Monday, December 29, 2008

Finally the stars align and there's perfection...


I guess it's a little more like perfect imperfection, but what an accomplishment!?! People don't realize how difficult it is to not accidentally win a game. The teams in the NFL are so closely matched, usually there's a win by sheer luck. The Lions said, "Nope...not this year. We suck more than any team has ever sucked." You've got to give them credit for accomplishing something that can never be surpassed. Way to go LIONS!!! You are the best...one season...DEFEATED.

Atlanta L 21-34 0-1
Green Bay L 25-48 0-2
San Francisco L 13-31 0-3
BYE WEEK
Chicago L 7-34 0-4
Minnesota L 10-12 0-5
Houston L 21-28 0-6
Washington L 17-25 0-7
Chicago L 23-27 0-8
Jacksonville L 14-38 0-9
Carolina L 22-31 0-10
Tampa Bay L 20-38 0-11
Tennessee L 10-47 0-12
Minnesota L 16-20 0-13
Indianapolis L 21-31 0-14
New Orleans L 7-42 0-15
Green Bay L 21-31 0-16

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Beyonce the Kleptomaniac strikes again...

This talentless wonder has stolen another song from an indpendent artist and claimed writing credit. Her writing contribution apparently consists of simply changing the title of the song from "Smack Into You" to "Smash Into You." That's genius creativity. If someone offered me free backstage passes to her concert, I'd pass on them to participate in the 1st annual crush my nuts contest.

Here is proof that she has no talent including her horrific singing and her propensity to steal.

Jon McLaughlin


Beyonce giant legs

Calvin Klein is scraping by....

Just when you forgot how deeply serious this credit crisis and recession is, someone else famous makes the headlines with a report of them barely making ends meet. Calvin Klein, raises his arm, extends his middle finger, and says, "America people...suck it. I'm rich."


This is a shot of Calvin Klein's 50,000 square foot home in South Hampton that he bought five years ago for nearly $30,000,000.

The house is gorgeous, but he's tearing it down. COMPLETELY. He plans to replace it with a new home that's more modern and certainly more modest as he plans to only build a 17,500 square foot glass and concrete abode. Rich bisexuals that make their living off of underwear piss me off.

WHY TOM WHY?





Genetic Powerball Winner, Tom Brady, and his tranny i-dont-know-why-people-think-shes-hot-model-girlfriend, got engaged over the holidays on a private jet. Tom, buddy, I'm not trying to be rude, but marriage? To this dude? You can do waaay better. Like these to name a few.

1. Cheryl Cole
2. Cheryl Cole
3. Cheryl Cole

Come on Tom...first you let the Patriot fans down...then me.

The obligatory picture of Aphrodite below.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Thanks Dr Whitmer...


I will acknowledge that this is an email forward; therefore, the validity is in question. If this is true, however, it's pretty much all the proof you need about democracies voting themselves the treasury and failing...miserably.

What do the top 10 cities with the highest poverty rate all have in
common?

Detroit, MI (1st on the poverty rate list) hasn't elected a Republican
mayor since 1961;
Buffalo, NY (2nd) hasn't elected a Republican mayor since 1954;
Cincinnati, OH (3rd)...hasn't elected a Republican mayor since 1984;
Cleveland, OH (4th)...hasn't elected a Republican mayor since 1989;
Miami, FL (5th) has never had a Republican mayor;
St. Louis, MO (6th)....hasn't elected a Republican mayor since 1949;
El Paso, TX (7th) has never had a Republican mayor;
Milwaukee, WI (8th)...hasn't elected a Republican mayor since 1908;
Philadelphia, PA (9th)...hasn't elected a Republican mayor since 1952;
Newark, NJ (10th)...hasn't elected a Republican mayor since 1907.

Einstein once said, 'The definition of insanity is doing the same thing
over and over again and expecting different results.'

It is the disadvantaged who habitually elect Democrats --- yet are still
disadvantaged.

Opinion: The Disadvantaged remain disadvantaged because they are
looking for a Liberal Democratic Government to give them something,
when all they have to do is work for it. (How can a person be 5th
Generation Disadvantaged in this Country?) Wake up America!

"Truth ripens, error rots"

Monday, December 22, 2008

Sandwich Boards?..It's an Idea...

Calvin Coolidge said once,

“Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan "press on" has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.”

No one knows this better than Joshua Persky. MIT grad, Investment banker, blah blah blah...anyway, great story.





NEW YORK (Reuters) - One innovative New Yorker's desperate search to find a job this summer paid off big this holiday season, after a year when over a million jobs have been lost as the U.S. economy spiraled into recession.

Joshua Persky, known to many as the "Sandwich Board Guy," is now happily employed by accounting firm Weiser LLP in midtown Manhattan.

"While his story is unique and an example of his perseverance in today's economy, what we were attracted to most was Joshua's rich and impressive experience," said Douglas Phillips, Weiser's managing partner. Persky is now a senior manager in the firm's business valuation and corporate finance group.

His new office is not very far from where he first gained notoriety as the unemployed investment banker who wore a poster suit reading -- "Experienced MIT Grad For Hire" -- while parading past a key area for commercial banks and investment houses hoping to lure future employers.

The job seeker encountered many well wishers along the way, and offers of potential jobs across the country and the world, but most recently he secured one in New York, hard hit by massive layoffs in the financial industry.

"Wall Street has become very humble, based on what's going on. There are many fallen angels and hidden treasures out there and we're able to attract them because of the growth opportunity that my group represents right now," said Eliot Ogulnick, director of the business valuations and corporate finance group, who hired Persky.

"I've been looking for someone like Joshua, with his specialization since I arrived at this firm," said Ogulnick. He said while his earlier efforts to secure work were certainly innovative, Persky was hired based on his own merits and a month-long interview process.

Persky had remained unemployed for 11-months this year after losing his job as a valuations specialist at Houlihan Lokey. He said he generated many leads because of all the publicity from wearing the sandwich board, including a recruiter who recommended him to Weiser.

While many segments of the financial industry are undergoing challenging times, Weiser's business valuations and corporate finance group is growing as request for valuations specialist grows. The firm remains in hiring mode for candidates with the right skills.

"For the right talent we will consider bringing them on because we're getting more and more work," said Ogulnick. The 80-year old firm provides accounting, tax and consulting services to business enterprises and high net-worth individuals.

Persky is looking forward to reuniting with his two children and wife who temporarily relocated to Omaha, Nebraska to stay with family during the summer while he searched for work.

"My family is coming in for the holidays on Friday," said Persky.

HE DID WHAT?!?!?

According to Reuters, an Egyptian man offered his daughter to wed the reporter that threw his shoe at President Bush. This is a classic example of how no matter what we(Westerners) do, we'll never understand and/or relate to their culture. Let's recreate that scenario in America. There is no way a man in the US would be admired for throwing a shoe at the Presient. It's a shoe. No C4, no sharp edge, just a shoe. We have Mac-10's and grenades in elementary schools. We have liqour stores next to pawn shops with automatic weapons. This guy would get his lunch money taken and his ass beaten on the playground. He would be the laughing stock of all radical protesters in America. PETA would be gangsta compared to this guy. Not in Egypt or Iraq, though; instead, he's a hero, worthy of "giving" your daughter to marry. Wow. Further evidence, this is a war we can never win.


CAIRO (Reuters) - An Egyptian man said on Wednesday he was offering his 20-year-old daughter in marriage to Iraqi journalist Muntazer al-Zaidi, who threw his shoes at U.S. President George W. Bush in Baghdad on Sunday,

The daughter, Amal Saad Gumaa, said she agreed with the idea. "This is something that would honor me. I would like to live in Iraq, especially if I were attached to this hero," she told Reuters by telephone.

Her father, Saad Gumaa, said he had called Dergham, Zaidi's brother, to tell him of the offer. "I find nothing more valuable than my daughter to offer to him, and I am prepared to provide her with everything needed for marriage," he added.

Zaidi's gesture has struck a chord across the Arab world, where President Bush is widely despised for invading Iraq in 2003 and for his support for Israel.

Amal is a student in the media faculty at Minya University in central Egypt.

Zaidi's response to the proposal was not immediately clear.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Bring out your crazies...



I live in this hell hole, so none of this surprises me. The 80's high hair sprayed with Aqua Net, the fact that it's a church in Jacksonville Florida, the fact that it made national news for being bat sh*t crazy...none of it. I swear people here are so fanatical. This is what turns normal people off of organized religion. You go to a church to celebrate your faith, not to be castigated and isolated from the congregation. Holy Moly...this is just stupid ignorance. When I moved here six years ago, I told a young boy in a store to read the Lord of the Rings because it was a good book...his mother came over grabbed him and said, "He'll be reading about the King of Kings, not Lord of the Rings." Seriously? Where are we because we're not in Kansas anymore.


Rebecca Hancock told FOXNews.com that Grace Community Church, a non-denominational church in Jacksonville, Fla., was against her relationship with boyfriend Frank Young because the two were sexually active but not married.

When she wasn’t willing to obey the church's orders to leave him, she decided to leave the church instead, allowing her two children to remain active members.

Now, she says, church elders have given her the worst ultimatum yet: In a Dec. 8 letter, they told her she either has to meet with them and end her "immoral" relationship or she will face public humiliation.

“Bottom line, on January they 4th they are going to the church publicly with my sins, and my children will be sitting in church at the time,” Hancock told FOXNews.com.

Click here to see a copy of the letter (pdf).

A church leader wouldn't commit to an interview when contacted Thursday by FOXNews.com. The Rev. T. Scott Christmas, pastor of the church, told the Florida Times-Union that the "process of loving accountability" is made very clear to members, and the church is doing "nothing more than following the practices of what biblical churches have done through history."

Hancock, who is divorced, said the problems began in March, when she started telling her church mentor about her relationship — in what she thought were confidential conversations.

“As it progressed I told her about it and she said, 'You’ve got to get out, you’re biblically wrong,'” Hancock said.

Despite knowing her relationship was against church rules, Hancock said she never realized that disclosing it would trigger the first in a three-step process used by the church to deal with sinners: private admonishment, admonishment in the presence of witnesses and finally public admonishment.

Still, she said she tried to follow her mentor’s advice and break up with Young, who wasn't a member of the church.

“I must have gone through 10 breakups trying to end it, but after not having the power to do it I would go back,” she said. “It was hard to give up somebody I love.”

Hancock learned that her private sessions with her mentor hadn’t been so private after all, when in October her mentor pulled her aside in church and asked her come into another room.

“In the room, there were several women that I never told my business to. And they proceeded to tell me about my business and what I was doing and what a sinner I was — just persecuting me.” Hancock said. “One of the ladies was even saying ‘I was at your house when you didn’t come home all night.’"

It was then that Hancock said she decided to leave Grace Community Church.

“I told them, ‘I cannot believe you people are doing this. I’m not going any further — I’m never coming here again,’” she recalled.

Her boyfriend said the church wouldn’t let it end there.

“The pastor kept calling her, and I informed him that she [Hancock] would appreciate it if neither he nor any member of his church contacted her ever again,” Young told FOXNews.com.

Almost two months later, Hancock received the letter from the elders of Grace Community Church, explaining that she had left them no choice but to continue the disciplinary process.

“Your refusal to repent and be restored in your relationship with God and His Church leaves us with no alternative than to carry out the third step of the discipline process,” the letter explained. “In accordance with Matthew 18:17, we intend to ‘tell it to the church.’”

Darrell L. Bock, a research professor for the Dallas Theological Seminary, said that public admonishment is not uncommon in churches that focus on discipline but added, "Most churches would handle this much more privately than this particular community is choosing to do."

This kind of process normally would happen after "much more private interaction" with the person, Block said, and is normally reserved for church leaders as opposed to "a normal member of the church."

More importantly, he said, the actions are unusual given that Hancock had severed her relationship with the church.

Hancock sent a formal letter of resignation after receiving the elders' ultimatum in hopes of solving the dispute. She said she fears for her 20-year-old son and 18-year-old daughter if the church carries out its threat.

“I don’t really care what they do to me. But I am concerned about my children sitting in church with their mother being crucified by the church that they trust,” she said. “I am very concerned about how it would affect them.”

These guys always think of the People first...

A crumbling economy, more than 2 million constituents who have lost their jobs this year, and congressional demands of CEOs to work for free did not convince lawmakers to freeze their own pay.

Instead, they (Congress) will get a $4,700 pay increase, amounting to an additional $2.5 million that taxpayers will spend on congressional salaries, and watchdog groups are not happy about it.

“As lawmakers make a big show of forcing auto executives to accept just $1 a year in salary, they are quietly raiding the vault for their own personal gain,” said Daniel O’Connell, chairman of The Senior Citizens League (TSCL), a non-partisan group. “This money would be much better spent helping the millions of seniors who are living below the poverty line and struggling to keep their heat on this winter.”

This abhorrent arrogance is both insulting and contradictory. These people already make tons of money for doing nothing. Many barely even show up to vote. The American people should be getting better from their representatives, but as I said yesterday, we're voting ourselves the treasury.

Great thinkers throughout history knew this...why don't we?

"The national budget must be balanced. The public debt must be reduced; the arrogance of the authorities must be moderated and ontrolled. Payments to foreign governments must be reduced. If the nation doesn't want to go bankrupt, people must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance."
-- Marcus Tullius Cicero, 55 BC

"Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it."
-- Ronald Reagan

"Suppose your were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."
-- Mark Twain


Whenever the people are well-informed, they can be trusted with their own government.
Thomas Jefferson

When the people fear their government, there is tyranny; when the government fears the people, there is liberty.
Thomas Jefferson

Thursday, December 18, 2008

His and Hers Wish List...

There can't be two more appropriate gifts this Christmas for your significant other. Everyone always stresses about Christmas, searching through store after store trying to find the perfect gift. One that will usually serve no purpose and never be used. These are two gifts that will undoubtedly be used.

Hers:
Because we know power tools aren't usually made for women.



His:
Because she knows you're gonna look...at least this way you don't embarrass HER by being the guy staring at the girls as they walk down the beach.

It's Obvious the Economy is in the Crapper...

Russian billionaire Roman Abramovich, Chelsea FC owner is believed to be the world’s first private buyer of the largest luxury jet - Airbus A380.
The 40 year-old single billionaire is already UK’s richest man. According to the Russian Finance magazine, as of January 2007, his fortune was $21.0 billion.
He has already spent more than $300 million on private yachts, and real estate across the globe.
A source close to Airbus said, “the price tag is around the $300 million, but obviously it is being refitted and customised to his own personal specifications.”

In other news, I paid cash for a Turbo Graphic 16 at Pawn-it-Eazy.




This is what nearly a Billion dollars will buy you in missile defense...


If we continue breeding ourselves into idiocracy, we're going to end up leaving the country that takes us over some really sweet toys...like this missile defense system.

I'm officially getting old...

Thanks, Nix, for your contribution.

This hideous shoe, the 23rd anniversary of Michael Jordan's, Air Jordans, are being presold in very limited quantities for 230.00. The shoes, because of the limited number being sold, are prompting people..I mean retards to sleep on the sidewalks for days in order to get a pair in hopes they can either turn a significant profit on Ebay, or have some of the tightest kicks in their school. So, let me see if I'm getting this straight: People are sleeping on the sidewalk for days in hopes of maybe, just maybe being lucky enough to hand over 230.00 dollars for a pair of kicks that look like something out of Back to the Future II? So, to be completely clear on this, it's ok to miss your morgage. It's ok to use WIC cards in front of me at the grocery store. It's ok to file for multiple extentions on your unemployment. It's ok to draw your only paycheck from the handcuffed generosity and expense of the taxpayers of this great nation. All of that's ok because you're saving your money for the new Air Jordans? There are so many problems with America folks. The compounding enigma has reached its boiling point. A democracy will only exist until the populace realizes they can vote themselves the treasury. Wake up people because we are in that transition as I speak. The demise is inevitable. This is just the tip of the iceberg.






GARNER and GUMBRECHT
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Nearly two-dozen teens and 20-somethings plan to wait outside Walter’s downtown clothing store until next Tuesday, when they have a shot at getting a limited edition Air Jordan sneaker.

They started waiting Tuesday for pairs of $230 Nike Air Jordan shoes, now in their 23rd year of sales, to be released Dec. 23, named for Michael Jordan, the Chicago Bull’s famous No. 23.

“It’s crazy what we do for shoes,” said 17-year-old Miguel Perez of Marietta, the first in line. “We’re sneaker heads.”

“You could sell them on eBay for $2,000 or $3,000,” said No. 2, Perez’s friend Christian Aragon, 17.

Walter’s already has received 23 pairs of the limited edition shoe, and says it won’t get any more. A Walter’s salesman said they wouldn’t show them for a photo yet, but an accurate image is available at 23isback.com.

Walter’s salesman DeAngelo Martin expected the shoes to start a line outside the store on Decatur Street, but they didn’t think it would start this early. No sizes are guaranteed, so even those waiting now might not walk away with a new pair of Jordans that fits.

Shoe lovers squatted in lawn chairs and huddled under the store’s glowing red awning on Tuesday night. Some in the line said they won’t be waiting the whole time — they’ve been paid as a place holder by some well-heeled shoe enthusiast, and will be relieved when their “shift” is over.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

The two best shows ever on television...

For those hungry to find more outlets to waste your lives please look no further. Don't ever miss another episode of "A Double Shot at Love," or "Momma's Boys." OMG treasures like this only come around every ten years or so. The last two shows this beautifully disasterous were Temptation Island and Paradise Hotel. These couldn't possibly be better if you tried a thousand years.

A Double Shot at Love is about two bisexual twin girls a.k.a. twins willing to do anything (pun intended) to be famous including being a fake bisexual. Did I mention they're looking for fame...I mean their soul mates. The great thing about this show is the array of white trash and pitiful losers they have to choose from. The irony of the show is that you're in big trouble with the twins if you proclaim yourself a lesbian, but get caught flirting or making out with a guy even though this show is essentially just a booze fueled orgy in a huge California house. Morals suddenly matter when you lie about being a lesbo. If you don't watch another show this year this has to be TIVO'd. It comes on MTV. It's epic. Trust me. Thanks Brad, for making my Tuesday night.



On a sad note, however, Kandice Hutchinson, the makeup artist from Texas that was eliminated last night on episode 2, was involved in a street racing accident in October and was thrown from the car and pronounced dead at the scene. She is one of the most outspoken girls on the show, so that sucks. Producers have edited her outrageousness out of respect for the family.
Her 350Z at the scene.



Ok ok ok....now to Momma's Boys. This show is lucky enough to have Ryan Gaycrest as the executive producer. This is far and away the most prolific and ingenious moment of his diverse career. The point of this show is to create as much drama as possible in one hour by adding three mothers that have creepy mother son attachment issues already, but pretending and forcing them to choose a whore...I mean skank...I mean soul mate for their respective sons. Oh, did I mention that one mother is Jewish, one is an Iraqi-American racist-bigot, and the other seems more interested in the girls for her own curiosities. Seriously people, you could search the world over and never find a cast of characters more absurd than these. Between these two shows, I'm gonna have to schedule my carpal tunnel surgery right now due to all the blogging material. It's beyond words. In both shows people cried within the first three minutes. God, I'm so excited.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

I dare you...

I tried watching this video, but my violent vomiting and life threatening dysentery prevented me from seeing the completion. I have tried to think of things more revolting than this video, but when this video trumped necrophelia, self castration and a committed relationship with Paris Hilton, I gave up. If you can watch this entire video without the aforementioned results, I'll send you a signed picture.

Go with your gut Boss...

So my friend, Chris, always said that Guitar Hero and Rock Band were missing the boat because they weren't teaching you anything other than coordination and color recognition. He said that the game should teach you how to play the real guitar. Well, of course they've done exactly that.

Andy Samberg deserves better than SNL

Let's face it. SNL hasn't been funny in years. Sure, it's shown bright spots with Adam Sandler songs, Celebrity Jeopardy with Sean Connery, Eddie Murphy, and Gilda. For the love God, can we stop the Amy Poehler and Tina Fey love fest? Am I the only person in America that find them painfully unfunny? Fey's only accomplishment to date is her writing the screenplay for Mean Girls. 30 Rock is sinking, SNL sucks, and their weekend update was so pretentious and self indulging, I could hardly watch, much less laugh. Saying something sarcastic and staring into the camera akwardly prompts people to laugh. Congratulations, you harnessed laughter out of sheer audience uncomfortability. Fey's Sarah Palin caricature was effective for two reasons: Sarah Palin's ridiculous accent and her lucky resemblance to the Governor. Aside from that, she wasn't creating comedic magic. I'm so over that stupid show. Anyway, the point of this post was to tell Andy Samberg to leave (S)till(N)ot(L)aughing. He's smart, original and better than they deserve. Lorne Michaels and SNL have jumped the shark. Here's Andy's website. The videos are fantastic. http://www.thelonelyisland.com/





Barry Sanders Jr Runs Like a Deer...

There has never been and probably never will be again, a running back like Barry Sanders. Here is his son who is apparently a high school freshman. If this kid is this good at 15, he's going to be great in three years. The disturbing thing about this video is that I'm watching the son of Barry Sanders. How am I that old? Dammit.




This is his three touchdown performance in the state finals.

Monday, December 15, 2008

W floats like a butterfly...

I know you've all seen this by now, but it's too good not to comment. Nothing about this video should surprise you. I'm just thankful it wasn't a flaming dagger, an anthrax filled balloon, or gourd of frankincense and myrrh. One thing about the video does surprise me though...he threw official shoes and not sandals. When did this desert footwear transition happen? Where have I been? I need to really brush up on middle eastern fashion...I've really let myself go.

Cal Berkley yields morons in Priora(official Latin plural form of Prius)

The liberal propaganda machine showed its IDIOTIC head on drudgereport.com this morning. This is exactly how it appeared on the page. I'm truly amazed how Albert Gore has a Nobel Prize for this insanity. Weather is cyclical...just like my 401..i mean 201K. Regardless, the Prius is a sweet machine.


AP PANIC: 'Obama left with little time to curb global warming'...'cooling trend illustrates how fast the world is warming'...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NEW RECORD LOW TEMP IN DENVER...

Montana's -29 easily breaks record...

Can you really do this?

An Australian man was encouraged, according to him, to squander millions in a gambling spree in which the casinos knowingly targeted him due to his fat wallet and his inability to say no to his gambling demons. In a related story, today I filed suit against Heidi Klum, Marissa Miller and Cheryl Cole for their hotness and knowingly targeting my inability to say no to their internet pictures and all the secrets held by Victoria.

CANBERRA (Reuters) - "An Australian gambler who lost millions in a A$1.4 billion ($909 million) gaming spree is suing one of the country's largest casinos, claiming he was targeted by managers despite a known gambling addiction.

In a case which lawyers say could have implications stretching to China, gambling addict Harry Kakavas is suing Crown Casino in Melbourne for A$50 million damages after a mammoth 14-month baccarat binge in which he lost A$37 million.

At the time in 2007, property developer Kakavas had been barred from every casino in Australia.

But the Supreme Court in Victoria state was told that Crown's management did not "give a monkey's" about a prohibition in place since 2004, the Age newspaper said.

Supreme Court documents said Kakavas wore a concealed recorder that captured Crown managers allegedly attempting to lure him back to its riverside baccarat tables.

Crown is owned by Australian billionaire James Packer, who also operates Crown Macau and is developing a second casino project, The City of Dreams, in the Chinese territory. Last year the company reported profits of A$370 million.

"We have no intention of responding to the allegations made publicly. We are defending the action vigorously," Crown spokesman Gary O'Neill told Reuters.

Court documents in Melbourne alleged that emails detailed a Crown plan to lure back Kakavas after managers discovered he had lost millions of dollars gambling in Las Vegas.

If found guilty, Crown could be judged to have breached Australia's Trade Practices Act, state gambling regulations and special laws covering the high-profile casino's operation."

Thursday, December 11, 2008

(Sean Connery) "That's not what your mother said last night Alex."

The single greatest answer ever given on "real" Jeopardy.


Students are disappearing on Jayhawk campus...eyes point to Mangino.




I've always applauded an entrepreneurial spirit, but this ingenious originality is the equivalent of Stephen Hawkin's, A Brief History of Time. I can hardly stand it that I wasn't cool enough to think of this first.


Reserve was met, Gubernatorial office auction ends...14 year old from Peoria the lucky winner.




Ok, let me first point out my unwavering affection for names loaded with consonants. It makes me want to enroll in Russian language classes. Those names just sound bad ass. You almost can't say them without holding an AK-47 or thinking of Rocky IV, or those hot Russian girls in Spies Like Us...maybe that's just me. I digress, but it appears that holding the highest office in the State can be sold, bartered, manipulated, and auctioned. Illinois Governor, Rod Blagojevich, is exactly what's wrong with this country as we're sprialing down the drain like the Coriolis Effect. There is going to be some interesting names brought into the discussion when Blagojevich starts trying to save his ass from decaying in prison. He's going to try to bury everyone he can. As I said before, I'm going to give Obama the benefit of the doubt when he said he no knowledge of this scandal, but come on Mr. President! At the very least, he's naive. This guy has been under investigation for 4 years. There's no way President-elect Obama didn't know anything...is there? I don't know which scares me more...that he knew...or he's too clueless to realize this was going on. Either way...they just sank my battleship.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Deer Hunter Part 2

Scott Ruffalo, brother of actor Mark Ruffalo, shot himself in the head while playing a game of Russian Roulette last week and battled for life nearly a week before passing away. I have friends that play the table game roulette and they lose...but add bullets and a firearm and man, can you ever win? I know he must have been battling some inner demons, but it seems to me if you're gonna roll the dice with a game that ultimately yields the dirt nap, you'd be better off choosing from 6 hookers in southeast asia. At least it's fun while it lasts.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

I dare you to make a joke about cankles...




Mandy Sellers is an inspiration. This poor girl has been battling Proteus Syndrome since she was a small child. The things that this girl must go through are incomprehensible. I complain about a sore liver and low blood sugar shakes meanwhile, Mandy battles this horrific disease.

Pam Anderson is a natural, stunning beauty.


The average human is made of 75 trillion cells. In 5 seconds, you lose 50,000 cells. I'm guessing Pam is losing them at a much more alarming rate. She looks like a cross between a Duck-billed platypus, Herpes, and Sloth from Goonies. If this opened the door to a little boy for Halloween, I'm pretty sure the he would ask her who she's dressed as...because he loves her costume. You could put her picture on a meth makeover billboard and you would never second guess its validity.

Parent-of-the-Year Committee Votes Unanimously...

Remember a few days ago when I stayed up almost all night proving that bad parenting yields strippers and prostitutes? Well it appears that my theorem was once again verified. I jest, but this is incredibly sad.

Foxnews.com reports,

DETROIT — Police say they raided a sex-for-cash party involving 19 adult female prostitutes and two 16-year-old girls, including the hostess's daughter.

Wayne County Sheriff Warren Evans says authorities raided the Detroit home about 4 a.m. Sunday and discovered about 20 adult men, 19 adult female prostitutes, the 39-year-old homeowner, her daughter and another 16-year-old, both of whom were dancing partially nude.

Evans says the men paid a $15 cover charge plus whatever the prostitutes charged for sex. It isn't known whether the underage girls had offered sex for money.

The sheriff says most of the prostitutes and johns were ticketed and released, but the homeowner and three men believed to be involved in operating the party were arrested.

The woman's daughter was taken into protective custody. The other 16-year-old was released to her parents.

It's like senior skip day, but not...

Foxnews.com reports,

SAN FRANCISCO — Some same-sex marriage supporters are urging people to "call in gay" Wednesday to show how much the country relies on gays and lesbians, but others question whether it's wise to encourage skipping work given the nation's economic distress.

Organizers of "Day Without a Gay" — scheduled to coincide with International Human Rights Day and modeled after similar work stoppages by Latino immigrants — also are encouraging people to perform volunteer work and refrain from spending money.

Sean Hetherington, a West Hollywood comedian and personal trainer, dreamed up the idea with his boyfriend, Aaron Hartzler, after reading online that a few angry gay-rights activists were calling for a daylong strike to protest California voters' passage last month of Proposition 8, which reversed this year's state Supreme Court decision allowing gay marriage.

The couple thought it would be more effective and less divisive if people were asked to perform community service instead of staying home with their wallets shut. Dozens of nonprofit agencies, from the National Women's Law Center in Washington to a Methodist church in Fresno collecting food for the homeless, have posted opportunities for volunteers on the couple's Web site.

"We are all for a boycott if that is what brings about a sense of community for people," said Hetherington, 30, who plans to spend Wednesday volunteering at an inner-city school. "You can take away from the economy and give back in other ways."

Hetherington said he's been getting 100 e-mails an hour from people looking for volunteer opportunities, and that his "Day Without a Gay" Web site has gotten 100,000hits since mid-November.

Wow. Imagine you're a small business owner and someone calls in gay. How does that conversation go? I wonder if you're supposed to sound groggy like when you fake calling in sick? I'm not an expert in metrics analyses, but I'm pretty sure calling in for being white, black, gay or straight doesn't bode well for climbing the career ladder. Maybe I'm wrong.

This is old, but funny nonetheless...

Monday, December 8, 2008

Nectar of the gods...


If you're like me, you could give two sh_ts about partidges, pear trees, french hens, calling birds, or geese a laying. I actually am interested in the 8 maids a-milking and the 9 ladies dancing...that sounds amazing...but neither here nor there. This is about my love and adoration for the brewmasters at Sierra Nevada for brewing a beer that sends me into pleasure center induced euphoria. This could be the best beer I've ever had...and I've had a lot. Trust me. Get this. You owe it to yourself and your liver for all the years of Busch and Natty light you tortured it with throughout college. Cheers.

Philanthropist, Humanitarian, Abiding Citizen, Man of the Year, Overall Good Guy, Rightfully has Unmerited Charges Dropped...



A Las Vegas judge has dismissed drug and battery charges against Marion Knight, known as Suge, the hip-hop mogul and founder of Death Row Records, The Associated Press reported.

Mr. Knight was arrested in August when police officers said they saw him beat Melissa Isaac while holding a knife in a parking lot near the Strip. A complaint filed by the district attorney’s office of Clark County, Nev., also said that Mr. Knight had the drugs Ecstasy and hydrocodone in his possession at the time. Michael Sommermeyer, a spokesman for the court, said Abbi Silver, a justice of the peace, dismissed the charges on Friday without prejudice. Mr. Knight’s lawyer, David Chesnoff, said prosecutors had “discovery problems and witness problems.”

Translation: The witnesses were floating bloated somewhere in the Hudson river). I'm pretty sure Suge Knight could be on video firing a rocket propelled grenade at the White House while pulling donkeys with 600lbs of pure Afghan heroine, and chugging Hennessy with needles sticking out of his arms and somehow, some way, the witnesses of the tape would "dimiss without prejudice" based mostly on the fact that the witnesses rational thinking would be hindered by their heads not being attached to their necks.

The case may not be closed, however: the district attorney’s office filed a notice indicating it may seek a grand jury indictment and revive the charges.

Translation: The D.A. would like to make a name for himself by pursuing this case, but due to the anonymous letter he received in the mail with small assorted sized letters cut out of a magazine that spelled, "Keep it up white boy and you'll meet my MAC-10" he has decided justice has spoken.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Highest Paid Actress is Pretty for Once...



The Hollywood Reporter released its yearly list of the highest paid actresses and to shock no one, the number one actress was Angelina Jolie. You may think she's weird or gross or whatever, but you can't deny her popularity and generosity. What burns my ass though is the rest of the actresses on the list.

2. Julia Roberts (Certified Movie Star) Katherine Hepburn of our generation. No doubt deserved.

3. Reese Witherspoon (one good movie) aside from that Legally Blonde, Fear, Cruel Intentions, Election, Rendition, (no one else saw that either, don't worry) not saying she doesnt deserve it, but she's got a long way to go in my book. Famous because youre famous doesn't demand 20 million a movie.

4. Cameron Diaz (HOLY SHIT) Her last good movie was...well...there was...well there
had to be...she doesn't have one. She's not pretty and she's a terrible thespian. The fact that she makes this list makes me want to go into the bathroom and funnel drano. I am an avid moviegoer and I seriously cannot think of the last movie she has done that didn't include voiceover animation. If you chime in with, What Happens in Vegas, don't eever read my blog again.




5. Kathrine Heigl (God sent me a fax today that said, "Trey, I hate you, God-") The fact that this hideous sea donkey, white trash, smoking, no-talent is on television portraying anything not on National Geographic is a travesty. I can't even say her name without having reflux. If it were up to me and I were a writer on Gay's Anatomy, I would write her getting the Ebola Virus from her schizophrenia induced invisible boyfriend and let her die within the first 3 minutes where no character would mourn her loss, instead rejoice with a party in the cafeteria. I think it's crystal clear how Hollywood has gotten so shitty. How can studios be so confused as to why Hollywood ticket sales are down? Shitty movies, shitty scripts, and shitty actresses, perhaps...just a thought.

Midshipmen roll today despite losing their Johnson...


This is the 109th year of bad ass patriots getting together in a display of honor, showmanship and athletic competition. This is the first game in 5 years I've missed. For those of you who consider yourselves college football fans, trust me, you haven't been to a game until you you've been to this one.

Check out the Army's camouflage helmets.



GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!
GOD SPEED TO THOSE IN UNIFORM

Friday, December 5, 2008

God spent 3 days on Cheryl Cole



I should've played soccer.

I don't know Czech, but I'm pretty sure that one girl falling on her head is pissed.

Being a bad parent causes your daughter to be stripper or a hooker...remember that. I proved it last night:

= HOOKER/STRIPPER

Somehow I bet her father is proud though, since the 1 Czech koruna = 0.049893 U.S. dollar, starting your own pole dancing school is one way to get ahead in the Czech republic. (scratching head) Is there another? Gosh, I really can't think of any successful Czech girls...




Here's the badass stripper pole acrobat teacher.

Dammit, they don't make em like they used to...

One can sit and reminisce about the joys of film in the 80's, but I can almost gaurantee that it won't take you to at least three out of four of these movies. See, what makes these particular masterpieces of American filmaking so special is their attention to the gratutious scene in which no character is revealed to the audience or developed further. It just leaves you scratching your head wondering how and why you just watched what you watched. This anomaly isn't limited to 80's movies, but no time during filmmaking history have they been so uneffectively effective. I can only describe this as the WTF scene...where the audience is following the plot along, waiting on baited breath, anticipating the denouement and this (WTF) happens.







America Needs More Like Rodney Rogers...


Rodney Rogers, former Demon Deacon, former ACC Rookie of the Year, former ACC Player of the Year, former NBA 6th Man of the Year, was thrown off his ATV in North Carolina and sustained an injury that will leave him paralyzed from the neck down for life. The average cynical NBA hater (that's me) will probably read that headline and think that he's probably not much different than Marbury, Kobe, Artest, as 40% of NBA players have criminal records; however, you couldn't be more wrong about this guy. This is one of the most amazing athletes...scratch that...MEN I've ever read about, yet the press won't report anything on this guy. This is a guy, along with his family, that needs your thoughts and prayers.

ESPN writes,

"A Durham native who starred in high school football and basketball, Rogers had returned to his hometown and was working for the city public works department as a heavy machinery operator. He was promoted to a supervisory position six months ago, according to the report.

He was also volunteering as a girls' basketball coach at a Durham middle school and had set up a computer lab at a city public housing complex, according to the report.

Rogers, who was financially set, took the job with the Durham DPW because he liked working with heavy trucks, Williams said, according to the report.

"Rodney isn't the type to sit around twiddling his thumbs. There aren't any jobs he considers too small for him," Williams said, according to the News and Observer. "He started his own trucking company and was usually the lead driver. He'd be out there driving to the quarry at 3:30 in the morning."

Michael Balzarano, who oversaw Rogers at the Durham DPW, said Rogers was not working for the city as a lark until he got bored.

"I didn't even know he had lots of money. He is very friendly, very concerned, very conscientious," Balzarano said, according to the report. "We chose him because of his ethics and his attitude. He was highly motivated. He was promoted to supervisor six months ago."

Thursday, December 4, 2008

UT just increased their fan base...



I've already jumed out of the proverbial plane without a parachute on the Georgia Bulldogs. I stopped pulling for them in Jax and I'll never go back there even if I still live there. I understand that 9-3-10-3 is a great season, but not when you consistently have access to premiere facilities, robust history, and warm weather to pull in world class athletes. Yet year after year, I either leave JAX disappointed, or I'm disappointed by another game. This would be easier to swallow with passion from a coach. Instead of his blank look of apathy on the sidelines in JAX down by 40, show the stadium you don't like to lose. I've had it with the contrictory apathetic approach to leadership. I'd rather have less talent and be surprised by what the coach can get out of them than be subjected to phenom recruiting every year and losing three games. So, where does that leave me? I'll tell you after the recent news of Lane Kiffin in Knoxville and the superb assistants he's bringing in, I think Im going Rocky Top. Well, to be completely honest, it's more because there's a slim chance I might get to sit beside his smoking wife if I go to the games.

Down in the Tennessee hills....


Victoria is simply taunting me now...

Last night I forgot all about our country's economic crisis. For one hour, I thought of nothing except for how tired my legs were from stretching to look inside Adriana Lima's bedroom window. Wait...what?

Parts 1 and 3 of last night's epic and heroic performance. How do those girls walk so striaght?!?!?!? No one on Earth can walk like they do!!! Truly gifted professionals.




Wednesday, December 3, 2008

With sheer athleticism like this, who needs the second half of the game...

You don't have to agree with my nefarious commentary about the uselessness of the Marching Band at college football games, but this video speaks louder than I ever could.

**UPDATE**
So with all my hostility toward the Band, I can't leave out the easiest group to defame, cheerleaders. Join with me in celebrating the idiotic sport of having sex in the car with football players...(cough)...I mean cheering. If you want to ensure that your daughter uses a ramp to enter buildings for the rest of her life, point her in this direction. Placing third at region was worth it.





We got c-spine yes we do, we got wheelchair, how bout you?!? Dumbass.

Cheryl Cole is hideous.






Ok...so the title was duplicitous. The truth is, Cheryl (Tweedy) Cole is so hot that everytime I see a picture of her I lose bladder control, light my underwear on fire, and spend the rest off the day trying to kick myself in the head like the midgets capriciously do on Jackass. Pictures of this chick have reached a point where it's truly unhealthy for me. Like Lot's wife, I may not be around much longer. I've been warned.

P.S. If you know what's good for you, I wouldn't say anything about that tattoo, if you want to live. I helped her pick it out.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Ricky Henderson = Humility

If you listen to Jim Rome or paid attention to the baseball in the 80's and 90's, you know Ricky Henderson is one of the most detestable human beings in sports. I'm not even sure he's ever had a thought or concern about another human being. He led major league baseball for nearly 25 seasons in the category of "referring to yourself in the 3rd person." Here is the top ten Rickyisms. 10-2 were borrowed from theworldoofisaac.com.

10. During one off-season, Rickey Henderson called Padres general manager Kevin Towers and left the message "Kevin, this is Rickey. Calling on behalf of Rickey. Rickey wants to play baseball.

9. A Padres teammate once offered him a front seat on the team bus, saying that Henderson had tenure. Henderson replied, "Ten years? What are you talking about? Rickey got 16, 17 years."

8. When asked about Ken Caminiti's estimate that 50% of Major League baseball players were using steroids, Rickey replied..."“Well, Rickey’s not one of them, so that’s 49 percent right there.”

7. Supposedly, Rickey was pulled over by a San Diego police officer for speeding. As the officer was approaching Rickey’s car, the window rolled down a few inches and a folded $100 bill emerged. The officer let Rickey and his money head home without a ticket.

6. In 2002, Henderson had an argument with El Duque and stated, "He needs to grow up a little bit. I ain't a kid. When I broke into the game, he was crawling on his hands and knees. Unless he's as old as I am. He probably is."

5. Rickey was asked if he had the Garth Brooks album with Friends in Low Places and Henderson said, “Rickey doesn’t have albums. Rickey has CDs.”

4. When he was on the Yankees in the mid-1980s, Henderson told teammates that his condo had such a great view that he could see, “The Entire State Building.”

3. While resting up sore muscles after a game, Rickey fell asleep on an icepack. Consequently he got frostbite and missed three games in Mid-August.

2. The story went that a few weeks into Henderson’s stint with the Mariners, he walked up to Olerud at the batting cage and asked him why he wore a batting helmet in the field. Olerud explained that he had an aneurysm at nine years old and he wore the helmet for protection. Legend goes that Henderson said, “Yeah, I used to play with a guy that had the same thing.” Legend also goes that Olerud said, “That was me, Rickey.”


1.

Bruce Pearl trades wife for girlfriend and alimony...twice.






In a report from Knoxnews.com, UT Basketball coach, Bruce Pearl, is moving into the salon business...sort of. It appears his ex-wife has taken as much as she could get her mits on...i mean part of his nearly 2 million dollars he is scheduled to earn this year for screaming at young men and leading them into mediocrity and opened a salon she assholishly called, Alimony.

"Kim Shrigley started a new chapter in her life Tuesday with the opening of Alimony’s Hair & Nail Salon.

She funded the new business with money from her divorce from Bruce Pearl, the University of Tennessee men’s basketball coach.

The name is aggressive, Shrigley said. But, “It’s mine.”

The business’s name, Alimony’s, is written on the store front with green cursive and a red heart on top of the “i.”

“The heart up there is to be that extra pain in the ass,” she said with a laugh.

She acknowledged that people will likely associate her with her marriage to and divorce from Pearl. Her former husband, who will earn $1.6 million this season as coach of the men’s basketball team, filed for divorce in September 2007.

But “If I can turn that negative into a positive, I can use that for a little while,” she said.

A 15 percent discount is offered to clients who receive alimony. No divorce papers are needed for proof, she said."

Finally an Islamic group speaks out against terrorism...

"The Muslim Council of India is telling the nation's cemeteries that the bodies of gunmen killed by commandos in the Mumbai terror siege should not be buried on Indian soil, The Times of India reported Monday.

The Islamic organization told The Times that they were acting on complaints from several Muslim groups demanding that the bodies not be laid to rest in any Indian cemetery.

According to Leor Halevi, professor of history at Vanderbilt University and author of "Muhammad’s Grave: Death Rites and the Making of Islamic Society," the council is sending a message to the terrorists by calling for Muslim cemeteries to refuse to bury the bodies.

"It's a very strong statement against terrorism," Halevi said. "What they are saying essentially is that by virtue of the terrorists acts, the terrorists who died do not count as Muslim anymore."

This has been a long time coming. Islamic terrorism is unthinkable and cowardly. The only way to punish these misguided nincompoops would be to desecrate the bodies of the dead to disrupt the after life. Nothing will stop this aggressive, radical expansion and defense of the Islamic state, otherwise. Time after time, Islamic groups neither openly denounce, nor support these horrific acts. The indifference underminds anti-terrorism and invigorates radicals. Finally, a cerebral group of Muslims speak with world humanity at heart.

Monday, December 1, 2008

I would say don't quit your day job, but then again, please do.

I dare you to watch this and not laugh. Impossible. Seriously, how is this woman on TV. I would rather get the news from Kanye West and Papa Smurf than this bumbling baffoon.

If You're Cold, or Abiding to the German Purity Law of 1516, This Might Come In Very Handy...



I refuse to add commentary here. If you order this product, send me one email with your order number, and consider that as assurance of my hatred for you.

Athileets keep serprizing me with there entellegents...


The 6'5" 232 pound gifted receiver for the New York Giants, Plaxico Burress, got liquored up over the Tanksgiving weekend and shot himself in the already injured thigh with a handgun. Nothing about this story is shocking. He had a loaded, concealed handgun in a public place without a license. He was chugging liquor all night which allegedly scared the holy BeJesus out of the night club's security. Things took a even more idiotic turn when he got a teammate to hide the gun in New Jersey. Meanwhile, Plaxico spent the night bleeding with a hole in his thigh from the bullet exiting his flesh and refused to be taken to the hospital. I guess his wife waited for him to lose consciousness because he ended up getting treated 2 hours later around 2 a.m. People like this get second chances while guys like Frosty the Snowman only get one season of brilliance and you neever hear from them again. Bastards.

"Cousin It" Thanks His Father Profusely...


Nic Cage's mistake...I mean pet...I mean son, Weston Coppola Cage, apparently drugged, gagged and bound some girl and took her against her will to Austria with his father and wife. I've seen emo kids with daddy issues, but if this kid lived within 300 miles of me, I would sleep with two eyes open...ninja style.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Im convinced anyone can be famous...



Nothing points out the magic of Disney computer animation, airbrushing, and Hollywood makeovers more than these photos. If you were a toothless, smelly, inbred from Kentwood Louisiana, you wouldn't even take a second look at this chick in the local Wal-Mart while you were refilling your Valtrex and Aldara prescription. I know every girl in Hollywood doesn't wake up beautiful, but boy does this make think twice when you see a pretty girl. Say what you want about this redneck skank...she just might be back.