Friday, May 30, 2014

Celebrities like Gwyneth Paltrow are existential gods.


In an interview with re/Code (don't ask me), Gwyneth Paltrow revealed her insufferable existence yet again.  This time though, it was at the expense of heroes that live and die protecting her freedoms and liberties.  From 1995-1999, I was infatuated with this dumbass...I don't know why.  I feel like I owe every Service Man and Woman a public apology for being so stupid.  I swear to God, every single time this chick opens her mouth, she says something more elitist and abhorrent than the time before.  She is so out of touch with reality that the Silver Spoon has actually imbedded into her colon.  Let's face it...Gwyneth Paltrow has no clue what working for a living means.  Sure, she puts in long hours on a movie set.  BFD.  I've done it.  It's fucking awesome.  I was a nobody and EVERYBODY kisses your ass.  You can literally say and do anything you want and they're like, right this way Mrs. Paltrow.  It's a Devil's occupation that fuels selfishness, insincerity, arrogance, elitism and egomania.  When an actor is actually grounded, I'm instantly a huge fan because it's very difficult to maintain realistic expectations of the world when everyone jumps at your every command.  That said, it sounds like an excuse.  It's not.  She's just a #unt.

Gwyneth's comments equating WAR (real war) to negative TWEETS. (Yes, I mean twitter.)


"You come across (online comments) about yourself and about your friends, and it's a very dehumanizing thing, Paltrow said.  It's almost like how, in war, you through this bloody, dehumanizing thing, and then something is defined out of it.  My hope is, as we get out of it, we'll reach a new level of consciousness."

 In an effort of language warfare, Bryan Sikes, a Green Beret, gives his own retort, in a way only a true selfless hero could:

To Miss Paltrow,I’d first like to start out by saying how terrible I feel for you and all your friends that on a daily basis have to endure mean words written by people you don’t know. I can only imagine the difficulty of waking up in a 12,000 square foot Hollywood home and having your assistant retrieve your iPhone, only to see that the battery is low and someone on twitter (the social media concept that you and all of your friends contribute to on an hourly basis to feed your ego and narcissistic ways), has written a mean word or 2 about you. You’ve hit the nail on the head, war is exactly like that. You should receive a medal for the burden you have carried on your shoulders due to these meanies on social media.You said, “Its almost like, how in war, you go through this bloody dehumanizing thing and then something is defined out of it.” I could see how you, and others like you in “the biz”, could be so insecure and mentally weak that you could pair the difficulty of your life on twitter to my brothers who have had their limbs ripped off and seen their friends shot, blown up, burned and disfigured, or wake up every morning in pain – while just starting the day is a challenge. How about our wives? The ones that sign on to be there for us through thick and thin, that help us to shake the hardships of war upon our return? And do all this while being mothers to our kids, keeping bills in order because we are always gone, and keeping our lives glued together. They do all this, by the way, without a team of accountants, nanny’s, personal assistants, and life coaches. Yeah, reading a mean tweet is just like all that.You know what is really “dehumanizing”, Miss Paltrow? The fact that you’d even consider that your life as an “A-list” celebrity reading internet comments could even compare to war and what is endured on the battlefield. You and the other “A-listers” that think like you are laughable. You all have actually convinced yourselves that you in some way face difficulty on a regular basis. Let me be the first to burst your bubble: a long line at Starbucks, your driver being 3 minutes late, a scuff mark on your $1200 shoes and a mean tweet do not constitute difficulty in the eyes of a soldier.Understand me when I say this: war does not define me. It is a chapter in my life that helped shaped me. Being a husband and father is what defines me. Remember, sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never…be close to what war is.

Thanks Mr Sikes, for your passion, your loyalty and honor to God, Country, and your family, as well as your unyielding bravery.  I hope you know you are treasured and appreciated.

Gwyneth, good luck finding an audience for your next shitty movie.  Piss off.  

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Get ready to start cutting....your wrists.



Deadmau5 – $200 – $250K+/show | $21 million earned in 2013



At 23, the Swedish DJ is the youngest artist on our list—and taught himself to produce music using pirated software that he played with from his teenage bedroom.


DJ Pauly D – $40-$60k/show | $13 million earned in 2013

The Jersey Shore star earns half as much per night as some of his DJ brethren, but with 90 performances over the past year and a host of outside business ventures 

I'm sure by now you've either lost conciousness or you've begun plotting your way out out of this world of nonsense that bathes the clowns in luxury for spinning "records" and/or playing hours of prepared mixes and actually doing nothing in front of the stage.  Good for Pauly D, I guess.  If he weren't a "DJ" WETFTM (whatever the f that means), he'd probably be annoying you at your local gym as a "trainer" while he hits on your lonely wife while you're at work daydreaming about running away from your life of bills and overhead.  What, oh your wife doesn't work out?  Sorry bro.  

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Charlotte McKinney >>>>>>>> Kate Upton

http://instagram.com/charlottemckinney

Charlotte McKinney is what America tried to make Kate Upton.  Kate Upton is 22.  This is what 22 looks like...or should look like.  These pictures make me looking at Kate Upton feel more like I was teleported to the year 2024 and Kate is a mom of three.  I've never understood the hype around Upton.  She's average AT BEST.  And to all you morons out there that are saying, "Yeah, I'm sure.  If Kate Upton came up to you, you'd have a heart attack."  First of all, no.  Secondly, no.  Kate Upton isn't fat, but she isn't in shape skinny either.  She's what guys really loathe...skinny fat.  Actually, she's more chubby fat...like play-do.  Guys, if you want a cureless square, minus the ginormous breasts of course, resting on two toothpicks, then she's your girl.  I find it insulting really.  It's like society views men so barbaric that we don't care what the chick looks like as long as she has HUGE nat'l geographic breasts and blonde hair.  Ummmm, no.  I like a normal BMI.  I like someone that could go running, and I don't mean to Cold Stone.  I mean actually run.  I'm so sick of this media love fest.  It's annoying and men across the country should be pissed.  When Sports Illustrated has Charlotte McKinney to choose from and they choose this chick, they think you're stupid.  Apparently, they're right.  Morons.  If you want to know who Kate Upton is, go to Hardees.  She'll be the one eating a thickburger.  If you want to know who Charlotte McKinney is, get in line.





WTF?!?^2



It's such a juxtaposition, but as infatuated as I am with supermodels, I don't get most of them.  In fact, to steal from our beloved champion of independence and free thinking President, Barack Obama, "let me be clear", I'm more infatuated with the idea of models than I am with the models themselves.  For instance, I don't find Gisele hot AT ALL.  In fact, I find her UNATTRACTIVE.  Wabt to know why....because I don't like dudes and to be honest, the jury is still out whether she used to be one.  Granted, she's a supermodel, has made more money in the industry than almost anyone, and was the face of Victoria's Secret for years.  All that is bologna if you ask me.  Kate Upton is obviously another one.  I simply don't get it.  There are girls infinitely hotter on every SEC campus every day.  I don't get that Emily Ratjkjdklehflkeshflkowski either.  She was blessed with a God-given bosom, but other than that, and her exhibitionist/love to expose myself mentality, which just FYI is awesome, is just ehhh.  Just ok.  The point is this...Tom Brady looks infinitely more feminine than his wife in almost every picture, especially this one. When I hear a guy talking about how hot Gisele Bundchen is, I immediately think they might be playing for the other team because there's nothing about that woman that screams woman.  Big hands, big feet, adam's apple, strong jaw, etc etc.  Why is she stacking money up like Scrooge McDuck?  Why does she live in a house with MOAT.  An f'ing moat....really?  Why is the world so cruel?  I'll never understand.

Tom...come on bro.  Enough is enough.  This is GD embarrassing.  You look like the love-child of Raggedy Andy and Freddy Mercury.