History of Rap...Fallon, bless his heart, should've called in sick.

I've used this forum to reveal my mancrush for Timberlake many times, but damn this dude is cool. Yeah, I know he's kind of a nerd, but he could have get more ass than a truck stop toilet seat. If any dude says they wouldn't love to hang out with this dude and crush beers on a Friday night, they're lying like hell. Aside from Cameron Diaz, JT kills hot chicks. He's my idle. What? Why are you looking at me like that? So what if I'm cutting out his old pictures from Teen Beat. Doesn't everyone?

Sexual Predator. Allegedly.

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Awww...did the boogie man come in your room wittle boy?

Am I the only person that finds this picture incredibly creepy? I swear it looks like a little boy sleeping in his Transformers Tent Bed being kissed goodnight by his mother. Good for her, but Ashton, come on bro. She lost her virginity to like Rob Lowe in 1983 while the theme to Chariots of Fire was playing. You were 5. I guess it's none of my business what you do, but please stop your Twitter pics because I'm a little freaked out.

Wait, God, wh...what?

Fame whore, Father(?), professional media chaser, Michael Lohan, jumped at the opportunity to comment on his daughter's most recent arrest and imprisonment:

"As you know, thank God, Lindsay was released from jail tonight. However, what what most don't know is that her release wasn't due to the efforts of any one person. She was released because that's what God wanted.

That's really funny because when I look at the pics above, God must really want her to have herpes and a heroin habit too. This useless dipshit couldn't find a purpose for life if she spent a month with God and the Dalai Lama saving orphans from leprosy and curing cancer. It's funny how Hollyweird works, because I bet like Marilyn, if she OD's and checks out prematurely, people will spend the next 50 years talking about how great and what a trend setter she was and how her impact shaped the fashion world and what a poor victim she was. Let's face it, we've all seen Monroe movies and she was awful. If it weren't for her banging every Kennedy in Massachusetts, her ridiculous dress lifting publicity stunts, and especially her overdose, she would be as forgettable as Pamela Anderson. Lohan will be no different. The irony of Hollywood is no one will touch Lindsay Lohan now because she's box office poison. Let her die though and those same people will talk about how her genius was cut so short by drugs, alcohol and the fast lane of Hollywood. Gosh, Hollywood sucks my ass.

Steve, subtly is not your thing.

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Mr President, that town hall didn't go as planned, huh?

CNBC sponsored a town hall meeting for President Obama today and despite hand picking so-called supporters, he didn't get the softballs he had hoped. The focus of the Town Hall meeting was job creation and the ongoing tennis match of sorts surrounding the expiration and possible extension of Bush Tax Cuts. If supporters, picked by this administration, are "exhausted by constantly defending this administration's actions," how does one think other, non voters feel? If President Obama is lambasted and ambushed by the very people that put him in office, how does one think middle America feels when the collar of tax increases squeezes out what little life is left? If Bush Tax Cuts were so detrimental to the economy, why are so many democratic senators cutting against the grain of their own party in favor of extending them? If a CFO of a Government agency, that is on the receiving end of the majority of Obama's irresponsible and massive stimulus package, intended only to expand government and increase America's dependence on government, doesn't see the "Mantle of change she voted for," tell me who in this country could? How many of you know people that have lost their homes, cars, jobs? How many of you have sacrificed and worked your entire lives to achieve middle class American dreams, only to have your earned income stripped and GIVEN to people that haven't made the same sacrifices? While you make those sacrifices, while many of you continue to lose your jobs, President Obama and the First Family continue to use taxpayers dollars to move their entire entourage on jets around the world for vacation after vacation. Even Dave Letterman, a staunch Democrat said, "Obama is vacationing again. Don't worry Mr. President, you'll have plenty of time to vacation after your 1st term."

Make no mistake, both parties are up-in-arms. It's reckless government expansion, anti-capitalist ideologies, tax increases on job creators, and an overall disconnect with mainstream America that have ignited the tinder. It's not just Republicans storming the castle. It's Democrats, Tea-Party, Libertarians, Non-Partisans leading a charge to make their voices heard. It's Americans. America's voice has been awakened by arrogance, inexperience and a "back turned" stance to mainstream America and its job creators and workers. Government does not provide for America, it suffocates it. It doesn't grow economies, it stifles them. Penalizing providers and catalysts of this great nation represents the obtuse and lost-at-sea attitude that can encapsulate this whole Presidency. Having blind loyalty to your President, to your party, your ideologies, is one thing, but turning your back on freedom, capitalism and the free market system that propelled this country to greatness is another. If you think government can do it better, you either are one, you haven't been to the DMV to get your license, you've never taken your fathers, mothers, or grandparents to the VA, or you didn't hear Cuba's, Fidel Castro's latest quotes about how totalitarian socialism has failed it's people. President Obama is running for his political life right now. His party is abandoning ship faster than those rich people on the Titanic. And like the Titanic, there's a finite number of life boats in Washington in November and Democrats are scrambling to jump in one.

Below are some of the highlights, or if you're President Obama, lowlights, of the Town hall Meeting:

Monday's town hall meeting started off on a sour note when the first questioner from the audience, a woman who said she voted for him, said she is "deeply disappointed with where I am now."

"My husband and I thought we were beyond the hot dog and beans of our lives. ... Is this my new reality?" she asked.

"I understand your frustration," Obama said. He defended his administration's efforts to help the middle class, listing achievements such as better protection for mortgage loans and health insurance for those with preexisting conditions.

A representative from the business community, Kenneth Langone, a co-founder of Home Depot, asked via a video feed for an explanation of what he sees as the administration's anti-business stance.

Then a 30-year-old law school graduate said he's no longer able to make the interest payments on his educational loans, much less able to have a mortgage or a family. He said he had been inspired by Obama's campaign. But now, "that inspiration is dying away," he said. "I really want to know: Is the American dream dead?

"Absolutely not. ... There is not a country in the world that would want to change places with us," Obama responded. "We are still the country that billions of people in the world look to and aspire to."
Through the negative questioning, Obama appeared at ease, repeating variations of things he's said for months in speeches about the economy.

For handpicked people to ask questions, this doesn't sound like America that's happy with the direction their leader is taking them. Are you happy?

I see a FUPA.

I couldn't decide which story to blog about Jessica Simpson, so I decided to do both because this is simply too good to pass up.

The National Enquirer reports:

The Dukes of Hazzard stunner (19 years ago) is so thrilled over the prospect of becoming a mom, she’s started “eating for two,” say insiders.
“It looks like Jessica’s dream of having a baby is finally coming true,” a close friend told The ENQUIRER.
“She’s crazy in love with Eric – so they’ve decided to make a baby.”

Who is Eric? He's a jobless, Wharton business school dropout, former mediocre NFL tight end, and leach on her massive fortune. Aside from that though, he's a great guy. What's not to love about that guy? I guess if eating is indicative of being happy, she's freaking ecstatic. If it's indicative of being sad, someone better call 911 because she's standing out on some ledge right now. Granted this story is from the Enquirer, but if she is so happy she's gonna have a baby and has already started eating for two, she's actually not only psycho, but the dumbest person on the face of the Earth. I don't even think she's smart enough to have human interactions, to be honest. If she were my girlfriend, I would take her to the zoo and make her sit with me in the monkey and gorilla exhibit. I would tell her how science has proven that smart humans have an innate ability to communicate with primates. Then I would just watch her like a science project. Spending one day with her would be my wish if I rubbed a lamp or God forbid, got a wish from the Make-a-Wish Foundation.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

I hope you don't read this and think I'm saying that someone can't be famous if they don't look good in Daisy Dukes because that's exactly what I'm saying. These pictures are from Jessica Simpson arriving at the finale of Project Runway as a guest judge. Yes, I said, Jessica Simpson is a guest judge on a fashion design show. Having Chestica as a guest judge for fashion is like having Jennifer Anniston, or, well, Jessica Simpson, lead a forum on how to keep boyfriends. To me though, the funniest part, is that she arrived as a guest judge on a clothing design show in this Hefty Cinch Sack taken out of Joan Collins' closet from Dynasty. The other bewildering part is how she's bound and determined to transform herself into Motown legend, Aretha Franklin. Jessica, please stop trying to eat your pain away. I don't think I've actually ever seen breasts grow this fast. It's like her breasts are on HGH. Jess, mix in a run and a salad, babe. At this rate, you'll be getting inducted into the Motown Hall of Fame sometime next year.

Huh? Wtf is this?

Am I the only one that is left head scratching after watching this trailer. Something tells me if the production company does test markets around the country for this movie, they're gonna be pushing the release date back at least a baker's dozen times until they finally release it against Piranha 2: Naked Bitches in the Amazon 3D...and they still might come in second place. I couldn't think of a movie I'd rather watch less than this and I've seen The God's Must Be Crazy 1 and 2, Karate Kid 3, and Rocky 5. Gwyneth is just not believable. If she were playing the daughter of a movie producer father and a Tony winning actress mother raised in the Upper East Side facing the challenges of growing up filthy rich and battling self-absorption, I could believe it...oh wait. If you can get through this whole trailer, post your address in the comments and I'll send you a piece of Bazooka bubble gum and better taste in movies.

Well hello muffin...

Keri Russell is one of those female enigmas of Hollywood. She's always had a striking natural beauty, except for that season where she cut her hair off and it started to resemble an afro. Aside from that season, she's been great. A few years ago, I thought for sure she was breaking out when she played a small part in Mission: Impossible 3. After that, she played the lead in a great indie film, Waitress, and then as Adam Sandler girlfriend in Bedtime Stories. Her career is so weird to me. I just don't understand how girls like this, with acting chops and a gorgeous face, can't become a leading lady, yet Jessica Alba and Megan Fox take the industry by storm. It's disappointing. If I had known in 1998 that Felicity would grow up to look like this, I would've certainly paid a little more attention to the show when my girlfriend begged me to watch it. I would've also paid for a subscription to Esquire, cause my penis is in love.

I must've missed something...

Last night I decided to be the only person out of college to watch portions of the MTV Video Music Awards. Nothing, however, can bring back the four minutes Taylor Swift stole from me. I know she was trying to be all "grown up" and create something dramatic surrounding her whole Kanye quarrel, but it failed miserably. Nothing about it worked. Her hair would've worked had Mae West been in the audience, but she wasn't, since she was a star 80 years ago. The song was horrific. I love country music. I even like her music, but that song was shit. The lyrics sound like something written by kid and a clown named Toof-Pik on children's night at Chick-Fil-A, but that's not the worst part. If I had a midget bite onto my testicles and hang there while I sang that song, i think I could hit more notes than she did. This chick can barely sing. Girls are gonna kill me for this, but if they were honest with themselves, the only reason they like her is because all she sings about is stories that evoke school girl memories of "crushing love" or fairy tale love stories. In either case, it's poetry ignited by estrogen. The irony of her relationship with Kanye is that neither can carry a tune without either the help of a studio sound board in Taylor's case, or one of those computer synthesizers in Kanye's. I want to like her because she seems either really sweet or just too dumb to be mean. I want to like her, but this horrific song makes it tough. It's like the juxtaposition of watching Jessica Alba act. From now on, if she knows what's good for both her career and my ears, she should take a page out of Britney's book and pre-record a track or two.

For those that don't know Scotty...

For those of you that either engross themselves in college football while ignoring the NFL, or those that simply don't know about NFL Red Zone, meet Scott Hanson. You see, Scott Hanson represents everything men love about TV, remote controls, sports and most of all intensity. Scott Hanson is the Ray Lewis of sports broadcasting. The Red Zone's "claim to fame" is they start covering a team once they're in the red zone and subsequently, never missing a touchdown from any game or any team throughout the day. The best part about this channel though, is your boy Scotty Hanson. He stares into the camera like he's been doing 8 balls of coke all morning. When you watch him perform, it's almost as if he knows when you're not paying attention. Scotty doesn't like it when you don't pay attention. For only 7.00 dollars extra/month, you too can have Scotty all day Sunday. Trust me, pay the 7 bucks. You'll be glad you did. You'll be left with more visual stimulation than tripping on acid at the laser show.

With all this said, I should give you this disclaimer: If you're not gonna take his program seriously you should stay away. Trust me. Scotty's intensity is not for everyone.

Tom Brady has jumped the shark

Come on Thomas. You've got to get a better look than this. I don't care if your wife is a supermodel. Nothing on Earth gives you an excuse to have this haircut. I know he's a great QB, but I gotta tell, every year he looks douchier and douchier.

What the hell is this?

The mystery is solved. Christina Hendricks is the Chupacabra. This is precisely how I know Hollywood is complete and total bullshit. There's about a handful of truly talented and/or beautiful people left in the world of celebrity. Seriously. This girl is a total mess. I know it's a bad picture, but still. I could live with a pack of wolves for a decade, get pulled out of my den, and I could muster a better look than this. There's so much wrong with her, I can't keep track. It's sensory overload. Either she is about a year from ordering a rascal to drive her around the supermarket, or she buried her feet in a bee hive for three hours before this event. It's like a Mr Potato head for actresses. None of her features seem to match. Her hair is a disaster, her eyes look they were taken from two different people, and God only knows what's happening with her dislocated patella. This is no joke. I say this with all seriousness. When I look at this photo, I actually fear for my life.

Those crazy Europeans.

This is the main reason I like soccer. Well, the reasons are three fold: 1, my nephew plays and he's awesome. 2, Crazy Englishmen play and they don't care about many things, but soccer happens to be one. 3, They entertain and come up with nonsense like this. Typically soccer, especially in young kids, is a sport for wimpy kids whose parents won't let them play other sports, but this, this I love.

Shelley takes page out of OJ's book...

In August 2008, actor Shelley Malil (best known as Haziz in The 40-Year Old Virgin), was arrested in Oceanside, California while getting off a train and charged with premeditated attempted murder, assault with a deadly weapon and residential burglary after his estranged girlfriend was stabbed 20 times and left critically injured. If convicted, he could serve 21 years in prison.

People reports:

The 40-Year-Old Virgin actor Shelley Malil testified Thursday he stabbed his girlfriend 20 times when he wrongly thought that she was somebody else going after him in the dark. "I'm sorry," Malil, 45, said in a Vista, Calif., courtroom. "I had no idea. I saw the pictures (of her wounds) for the first time, I was stunned. When I look at those pictures, I still can't believe the knife I was holding was responsible for all those injuries."...

Shelley and I have a lot in common. We're both misunderstood. Once, for instance, when I was dangling at the end of the limb of the tree outside Heidi Klum's house, the police walked up. I told them over and over that my clothes just fell off by themselves, but like always, they just wanted to power trip and arrest me for indecent exposure and stalking(WTF?). Can a man not hold his frank and beans to protect them? Cops just have their own agendas.

Guess which one works for George Lucas...

This is the most useless human being on the planet. I rather be forced into a cage with a rabid mountain lion and rape it than be in the the same room with this troll. The fact that she earns money for a television show makes me question the future of human kind. If I were from the shore, I might self immolate. Honestly, I'd rather be from Detroit than be from any town that could reproduce a hydrid human troll Ewok like this one.

Really, Mike?

Back in the day, Mike Tyson and Tupac Shakur were good friends, but there was one thing they never did together.

"He always wanted me to smoke weed with him, and I never did it, and I wish I did," Tyson told AP in a phone interview.

"That's my biggest regret."


Yeah, Mike. I agree...definitely, without a doubt, your biggest regret should be not smoking weed with Tupac. I honest to God cannot muster words to add to this lunacy.

I hate myself for this...

This entry could not be less about this dumb bimbo. In fact, I would rather be the ghost writer for Adolf Hitler's Best Jokes than write one word about this chick. So forget the first two sentences.

If you're a girl and you're looking for something sexy for next summer to make your man thirsty for you, buy this swimwear. Seriously, this suit even makes Heidi interesting. If you go to beachbunnyswimwear.com you can be the owner of this supremely sexy lingerie impersonator. It's not cheap, but ladies, I ask you, can you put a price on love? I say no. I say if you want to be a giver, if you truly love your man and want to share life experiences with him, this is the simple key to happiness. Ladies, don't be selfish. You simply need to open up and give. But yes, you still have to give that too.

Men, if you know what brand this is, you're either me, which you're not, or you're gay, which you are. In which case, this is your store http://www.dolcegabbana.com/

Bang. Ouch.

Tuesday afternoon, someone decided that my 4-door Jeep Wrangler was too tired of driving around Atlanta and decided to total it by a simple failure to yield the right of way. It's scary and alarming how quickly one's life can change. Obviously, my Jeep did not end up in a swimming pool, but after two hours of clean up, 1 Trauma helicopter, and a 2,000 car traffic jam, it did end up with a hood buckled like a teepee and an airbag that burns like gonorrhea. Everyone involved is truly blessed to be alive. This experience really forced me to take a step back and assess my life and its shortcomings/eccentricities. Actually, it's made me be thankful for life, which for me can be good or bad. Good, because it makes me realize how precious life is. Bad, because it makes realize how precious life is. I don't need anything to give me an excuse to live my life faster. Regardless, I thank God that the other person involved is ok. I've been worried sick. So, again, I apologize to my sister and Mac, which are my only two readers, for the lack of focus and blog entries on Exposedandnaked. I will do better.

The Evolution of Jessica Simpson...FYI...it ain't good.

I swear to pork chicken carbs twinkies deep fried snickers funnel cakes frappuccinos bacon milkshakes ah you get the picture. I didn't know who this was. Seriously. I'm still not convinced. It looks like a cartoon where they stick the air pump in their mouth and as they blow them up, they begin to fly away. If I didn't know better, I would bet this was James Cameron's sketching in preparation for Avatar 2: When obesity kills. Unlike John Mayer, I'm not sure of Jessica's sexual prowess. Tell you what I am sure of though. Jessica. Simpson. Has. Been. Eating.

Everything.

Jessica Simpson:Buffet::Godzilla:Asian Cities

My love is as a fever, longing still for that which longer nurseth the disease

Starting Friday September 17, Blake Lively will light the silver screen on fire in The Town, starring Ben Affleck, She plays a stripper, he plays a bank robber. The movie looks fantastic. The screenplay is written by the same writer that wrote The Departed and this, too, will be set in Beantown. This is my MUST SEE of the fall. Until then though, I'll leave you with these inspiring pics of my girlfriend.

Dear Blake,
I wanted to leave you a little something to let you know I'm thinking of you. I, too, had a great time last night. You left some things over at my place, but I'll just hang onto them. Talk soon and hope you enjoy Lord Byron--

She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellow'd to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impair'd the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o'er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.

And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!

- Lord Byron

Mischa Barton is a one way ticket to H.I.V.ille

I hardly know where to start with this train wreck. Sure, Lindsay has aged in dog years over the past few, but there are days when she can still look attractive alive. Poor Mischa. It was only like 5 years ago when this girl was not only relevant, she was revered. Now she's like a meth reject living on the streets of Detroit that thinks she's doing a documentary on addiction, when really people are staging her intervention on A&E. Well, not exactly because I assume someone has to care about you in order to intervene. Being a child actor is like a one way ticket to three things: Drugs, death, shrink's leather couches. What is wrong with parents? Where are they? Seriously, you should be required to take an IQ test in order to have children. Smart people are being outbred by morons. I digress. The point of this post (there isn't never is one) was to point out Mischa Barton's serious addiction. She's got more tracks than Amtrak. I'm so disgusted by this fug mess.

P.S. Nice dress.

"Come with me if you want to live..."

As I said yesterday, I'm not ready to replace Heidi, but if I were, Candice Swanepoel would certainly be the front-runner. I don't know where Victoria shops, I guess that secret is kinda the point, but holy smokes. It's hard to believe these girls aren't a group of robotic Terminators sent here from the future by SKYNET to eliminate men too weak to say no. Candice, pick me pick me. Ew-me, ew-me. No? Alas, what a way to go.

Tell me what you think guys...

I was asked by one of my down-on-his-luck friends to write singles ad. Since he knows I'm such a romantic verbal ninja, he thought my creativity and benevolence might really land him the girl of his dreams. I thought for hours, wrote countless rough drafts, and I think I've caught lightning in a bottle with this.




I didn't write it, but it is hilarious.