three of the huge blue raspberry ICEES. Then out in the parking lot, plagued by nausea, you vomit it all up on the ground and say, "Wow...wouldn't it be awesome if our jerseys looked like this?" Well...congrats cause they do, but it's far from awesome. The mystery moron that decided the teal jerseys are trumping the intimidating black jerseys, has obviously lost his marbles because nothing screams I'm a soft, fun loving pet jaguar like teal. New studies show in fact, with statistical significance, that teal is just below mauve and magenta for least intimidating color among homosexual men.

Pretty safe to say any chance of a future political career is over

Nicole Marty, a 25 year old from Long Island was arrested after she got stoned out of her mind, got in her car, and played chicken with a light pole. To top off her pathetic, insufferable life, her 9-year-old was in the passenger seat. After she was arrested for DUI (marijuana), Nicole gave a cop the beat down at the hospital. Nothing screams white trash skank like crashing your car while high on pot with your kid in the car. Oh yeah, did you catch that her kid is nine and she's 25? Why didn't she just have her kid drive her home? I guess if you're gonna get booked, this has to be one of the best mugshots of all time. Well played Nicole. Well played.

It's a long way from the top...

When I think about the last year of Lindsay Lohan's life, I start to feel a little like that Native American in the 1980's anti-litter commercial with the single tear streaming down his cheek. Don't get me wrong, I revel the hoopla of her poor decisions, but it just seems almost impossible to go from being regarded as one of the world's most sought after females, to completely and utterly irrelevant. I guess when you spend your 20's snorting massive amounts of cocaine, drinking more Vodka than Mickey Mantle, and having penises poke and prod you from every possible angle, this is what your body turns into. At one point, you could google Lindsay Lohan and get pictures of voluptuous, young, sexy, rather innocent redhead. Now, all you get when you Google Lindsay Lohan are pictures you confuse with saggy, breastfeeding African women in the latest issue of National Geographic.

I hate Beyonce more than AIDS.

I've been a little out of the loop this week due to focusing most of my efforts on feeding the hungry, knitting malaria nets for east African children and rescuing remote Amazonian villages from giant flesh eating Scarab beetles, but that being said, you know there's no way I could miss an opportunity to expose my arch nemesis, Fatonce Knowles. I was made aware of this recording Tuesday from a Sirius radio subscriber, who happens to be married to me, but I just simply haven't had the time to properly address this video and do my part to humiliate her and prove to the world that she has less talent than Lil Rounds. I knew it was bad because I had been warned, but nothing could've prepared me for the butcher job Crisco Knowles did of this already stolen song. I seriously have never heard anything performed this poorly. No, seriously, anything. Like for instance, one time in high school someone performing the National Anthem before a basketball game tried to hit the "red glare" note, but his voice cracked down like three octaves and his face was the only red glare in the room, but that still sounded like Luciano Pavarotti compared to this garbage. I know her "camp," whatever the hell that means, has already tried to do damage control on why she doesn't have the physical abilities to carry a tune, yet still manages to sell millions of records probably due to a note corrector; but honestly, Yahweh himself could appear in human form next to me on the couch right now in an attempt to further convince me she's good and there's still no way I would buy the excuses they're trying to sell me. This girl is an absolutely wretched singer and a horrible actress with a fake horse mane and huge gelatinous, cottage cheese thighs. No one on Earth would ever want to hear this pitiful attempt at music again, but if you were forced, and I mean forced as in a gun to your offspring's head, to recreate this musical magic, the only way it would be possible, would be to somehow bottle the mating shrieks of the Pygmy Tarsier and mix it with the hearing ability of Marlee Matlin and Helen Keller.

Kinda Scary...

Many of you may have seen this, but I felt compelled because I think the growth rate of technology throughout the world during this decade alone, is truly fascinating.

Irrelevance personified ^2

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There are so any things that will piss you off about this video. If there aren't, simply put, you're more left than Warren Spahn. I don't care what your political affiliation is, but to say that Tea Party protesters are racists rednecks demonstrating their hatred for a black President, is just plain out stupidity. Janeane Garofalo has made only one movie in her life...or something like that. Anyway, my point is that she can't get work at all in Hollywood worth writing about besides a right leaned TV show, 24. Her radio show on Air America failed. The Truth About Cats and Dogs showed her as a desirable hetero-feminine-female love interest. To give you an idea of just how hard it is for Ms Garofalo to find work, I'll just give you a list of few people that she's "starring" with in her upcoming movies:

Lindsay Lohan
Soleil Moon Frye
Chad Allen
Jenna Elfman

Sadly, that list of co-stars isn't from a 1989 version of teen beat magazine. Garofalo is simply irrelevant and her fatuous incendiary
rhetoric is unsupported and irresponsible. It's a little funny to me though. This whole segment on the failure of the Tea Parties, to me, only ensures just how wildly successful they were. In Atlanta, the protest was huge and there were a lot of minorities. Chicago, the protest was large and again, quite diverse with both parties and ethnicites. The main cause for concern with Garofalo's appearance on that politically socialist/narcassist's show COUNTDOWN, was just that, her appearance. Just when you think you couldn't become less attracted to someone of the opposite sex, Garofalo's etiolated, sinewy, lipoatrophic face shone itself and refused to surrender back to her dungeon dwelling coffin. If Garofalo needs a Hollywood revival, which she does(see aformentioned co-Stars), she should think about playing a grandmother in the remaining Twighlight movies. The sheer pulchtritude of her tranluscent skin and overall predatory and life-blood stealing outlook on life and political ideologies would make her a perfect fit for those roles. Good night and good luck. Oh yeah, Olbermann, your ratings really suck, but I'm sure you knew that.

Puhlease, dude your girlfriend weighs 109 and she's a bigger badass than you.

Well let me be the first to congratulate you, you self entitled, 17 year old, arrogant prick. Someone please post a Twitter for this little boy to remind him he's only popular with straight girls under 15 and gay boys over 16. Hey, kid, only blind people wear sunglasses indoors. It doesn't make your 146...scratch that...135...scratch that...124 pound frame seem more "badass," nor does it make you seem untouchably more famous. It simply makes you seem more like the insufferable dickweed that you are. The sad thing is that you're starring alongside Matthew Perry, whom everyone had simply forgotten, in a movie that's been remade like 2,000 times, yet still you can't find one ounce of humility and graciousness to remove your glasses and refrain from giving the "birdie" like all other immature A-Holes do in pictures...not to mention how annoying your played out Modern Amusement T-shirt is with your clingy, please photogragh me with my famous, number one movie in America boyfriend Zac Efron--I'll even take my clothes off for fame girlfriend. If buying a ticket to your movie was forced upon me, I would rather drown myself in my father's rental house septic tank.

Hear come the Men In Black!!!

I don't know what to make of this picture except for the fact that if I were their 6 year old son, I would call the FBI demanding to speak to the MEN IN Black because there's no way in 31 hells these two are from this solar system. You could try to think of two more ill equipped human beings in the beauty game of life and the closest you could come would be to think of naked 88 year olds playing badmitton. The fact that these two are Hollywood stars says all you need to know about Hollywood. I would rather have hot rusty nails shoved up my urethra than be subjected to either of these moron's contributions to the arts.

This one dates a footballer, Jame, and I hate him too.

Cheryl Tweedy went out in leather/spandex pants and did what she does best...look ridonkulously hot. Girls like this don't date normal guys. They date footballers. I know "soccer" players in the US are usually the borderline retarded kids running around on the field because early on, you don't even really have to have vital signs in order to feel part of the action; however, appararently footballers are like Lancelot or Achilles in Europe; mythical creatures of bravery and beauty sent to rid the world of all available, beautiful, European women. The fact that this guy landed Cheryl Cole is truly light years beyond my comprehension. Damn you Chelsea! Damn You!

Admittedly old news, but what an amazing story.

Susan Boyle, from some place in Britain, was a contestant on Britain's Got Talent, Simon Cowell's other show. You've probably seen this video since it's everywhere, but if you haven't, you owe it to yourself to watch this amazing talent perform and cause your hair to stand up all over your body. She probably can't count how many times in her life she's had doors closed in her face simply because of her appearance. I, myself, was cynical too, but it truly is a great story.

Susan Boyle on Britain's Got Talent
Uploaded by dwarthy

Sea Donkeys exhibit convergent evolution

Seeing this rare amphibious species in the wild is a true anomoly. It's like seeing a Liger, the Sasquatch, the Lochness Monster, or the giant squid. I attribute its sighting to three things. One, I'm an insanely talented photographer. Two, to being both notorious and very lucky. And three, as you can see, this seadonkey-like species has evolved indepently of common primates, yet walks upright, is pentadactyl, and even eats and drinks without the heard. Although mating habits are unknown, it appears human in basic morphology, but neneath the surface this is an animal completely unpredictable and very dangerous as it uses its massive, gargantuan size to ram, bully, most assuredly kill other members of the herd much like a Hippo. This rare and dangerous creature is a true evolutionary enigma to scientists everywhere. I am a lover of all of God's creatures, but this is like trying to identify a three toed sloth, the monkfish, Almiqui, Ayer-ayer, The Philippine Tarsier, and last but certainly not least, the The Star-Nosed Mole all mixed together...it's almost humanly impossible. Binomial Nomenclature can only take you so far. Thanks for nothing Carlos Linnaeus. My vote for the most hideous nightmare inducing creature of 2009...the seadonkey...by a country mile.

Umm...Mr Hogan...you're gonna need to come with us and answer a few questions regarding the location of your wife's head.

In a recent interview with Rolling Stone Magazine, Hulk Hogan brags about how well he dealt with his wife kicking him out and blowing his money.

Page Six reports,

"[Brother]I could have turned everything into a crime scene, like OJ [brother], cutting everybody's throat," he told the magazine. "You live half a mile from the 20,000-square-foot home you can't go to anymore[brother], you're driving through downtown Clearwater and see a 19-year-old boy driving your Escalade[brother], and you know that a 19-year-old boy is sleeping in your bed, with your wife [brother]. . . I totally understand OJ[brother]. I get it."

Hulk Hogan might have gone a little far with this one. Making jokes about slicing and dicing your ex-wife isn't too funny anymore. America is really ultra-sensitive to brutal murders and decapitation. You can't even joke anymore about genocide, murder, rape, or child molestation. What's wrong with this country? Where is your sense of humor?

Also, on a side note, Hogan really didn't say "brother" 5 times during his interview. I added that, but it would be cool if that's how it really went down.

Swimsuit inventor undoubtedly had Kelly in mind.

Many of you that don't obsess, hanker, and thirst for female celebrities like I do, might not know Kelly Brook. Too bad for you is all I have to say. If you haven't been introduced, people, this is Kelly Ann Parsons Brook. She, too, is an abysmal actress, starring only in movies that require her to minimalize her clothing's coverage area; moreover, she's dated actor Jason Statham and was engaged to Billy Zane, the creepy guy from Dead Calm and Titanic, for nearly five years. Really, all of this is completely pointless because if you're a straight guy, there's absolutely no way you looked at the pictures above and were able to concentrate on anything else besides how perfectly her body was designed to fit into swimsuits. Seriously, Gary and Wyatt from Weird Science, couldn't have manufactured Lisa to be more punishingly desirable to people of the opposite sex than this girl. Once again, I'm reminded how much I loathe European football players and their ability to steal my potential future ex-girlfriends.

Heidi gets knocked up...

Heidi Klum is pregnant again, as reported by Enews and me. We are very happy and wish that you would respect our privacy during this very exciting time.

Could there be anybody more irrelevant?

JLH


I use initials because I physically don't have the effort to type her name out. Despite taking off her weight vest and slimming down to a size 8-10(cough)I mean size 2, she couldn't be more forgotten. I used to like her in 1998 for like 28 minutes...but now, well now, I can't even remember who I'm writing about. What were we talking about?

Jessica Simpson


The ultimate evidence that, whether admittedly or not, men and their love of breasts control the world. There is not one ounce of talent redemption in this girl. She essentially became famous for being a "hot girl fantasy" for men that dream of a pin up body on a girl too naive and stupid to know whether she's alive or dead. I used to say she's stupid like a fox, but then I saw her try to be a pop singer, then an actress, then a country singer. Babe, Chestica, stick with what you're good at doing. PSSST! (whispering) it's not singing or acting. If she didn't date Tony Romo and have ginormous jugs with an IQ of DD...I mean 14, she might actually be swallowed up by a zero gravity blackhole. I'm not a prognosticator, but if I had to guess, Romo will be as likely to marry Jessica as any man is to marry Jennifer Aniston.

Jessica Alba


Jessica Alba ruined the hopes and dreams for desperate men all over the world when she decided to marry some dude I've never heard of before. I've actually tried to like Alba, but I just can't quite drink the Kool-Aid. The best performance she's ever given was in Sin City. Primarily because she played a stripper in leather. Secondarily, because her thespian skillset leaves alot to be desired and luckily for us, she had like 2.21234 lines in the whole movie. I would mention Fantastic Four, but you wouldn't even know what in the hell I was talking about since no one saw it, and if you did, you've hopefully, with massive amounts of medication, regulated your seizures from watching Alba's performances in that adapted comic strip series. I'm not sure what she offers anymore...or perhaps ever did.

Lindsay Lohan


Practiced drunk, coke head, lesbian, fornicator, freckle producer, movie success annihilator, relationship assassin--What else could I possibly add to this? Even Lindsay's own mother, Dina Lohan, who sucks everything good and pure out of life on this earth, is ashamed of her. Her hideously ugly DJ girlfriend, who ironically, was made famous by Lindsay, I think, dumped her, changed the locks, and contemplated a restraining order. When you make someone famous by having sex with them, you know you're famous. When you win two consecutive Razzie awards, you're dead broke, and you're drinking your liver into toxic shock because SaMANtha Ronson, the girl you made famous by having sex with, broke up with you, changed the locks on her house, and contemplated a restraining order, you know you're painfully unfamous.

Katherine Heigl


I remember back in 1994 when My Father the Hero came out with that weird French guy with the bulbous penis shaped nose, I thought Katherine Heigl was dreamy. Then, as I grew into my adolescence and young adulthood, she struck again in the action packed sequel Under Seige 2. Looking back on the Under Seige and Speed movies, I feel I've had the wool pulled over my eyes. How stupid or high was I to willing suspend my disbelief and accept that two characters could be hijacked twice in their lifetimes. I digress. Anyway, Katherine Heigl has the audacity to have her career revived by Gray's Anatomy, leading to being cast as the lead in several blockbuster movies like Knocked Up and 27 Dresses; yet she continuously bashes the production crew of Gray's, openly criticizing its writers and producers, always walks around the streets looking haggard and homely while smoking. She said that she doesn't know if she'll return to the show so she can devote more time to her movie career. Gray's producers have retaliated by being hush hush about the future of her annoying and repulsive character, Izzie. They've hinted that they may kill off her character this year especially with her recent melanoma diagnosis. Since then, Katherine's proverbial tune has changed, stating that if the producers will "have" her back, she would absolutely return. Honestly, please kill this broad. Not only do I want her to die of Melanoma, I want her to get dillusions of parasitosis, tertiary syphilis, and esophageal genital warts, as she spends the remaining few months of her emaciating life begging for assisted suicide. Was that too harsh? Maybe a little.

Honorable Mentions:
Cameron Diaz
Kelly Ripa
Jessica Biel

Everything I read makes my blood boil.

OPEC again revised down its estimate for world crude demand on Wednesday, saying a "devasting contraction" in consumption would keep prices under pressure in the months ahead.

It said "vigilant monitoring is essential" ahead of the cartel's next meeting at the end of May at which some members are expected to push for further output cuts to help support prices.

"World oil demand is already out of its high demand seasonality achieving nothing but devastating contraction," OPEC said.

Devastaing contraction?...decreasing prices?...less power and control for Middle Eastern tyrants?...World oil demand is out of its high?...pardon me if I can't extrapolate all of these economic models and differential equations on supply chain economics in oil vs non oil commodities, but it seems like to me that of the countries that make up OPEC, namely, Algeria, Angola, Ecuador, Iran, Iraq, Kuwait, Libya, Nigeria, Qatar, Saudi Arabia, the United Arab Emirates, and Venezuela, I couldn't pick out one country that wants to see America thriving. We have positioned ourselves throughout the world by joining organizations that hate us and our way of life (UN, OPEC). Why do we need these people or groups one would ask? Well, I'm asking too. Why?

Janet Napolitano is a person of ZERO character or moral integrity

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano said she was briefed before the release of a controversial intelligence assessment and that she stands by the report sent to law enforcement that lists veterans as a terrorist risk to the U.S. and defines "rightwing extremism" as including groups opposed to abortion and immigration.

Veterens? Are you kidding me? America should demand for Janet Napolitano's resignation. If she wants extremism, let her continue to denigrate the people that have spilled their blood and guts on battlefields all over this world for not only the safety and security of this stupid broad and other Americans, but also to protect and ensure liberty to our allies and others. To insult Veterens at a time when the men and women coming home maimed and dismembered are considered the lucky ones, is the most shameful and appalling thing I have ever heard spoken by a member of our Government. I am disgusted, embarrassed, and furious as hell for the heroes of this country that have trampled through the jungles of Asia, stormed the beaches of Normandy, fought through the sandy wastelands of both gulf wars, lost their lives battling Japanese Imperialism in Hawaii, stormed selflessly up the stairs of those burning buildings, and navigated the unforgiving moutains of Afghanistan against a cowardice faceless enemy. All so people, even the stupid arrogant ones like this, can stand up in defiance of the country that has provided them so much. If I have to be warned about Veterens as possible terrorists, please save the stamp Homeland Security, because with true enemies like the Islmaic extremists out there, I like my odds with these heroes in my corner.

God Bless our Veterens and thank you for my freedoms.

CNN field reporter creates more unneeded problems for CNN.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but if your job is to give unbiased news, you shouldn't be born Susan Roesgen. This inept reporter showed up to a Tea Party Protest with a chip on her shoulder regarding the abysmal rating CNN has been getting and the popularity of citizens actually trying to take back their country from the stealing hands of socialistic Democrats. I'm realistic. I think both networks are probably equally biased in opposition; however, if you're an executive for CNN and you're sitting in your Manhattan penthouse pondering why and how ratings are where they are and meanwhile your field reporter states on camera that the crowd is anti-Government, anti-CNN, and promoted by the right wing, conservative network, Fox, you've got your answer. If you were trying to deny that you are the liberal, left wing network, you can blame Susan for letting the cat out of the bag. The secret is out pal.

I dont even know where to take this...

JACKSONVILLE, FL -- Police in Jacksonville are searching for some crooks who robbed a couple of their Popeye's Chicken.

A young mother, who was just leaving her shift after closing up the restaurant at a Popeye's Chicken in Jacksonville, says she was followed home by four men in a burgundy Pontiac sedan. According to authorities, the men drove by several times, yelling at the victim and her boyfriend saying, "give us the chicken."

The victims ignored them and kept walking back to their house thinking they were gone. But the suspects came back.

Police say the passenger got out of the car with a shotgun and yelled "you know what time it is. Give it up." The man ordered the victim to put down the chicken or else get shot.

The gunman then allegedly pointed the barrel at the victim and that's when her boyfriend pleaded and begged, telling the suspect the she is two months pregnant.

Police say after they were on the ground the gunmen stole the victim's purse, and as he was walking away, they say they could hear the other suspects in the car yelling to "blast him."

The victim says she had just gotten paid at work and was going to spend the cash for her five-year-old daughter whose birthday is on Saturday.

Ok this (holding laughter in) is a sad story, I guess. It seems people living in the greatest city on the Earth decided to get their newly bought chicken jacked. Honestly, an incident like this happening in Jacksonville does surprise me, shockingly, because I would have totally expected anyone with enough money to eat out at a restaurant, would've picked another place, with, you know, more mounted fish and mammals, bulletin boards of patron's catches/kills/recent Daytona 500 pics, and the restaurant's pet alligator named ALBERT. The creativity and style sense of Florida rednecks are unparalleled.

Somebody has a murderer's thumb.

It seems Megan Fox is a rare autosomal dominant genetic anomally...and no, it's not her breasts. Despite everyone's complete and total obsession with this girl and her body, it's not that to which I refer. Instead, it's the Potter's Thumb, Murderer's Thumb, or in severe cases, Brachydactyly Type D. Although this doesn't mean anything in the scheme of human mortality or development, I just think it's fun to point out my amazing Oracle at Delphi-esque foresight and ability to point out the inadequacies of celebrities that spend their entire, empty, self-loathing lives being told how gorgeous and perfect they are. 1 in 1000, mostly girls, hasve a Murderer's thumb. The nickname started by laws in other cultures allowing sticks no bigger than the thumb to be used to beat their wives. Everyone was going great in the land of spousal stick-swinging, ass-whooping abuse until a man with this genetic abnormality picked a big ass stick up that matched his thumb thickness and he proceeded to beat her to death. The other thing is that they look really strange. Almost like E.T. If the end glowed, you could be an awesome movie finger puppet...no makeup.

Manic Depression will ensue...

If you've ever owned a dog, especially a stubborn, vivacious, loving, insanely hungry, protective, head strong, bark-when-your-boss-calls-when-you-should-be-at-work, ruin-your-furniture, chew-the-fake-ficus-tree-knock-it-over-and-urinate-on-it, eat-sago-palm-seeds-and-poison-your-liver-3,000 dollars in blood transfusions later, consume-a-complete-bag-of-energy-bars-while-we're-at-work, expert swimming, has-more-personality-than-its-owners, beautiful, perfect one, like I do, then you owe it yourself to watch this movie. For those of you that know me and know my dog, this sums up my my wife's and my life. Based on the epic, tearful, sadness that followed this movie, you might have to commit me when the time comes to make "that" decision.

We're losing our country.

Obama needs nearly 84 Billion more dollars for fighting the Global Contengency Plan or whatever. The scary thing is that Obama, since his inauguration, has proposed more budget dollars than has ever been proposed in the history of our country combined. This shouldd scare everyone. Our President has no intentions of repaying this money. He wants complete and total individualism implosion and government dependency. 40,000 of New York City's 8,000,000 people are responsible for nearly 80% of the city's total operating budget; moreover, the percentage who approve of capitalism in the latest Rasmussen poll (53%) is very close to the percentage of the population that pays (or belongs to a family that pays) any federal income tax (as of 2006, 59%). Indeed, since the top 50% paid more than 97% of all federal income collected in 2006, it is safe to say that the proportion who support capitalism, as opposed to socialism, is almost identical in size to the percentage of Americans who earn enough actual income to pay material income taxes. If you're too stupid to understand this, I'll summarize. If you don't pay taxes, why wouldn't you want to be taken care of by our Government? For nearly 200 years, this country was the the technology, military, humanitarian superpower becaue of its capitalistic ideals. Capitalism inherently breeds competition and prosperity. Will certain people that don't strive to achieve suffer? Of course, but everyone, and I mean everyone, regardless of race, background, broken homes, religion, sexual orientation, has a chance to achieve greatness. Punishing this achievement, apologizing for America, and denigrating capitalism is all that our President does these days. If people don't wake up and realize that what has made this country great, is exactly what our leader, our President, is trying to eradicate, we're all doomed for statism mediocrity.

Barney Frank should be prosecuted.

Nick Adenhart 1986-2009

In just his 4th career start, Nick Adenhart pitched 6 scoreless innings Wednesday night in his first start since being sent back to the minors last year. Hours after his best career pitching outing, he was the victim of an auto accident in which he lost his life in his 22nd year. The driver of the vehicle that struck Adenhart's car was under the influence of alcohol and fled the scene of the accident on foot. He was later arrested and charged with felony hit and run. Adenhart was a 14th round selection out of high school by the Anaheim Angels. An organization that prides itself on personal responsibility and integrity has praised Adenhart's character. If you had the honor of watching Sportscenter Thursday night, you know the kind of organization the Angels run from top to bottom.

Nick Adenhart
1986-2009

It's official...armageddon is eminent.

Beyonce "Fake Hair," "No Talent," "Fatonce," "Thunder Thighs," "Self Proclaimed Diva," is reported by US magazine to have earned a whopping 80 million dollars this year. In a related story, Satan takes over Heaven while Obama gets re-elected and I cut off my genitals with a soup spoon.

President Obama is ready for a new start with Muslims...perfect.

This week in Turkey, President Obama did all but apologize to the world for our bullying reputation, and for America being attacked on 9-11 by Islamic terrorists. He said America is poised for a new start for Muslims around the world. Am I the only one that thinks the Muslim world should seek a new start with America? Where in the hell did we find this guy? Bowing to Islamic leaders, apologizing for being attacked by Islamic terrorists? I am growing very very tired of this.


This seems like tolerance at its very best.


Removing the clitoris of young Muslim women. I want to how anti-American liberals can justify this one.


Encouraging chidren to kill infidels. President Obama, this is a group of people with which you can totally negotiate.


Kill Israel and the USA...please wake me up in four years.

Hey White House, I'm not as stupid as the people that voted you in office...

The White House knows how big of a pile our President stepped in this week when he blatantly bowed to the Saudi Arabian King Abdullah at the G-20 meeting in London. They immediately started damage control saying, and I paraphrase, that President Obama partook in a two handed shake with King Abdullah, but was much taller, and therefore, had to lean down. White House...are you shitting me? That's actually not even a euphemism. I mean, seriously, are you trying to shit on me? I know most of the people that elected our President are dumb enough to believe this caca, but I myself, I'm actually capable of viewing a video and understanding what actually happened. Our President bowed to the king of a country that perpetuates and sensationalizes Islamic terrorism. Hey Mrs. Michelle Obama, I know what you mean, because this week, I've never been more ashamed to be a citizen of the United States of America.

Minnesotans will regret the hell out of this one

Minnesota citizens went out in droves this past winter and apparently confused their hatred for the winter weather, with their hatred for themselves and basically elected Al Freakin Franken. This is beyond electing an inexperienced socialist rookie Senator from Illinois for President. This guy has never produced an articulate thought. He's failed at every endeavor since SNL and even that's arguable. Air America, The Franken Factor...bankrupt...hence the liberal's proposed Fairness Doctrine which is wildly unconstitutional, but that's neither here nor there. Nonetheless, Franken's lead is now 312 votes out of 2.9 million. It would take an act of God for this not to come to fruition. Despite my dear friends from Minnesota, I have to say, excluding them, the citizens of Minnesota get what they deserve. They'll get six years of this screw up. If America can withstand the next four years, I think things will change dramatically. If they don't, then you can surmise that what I've prophosized about, regarding the populous voting themselves the treasury, has arrived. In that case, this is all futile and I'll see you at the Welfare office because we're all working for nothing. Why would I bust my ass for my government to take it from me. Doctors, lawyers, executives...from each according to their ability, to each according to their need. This isn't propaganda people. This is the grim reality of the citizens of Minnesota and the United States of America.

Obama's approach is brilliant.

Sure Mr President...I think you're absolutely right. We're poised for a fresh start with Muslims around the world.

Obama spends his time denigrating America...never heard Presidents do that.

President Obama spent his time during his recent trip to Turkey slamming America and it's selfish, capitalistic predatory burden it places on the rest of the world. He ended his trip touring an Istanbul mosque and spoke about America being poised for a fresh start with Muslims around the world:

"Despite its flaws and past mistakes, the United States is poised for a fresh start with Muslims and the rest of the world."

Wow. Thanks Mr President. This is exactly what I expected from you. If this is your foreign policy strategy, I want a refund. Why don't you just apologize for 9-11. Obama's kind words for his beloved country didn't just stop with Islamic terrorism diplomacy. He went on to say we're also to blame for the world's economic crisis:

"Peoples and countries, through no fault of their own, are being very hard hit by the world economic crisis."

Through no fault of their own...does that mean since it wasn't your fault is was America's fault? Who side are you on Mr President. Seriously, are people not even listening to this guy? He loves nothing about America. Nothing. I am absolutely sick and tired of America being our President's whipping boy. What kind of leader fuels anarchy, discontent and nihilism? Are we to apologize for terrorism? Are we to apologize for being the world's financial leader and job creator? Mr President, what is it you like about this country? I'm getting very sick of the way you talk about my country.

If you're locked in an inept Government school, I would suggest you put down The Scarlett Letter and Hamlet, and instead pick up Atlas Shrugged and Catch-22. You can thank me later. Consider them your survival guides for the next 25 years.

Bawney Fwank is gweat at dodgeball.

This Harvard student completely OWNS this lying, holier-than-thou, pitiful joke of a public servant. The fact that this guy spends five minutes talking, yet doesn't address the initial question should tell you all you need to know about this guy and his involvement of the financial crisis. This guy couldn't get elected for Student Council, yet he's chairman of the Finance Committee? Give me a flippin break.

Like a moth to the flame...

Nothing she or you can do will prevent you from completely loving this chick. Honestly, this is the most charming beautiful celebrity in the history of the world. I would pay 2,000,000 dollars, give both my testicles to charity, and kick a dog all for a chance to be hungry for pizza this particular day in Santa Monica. I'm warning you that if you don't have time to watch the whole video, don't start it because once you do, it's completely impossible to turn away. Honest.

Madonna's beauty is effortless.

Madonna is somewhere in the nighborhood of 92 years old and time hasn't been good to her. I guess when you spend your life having male reproductive organs pummel you, this is how you're left. I don't know what it is about Madonna, but it seems that she's such a parasitic life force that even her friends, Gwyneth Paltrow, who is considerably younger, is also starting to be betrayed by time. This is Madonna's latest photo for the cover of some magazine that no one would've bought anyway. Afterall, this is 2009. If I see words printed on paper, I get violently ill. Print news and media is completely irrelavent...just like Madonna. When you suck too bad to adopt a baby in Africa, you're like a mixture of Ivan the Terrible, Jeff Dahmer, and Satan. I've actually heard of domesticated American animals adopting babies from Africa. Anyway, if this pre-photoshopped dragon lady came to my village and stepped into my hut, I would light myself on fire with a blowtorch while I sent my brother for the local village witch doctor.

Standing next to Heidi makes everyone instantly ugly.

I know Marisa Miller is hot. I get it. Trust me, I do, but I just don't understand all the fuss about this girl. I mean, yeah, she's "All-American-California-Cheryl Tiegs-Christie Brinkley hot," but not by any stretch of the imagination is she in Heidi Klum's category. First of all, Heidi was born in 1973--Marisa in 1978. Since model years are like dog years, maybe worse, that difference equals ~10 years...just trust me it's a difficult and very complex calculus derivative measuring many variables. The point is quite simple though. Heidi Klum is not to compared to silly amateurish wannabe supermodels like Gisele "THE MAN" Bundchen, and Marisa "I Love Melanoma" Miller. Women as hot as her are only born once every 9,000 years. To fully understand the essence of beauty and rarity that is Heidi Klum, it would take a 40 year fellowship in philosophy from Socrates and Plato, a PhD in Astronomy from MIT, and 25 years in a maximum security facility for Felony Stalking.