Celebrities are insufferable part 23,756.

So, it appears Coachella is upon us again. If you don't know what that is, it's basically a dress up party for celebrities to pretend they're poor, smelly hippies. If you want to know the one place more dreadful for me than being behind a velvet rope in some lame ass club buying 500.00 bottles of shitty vodka poured into a Grey Goose bottle and calling that VIP, it's Coachella. If you want to see me wilt like Superman wrapped in chains of Kryptonite, buy me a full access pass to this herpes fest.

Yeah, I've yet to have a Hollywood identity, but I can throw an awesome "I don't care" sign to the Paparazzi. Couple that with my skinny jeans pulled gangsta-low and my leather jacket and no one will F with me. I love mixing three different stereotypes together because it makes me more badass and mysterious. So what if I'm Jewish and from the Upper East Side. Hey, where's the beer tent? I'm so wasted.

Yeah, I'm Vanessa Hudgens, I'm such a hippie. My flower headband and general carefree attitude should give it away, but if not, maybe my Urban Outfitters Hippie Starter Kit will do the trick. I love pretending to be too poor for shoes. Coachella is so trippy!

Yeah, I'm Josh Duhamel, I'm so grunge and anti-establishment. Because nothing screams grunge and bad ass like hanging with friends that shadow golf at Coachella. #Killme #Douche #rufkm

I'm Paris Hilton. Like my pitifully less wealthy friend, Vanessa Hudgens, I associate headbands with being a hippie. Please don't pay attention to my Versace dress or my 4K purse, or my WONK eye that some Bev Hills Plastic Surgeon butchered, I'm like totally a Rodeo Drive Flower Child.

I don't know my name. Frankly, I'm still shocked chicks want to sleep with me. After all, the only thing of substance on my resume is Superbad. Oh well, I'll keep being the Screech 2.0 as long as I can get hot ass. God, I love Hollywood.

I'm Elijah Wood. I didn't get the memo about this being a homeless retreat. I only came because I heard Josh Duhamel was here.

Fellony arrested and charged with, yep, a felony.

A defendant named Fellony was arrested yesterday for felony battery after she allegedly struck a woman in the head with a glass at an Indiana bar.

Fellony Silas, 30, was collared early Sunday following the fracas at Kilroy’s Sports Bar in Bloomington. The bloodied 24-year-old victim suffered several lacerations and was treated for her injuries at a local hospital.

The attack was reportedly triggered when the victim accidentally bumped into Silas while she was dancing.

Silas, pictured in the above mug shot, was booked into the Monroe County jail, where she is being held in lieu of $10,000 bond on a Class C felony battery count. There is an additional probation hold on Silas related to a prior conviction. Silas has previously been arrested in Monroe County on a variety of charges, including forgery, theft, disorderly conduct, and fraud.

This story reminds of a the book Freakonomics. In the book, the author, Stephen Levitt, chronicles the story
of two kids that were born to parents who in return for the miracle of life, aptly named the boys Winner and Loser. Loser, in complete defiance of the world that was out to get him, graduated from college and became a NYC police detective. Winner, on the other hand, is currently in the clink. He's got a rap sheet a mile long and in an ironic twist of fate, became the family Cain.

Seeing as though Im probably more cynical and cantankerous than anyones grandfather you've ever known, you know I'm not gonna give Ms Fellony the benefit of the doubt. Some of you liberals are probably saying she's never had a chance because of societal pressures and limitations, but I say she's just a criminal and the definition of the person we all don't need reproducing in this world. Fellony, however, I'm sure is giving the proverbial middle finger to responsibility and being the complete antithesis of a contributing member of society by having at least 4 kids for whom we're all paying to wear 130.00 Jordan's. This society is damned. There's not chance to bring these people out of intellectual ineptitude. Take a ride through North Georgia and take check out some of these Deliverance-esque towns with barefoot kids, barefoot and pregnant 19 year old mothers. We all should just face it, the Consumers (Leeches) outnumber the Producers (Hosts). This divide will only get worse. Awesome...I can't wait. That should be awesome.

Lara Flynn Boyle is gorgeous...i'm sorry that was supposed to say Gargoyle.

Lara Flynn Boyle used to be kind of a star in the 90's. She did Wayne's World, which for most actors in that movie, turned out to be career suicide. She also did Threesome, which is the movie I remember her from. I remember mostly because it came out when I was in like 9th grade and it was about freshman year at college and threesomes. Needless to say, those lying bastards sold me a bill of goods...I promise mom and dad. That never happened. wink. Anyway, she was never hot because she looked like someone plucked from the famine of East Africa...just another example of how stupid Hollyweird is when it comes to picking sexy women. Time, as it were, hasn't been so great to our gal, Lara. In fact, she looks a little like that guy in Robocop that falls into the toxic sewage and his face starts to melt off. That's definitely happening here, except for she's attempted to slow the process down with facial fillers so now she's left with parts of her face full and parts of her face sliding off. Obvious, not what one would hope for in the scheme of things. Admittedly though, I'm pretty sure she had given up long before this because she was dating Jack Nicholson for forever and he's like 108. There's a lot of pressure to stay attractive in this society, but I'll be honest, almost never does your first visit to a plastic surgeon stop there. And more to the point, NEVER do multiple visits to a plastic surgeon leave you more attractive than when you started. Heed that advice. Trust me.

Thank you Kelly (pinky and thumb up to ear like a phone) call me.

As you all already know, Hollyweird sucks. I support it, I suppose, in the same way I'm fascinated by really gruesome injuries and accidents. It's a shame that actors make so much that they can't face the same peril as normal people. They are always the genesis of their own demise, whether it be drugs or alcohol or sagging boobs or a receding hairline or in John Tavolta's case, all of the above. The point is I really have so many people that need to be famous over dipshits like Katherine Heigl or Sarah Jessica Parker, or Sean Penn. Well it's funny you ask...

KELLY BROOK

Born Kelly Ann Parsons
23 November 1979 (age 32)
Rochester, Kent, England, UK
Occupation Model, Actress
Years active 1995 – present
Height 5 ft 8 in (1.73 m)
Hair colour Brown
Eye colour Dark Brown
Measurements 34-25-35 (US);[citation needed]
Dress size 8(UK)

You're welcome. ladies...sorry, but take a look, it's not like you don't understand.

Keith Olbermann is unemployed...again...again...again.

Keith Olbermann was fired from like his 21st job in 19 years recently and last night he went on Letterman to discuss his demise. Letterman kicked off his brief sit-down with the TV personality by asking how long ago he had left MSNBC to go to Current TV.
“I don’t know. I have to consult my notes because after a certain point, I can’t keep track of where I’m working,” Olbermann joked. I use Olbermann joked very lightly because the only people that laugh at Olbermann also think Obama defends the Constitution and loves the free market economy. Olbermann sucks. He's painfully unfunny and dry...and I don't mean cleverly dry, like Letterman, I mean dry like prison sex. If my choice were to have an orgy with Sonia Sotomayor and Ruth Bader Ginsberg or watch a half an hour of this clown, throw me to the liberal wolves...at least they wear awesome robes and swing a mean gavel.

Annie was a high school cheerleader...

Mark Mark has been busy lifting the Funky Bunch it seems...as well as syringes filled to the brim with anabolic steroids. I have to admit, Mark Walberg always makes pretty good movies, but that's about as far as I can stretch the compliments. He couldn't be more douchey if he tried. He seems like the ultimate Hollyweird sawed-off leading man...5'7" with a meathead complex, awesome, you're hired. First, he develops Entourage on his "alleged" career in Hollywood, which might I add, is like the man's equivalent of Sex in the City, or as others know it, The Douchebag Handbook. Entourage is basically like The Jersey Shore West. If all of those things don't make you sick enough, he makes these comments about the victims of 911 and how had he been on board one of those planes, he would've saved the day with his make believe martial arts/boxing skills and his raw back acne power:

"If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did," he tells the magazine. "There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, 'OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.'"

And by blood in first class, he means the blood in his stool from pooping his pants.