Fine line between bravery and insanity.

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You can't make this stuff up...

BISMARCK, N.D. — A North Dakota mother has pleaded not guilty to child neglect after prosecutors alleged she was drunk while breast-feeding her 6-week-old baby.

Prosecutor Carmell Mattison says alcohol was not the only factor in the felony charge against 27-year-old Stacey Anvarinia, who appeared in court Monday. She is free on bond.

Mattison says the mother "wasn't in a position to care for the child properly."

Anvarinia was arrested Feb. 13 after police answered a domestic disturbance call at her Grand Forks home. The prosecutor said officers witnessed Anvarinia breast-feeding the baby and asked her to stop because she was intoxicated.

Her attorney David Ogren says no blood test was taken and the charge could be difficult to prove.

Getting liquored up and breast feeding is in competition for worst thing ever done while trying to be a parent. Then again though, this child was born and forced to live in North Dakota. That alone should be grounds for getting your child taken from you. I know the six people from N Dakota are going to be pissed, but I seriously can't think of one redeeming quality of that state. I would rather live anywhere than there. Seriously, anywhere...even Jacksonville Florida. I digress, as usual. The point of this rambling attempt at a coherent thought was to point out that if you're gonna pull out your breast and let your future chronically unemployed, obese, government dependent, live-in till 40, offspring chug milk off your nipple like a baby calf, don't be hammered when you do. Cops hate that.

**I apologize if you find the above photo offensive, but I found it way too funny not to post it.

Something seems different, but I can't put my finger on it...

I used to like Matt, but it seems lately he's just a self indulgent narcissist. His accent has only seem to worsen. He does more HGH than Barry Bonds. His arms are three times shorter than a T-Rex's. His teeth will blind you with their whiteness yet he claims he doesn't bleach them. He is constantly wrapping bandanas around his head, riping off his shirt in front of the paparazzi, and doing pointless stretches and yoga moves on the beach. It just seems like he's making too much of an effort. You know those video games in the bar where you're given two seemingly identical pictures and you have to pick out the subtle differences between the two? Well, I've been staring at these pictures for three hours and for the life of me, I can't seem to find the differences between these two.

This seems vaguely familiar.

While sadly there are many things about this commercial that parallel my life, there are a few things that couldn't be more inaccurate. Like for instance, I've never been driven in a cab by a non Muslim. They almost always either immigrated from Somalia, Kenya, or Morroco. Also, more specifically, I certainly have never been driven in a cab by celebrity, William Shatner. It would be cool though. And last but not least, despite how much fun I think I am, my cabbies hate it when I reach for the radio and eject the tape of Middle Eastern flutes and and harps and change it to loud 1980's Biz Markie.

I need a defibrillator stat!!!

I barely know this chick other than her 5 second role she had in Wedding Crashers, but holy crap, Diora Baird is on fire and so are my Tighty Whities. A few things here. I don't know much about photography, but the person that took these pictures should be annointed as a Knight and a Saint simultaneously while his life's work replaces Michelangelo's in the Sistine Chapel. I've never been one to hyperbolize the tantalizing and hypnotic abilities of sexy women, but looking at this girl instantaneously makes the heat felt in my underpants rival that of Blue Hypergiant star at 40,000 degrees Kelvin.

The gift of both the teleprompter and humility...

The paperback version of Reid's book, "The Good Fight," is coming out May 5 with an epilogue called "The Obama Era." Reid said he was impressed when Obama, then a freshman senator from Illinois, delivered a speech about President George W. Bush's war policy.

Reid, D-Nev., writes: "'That speech was phenomenal, Barack,' I told him. And I will never forget his response. Without the barest hint of braggadocio or conceit, and with what I would describe as deep humility, he said quietly: 'I have a gift, Harry.'"

When I read this I thought it might be sensationalized by a Republican, but then I noticed it was Harry Reid, so I knew it had to be true. Political ideologies aside, this guy can't say anything about Bush being arrogant. Despite the nauseating feeling I get when I read stories like this, this one kind of makes me laugh. Reid saying "Obama replied without without the barest hint of braggadocio or conceit..." Seriiously? No conceit? I don't know about you, but that's not exactly how I would describe this incident.

Tebow, stick to winning national championships and circumcizing.

As projected, Stafford was taken number one overall and signs a deal worth 14 gazillion dollars on Saturday to lead a winless Detroit team into mediocrity. Meanwhile, Tebow was tweeting to Mel Kiper Jr about how strong his arm had gotten over the off season. For those Florida homers that talk about how Tebow will be a great NFL QB because look at what he's done at Florida and...blah blah blah, here are a few points:

1. Florida lines up 5 wide and Tebow works from the shotgun.
2. He throws parabolas to gifted athletes that simply run under them.
3. Their offense relies on superior athletes to make moves off slants, picks and misdirection.
4. He never throws to spots on timing routes.
5. He never throws 15-20 yard outs because his arm strength doesn't support them.

What most average college football fans see is Tebow being a gifted athlete and a gifted leader...which he is. They see him going 11-14 with 330 yards passing in a 40point blow out victory. What they don't see is Chase Daniel and Graham Harrell not even being drafted. They were BIG-12 gunslingers. They have the ability to throw the ball 40 times a game with uncanny accuracy, but still, not one team took a chance on them. What does this say for Tim Tebow? Well, I think it means he better start playing defense or tight end if he wants a career in the NFL. I'm not saying I think Stafford will be the end-all-be-all, because he won't. He plays for the Lions, but I am saying that NFL teams have spent years identifying the skill set that promotes success in the NFL. If Stafford is considered a number 1 pick overall and Harrell and Daniel are undrafted, then I have to believe Tebow's dream of becoming an NFL QB is about as promising as Percy Harvin passing his drug tests during his rookie season.

Clock is ticking for LA's NFL team...formerly known as the Jacksonville Jaguars

If you were to own an NFL franchise and your number 1 goal, above all else, was to embarrasss yourself by wasting first round picks by drafting physical ineptitude, players with no moral compasses unless it points them to drugs, make a habit of highly overpaying underrated unproven players, release great physical defensive players, and therefore, ultimately run a once intimidating and decent team in to the ground, then you would be the owner and/or GM of the Jacksonville Jaguars. The only way I can describe these new jerseys that are supposed to re-establish identity, would be to imagine going to the movies and instead of eating all day, you just drink like three of the huge blue raspberry ICEES. Then out in the parking lot, plagued by nausea, you vomit it all up on the ground and say, "Wow...wouldn't it be awesome if our jerseys looked like this?" Well...congrats cause they do, but it's far from awesome. The mystery moron that decided the teal jerseys are trumping the intimidating black jerseys, has obviously lost his marbles because nothing screams I'm a soft, fun loving pet jaguar like teal. New studies show in fact, with statistical significance, that teal is just below mauve and magenta for least intimidating color among homosexual men.

Pretty safe to say any chance of a future political career is over

Nicole Marty, a 25 year old from Long Island was arrested after she got stoned out of her mind, got in her car, and played chicken with a light pole. To top off her pathetic, insufferable life, her 9-year-old was in the passenger seat. After she was arrested for DUI (marijuana), Nicole gave a cop the beat down at the hospital. Nothing screams white trash skank like crashing your car while high on pot with your kid in the car. Oh yeah, did you catch that her kid is nine and she's 25? Why didn't she just have her kid drive her home? I guess if you're gonna get booked, this has to be one of the best mugshots of all time. Well played Nicole. Well played.

It's a long way from the top...

When I think about the last year of Lindsay Lohan's life, I start to feel a little like that Native American in the 1980's anti-litter commercial with the single tear streaming down his cheek. Don't get me wrong, I revel the hoopla of her poor decisions, but it just seems almost impossible to go from being regarded as one of the world's most sought after females, to completely and utterly irrelevant. I guess when you spend your 20's snorting massive amounts of cocaine, drinking more Vodka than Mickey Mantle, and having penises poke and prod you from every possible angle, this is what your body turns into. At one point, you could google Lindsay Lohan and get pictures of voluptuous, young, sexy, rather innocent redhead. Now, all you get when you Google Lindsay Lohan are pictures you confuse with saggy, breastfeeding African women in the latest issue of National Geographic.

I hate Beyonce more than AIDS.

I've been a little out of the loop this week due to focusing most of my efforts on feeding the hungry, knitting malaria nets for east African children and rescuing remote Amazonian villages from giant flesh eating Scarab beetles, but that being said, you know there's no way I could miss an opportunity to expose my arch nemesis, Fatonce Knowles. I was made aware of this recording Tuesday from a Sirius radio subscriber, who happens to be married to me, but I just simply haven't had the time to properly address this video and do my part to humiliate her and prove to the world that she has less talent than Lil Rounds. I knew it was bad because I had been warned, but nothing could've prepared me for the butcher job Crisco Knowles did of this already stolen song. I seriously have never heard anything performed this poorly. No, seriously, anything. Like for instance, one time in high school someone performing the National Anthem before a basketball game tried to hit the "red glare" note, but his voice cracked down like three octaves and his face was the only red glare in the room, but that still sounded like Luciano Pavarotti compared to this garbage. I know her "camp," whatever the hell that means, has already tried to do damage control on why she doesn't have the physical abilities to carry a tune, yet still manages to sell millions of records probably due to a note corrector; but honestly, Yahweh himself could appear in human form next to me on the couch right now in an attempt to further convince me she's good and there's still no way I would buy the excuses they're trying to sell me. This girl is an absolutely wretched singer and a horrible actress with a fake horse mane and huge gelatinous, cottage cheese thighs. No one on Earth would ever want to hear this pitiful attempt at music again, but if you were forced, and I mean forced as in a gun to your offspring's head, to recreate this musical magic, the only way it would be possible, would be to somehow bottle the mating shrieks of the Pygmy Tarsier and mix it with the hearing ability of Marlee Matlin and Helen Keller.

Kinda Scary...

Many of you may have seen this, but I felt compelled because I think the growth rate of technology throughout the world during this decade alone, is truly fascinating.

Irrelevance personified ^2

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There are so any things that will piss you off about this video. If there aren't, simply put, you're more left than Warren Spahn. I don't care what your political affiliation is, but to say that Tea Party protesters are racists rednecks demonstrating their hatred for a black President, is just plain out stupidity. Janeane Garofalo has made only one movie in her life...or something like that. Anyway, my point is that she can't get work at all in Hollywood worth writing about besides a right leaned TV show, 24. Her radio show on Air America failed. The Truth About Cats and Dogs showed her as a desirable hetero-feminine-female love interest. To give you an idea of just how hard it is for Ms Garofalo to find work, I'll just give you a list of few people that she's "starring" with in her upcoming movies:

Lindsay Lohan
Soleil Moon Frye
Chad Allen
Jenna Elfman

Sadly, that list of co-stars isn't from a 1989 version of teen beat magazine. Garofalo is simply irrelevant and her fatuous incendiary
rhetoric is unsupported and irresponsible. It's a little funny to me though. This whole segment on the failure of the Tea Parties, to me, only ensures just how wildly successful they were. In Atlanta, the protest was huge and there were a lot of minorities. Chicago, the protest was large and again, quite diverse with both parties and ethnicites. The main cause for concern with Garofalo's appearance on that politically socialist/narcassist's show COUNTDOWN, was just that, her appearance. Just when you think you couldn't become less attracted to someone of the opposite sex, Garofalo's etiolated, sinewy, lipoatrophic face shone itself and refused to surrender back to her dungeon dwelling coffin. If Garofalo needs a Hollywood revival, which she does(see aformentioned co-Stars), she should think about playing a grandmother in the remaining Twighlight movies. The sheer pulchtritude of her tranluscent skin and overall predatory and life-blood stealing outlook on life and political ideologies would make her a perfect fit for those roles. Good night and good luck. Oh yeah, Olbermann, your ratings really suck, but I'm sure you knew that.

Puhlease, dude your girlfriend weighs 109 and she's a bigger badass than you.

Well let me be the first to congratulate you, you self entitled, 17 year old, arrogant prick. Someone please post a Twitter for this little boy to remind him he's only popular with straight girls under 15 and gay boys over 16. Hey, kid, only blind people wear sunglasses indoors. It doesn't make your 146...scratch that...135...scratch that...124 pound frame seem more "badass," nor does it make you seem untouchably more famous. It simply makes you seem more like the insufferable dickweed that you are. The sad thing is that you're starring alongside Matthew Perry, whom everyone had simply forgotten, in a movie that's been remade like 2,000 times, yet still you can't find one ounce of humility and graciousness to remove your glasses and refrain from giving the "birdie" like all other immature A-Holes do in pictures...not to mention how annoying your played out Modern Amusement T-shirt is with your clingy, please photogragh me with my famous, number one movie in America boyfriend Zac Efron--I'll even take my clothes off for fame girlfriend. If buying a ticket to your movie was forced upon me, I would rather drown myself in my father's rental house septic tank.

Hear come the Men In Black!!!

I don't know what to make of this picture except for the fact that if I were their 6 year old son, I would call the FBI demanding to speak to the MEN IN Black because there's no way in 31 hells these two are from this solar system. You could try to think of two more ill equipped human beings in the beauty game of life and the closest you could come would be to think of naked 88 year olds playing badmitton. The fact that these two are Hollywood stars says all you need to know about Hollywood. I would rather have hot rusty nails shoved up my urethra than be subjected to either of these moron's contributions to the arts.

This one dates a footballer, Jame, and I hate him too.

Cheryl Tweedy went out in leather/spandex pants and did what she does best...look ridonkulously hot. Girls like this don't date normal guys. They date footballers. I know "soccer" players in the US are usually the borderline retarded kids running around on the field because early on, you don't even really have to have vital signs in order to feel part of the action; however, appararently footballers are like Lancelot or Achilles in Europe; mythical creatures of bravery and beauty sent to rid the world of all available, beautiful, European women. The fact that this guy landed Cheryl Cole is truly light years beyond my comprehension. Damn you Chelsea! Damn You!

Admittedly old news, but what an amazing story.

Susan Boyle, from some place in Britain, was a contestant on Britain's Got Talent, Simon Cowell's other show. You've probably seen this video since it's everywhere, but if you haven't, you owe it to yourself to watch this amazing talent perform and cause your hair to stand up all over your body. She probably can't count how many times in her life she's had doors closed in her face simply because of her appearance. I, myself, was cynical too, but it truly is a great story.

Susan Boyle on Britain's Got Talent
Uploaded by dwarthy

Sea Donkeys exhibit convergent evolution

Seeing this rare amphibious species in the wild is a true anomoly. It's like seeing a Liger, the Sasquatch, the Lochness Monster, or the giant squid. I attribute its sighting to three things. One, I'm an insanely talented photographer. Two, to being both notorious and very lucky. And three, as you can see, this seadonkey-like species has evolved indepently of common primates, yet walks upright, is pentadactyl, and even eats and drinks without the heard. Although mating habits are unknown, it appears human in basic morphology, but neneath the surface this is an animal completely unpredictable and very dangerous as it uses its massive, gargantuan size to ram, bully, most assuredly kill other members of the herd much like a Hippo. This rare and dangerous creature is a true evolutionary enigma to scientists everywhere. I am a lover of all of God's creatures, but this is like trying to identify a three toed sloth, the monkfish, Almiqui, Ayer-ayer, The Philippine Tarsier, and last but certainly not least, the The Star-Nosed Mole all mixed together...it's almost humanly impossible. Binomial Nomenclature can only take you so far. Thanks for nothing Carlos Linnaeus. My vote for the most hideous nightmare inducing creature of 2009...the seadonkey...by a country mile.

Umm...Mr Hogan...you're gonna need to come with us and answer a few questions regarding the location of your wife's head.

In a recent interview with Rolling Stone Magazine, Hulk Hogan brags about how well he dealt with his wife kicking him out and blowing his money.

Page Six reports,

"[Brother]I could have turned everything into a crime scene, like OJ [brother], cutting everybody's throat," he told the magazine. "You live half a mile from the 20,000-square-foot home you can't go to anymore[brother], you're driving through downtown Clearwater and see a 19-year-old boy driving your Escalade[brother], and you know that a 19-year-old boy is sleeping in your bed, with your wife [brother]. . . I totally understand OJ[brother]. I get it."

Hulk Hogan might have gone a little far with this one. Making jokes about slicing and dicing your ex-wife isn't too funny anymore. America is really ultra-sensitive to brutal murders and decapitation. You can't even joke anymore about genocide, murder, rape, or child molestation. What's wrong with this country? Where is your sense of humor?

Also, on a side note, Hogan really didn't say "brother" 5 times during his interview. I added that, but it would be cool if that's how it really went down.

Swimsuit inventor undoubtedly had Kelly in mind.

Many of you that don't obsess, hanker, and thirst for female celebrities like I do, might not know Kelly Brook. Too bad for you is all I have to say. If you haven't been introduced, people, this is Kelly Ann Parsons Brook. She, too, is an abysmal actress, starring only in movies that require her to minimalize her clothing's coverage area; moreover, she's dated actor Jason Statham and was engaged to Billy Zane, the creepy guy from Dead Calm and Titanic, for nearly five years. Really, all of this is completely pointless because if you're a straight guy, there's absolutely no way you looked at the pictures above and were able to concentrate on anything else besides how perfectly her body was designed to fit into swimsuits. Seriously, Gary and Wyatt from Weird Science, couldn't have manufactured Lisa to be more punishingly desirable to people of the opposite sex than this girl. Once again, I'm reminded how much I loathe European football players and their ability to steal my potential future ex-girlfriends.